Zhuk's Zhakk
- Thread starter Zhuk
- Start date
JUDO
Flasher
- Joined
- May 1, 2001
- Posts
- 2,240
Welcome!
Z -
(How do you pronounce that? Zhook?) Don't worry and welcome to the Poetry Forum at Lit. We have all manner of authors here. All of us were beginners sometime and painfully remember that first step on the stage.
I'm looking forward to reading your stuff and your reading of mine. We encourage everyone here to give constructive criticism and if not, just tell the author how the poem made your feel and give your opinion on what about it you liked or what about it bothered you.
Even though you're a 'newby', your opinion can help the most experienced veteran. Believe that and you'll do fine.
- Judo
Z -
(How do you pronounce that? Zhook?) Don't worry and welcome to the Poetry Forum at Lit. We have all manner of authors here. All of us were beginners sometime and painfully remember that first step on the stage.
I'm looking forward to reading your stuff and your reading of mine. We encourage everyone here to give constructive criticism and if not, just tell the author how the poem made your feel and give your opinion on what about it you liked or what about it bothered you.
Even though you're a 'newby', your opinion can help the most experienced veteran. Believe that and you'll do fine.
- Judo
Re: Welcome!
Judo, thank you very much. That is just the sort of a welcome I was looking for
And with your encouragement my first poem here is coming up.
Zhuk
Judo, thank you very much. That is just the sort of a welcome I was looking for
And with your encouragement my first poem here is coming up.
Zhuk
JUDO said:Z -
(How do you pronounce that? Zhook?) Don't worry and welcome to the Poetry Forum at Lit. We have all manner of authors here. All of us were beginners sometime and painfully remember that first step on the stage.
I'm looking forward to reading your stuff and your reading of mine. We encourage everyone here to give constructive criticism and if not, just tell the author how the poem made your feel and give your opinion on what about it you liked or what about it bothered you.
Even though you're a 'newby', your opinion can help the most experienced veteran. Believe that and you'll do fine.
- Judo
Re: Patience
Judo,
Thanks for taking time to read my poem. I can be very patient, and I will wait and wait and wait... but I will not post more poems till I get some feedback on this one!!
Zhuk
Judo,
Thanks for taking time to read my poem. I can be very patient, and I will wait and wait and wait... but I will not post more poems till I get some feedback on this one!!
Zhuk
JUDO said:Feedback often takes time. Wait for it. I've read your poem three times now myself and I'm still looking for the right things to say.
- Judo
JUDO
Flasher
- Joined
- May 1, 2001
- Posts
- 2,240
CRITICISM: Dream Flight
Z -
Pro: I liked that your poem tried to relate a story. Certainly that is never necessary for poetry, but it's always a plus with me when I see it.
You carry the description of action and imagery off well with your word choices.
I like the unusual length of the stanzas. Different, if it works, is always a plus with me.
Con: The continual rhyme probably gets in the way of seeing much of anything else.
The structure of the lines seems much too clipped, too short when read aloud.
Comments:The contanst long "I" rhyme might work, if it had a reason to be there - like an "I" sound effect that might be in the scene OR a poem where the ego of one character is the issue OR the poem is part of a larger work where all of the poems do the same thing (the next poem would use the short "I" sound as all of the rhymes as in "ick, lick or stiff."
And watch the punctuation. Just because a line has ended doesn't mean a pause is needed, so no need to add a comma (,) where it isn't wanted.
As far as the structure being too short, your poem might be better received if it is written with longer lines. I think you have it, just re-write it like this (and don't forget regular punctuation when needed or implied). I've added it for you in the new structuring.
Also, I think you might watch for some awkward structure, deleting wordsin red. Blue words are possible substitutes.:
Dream Flight
Passenger plane is flying high.
A pretty woman on seat nearby
Is sitting close - a tasty pie.
Racing heart and throat is dry.
Elbows touch, sparks do fly,
Elbows touch, lust sparks my fly,
Flowing heat in full supply.
Wandering hands start to ply.
They settle down amid a sigh
On something soft that’s* her thigh.
On something soft - her silky thigh.
Silent glance, a pleading try,
Seeks consent. "Please, can I?"
With impish eyes,** smile so shy
With impish eyes and smile so shy,
She nods to say, "Let them lie."
What next? Don't mean to pry,
But, a telltale spot on the fly…
----------------------------------
* - "that's" feels odd here. All you need is a pause "-" or another descriptive word for her thigh.
** - with the comma (,) here, it's difficult to determine whose eyes we are referring to. Perhaps add "and" instead, then it seems to be her eyes.
Z -
Pro: I liked that your poem tried to relate a story. Certainly that is never necessary for poetry, but it's always a plus with me when I see it.
You carry the description of action and imagery off well with your word choices.
I like the unusual length of the stanzas. Different, if it works, is always a plus with me.
Con: The continual rhyme probably gets in the way of seeing much of anything else.
The structure of the lines seems much too clipped, too short when read aloud.
Comments:The contanst long "I" rhyme might work, if it had a reason to be there - like an "I" sound effect that might be in the scene OR a poem where the ego of one character is the issue OR the poem is part of a larger work where all of the poems do the same thing (the next poem would use the short "I" sound as all of the rhymes as in "ick, lick or stiff."
And watch the punctuation. Just because a line has ended doesn't mean a pause is needed, so no need to add a comma (,) where it isn't wanted.
As far as the structure being too short, your poem might be better received if it is written with longer lines. I think you have it, just re-write it like this (and don't forget regular punctuation when needed or implied). I've added it for you in the new structuring.
Also, I think you might watch for some awkward structure, deleting wordsin red. Blue words are possible substitutes.:
Dream Flight
Passenger plane is flying high.
A pretty woman on seat nearby
Is sitting close - a tasty pie.
Racing heart and throat is dry.
Elbows touch, sparks do fly,
Elbows touch, lust sparks my fly,
Flowing heat in full supply.
Wandering hands start to ply.
They settle down amid a sigh
On something soft that’s* her thigh.
On something soft - her silky thigh.
Silent glance, a pleading try,
Seeks consent. "Please, can I?"
With impish eyes,** smile so shy
With impish eyes and smile so shy,
She nods to say, "Let them lie."
What next? Don't mean to pry,
But, a telltale spot on the fly…
----------------------------------
* - "that's" feels odd here. All you need is a pause "-" or another descriptive word for her thigh.
** - with the comma (,) here, it's difficult to determine whose eyes we are referring to. Perhaps add "and" instead, then it seems to be her eyes.
Re: CRITICISM: Dream Flight
Judo,
Thank you for going over my poem so thoroughly. I am looking very carefully at all your suggestions and learning from them too.
By the way I have started to read one or two of your stories. Tell you about them after I am done.
While I digest your comments, I am now emboldened to post another one.
Zhuk
Judo,
Thank you for going over my poem so thoroughly. I am looking very carefully at all your suggestions and learning from them too.
By the way I have started to read one or two of your stories. Tell you about them after I am done.
While I digest your comments, I am now emboldened to post another one.
Zhuk
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,342
A Quick Comment
Hello and welcome to the poetry board. I don't want to sound as if I've carefully read your postings here because really I've just skimmed them, but I wanted to say you are a most welcome addition!
We learn from each other here. Just from a quick scan of your poems gives me a feel for your natural sense of the rhythm of language and its "musical" quality in your work. I also noticed you make wonderful use of alliteration and assonance.
I really saw this with the alliteration in "Quickie."
Sometimes she silently slinks,
sometimes she softly mews,
at times when the prey is close, she
sputters and sizzles like static.
I could go on about the narrative quality of your poems, the way you use repetitions to pull pieces together...really, a lot of strengths. And I see a few places where you could strengthen poems by revising. I will do a more specific critique soon.
Like I said, we learn from each other here. Looking forward to giving you feedback and learning from you.
Angeline
Hello and welcome to the poetry board. I don't want to sound as if I've carefully read your postings here because really I've just skimmed them, but I wanted to say you are a most welcome addition!
We learn from each other here. Just from a quick scan of your poems gives me a feel for your natural sense of the rhythm of language and its "musical" quality in your work. I also noticed you make wonderful use of alliteration and assonance.
I really saw this with the alliteration in "Quickie."
Sometimes she silently slinks,
sometimes she softly mews,
at times when the prey is close, she
sputters and sizzles like static.
I could go on about the narrative quality of your poems, the way you use repetitions to pull pieces together...really, a lot of strengths. And I see a few places where you could strengthen poems by revising. I will do a more specific critique soon.
Like I said, we learn from each other here. Looking forward to giving you feedback and learning from you.
Angeline
What fun is a sandstorm when you are inside?
Judo
Quote: "Nice beginning to a story. I think they should get inside. "
Thank you. They will most certainly stay outside and endure it. I did, many times in my childhood. It is just that I am having difficulty putting into words what I experienced.
Angeline
Thank you for your enthusiastic welcome. I am sure I will be able to learn a lot from you, waiting to hear your critique.
Zhuk
Judo
Quote: "Nice beginning to a story. I think they should get inside. "
Thank you. They will most certainly stay outside and endure it. I did, many times in my childhood. It is just that I am having difficulty putting into words what I experienced.
Angeline
Thank you for your enthusiastic welcome. I am sure I will be able to learn a lot from you, waiting to hear your critique.
Zhuk
Heat versus Sand
Judo
If I had to choose between the heat of the house or the sand in my bed, I would take sand everytime!!
It was a bit dangerous, we all had to push our cots together and hold hands so that one of us would not get blown away.
But that was the easy part, the difficult part is writing it all down on paper.
Zhuk
Judo
If I had to choose between the heat of the house or the sand in my bed, I would take sand everytime!!
It was a bit dangerous, we all had to push our cots together and hold hands so that one of us would not get blown away.
But that was the easy part, the difficult part is writing it all down on paper.
Zhuk
Star At Sunrise
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 183
Cool
Good stuff, Z! I liked your poems a lot! Some very cool images! I hope you submit your poems to lit, you've got talent!
Good stuff, Z! I liked your poems a lot! Some very cool images! I hope you submit your poems to lit, you've got talent!
HomerPindar
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2001
- Posts
- 963
Welcome Z,
A friend of mine inadvertantly showed me why I don't respond to poems on message boards I read. She did this by sending me a poem and asking me to help her edit it. We worked on it for four hours together last night. I'd comment on a line, work it over in a chat, meanwhile she'd work on it from her side, and in the end she had the line the way she liked it. And she felt it improved with the work.
All of that made me realize I enjoy disecting words put together very much... but that takes time (see Perky for some REALLY good disecting btw).
So, with that said... there's no rush You've got some good poetry going, and, as one critic of Joyce commented, really good writing about writting can be just as much an art as writting alone. And take just as much time ....
Saying that, I'm gonna jump in on your first poem
Judo made some very good points, specially on the rhyming (it gets rhythmic to the point of a chant for me). Seeing as she took the longer line approach and I like short line cuts myself...
As it is, the first word per line could be reworked:
Passenger plane
flying high
pretty woman
on seat nearby
sitting close
a tasty pie
If you're going to use few words, cut to the bone
The edit still works to some degree with the longer lines too,
Passenger plane flying high.
Pretty woman on seat nearby
sitting close - a tasty pie.
I like to read, and then reread each line out loud while dropping out words. then deciding if I really liked it one way over another. This has been an example of just that
I also like Judo's comments on punctuation, as you had a couple comma's in there I wasn't sure about:
The first one I would just drop. The second, a period after consent, or a comma as a the preface to dialogue.
Ok..a quick look...
Welcome aboard
HomerPindar
A friend of mine inadvertantly showed me why I don't respond to poems on message boards I read. She did this by sending me a poem and asking me to help her edit it. We worked on it for four hours together last night. I'd comment on a line, work it over in a chat, meanwhile she'd work on it from her side, and in the end she had the line the way she liked it. And she felt it improved with the work.
All of that made me realize I enjoy disecting words put together very much... but that takes time (see Perky for some REALLY good disecting btw).
So, with that said... there's no rush
You've got some good poetry going, and, as one critic of Joyce commented, really good writing about writting can be just as much an art as writting alone. And take just as much time .... Saying that, I'm gonna jump in on your first poem
Judo made some very good points, specially on the rhyming (it gets rhythmic to the point of a chant for me). Seeing as she took the longer line approach and I like short line cuts myself...
As it is, the first word per line could be reworked:
Passenger plane
flying high
pretty woman
on seat nearby
sitting close
a tasty pie
If you're going to use few words, cut to the bone
The edit still works to some degree with the longer lines too,
Passenger plane flying high.
Pretty woman on seat nearby
sitting close - a tasty pie.
I like to read, and then reread each line out loud while dropping out words. then deciding if I really liked it one way over another. This has been an example of just that
I also like Judo's comments on punctuation, as you had a couple comma's in there I wasn't sure about:
The first one I would just drop. The second, a period after consent, or a comma as a the preface to dialogue.
Ok..a quick look...
Welcome aboard
HomerPindar
Re: Welcome Z,
*** serious stuff ***
Thank you HomerPindar. This is one of my earlier poems and since I had just started I either didnt use any punctuation or made too much use of the comma. I think I have got over this bad habit now I have also read the rest of your critique and am now trying to improve on the poem.
*** non serious ***
Thank you HomerPindar, you are a big help! With Judo pointing me in one direction and you in other, you have now left me in utter confusion. The story teller in me cant resist narrating the following:
Father and son were going to town to sell their donkey. They both walked and it followed behind. On the way they met some people standing besides the road. They said to each other, "How stupid these two men are! They have a donkey and yet they are walking".
On hearing this both father and son felt stupid and decided that the father should ride the donkey while the son will walk along them. Just after travelling a little distance they met another group of men. This new group said, "Look at this man, he is riding the donkey and making his poor young son walk all the way".
The father was ashamed and he promptly got down and made his son ride the donkey. Soon they met yet another group who exclaimed, "Look at this young man, he is riding the donkey and making his old man walk!" The pair had a discussion and decided both of them should ride it.
Just near the town they met yet another group ('prevention of cruelty to animals' type), they chided them both saying, "How can you be so cruel? Cant you see this poor animal is about to die under your combined weight?"
Not knowing what to do, the father and son finally decided to carry the donkey on their head. Entering the town this way they thus managed to make an ass of themselves.
Zhuk
*** serious stuff ***
Thank you HomerPindar. This is one of my earlier poems and since I had just started I either didnt use any punctuation or made too much use of the comma. I think I have got over this bad habit now
I have also read the rest of your critique and am now trying to improve on the poem.*** non serious ***
Thank you HomerPindar, you are a big help! With Judo pointing me in one direction and you in other, you have now left me in utter confusion. The story teller in me cant resist narrating the following:
Father and son were going to town to sell their donkey. They both walked and it followed behind. On the way they met some people standing besides the road. They said to each other, "How stupid these two men are! They have a donkey and yet they are walking".
On hearing this both father and son felt stupid and decided that the father should ride the donkey while the son will walk along them. Just after travelling a little distance they met another group of men. This new group said, "Look at this man, he is riding the donkey and making his poor young son walk all the way".
The father was ashamed and he promptly got down and made his son ride the donkey. Soon they met yet another group who exclaimed, "Look at this young man, he is riding the donkey and making his old man walk!" The pair had a discussion and decided both of them should ride it.
Just near the town they met yet another group ('prevention of cruelty to animals' type), they chided them both saying, "How can you be so cruel? Cant you see this poor animal is about to die under your combined weight?"
Not knowing what to do, the father and son finally decided to carry the donkey on their head. Entering the town this way they thus managed to make an ass of themselves.
Zhuk
Last edited:
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