Your thoughts and comments please

[TxRED450]

Hello good people. I have finally gotten up the nerve to post one of my humble stories, and would enjoy hearing your thoughts and comments. The story is based on real life experiences over the past few years and combined into one short expression of love and feelings for the woman who was once in my life.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=121028


Thanks for your time.....

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi T, I read your story and thought it was great. It was the first story I had read from that category, so I can't give you any indication of bench mark. (Hopefully someone else might come along and give you better advice than me!). I can tell you read a lot, because you have really good writing skills.

I only had one problem with the story, and that was it was "telling" and not doing. This might be your intention, but it really comes across to me as a fantasy in your head, and as a reader I would prefer writers to try to bring the two people to life, rather than write something along the lines of "I did this then I did that while she did this" (this is a gross exaggeration, not what you did at all, but I hope you catch my drift).

However, as I said, I have no idea what other authors write like in this category, so do what works for you!

Good luck!

 

[wishfulthinking]

Another thing I forgot to mention, and we are all guilty of it at sometime or another , is describing how the other person feels.

I extracted this from your story:

"My fingers graze over her as my hand moves to her inner thigh, pinching at the sensitive skin and sending currents rushing to her inner depths. My middle finger brushes lightly over her lips, teasing her with my touch. A touch that can barely be felt, but yet enough to spark a deeper desire within her."

Maybe you can describe her reactions (shiver, tremble, etc) rather than what she feels (deeper desire).

I do this myself!

 

[TxRED450]

thank you

Thanks a lot for your comments. I do understand what you are saying and I have to agree. A story is much more enjoyable and easier to read when told in the manner you discribed. My writing started from cybering with others online, and this was the first attempt at forming a story on my own.

Again, thanks for your time and comments. They will help when I next try to write something, or fix up something I already have writen.

Would love to hear the thoughts from others if any have the time.