JADED_ONE1969
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Your opinion? Rejected story.
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tickledkitty
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I don't see anything that I think would cause it to be rejected.
I've not had that problem, but I always cut and paste into the submission form. Are you doing the same?
I've not had that problem, but I always cut and paste into the submission form. Are you doing the same?
sr71plt
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I see nothing rejectable in the content. When a story is rejected, they give you some idea why. What reason did they give? That will tell you--and anyone helping you, where to start getting it accepted.
There are, though, a whole lot of punctuation mistakes. I wouldn't believe a trained editor has been over this.
If the reason given relates to technical errors, note that here and maybe something can quickly be done with it.
There are, though, a whole lot of punctuation mistakes. I wouldn't believe a trained editor has been over this.
If the reason given relates to technical errors, note that here and maybe something can quickly be done with it.
JADED_ONE1969
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sr71plt
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As I noted, there is little evidence this story was ever edited.
Gary & Katherine Ch.02
As with the first chapter[comma] if you want a cheating wife story do not read this story. Thanks to ANGELTOYOU for all the help. Any mistakes are mine.
Waking up curled around Katherine, Gary thought that was some party. The only regret is[delete “is,” add “was that”] he felt uneasy about showing off his beautiful wife in such a way that many of his fellow workers might think less of him, and[comma] more importantly[change “importantly” to “important” add comma] how they feel about his wife.[“how they feel about my wife isn’t parallel with previous clause. Need to rewrite.]
He felt Katherine stir[comma] as like most men being pressed up against a woman[delete everything after “as”] his prick started to rise[add comma and “just as it would on most men being pressed up against a woman”].
“Good Morning lover[comma]” said a sleepy but happy Katherine.
“Good morning to you too, did[change comma to period, capitalize “Did” as first word in next sentence.] you sleep well?"
“Yes I did, but what’s that thing being pressed against my ass[question mark]”
“Hey[comma] it’s not my fault,[delete comma] if I’m pressed up against a sexy woman,[delete comma] who happens to be my wife[period]”
“Nice try[comma] but don’t try anything,[delete comma, add period, capitalize “You”] you know I won’t do anal. You always said you wouldn’t either, so take that thing out from there so I can and go have a shower. We both stink[comma] and I’ve got a load of gunk that needs to be gottten rid of.[change period to comma] ” said Katherine[period]
“Okay, but I will only let you go if I can wash your back for you. Before you ask, no, I will not clean you out. That’s not in my job description,” replied Gary[period]
“Well[comma] it does seem a bit unfair,[change comma to “that”] you don’t get to taste your juices but I do when I suck your cock after it’s been in me. But[comma] just to get some peace, I agree[period]”
Gary reluctantly disengaged himself from his wife[comma] got up from the bed[comma, add “and”] then helped Katherine up.
As the weather was still fairly warm, they both chose to walk naked to the bathroom, which gave Gary time to study his wife from behind, seeing her ass sway from side to side, a sight he never got tired of.
When they reached the bathroom[comma] Katherine turned the shower on,[change comma to period; capitalize “When”] when it was the right temperature[comma] she stepped into the bath/shower unit, letting the water cascade down her body. After last night, showing off her body to the young men[comma] she had no problem displaying her body to her husband, who just stood watching as she slowly cleaned out the gunk inside [add “her”] pussy,[change comma to period; capitalize “When”] when she felt clean[comma] Katherine started slowly rubbing her clit partly for her[change “her” to “herself”] and partly for the enjoyment of her husband.
“Can I join you[quesiton mark]” Gary asked[period]
“Are you kidding”?[question mark goes before the quotation mark]
Gary climbed in, pulled the shower curtain across, and embraced his wife.
As they kissed, Gary ran his hands up and down Katherine’s back. Gradually[comma] he made his way to her ass, which he caressed with lazy circles, which had his wife breathing heavier than she had [add “been doing”] before.
When Gary guessed that his wife was getting a bit too worked up[comma] he backed off from her, getting a moan of displeasure from Katherine. Ignoring the plea[comma] he bent down, picked up the soap, and asked her to turn around so he could wash her back.
When she did so, he began to slide it[change “it” to “the soap”] over her body,[delete comma, add period; capitalize “After”] after soaping her back and rubbing her shoulders, then letting[change “letting” to “let”] the soap run down between her ass cheeks, Gary began gently rubbed between her legs, almost but not quite touching her pussy, which had Katherine at boiling point.
Katherine then took charge of what was going on, turned, and raised Gary‘s knee so it rested on the side of the bath. Then [add “she”] raised her own leg and lifted it over his leg, resting her pussy against the hard muscle of his thigh. She began slowly grinding herself backwards and forwards on his thigh.
Gary realised[realized] what she was doing, bent his knee slightly, and gripped her ass in order to add to her movements.
The water from the shower,[delete comma] dripped on to his thigh[comma] but it was her juices that lathered his flesh and helped Katherine slide quicker and harder on Gary’s leg.
Her breathing became heavier and more frantic. Gary could do nothing but[change “but” to “other than”] hang on to his wife and admire what a sexy woman she is[change “is” to “was.” you are flitting back and forth between tenses].
To try and help her, he slid a finger in between his leg and her body and found her enlarged clit. As his wife’s movements sped up, he rubbed it gently at first[comma] then harder,[change comma to period; capitalize “Some”] some moments later[comma] his wife was moaning continuously as she reached her peak.
When Katherine recovered slightly, she looked at her husband and said;[change semicolon to comma and delete paragraph break. This should all be in one paragraph]
“Well I haven’t done that in a long time. Not since we were at college. Thank you for helping out[period; capitalize “Now”] now what about you?”
“As you asked so nicely, turn back to the wall and spread your legs and rest your hands against the wall.”
Katherine smiled [add “and”] then replied[comma] “My wish is your command master[period]” With that[comma] she turned and braced her self[“herself” one word] as instructed.
Gary pressed himself up against his wife’s body. Because of the height difference, Gary had to stoop slightly to get the right angle,[change comma to period; capitalize “Once”] once that was done[comma] he gently pressed his prick against Katherine’s wet pussy. He then pressed home in one thrust[comma] burying his 7inchs[change to “seven inches”] as deep as it[change “it” to “they.” “inches” is plural] would go.
Katherine[comma] for her part[comma] just had time to brace herself and take what her husband was giving to her. As she was penetrated, all she could think about was the pleasure going through her body, starting at her feet [add “and”] then moving rapidly to her ‘G’[not in quotes; and if it were, it would be in double quotes, not single] spots[More than one?].
The only noise[change to “noises.” more than one are given] she could make,[delete comma] were moans and grunts and encouraging words to her husband. What she actually said probably made no sense to anybody, but Gary got the message[comma] and for at least the next 20[change to “twenty”] minutes[comma] if anyone had heard what was going on, they would have called the police. Which is exactly what the 70- year- old[change to “seventy-year-old”] lady next door had just done.
When Gary &[change “&” to “and”] Katherine had come down from their sexual high, they heard frantic knocking on their front door. They disengaged themselves from each[delete “themselves from each”] and both dashed into the bedroom[comma] grabbed what clothes they could[comma] and dashed to the front door[comma] where a policeman was shouting about breaking down the door on the count of five.
Just as the policeman reached 4[change “4” to “four”], Gary pulled open the door to see the 70[seventy]-year-old woman and three policemen standing at the door.
The main police officer[“main police officer” is awkward. Some like “the officer in charge” would be better] looked at the couple standing in just a mans[change “mans” to “man’s”] shirt and pajama trousers[awkward. This doesn’t convey who was wearing what.]. [Sentence missing a subject]Realized what the old woman had heard, not a murder being committed, but a couple having sex in the bathroom.
[add open double quote]That’s the problem with these new houses,[change comma to semicolon] nothing to them[add comma and close double quote] he mused. He then looked a bit closer at the couple, (or more precisely at the woman) and thought[comma, space, add open double quote, capitalize "Yes"]yes I can see why he would be doing it with her.[add close double quote]
“Sorry to disturb you[comma] sir, madam[comma] but this lady heard screams from this house,[change comma to period] I take it no murders were taking place[period]”
“Well[comma] no murders[comma] just lots of screaming, from me mostly[comma]” blushed Katherine[change “blushed Katherine” to “Katherine muttered, her cheeks blushing.” or something to that effect. A blush isn’t speaking.]
“The screams were caused by me,[change comma to semicolon] sorry about that[comma]” an equally blushing Gary confessed[period]
“Well[comma] I can see that there isn’t a problem here,[change comma to period, capitalized “Sorry”] sorry to disturb you,[change comma to period; capitalized “Please”] please carry on if we interrupted you[period]”
Both Gary &[change “&” to “and”] Katherine laughed nervously, thanked the policemen[comma] and closed the door[comma] at which point they both burst in to[“into” is one word] fits of laughter.
Gary & Katherine Ch.02
As with the first chapter[comma] if you want a cheating wife story do not read this story. Thanks to ANGELTOYOU for all the help. Any mistakes are mine.
Waking up curled around Katherine, Gary thought that was some party. The only regret is[delete “is,” add “was that”] he felt uneasy about showing off his beautiful wife in such a way that many of his fellow workers might think less of him, and[comma] more importantly[change “importantly” to “important” add comma] how they feel about his wife.[“how they feel about my wife isn’t parallel with previous clause. Need to rewrite.]
He felt Katherine stir[comma] as like most men being pressed up against a woman[delete everything after “as”] his prick started to rise[add comma and “just as it would on most men being pressed up against a woman”].
“Good Morning lover[comma]” said a sleepy but happy Katherine.
“Good morning to you too, did[change comma to period, capitalize “Did” as first word in next sentence.] you sleep well?"
“Yes I did, but what’s that thing being pressed against my ass[question mark]”
“Hey[comma] it’s not my fault,[delete comma] if I’m pressed up against a sexy woman,[delete comma] who happens to be my wife[period]”
“Nice try[comma] but don’t try anything,[delete comma, add period, capitalize “You”] you know I won’t do anal. You always said you wouldn’t either, so take that thing out from there so I can and go have a shower. We both stink[comma] and I’ve got a load of gunk that needs to be gottten rid of.[change period to comma] ” said Katherine[period]
“Okay, but I will only let you go if I can wash your back for you. Before you ask, no, I will not clean you out. That’s not in my job description,” replied Gary[period]
“Well[comma] it does seem a bit unfair,[change comma to “that”] you don’t get to taste your juices but I do when I suck your cock after it’s been in me. But[comma] just to get some peace, I agree[period]”
Gary reluctantly disengaged himself from his wife[comma] got up from the bed[comma, add “and”] then helped Katherine up.
As the weather was still fairly warm, they both chose to walk naked to the bathroom, which gave Gary time to study his wife from behind, seeing her ass sway from side to side, a sight he never got tired of.
When they reached the bathroom[comma] Katherine turned the shower on,[change comma to period; capitalize “When”] when it was the right temperature[comma] she stepped into the bath/shower unit, letting the water cascade down her body. After last night, showing off her body to the young men[comma] she had no problem displaying her body to her husband, who just stood watching as she slowly cleaned out the gunk inside [add “her”] pussy,[change comma to period; capitalize “When”] when she felt clean[comma] Katherine started slowly rubbing her clit partly for her[change “her” to “herself”] and partly for the enjoyment of her husband.
“Can I join you[quesiton mark]” Gary asked[period]
“Are you kidding”?[question mark goes before the quotation mark]
Gary climbed in, pulled the shower curtain across, and embraced his wife.
As they kissed, Gary ran his hands up and down Katherine’s back. Gradually[comma] he made his way to her ass, which he caressed with lazy circles, which had his wife breathing heavier than she had [add “been doing”] before.
When Gary guessed that his wife was getting a bit too worked up[comma] he backed off from her, getting a moan of displeasure from Katherine. Ignoring the plea[comma] he bent down, picked up the soap, and asked her to turn around so he could wash her back.
When she did so, he began to slide it[change “it” to “the soap”] over her body,[delete comma, add period; capitalize “After”] after soaping her back and rubbing her shoulders, then letting[change “letting” to “let”] the soap run down between her ass cheeks, Gary began gently rubbed between her legs, almost but not quite touching her pussy, which had Katherine at boiling point.
Katherine then took charge of what was going on, turned, and raised Gary‘s knee so it rested on the side of the bath. Then [add “she”] raised her own leg and lifted it over his leg, resting her pussy against the hard muscle of his thigh. She began slowly grinding herself backwards and forwards on his thigh.
Gary realised[realized] what she was doing, bent his knee slightly, and gripped her ass in order to add to her movements.
The water from the shower,[delete comma] dripped on to his thigh[comma] but it was her juices that lathered his flesh and helped Katherine slide quicker and harder on Gary’s leg.
Her breathing became heavier and more frantic. Gary could do nothing but[change “but” to “other than”] hang on to his wife and admire what a sexy woman she is[change “is” to “was.” you are flitting back and forth between tenses].
To try and help her, he slid a finger in between his leg and her body and found her enlarged clit. As his wife’s movements sped up, he rubbed it gently at first[comma] then harder,[change comma to period; capitalize “Some”] some moments later[comma] his wife was moaning continuously as she reached her peak.
When Katherine recovered slightly, she looked at her husband and said;[change semicolon to comma and delete paragraph break. This should all be in one paragraph]
“Well I haven’t done that in a long time. Not since we were at college. Thank you for helping out[period; capitalize “Now”] now what about you?”
“As you asked so nicely, turn back to the wall and spread your legs and rest your hands against the wall.”
Katherine smiled [add “and”] then replied[comma] “My wish is your command master[period]” With that[comma] she turned and braced her self[“herself” one word] as instructed.
Gary pressed himself up against his wife’s body. Because of the height difference, Gary had to stoop slightly to get the right angle,[change comma to period; capitalize “Once”] once that was done[comma] he gently pressed his prick against Katherine’s wet pussy. He then pressed home in one thrust[comma] burying his 7inchs[change to “seven inches”] as deep as it[change “it” to “they.” “inches” is plural] would go.
Katherine[comma] for her part[comma] just had time to brace herself and take what her husband was giving to her. As she was penetrated, all she could think about was the pleasure going through her body, starting at her feet [add “and”] then moving rapidly to her ‘G’[not in quotes; and if it were, it would be in double quotes, not single] spots[More than one?].
The only noise[change to “noises.” more than one are given] she could make,[delete comma] were moans and grunts and encouraging words to her husband. What she actually said probably made no sense to anybody, but Gary got the message[comma] and for at least the next 20[change to “twenty”] minutes[comma] if anyone had heard what was going on, they would have called the police. Which is exactly what the 70- year- old[change to “seventy-year-old”] lady next door had just done.
When Gary &[change “&” to “and”] Katherine had come down from their sexual high, they heard frantic knocking on their front door. They disengaged themselves from each[delete “themselves from each”] and both dashed into the bedroom[comma] grabbed what clothes they could[comma] and dashed to the front door[comma] where a policeman was shouting about breaking down the door on the count of five.
Just as the policeman reached 4[change “4” to “four”], Gary pulled open the door to see the 70[seventy]-year-old woman and three policemen standing at the door.
The main police officer[“main police officer” is awkward. Some like “the officer in charge” would be better] looked at the couple standing in just a mans[change “mans” to “man’s”] shirt and pajama trousers[awkward. This doesn’t convey who was wearing what.]. [Sentence missing a subject]Realized what the old woman had heard, not a murder being committed, but a couple having sex in the bathroom.
[add open double quote]That’s the problem with these new houses,[change comma to semicolon] nothing to them[add comma and close double quote] he mused. He then looked a bit closer at the couple, (or more precisely at the woman) and thought[comma, space, add open double quote, capitalize "Yes"]yes I can see why he would be doing it with her.[add close double quote]
“Sorry to disturb you[comma] sir, madam[comma] but this lady heard screams from this house,[change comma to period] I take it no murders were taking place[period]”
“Well[comma] no murders[comma] just lots of screaming, from me mostly[comma]” blushed Katherine[change “blushed Katherine” to “Katherine muttered, her cheeks blushing.” or something to that effect. A blush isn’t speaking.]
“The screams were caused by me,[change comma to semicolon] sorry about that[comma]” an equally blushing Gary confessed[period]
“Well[comma] I can see that there isn’t a problem here,[change comma to period, capitalized “Sorry”] sorry to disturb you,[change comma to period; capitalized “Please”] please carry on if we interrupted you[period]”
Both Gary &[change “&” to “and”] Katherine laughed nervously, thanked the policemen[comma] and closed the door[comma] at which point they both burst in to[“into” is one word] fits of laughter.
sr71plt
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I too was going to mention the editing - I usually get my stories rejected first time round because of grammar and punctuation. You really can't proof read enough, you just have to go through it with a fine tooth comb and add punctuation where it's needed.
G
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Tenses, too.
JADED_ONE1969
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elfin_odalisque
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Come on, best foot forward and all that.
I was sitting in a meeting, pretending to be interested, but editing your part 2 instead. I did it in Word in girly colors - which get stripped out when you paste them here - so I will send you my pearls by email. I saw sr's edit just now and you can have fun seeing where we differ.
Although you do have quite a few punctuation issues - please look at how you write dialogue - there are loads of stories here with worse punctuation than yours.
I think the problem you have is more structure. Take your first sentence for example;
Waking up curled around Katherine, Gary thought that was some party.
That doesn't read right - even if you've read part 1. My take, using exactly your words is;
That was some party, thought Gary on waking up curled around Katherine.
You have to get your sequencing in order. You make life a bit difficult for yourself by using sentences that are way too long and get you into a soup of confusing possessive pronouns, adjectival phrases and - generally - confusion.
Keep it simple, when in doubt, always start a new sentence (never get two ideas/actions in the same sentence) and you'll be fine.
sr's given you great help and you can use my two cents as you will.
Please don't be discouraged, there's not much that is a problem and you seem to be developing a good story.
Keep the faith.
Elle
tickledkitty
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GW, I'd be interested to see if, given the editing help you've recieved now from two different people, you can get it accepted next time. Let us know.
JADED_ONE1969
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