G
Guest
Guest
It's because of the fact that men simply don't "get" it.
I'm going to be more sincere here than I have and I'm probably divulging way too much personal information. As I have stated on this board before, while I was in Europe, more than 4 years ago, I was drugged and raped. I also was accosted on the streets by this guy who was masturbating. I was robbed, pulled to him, and then he followed me after getting my keys and all my money. I made it to a friends house, thankfully I remembered where a person lived that was nearby. He was still behind me.
Ok, I got over it. I guess. But, in its aftermath, I changed drastically. I'm no longer the party girl I once was. Why? Because I blame that type of life on the situations I got involved in. I stopped wearing any type of clothing that wasn't totally conservative. I gained weight. I quit wearing makeup. Why? Because I didn't want to be attractive in that way. I didn't want men coming on to me for that. I didn't want to appear available. I did my best to avoid that.
College was fine, I was in familiar surroundings with familiar people. After college I was always with Mr. Lavender who I trusted. He was harmless, responsible, and was kind and gentle. He was always there with me.
Law school and living alone have proven to be difficult. Last year, in the spring, I was harassed and seriously come onto late one night as I was getting gas. I absolutely froze. I had the events from previous times come back to me, in the strangest haze. But, I froze. All I could think about was getting out of this situation safely. They were drunk, they were highly suggestive, they were coming on strong, they were just being terrible in the things they were saying to me. I froze. But, not without realizing that I had to get out safely. The man behind the counter had his hand on the phone it was that bad. He was worried about me. He was just some scrawny kid. But, I asked him to watch me get out of my car. Then I purposely headed a direction away from home and did a U at some point so they would have no clue where I lived. I was in panic mode. I had a serious panic attack once I got home. That event spiralled me back into therapy because I was already a bit depressed.
Earlier this year, sitting alone at a restaurant studying I had a similar occurrence. But, I was ok. I had a table next to me that was helping me.
Tonight I was sitting at my diner, studying. I had a cup of coffee. I looked like sheet in a gray sweatshirt and jeans, hair up. Studying. I had my laptop open, I had my books open and I was highlighting. WHAT ABOUT THIS FUCKING SITUATION SAYS I WANT TO BE PICKED UP????????????
So, this guy comes in, sits down. He doesn't order anything. He quickly proceeds to come over to my table. He asked me out about 6-7 times. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He was suggesting things, harassing me. I froze once again. I didn't know what to say. I just sat there willing him away. I just want to appease in these situations, get me out of danger.
I kept trying to get the waiter over to the table, thinking he would catch on to my nervousness. Nothing worked.
I got up from the table, paid, went back to the table. HE was still waiting for me. When I grabbed my books to leave, he followed.
I turned back around and went into the bathroom. I came out, he was still there waiting on me. I was so scared, I didn't know how to get away. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't want to be embarassed. I went back in the bathroom, where I just started crying. I felt so weak. I felt so helpless. You have no idea how careful I am. I don't emit those vibes. I stay away from them. I'm so scared of men in real life especially when I'm not in my comfort zone.
I came back out of the bathroom and got a waiter and talked to him. HE said he would walk me out to my car. I waited and pretended to go sit down. The guy had left the front door. I don't know where he went.
All I know is I got in my car and drove home, in a state of just disbelief. I kept looking in my review mirror checking to make sure no one was there. I came in my house, locked the door...and then I just started breathing so rapidly. I still am. I hate these situations. They are minor, but they bring up so much fucking shit.
Why do men have to be this way? Why? I signal no interest to any of them. I mention my boyfriend. I tell them I'm busy. You tell them everything. I'm not going to play some coy flirtatious bullshit game with them. I'm not going to play Ms. Pseudo Badass either. I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.
Now do you know why I hate feigned sexuality? Now do you wonder why I get so fucking pissed off when women pull this games bullshit?
It's because SHIT happens in real life all the time. And all you do is perpetuate the myth that that's what we want.
Well guess what, it's the last fucking thing I want. This shit just makes me want to stay inside and never leave by myself without the company of another person.
I'm not a scared person. I've walked the streets of the largest cities by myself. But, after the events I've experienced, I think I've become a coward. If I can become a coward, ANYONE CAN!
I'm going to be more sincere here than I have and I'm probably divulging way too much personal information. As I have stated on this board before, while I was in Europe, more than 4 years ago, I was drugged and raped. I also was accosted on the streets by this guy who was masturbating. I was robbed, pulled to him, and then he followed me after getting my keys and all my money. I made it to a friends house, thankfully I remembered where a person lived that was nearby. He was still behind me.
Ok, I got over it. I guess. But, in its aftermath, I changed drastically. I'm no longer the party girl I once was. Why? Because I blame that type of life on the situations I got involved in. I stopped wearing any type of clothing that wasn't totally conservative. I gained weight. I quit wearing makeup. Why? Because I didn't want to be attractive in that way. I didn't want men coming on to me for that. I didn't want to appear available. I did my best to avoid that.
College was fine, I was in familiar surroundings with familiar people. After college I was always with Mr. Lavender who I trusted. He was harmless, responsible, and was kind and gentle. He was always there with me.
Law school and living alone have proven to be difficult. Last year, in the spring, I was harassed and seriously come onto late one night as I was getting gas. I absolutely froze. I had the events from previous times come back to me, in the strangest haze. But, I froze. All I could think about was getting out of this situation safely. They were drunk, they were highly suggestive, they were coming on strong, they were just being terrible in the things they were saying to me. I froze. But, not without realizing that I had to get out safely. The man behind the counter had his hand on the phone it was that bad. He was worried about me. He was just some scrawny kid. But, I asked him to watch me get out of my car. Then I purposely headed a direction away from home and did a U at some point so they would have no clue where I lived. I was in panic mode. I had a serious panic attack once I got home. That event spiralled me back into therapy because I was already a bit depressed.
Earlier this year, sitting alone at a restaurant studying I had a similar occurrence. But, I was ok. I had a table next to me that was helping me.
Tonight I was sitting at my diner, studying. I had a cup of coffee. I looked like sheet in a gray sweatshirt and jeans, hair up. Studying. I had my laptop open, I had my books open and I was highlighting. WHAT ABOUT THIS FUCKING SITUATION SAYS I WANT TO BE PICKED UP????????????
So, this guy comes in, sits down. He doesn't order anything. He quickly proceeds to come over to my table. He asked me out about 6-7 times. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He was suggesting things, harassing me. I froze once again. I didn't know what to say. I just sat there willing him away. I just want to appease in these situations, get me out of danger.
I kept trying to get the waiter over to the table, thinking he would catch on to my nervousness. Nothing worked.
I got up from the table, paid, went back to the table. HE was still waiting for me. When I grabbed my books to leave, he followed.
I turned back around and went into the bathroom. I came out, he was still there waiting on me. I was so scared, I didn't know how to get away. I didn't want to cause a stir. I didn't want to be embarassed. I went back in the bathroom, where I just started crying. I felt so weak. I felt so helpless. You have no idea how careful I am. I don't emit those vibes. I stay away from them. I'm so scared of men in real life especially when I'm not in my comfort zone.
I came back out of the bathroom and got a waiter and talked to him. HE said he would walk me out to my car. I waited and pretended to go sit down. The guy had left the front door. I don't know where he went.
All I know is I got in my car and drove home, in a state of just disbelief. I kept looking in my review mirror checking to make sure no one was there. I came in my house, locked the door...and then I just started breathing so rapidly. I still am. I hate these situations. They are minor, but they bring up so much fucking shit.
Why do men have to be this way? Why? I signal no interest to any of them. I mention my boyfriend. I tell them I'm busy. You tell them everything. I'm not going to play some coy flirtatious bullshit game with them. I'm not going to play Ms. Pseudo Badass either. I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.
Now do you know why I hate feigned sexuality? Now do you wonder why I get so fucking pissed off when women pull this games bullshit?
It's because SHIT happens in real life all the time. And all you do is perpetuate the myth that that's what we want.
Well guess what, it's the last fucking thing I want. This shit just makes me want to stay inside and never leave by myself without the company of another person.
I'm not a scared person. I've walked the streets of the largest cities by myself. But, after the events I've experienced, I think I've become a coward. If I can become a coward, ANYONE CAN!
