You might be a Republican if........

[plasticman33]

*You're a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.

*You've ever refered to the moral fiber of something.

*You've uttered the phrase "Why don't we just bomb the shit out of the SOB's.

*You've ever called a secretary or waitress honey.

*You don't think 'The Simpsons' is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders guy makes a lot of sense.

*You don't let your kids watch 'Sesame Street' because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance".

*You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in western values".

*You think Birkenstock was a radical rock concert in 1969.

*You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.

*Vietnam made a lot of sense to you.

*You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

*You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me".

*You've ever referred to Anita Hill as "that lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund raiser.

*You've ever referred to education as a luxury.

*You look down through the glass ceiling and chuckle.

*You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" bumper sticker.

*You're afraid of the "liberal media".

*You have ever based an arguement on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates......."

*You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts "a bunch of pornographers".

*You think all artists are gay.

*You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.

 

[cybergirly]

Well 3 of those apply to me. No I'm not saying which 3, only that "I do think that Flanders guy makes alot of sense".

 

[plasticman33]

Well 3 of those apply to me. No I'm not saying which 3, only that "I do think that Flanders guy makes alot of sense".

Yes he does, doesn't he!

I hope though, you don't think Bert and Ernie are sexual deviants!

 

[cybergirly]

Yes he does, doesn't he!

I hope though, you don't think Bert and Ernie are sexual deviants!

*looks around notices she's logged onto lit* What's a sexual deviant?

 

[RawHumor]

*You're a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.
Yeah, that's just silly. Truly innocent people SHOULD be killed while mass murderers should be forced to live in free sub-standard housing.


*You've ever refered to the moral fiber of something. Nope.

*You've uttered the phrase "Why don't we just bomb the shit out of the SOB's.Nope.

*You've ever called a secretary or waitress honey.I think you're confusing redneck with Republican here.

*You don't think 'The Simpsons' is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders guy makes a lot of sense.Actually, it's one of my favorite shows.

*You don't let your kids watch 'Sesame Street' because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance".It's one of HER favorite shows.

*You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in western values".Huh?

*You think Birkenstock was a radical rock concert in 1969.Okay...

*You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.No, but I HAVE used the "If guns were outlawed then only outlaws would own guns" line.

*Vietnam made a lot of sense to you.Before my time, but I've heard a lot from both sides that made sense.

*You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.Mostly, I just point to them and laugh, or hold my ears.

*You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me".It's clean where I am.

*You've ever referred to Anita Hill as "that lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund raiser.He was black and conservative, so he MUST have been guilty of something.

*You've ever referred to education as a luxury.Nope.

*You look down through the glass ceiling and chuckle.That's just ignorant - more of the same "Republicans are all sexist and racist" theme.

*You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" bumper sticker.No, but I do listen to the show.

*You're afraid of the "liberal media".Not afraid of them at all. Amused, sometimes.

*You have ever based an arguement on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates......."Hmmmm... sort of.

*You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts "a bunch of pornographers".I haven't, but I do agree that I SHOULD pay some guy to make Jesus sculptures out of elephant dung.

*You think all artists are gay.Rambrat's not gay... wait. Let me get back to you about this one.


*You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.

 

[brokenbrainwave]

crap, I am guilty of 6! I swear I am not a reublican, I promise I am not.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

*You're a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.

I am not a Republican, but I am "pro-life" and I do support the death penalty. The difference is obvious even to people who support abortion rights.

*You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.

That's bogus! Any self-respecting gun owner knows handguns are totally inadequate for bear! I may have 300 handguns, but those are for racoons, rabid squirrels, and stray dogs and cats, not bears. For bears I have 300 rifles! Typical liberal gun grabbing leftists - can't even get their facts straight!


YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...

* You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

* You say shows like "Leave It to Beaver" are out of touch with America today, while you flip to your soap opera.

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

* You want to know why we don't offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn't that what public schools are for).

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a "colored person."

* You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.

* You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

* You outwardly said "I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole" knowing darn well you wouldn't have because she is a Republican.

* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones' accusations to be swept under the rug.

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

* You sang along to "Give Peace a Chance" during the Gulf War.

* You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.

* You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

* You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed.

* You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

* You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam."

* You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.

* If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law" at least once a week.

* If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said it right" during an episode of Oprah.

* You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.

* You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too bad a shape.

* All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing" signs now have "Beware of Global Warming" on the back.

* You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating that your bags are subject to inspection.

* Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".

* You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Sadam Hussein would fold like rookie poker player.

* You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Womyn's Studies."

* You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women of this country!"

* You blame things on "The Man."

* You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.

* You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's inhumanity to man!"

* You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.

* You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.

* You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.

* You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

* You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture refinement for the 90's.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is undertaxed."

* You voted for the most attractive candidate in any given election.

* You think the President is above the law, as long as he has good hair.

* You think Ted Kennedy knows how to spend your money better than you do.

* You think Ted Kennedy knows how to spend *my* money better than I do.

* You thought Nixon should resign, but Clinton should stay.

* You think the government can cure the national debt by printing more money.

* You understand why the National Organization for Women still supported Bill Clinton.

* You believe the government owes everyone a living.

* You thought people wereagainst Clinton because he is from Arkansas.

* You believed Anita Hill without evidence, but don't believe Genifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Kathleen Willey, Monica Lewinsky, and Juanita Broadderick with evidence.

* You think Hillary is a strong and intelligent woman for sticking by her husband through *at least* three affairs.

* You thought Packwood should go and Clinton should stay.

* You think a man is entitled to "one free grope"; that is, if he's a liberal.

* You think all men commit adultery and then lie about it in front of a grand jury.

* You think saying "I'm sorry" exonerates you from punishment for any crime.

* You want to nationalize the health and medical industry.

* You want to nationalize the banking industry.

* You want to nationalize the stock market.

* You think that with a little tweaking, Marx and Engles had a pretty good basis for a plan.

* You think a crime committed by a liberal is okay: that is, the ends justify the means.

* You think married men should be allowed to have affairs with subordinates half their age *in the workplace* and still keep their jobs.

* You think it's alright for a woman to exchange sexual favors with her employer for a better job, as long as she agrees.

* You find nothing wrong with a President getting adulterous oral sex from a subordinate half his age while on the phone with Congressmen discussing troop deployments to foreign lands.

* You think Watergate should cost a President his job, but not Filegate.

* You trusted Janet Reno.

* You think perjury, obstruction of justice, failure to comply with subpoenas, allowing a foreign communist government to influence US federal elections, subornation to perjury, accepting foreign campaign contributions, at least 64 convictions on business partners and friends (fraud, conspiracy, money laundering, and drugs), destroying evidence, illegal access to government personnel files of political opponents, drug kingpins in the White House, illegal fundraising, coercion, abuse of power, sicking IRS audits on whistleblowers and political opponents, money laundering, personal use of government counsel, running a campaign database at taxpayer cost, raiding two dead men's offices, payoffs, selling plots in Arlington, violation of sunshine laws, lobbying from the VPs office, witness tampering, hidden taxes, selling sensitive military technology to China, sexual harassment, sexual assault, lying, obfuscation, and selling the Lincoln Bedroom are "politics as normal".

* You loathe the US military.

* You've ever used the military to cover up one or more of your sex scandals.

* You used sex scandals to cover up finance scandals.

* You've ever lied about receiving a draft notice.

* You still believe Clinton didn't inhale.


* You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling."

* You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is covering up: Roswell, the Kennedy assassination, the CIA's role in creating AIDS.

* You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this
important."

* You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian
budget cuts."

* You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.

* You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.

* You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend.

* You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.

 

[cybergirly]

Well I agree with 5 of Shy Tall Guys. (the list was longer)
btw: some of those were very funny.

 

[miles]

This list has just about as much truth as yours....

You Might Be a Liberal If

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

If you are against capital punishment but for abortion on demand.

If you believe that the same public school [teacher] who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

If you believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

If you believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

If you believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

If you believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

If you believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

If you believe there was no art before federal funding.

If you believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

If you believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

If you believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

If you believe conservatives and libertarians are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

 

[KillerMuffin]

This is all that applied to me:

*You've uttered the phrase "Why don't we just bomb the shit out of the SOB's.

I'm still a Republican.

 

[miles]

If you believe conservatives and libertarians are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

That's called Liberal logic.

 

[miles]

I like this game

You believe that a tiny, Mideast democracy trying to protect its people from complete annihilation are mistreating violent, Arab dictators who put children in the front lines of combat

 

[miles]

You believe that the government has more rights to waste other people’s money on programs that don’t work than working people have to spend their own money on things they need.

 

[cybergirly]

If you believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.



Are you saying that, that is not true?

 

[aaron697]

No wonder we never get anywhere.

How can we expect to progress as a society? When we constantly label each other and place blame for the cause of all our problems nothing is achieved.

That typical "Not me, I am with stupid" mentality- everyone is fucked up except for "me", no wonder the world has gone to shit.


As for me, I am going to slip on my Birkie's, take some Psilocybin, go trip at a Phish concert, and expand my mind.

A

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Well I agree with 5 of Shy Tall Guys. (the list was longer)
btw: some of those were very funny.

I agree with at least one: I do think perjury, obstruction of justice, failure to comply with subpoenas, allowing a foreign communist government to influence US federal elections, subornation to perjury, accepting foreign campaign contributions, at least 64 convictions on business partners and friends (fraud, conspiracy, money laundering, and drugs), destroying evidence, illegal access to government personnel files of political opponents, drug kingpins in the White House, illegal fundraising, coercion, abuse of power, sicking IRS audits on whistleblowers and political opponents, money laundering, personal use of government counsel, running a campaign database at taxpayer cost, raiding two dead men's offices, payoffs, selling plots in Arlington, violation of sunshine laws, lobbying from the VPs office, witness tampering, hidden taxes, selling sensitive military technology to China, sexual harassment, sexual assault, lying, obfuscation, and selling the Lincoln Bedroom are "politics as normal".

I actually deleted some from the various lists found online because they were either so obviously stupid and one-sided, or I actually did agree with them in some manner.

Just to be fair - you might be a Libertarian...

* If you own a tri-cornered hat.

* If you own a tri-cornered hat and wear it ---in public.

* If you don't see any difference between Duhbya and Alphagore, and you tell your buddies at the shooting range this just to see the veins pop out on their foreheads.

* If you think Peter McWilliams should be canonized.

* If you have Harry Browne bumper stickers, t-shirts, and yard signs, and the other LPers in your chapter still think you're not quite committed enough.

* If during the Y2K scare, your local National Guard armory staff camped out in your house because you have more and better guns than them.

* Whenever you talk to someone (non-Libertarian) about politics, you have to keep saying to yourself, "non-initiation of force, non-initiation of force..."

* If you think 99 percent of politicians give the rest of them a bad name.

* If you think that politicians should be limited to two terms, one in office and one in jail.

* If you think that a magazine worth banning is probably a magazine worth buying.

* If you think that crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

* If you think that the problem with civil servants is that too many of them are neither civil nor servants.

* If someone asks you if you mind if they smoke and you ask them to be more specific.

* If someone asks you to take a urine test and you feel like telling them you'll give them a taste test.

* If you just bought a new radar detector for your truck that shakes so bad it won't go over 55 MPH.

* You spank yourself when you see Janet Reno.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: No wonder we never get anywhere.

How can we expect to progress as a society? When we constantly label each other and place blame for the cause of all our problems nothing is achieved.

That typical "Not me, I am with stupid" mentality- everyone is fucked up except for "me", no wonder the world has gone to shit.

Hey, it works for me!

As for me, I am going to slip on my Birkie's, take some Psilocybin, go trip at a Phish concert, and expand my mind.

Well, if what works for you is to label everybody as labeling everybody else, then go get drugged up while listening to music, then that is your right - we Libertarians are all about rights!

 

[cybergirly]

I'm so confused. I agree with 3 of those as well.
(but I don't even know what a tri-cornered hat is)
What does that say about me.

edited to say ok it's really 4.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I'm so confused. I agree with 3 of those as well.
(but I don't even know what a tri-cornered hat is)
What does that say about me.

It means you are like the rest of us independent thinkers; while we may lean one way or the other on politics, we do not let any one party define what we believe in - much to their consternation.

 

[cybergirly]

It means you are like the rest of us independent thinkers; while we may lean one way or the other on politics, we do not let any one party define what we believe in - much to their consternation.

I knew that! Actually told someone that the other day, and they thought I was insane. I do not vote for the party. I vote for the canidate, the issue, whatever. If more people were like that, we would have a lot fewer idiots in public office.

 

[aaron697]

To label or not to label

To not take a stance is a stance. To be indecisive is a decision. To take no action is an action itself.

To not label, makes me a labeler!

I need more drugs and music. Maybe a dry martini and a Sinatra CD! Oh, wait.....someone might label me as *gasp*, a republican!

A

 

[miles]

Republicrats don't know whatthefucktodo with Libertarians.

Many Liberals love government, and believe it should be used as a method of redistributing wealth. They don't really want true freedom. They want security. But they don't know the difference, and often say security IS freedom. Often refer to themselves as "open minded" and "progressive."

Many Conservatives cloak themselves in the Constitution, but insist on using government to force their religion-based morality on everyone else. They need to get a fucking life and not worry about what goes on in my bedroom or movies I like. They think gay people recruit to increase their numbers.


I'm always amused by the mindless charges against Libertarianism.

"If we don't pay taxes, we won't have schools, police, military," and so on ad nauseum.

Or my favorite "True Libertarianism would result in anarchy. No laws, no rules. Sex with kids will be legal."

The same type of prejudicial ignorance we used to hear about ethnic groups, sex ed, marijuana, etc.

 

[John1980]

This is a very interesting thread. With only two (big) political parties in the US, people tend to label each other very easily and see things in black and white. In Europe, many countries have more political parties and there are more 'labels'. I'm not saying any system is better than the other, but i _think_ that in the US you will be labeled more easily than in many european countries. And about the tri-cornered hat thing, i couldn't agree more The world is not black (vs) white, and neither are people. Please don't accuse them of being so either.

 

[Purple Haze]

I think miles had a pretty good list, some of it was humorous even. We need to go hide behind the shed and smoke a doobie, we can discuss the flat-tax idea. Then we can discuss whether or not it's true what some republicans say about marijuana causing men to grow boobs.

Shy Tall Guy is in dire, dire need of a blow job.

Where's glamorilla?

 

[sunstruck]

This joke is too sad to not be funny. PH, can you past that splif this way?