You don't need a Dom, You need a vacation!

[Richard49]

This was written by a Domme I know
and after reading posts here for a day or two
I thought it might benfit others


Over the years, I have had the opportunity to work with many people who have entered this lifestyle via online. They toy with the world of BDSM in its various forms and then all of a sudden they seek real life.

This is all fine and good if you take what you have learned and are able to separate the online BS from reality. My favorite scenes are the ones that the Dom can get a submissive to cum over and over again and she can still type not missing a key stroke! I don't know about you folks, but that kind of energy for myself is not spent on typing!

One such young lady whom I encountered, decided she was submissive and sought out an online Dom to explore her submissive side. It was not long after that she thought she needed more because there was something missing in her life and her answer was to go real time in order to be happy. There was one glitch, she was married and real time was not a feasible option for her. This made me question her a little further and I asked her what specifically was missing in her life that she thought a full time, R/L Dom would provide

Her answer followed these lines. She was tired of responsibility.
She wanted someone to take care of her. She was tired of having to juggle the family finances. She was tired of being the primary
caregiver for the children. She was tired of constantly being
the "doer" in the family.

My first response to her was "You don't need a Dom, you need a
vacation."

I wonder how many submissives equate those needs to wanting a Dom. During our entire conversation, there wasn't a word about the fulfillment of serving, the joy of making a Dom pleased and proud, the peace in giving up control to Another that holds all your trust.

Being submissive is not being less responsible. If anything, it adds responsibility. Just because you give up control does not mean you are not responsible for your life. The added responsibility is to properly manage your life so you have the time and energy to please and serve your Master/Mistress. In cases where money management is handled by the Dom, that does not relive one of the responsibility to spend wisely or to be part of the earning mix. Being submissive does not relieve you of the responsibility of raising and caring for
children.

Living in the real world does not allow a submissive to spend all of her time sitting at her Doms feet waiting for him to decide it is
play time. A D/s relationship means working hard together to
maintain a home, manage a family if there is one, working on
strengthening a relationship, and integrating lifestyle ways into a
vanilla world without being threatening to those who do not
understand it.

Does a submissive worry about household repairs, bills, car repairs, kids schoolwork, and all the other everyday life stuff? YES!. However, a real life submissive will trust her dominants judgment on how to resolve these issues. Does that dominant ever make a bad choice? YES! But a real life submissive will never doubt his ability to maintain control over all that affects them.

Further into the discussion with this young lady, she explained that she was perfectly content doing the things her online Dom asks of her....a journal here, a questionnaire there, reading an article on BDSM and giving him a book report. She just wishes she could submit to him "all the time".

How do you explain to someone that submitting "all the time" doesn't mean that the laundry goes undone? That the children are left to their own devices while you devote yourself to your online Dom? That you don't automatically develop the financial freedom to serve your Dom his favorite lobster dish every night, but rather have to learn how to make something he will adore out of ground beef?

If you are a submissive in a D/s relationship, think about everything you have done today. Did you do laundry? Did you mow the lawn? Did you clean house, bath the dog, help the children with their homework and still find time to make sure your Dominant's needs were met and you served from the heart?

How many people are truly seduced by the thought that being owned means you get to smile, be pretty, and wait for a directive here and there? How many people think that being submissive is sitting idly at your Master/Mistress's feet or being a show-piece with nothing to do but paint your nails and brush your hair? When did this illusion of being a "harem pleasure slave" become the missing piece in a so-called submissive's life that she thinks a R/L Dom is going to be her escape from reality.

Being submissive is hard work. It is dedication beyond the main
streams understanding. It is managing your life in order to free up that time and energy you need to full-fill your need to serve and please. It is being responsible. It is not running away from
responsibility.

My deepest respect to all of you who shine in the beauty of your
submission.

/Mistress Falcon

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think from my experience of conversing with others and listening to their interpretations and expectations this outlines very well the propensity for some to underestimate the true meaning of submission and serving, and the responsibilities of dominants they feel are going to become an omnipotent being in their lives and relieve them of all the normal stresses of modern life. They tend to feel the relationship will be geared more to easing their lives with little obligation to have any real input except for giving sexual pleasure. Is refective of many who see BDSM as a solely sexual choice, predominantly sexual in it's essence, and understanding nothing about the enormity of the submissives responsibility, or the continual difficulty in adhering to all that is expected.

Catalina

 

[kayte]

This was written by a Domme I know
and after reading posts here for a day or two
I thought it might benfit others


Over the years, I have had the opportunity to work with many people who have entered this lifestyle via online. They toy with the world of BDSM in its various forms and then all of a sudden they seek real life.

This is all fine and good if you take what you have learned and are able to separate the online BS from reality. My favorite scenes are the ones that the Dom can get a submissive to cum over and over again and she can still type not missing a key stroke! I don't know about you folks, but that kind of energy for myself is not spent on typing!

One such young lady whom I encountered, decided she was submissive and sought out an online Dom to explore her submissive side. It was not long after that she thought she needed more because there was something missing in her life and her answer was to go real time in order to be happy. There was one glitch, she was married and real time was not a feasible option for her. This made me question her a little further and I asked her what specifically was missing in her life that she thought a full time, R/L Dom would provide

Her answer followed these lines. She was tired of responsibility.
She wanted someone to take care of her. She was tired of having to juggle the family finances. She was tired of being the primary
caregiver for the children. She was tired of constantly being
the "doer" in the family.

My first response to her was "You don't need a Dom, you need a
vacation."

I wonder how many submissives equate those needs to wanting a Dom. During our entire conversation, there wasn't a word about the fulfillment of serving, the joy of making a Dom pleased and proud, the peace in giving up control to Another that holds all your trust.

Being submissive is not being less responsible. If anything, it adds responsibility. Just because you give up control does not mean you are not responsible for your life. The added responsibility is to properly manage your life so you have the time and energy to please and serve your Master/Mistress. In cases where money management is handled by the Dom, that does not relive one of the responsibility to spend wisely or to be part of the earning mix. Being submissive does not relieve you of the responsibility of raising and caring for
children.

Living in the real world does not allow a submissive to spend all of her time sitting at her Doms feet waiting for him to decide it is
play time. A D/s relationship means working hard together to
maintain a home, manage a family if there is one, working on
strengthening a relationship, and integrating lifestyle ways into a
vanilla world without being threatening to those who do not
understand it.

Does a submissive worry about household repairs, bills, car repairs, kids schoolwork, and all the other everyday life stuff? YES!. However, a real life submissive will trust her dominants judgment on how to resolve these issues. Does that dominant ever make a bad choice? YES! But a real life submissive will never doubt his ability to maintain control over all that affects them.

Further into the discussion with this young lady, she explained that she was perfectly content doing the things her online Dom asks of her....a journal here, a questionnaire there, reading an article on BDSM and giving him a book report. She just wishes she could submit to him "all the time".

How do you explain to someone that submitting "all the time" doesn't mean that the laundry goes undone? That the children are left to their own devices while you devote yourself to your online Dom? That you don't automatically develop the financial freedom to serve your Dom his favorite lobster dish every night, but rather have to learn how to make something he will adore out of ground beef?

If you are a submissive in a D/s relationship, think about everything you have done today. Did you do laundry? Did you mow the lawn? Did you clean house, bath the dog, help the children with their homework and still find time to make sure your Dominant's needs were met and you served from the heart?

How many people are truly seduced by the thought that being owned means you get to smile, be pretty, and wait for a directive here and there? How many people think that being submissive is sitting idly at your Master/Mistress's feet or being a show-piece with nothing to do but paint your nails and brush your hair? When did this illusion of being a "harem pleasure slave" become the missing piece in a so-called submissive's life that she thinks a R/L Dom is going to be her escape from reality.

Being submissive is hard work. It is dedication beyond the main
streams understanding. It is managing your life in order to free up that time and energy you need to full-fill your need to serve and please. It is being responsible. It is not running away from
responsibility.

My deepest respect to all of you who shine in the beauty of your
submission.

/Mistress Falcon

Richard ~ Thank you so much for posting that. It is so true.

It is a good explanation of what it (submission) really is.

 

[redelicious]

So Richard, what if I need both?

In all seriousness I can relate to the young lady in your essay.

One such young lady whom I encountered, decided she was submissive and sought out an online Dom to explore her submissive side. It was not long after that she thought she needed more because there was something missing in her life and her answer was to go real time in order to be happy. There was one glitch, she was married and real time was not a feasible option for her. This made me question her a little further and I asked her what specifically was missing in her life that she thought a full time, R/L Dom would provide

Her answer followed these lines. She was tired of responsibility.
She wanted someone to take care of her. She was tired of having to juggle the family finances. She was tired of being the primary
caregiver for the children. She was tired of constantly being
the "doer" in the family.

A lot of the above applies to me, but I realized a long time ago that I could not look to anyone else for self-control. My first self-appointed task (upon seeing myself as submissive) became to improve who I was outside of any other relationship. I read more. I learned to manage my time more wisely. I took better care of myself. I have tried to apply what I learned to my relationships. I am not always perfect in this, but I do find it helps aliviate stress. My hope is that as I improve my husband will as well, filling some of the void that I have been feeling.

It's not the same as having a Dom, by a long shot. Being able to please and care for my partner is the very thing that fuels me. I don't have a relationship where I can put my full trust and faith in my husband, but I choose to stay married. As a result I am learning to accept and be happy for who I am.

I know by posting this I am opening myself up to some criticisms. Perhaps it will help someone else in my position.

 

[ammre]

That's a good article. One thing i've mentioned is that i tend to have a lot of control and i tent to try and be always right and always be the middle man and the peace keeper and the quintisential eclectic perfect person. I'm now having my own little internal argument over wether or not i need a vacation, or i need to be dominated. I've stated before that being submissive is almost a way for me to relinquish all my pride and all my dependency upon my social status by being subserviant to my love. Should i reconsider my thinking?

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think from my experience of conversing with others and listening to their interpretations and expectations this outlines very well the propensity for some to underestimate the true meaning of submission and serving, and the responsibilities of dominants they feel are going to become an omnipotent being in their lives and relieve them of all the normal stresses of modern life. They tend to feel the relationship will be geared more to easing their lives with little obligation to have any real input except for giving sexual pleasure. Is refective of many who see BDSM as a solely sexual choice, predominantly sexual in it's essence, and understanding nothing about the enormity of the submissives responsibility, or the continual difficulty in adhering to all that is expected.

Catalina

Yes, I call it the "tie me up, fuck me and make me cum, Master/Mistress" school of submission.

 

[bunny bondage]

yeah, i've met guys who didn't understand at all what it meant to be a dominant. i'm sure there are submissives out there to. some people don't understand that it isn't a game - it's a relationship. it's not just something that gets me off, it's how i have to live.

so thank you, Richard, for calling this to our attention. i guess it would be inappropriate to call these people "novices" since hey - we were all novices at some point. we've all got to start somewhere.

i really don't see what we can do about the problem (aside from massive public advertising - which i've actually been thinking about lately, i'll have to make a thread about it) but it's a good warning to recieve. thanks, Richard, for looking out for us as always! ^_^

 

[Arden]

Very good reading, Richard... thanks for sharing it!

 

[Soron]

I wonder how many submissives equate those needs to wanting a Dom. During our entire conversation, there wasn't a word about the fulfillment of serving, the joy of making a Dom pleased and proud, the peace in giving up control to Another that holds all your trust.

Being submissive is not being less responsible. If anything, it adds responsibility. Just because you give up control does not mean you are not responsible for your life. The added responsibility is to properly manage your life so you have the time and energy to please and serve your Master/Mistress. In cases where money management is handled by the Dom, that does not relive one of the responsibility to spend wisely or to be part of the earning mix. Being submissive does not relieve you of the responsibility of raising and caring for
children.

Living in the real world does not allow a submissive to spend all of her time sitting at her Doms feet waiting for him to decide it is
play time. A D/s relationship means working hard together to
maintain a home, manage a family if there is one, working on
strengthening a relationship, and integrating lifestyle ways into a
vanilla world without being threatening to those who do not
understand it.


That first paragraph is something Arden and I have talked at great length about. It is her desire to give me her trust, to serve my sexual desires, and to be someone I can be proud to call my own. She's not interested in sitting at me feet and doing her nails or waiting for my next command. She wants to be all she can be for me, and for us.

One of the reasons I chose Arden as my partner is, because she is strong, she does have opinions for me to consider about life's journey. She does think of me, above all else, excluding her children. She doesn't need a collar to remind her of that. She doesn't need to be relieved of life's responsibilities to serve me as my submissive. She is what she is, a strong, intelligent, submissive woman.

We all have to live in the real world. I'm lucky to have a submissive partner who understands that.

 

[MissTaken]

I think another area of responsibility that can be an eye opener is the submissive's responsibility to be the best he/she an for his or her Dominant.

A submissive may enjoy many things, but when the Dominant makes diet and excercise a part of her responsibilities or tries to change how she dresses, or even insists that she read the newspaper and keep up on current events, it can be a difficult thing to accept without feeling insulted or less than adequate.


However, it all amounts to a Dominant trying to motivate and support the submissive toward self actualization.

 

[Justina123]

Great article and I agree wholeheartedly with it.

However, I must say that there can also be a strong element of NEEDING the Dominant's help and advice in all areas of life. I am a divorced working Mom and the submissive in a D/s relationship and I cannot tell you what a HUGE and wonderful thing it is for me to have Sir's companionship. Yes, I still do laundry- in fact, I do his as well as my family's, but it is a joy and he never fails to thank me for it. Yes, I still cook meals- and now for one more person, and sometimes he chooses the menu, etc.- but what a joy to have another adult at the dinner table, someone to help direct the family conversation, to remind the kids to clear their dishes, etc. etc.

And sometimes we DO get away for a night or the weekend and I get time where I can mainly just be his slut, sex toy, or whatever else he decides.

So while I do agree that being submissive is a lot of work, to me there is way more joy in daily duties when they are performed for my Dominant.

- justina

 

[Sabine]

How many people are truly seduced by the thought that being owned means you get to smile, be pretty, and wait for a directive here and there? How many people think that being submissive is sitting idly at your Master/Mistress's feet or being a show-piece with nothing to do but paint your nails and brush your hair? When did this illusion of being a "harem pleasure slave" become the missing piece in a so-called submissive's life that she thinks a R/L Dom is going to be her escape from reality.

I blame Anne Rice.

 

[bunny bondage]

I blame Anne Rice.

lol!

 

[lektra]

Thanks for posting Richard, The sentiments expressed I agree with wholeheartedly.

LOL Sabine, can I blame Anne Rice too?

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: You don't need a Dom, You need a vacation!

<snipped>A lot of the above applies to me, but I realized a long time ago that I could not look to anyone else for self-control. <snipped>

I tend to focus on this aspect. Giving control to another does not mean that I suddenly become an utterly selfless extension - self-control and responsibility and service are involved in continually giving control to another on a day to day basis outside of intense scene and sub space.

This might be counter-intuitive to some who feel they are a natural submissive and their only wish is to serve and please, but for me there is a great deal of self-mastery before I can be uh, Mastered by someone else. It's another one of those seeming paradoxes I love in BDSM, as this whole self-mastery and submission to another, leads to surrender as a larger concept.

I want the challenge, and the peace and connectedness. Two of the larger D/s aspects Mistress expects of me are 1. Obedience 2. The offspring that in all I do where there is question, the question is, "What would Mistress wish me to do?" These both require extra responsibilty and are far more reaching than being a self-absorbed showpiece - She wants an active submissive partner, not a child who cannot see beyond their own painted toes.

I also liked her point about the balancing act of D/s - not being able to 'give all' at the exclusion of other aspects of your life - they can be incorporated but not ignored. I know this essay is focused on the submissive, but it also points to an image of the Dominant as well - there are few Dominants on planet earth who have nothing else to do then sit on their royal throne and order a submissive about for casual sexual entertainment day in and day out. It's more about escapism then it is about building a firm reality one can live and share within.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: You don't need a Dom, You need a vacation!

I know this essay is focused on the submissive, but it also points to an image of the Dominant as well - there are few Dominants on planet earth who have nothing else to do then sit on their royal throne and order a submissive about for casual sexual entertainment day in and day out. It's more about escapism then it is about building a firm reality one can live and share within.

LOL...but then again as 24/7, and I suspect for others as well, D/s is more than just sexual, it pervades all aspects of our existence. Sexuality is only part of the whole.

Don't completley agree a natural submissive does not require a lot of self mastery but that is only my interpretation. To me the submission is a natural component of the personality in the BDSM sense, but still there remains that little problem of being human which cannot be avoided or dealt with any easier. To have a need to serve and please does not necessarily mean it is a gift that requires no sacrifice, or self control.

C

 

[MissTaken]

You Don't Need a Sub, You Need a Maid

I just reread the original post and almost verbatim, I have found some Dominants who feel that being Dominant means LESS responsibility, not more.

Having someone to take care of their every whim and need from finances, to housework to sexual urges seems to entice them more than the spirituality of the power exchange.

Also, their perspective is not realistic, anymore than the submissives in question.

Sometimes, this is due to a lack of knowledge or understanding, othertimes, it is due to their interprating D/s to meet their own needs.

For both involved, D/s brings about responsibility to a greater level than the mainstream often recognizes.

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: Re: Re: You don't need a Dom, You need a vacation!

LOL...but then again as 24/7, and I suspect for others as well, D/s is more than just sexual, it pervades all aspects of our existence. Sexuality is only part of the whole.

Don't completley agree a natural submissive does not require a lot of self mastery but that is only my interpretation. To me the submission is a natural component of the personality in the BDSM sense, but still there remains that little problem of being human which cannot be avoided or dealt with any easier. To have a need to serve and please does not necessarily mean it is a gift that requires no sacrifice, or self control.

C

Yes, exactly the point.

I agree 100%, Catalina - 'natural' or uhm, whatever the contrary may be. But sometimes people who claim that title have a tendency to go a bit overboard in their descriptives of how naturally submissive they are. Personally I think it takes self-control and sacrifice, no matter the submissive, but some speak of it as if there is none because they are naturals, so I was leaving some room for them and their beliefs.

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: You Don't Need a Sub, You Need a Maid

I just reread the original post and almost verbatim, I have found some Dominants who feel that being Dominant means LESS responsibility, not more.

Having someone to take care of their every whim and need from finances, to housework to sexual urges seems to entice them more than the spirituality of the power exchange.

Also, their perspective is not realistic, anymore than the submissives in question.

Sometimes, this is due to a lack of knowledge or understanding, othertimes, it is due to their interprating D/s to meet their own needs.

For both involved, D/s brings about responsibility to a greater level than the mainstream often recognizes.

Nodsnodsnods... it goes both ways.

 

[Richard49]

Re: You Don't Need a Sub, You Need a Maid

I just reread the original post and almost verbatim, I have found some Dominants who feel that being Dominant means LESS responsibility, not more.

Having someone to take care of their every whim and need from finances, to housework to sexual urges seems to entice them more than the spirituality of the power exchange.

Also, their perspective is not realistic, anymore than the submissives in question.

Sometimes, this is due to a lack of knowledge or understanding, othertimes, it is due to their interprating D/s to meet their own needs.

For both involved, D/s brings about responsibility to a greater level than the mainstream often recognizes.

IMHO the biggest part of responsiblity is honesty
and the biggest part of that is owning ones mistakes
weather they be deliberate or accidental

Excuses do not make a responsible person
Dom or submissive

 

[Desdemona]

Carrying your load in a D/s relationship is hard work, there is no doubt about it. Like any other relationship, there are sacrifices and times that we don't get what we want for a variety of reasons. I wish it were as simple as sitting at His feet waiting for a directive.

Personally, I could use a vacation, but, for me, that's another issue.

 

[LoneOne]

Hello, I think this is my first real post to this part of the forum but I have thought about this "natural submissive"-thing.

I´m normaly only lurking in this part of the forum but from the parts I´ve read here in this thread I think I would realy define me as a submissive person.

Ok, some infos:

I see myself as a submissive person, something that sometimes gets me in... lets just say trouble. In the case that I found someone I could love I often get this feeling... this urge to serve... I think the best way to describe it is its similarity to the way of life that the samurai in feudal japan have followed.
(I don´t know how to describe it to one who doesn´t know about the samurai but I think it comes close to the idea of beeing a submissive in a D/S kind of way. From my point of view an example of a 24/7 relationship only without the sexual part)

I don´t give up my life, I get something out of it. (The difference of my "normal" all day serving attidute) I have responsibility and I... don´t know how to describe it... I feel like I´m complete, that I have a worth. This doesn´t mean I stop my "normal" life activities. Ok, I have to sacrifice something, often some stuff I would fill my freetime with but that´s no problem for me.

Something like this only happend twice in my life and the problem is that in case one, the person vanished out of my life and in case two... that is the kind of trouble I have written about.

The person wasn´t able to handle me, you know if somebody serves you, helps you with everything and doing other "little" things for you like "open doors" for you and all this stuff "listening to your problems" you beginn to think about it.
And as a vanilla person it seems that you don´t feel well with this idea. Don´t ask me why?

In my case the problem is that I´m a guy and all female persons I´ve met either think a) he only wants sex/something from me or b) this guy is so cute/friendly etc. he must be gay... or somehow insane.

I have to mention that I´m a total virgin in RL, I never had a relationship nor something similar to a girlfriend (I have a lot female friends but that´s not the same) and I´m a real shy person.

So in respect to the original post I think I´m in need of a dominant person and not a vacation. (I must admit that I´m in need of a vacation too but the reason is something else )

Thanks for posting this richard and thanks to the other posters, know I´ve an idea of what beeing submissive means. I think I should do a search in the "Library Thread" for more information.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting bump?!! Miss seeing and reading LS around the board so much also.....so this is also doubling as a little LS fix.

C

 

[catalina_francisco]

"If you're not pissed off at the world, then you're just not paying attention." -Kasey Chambers

Had to say this sig line caught my eye.....one of my favourite songs and artists....at times she just has such a way of getting to the point without window dressing it for delicate sensibilities.

Catalinahttp://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/music/musik40.gif

 

[navarre]

This is one of the best threads ever posted to this board.

IMHO it should be made a sticky.