You are Beautiful Tonight (feedback please)

[Ravin the Poet]

You are Beautiful Tonight
Andrew Brethauer

Please, Please forgive me for what I have done
I thought wrong, rain drawn down upon my face
Let the sun fall in the west; brought on the mystique of night
Missing with absence; forgotten long ago
Am I isolated from the tide, brushing the sea
Can’t you see through the water, the puddle of rain, look at the face
Not the name, nor the present in which you see
Look deep into the night, stars cross the sky
See me through, between your eyes.
Please don’t be afraid, darkness will pull free
Nobody can tell me what I see in your eyes
All I know is you are beautiful tonight
And that I have; the words do I speak
Not a fortune of gold
Just the drops of rain; the majestic night
Praise from you soul
Aim high; fear to dwindle low
This can all be real; reality through to me
You are the one I see; praised for the one to be
I’ve only started to show; the gift of love aimed low
Hold your hand, joy held at last
Until the day, we part are way
Drops of rain; tears of delight
Puddles grow stronger, crimson regret
Forgive for my failure
Waiting to fall
Puddle awaits; drift till I fall
I’m but still; calm as thy eyes
Gift for thee, hearts surprise
Will I be amazed but the wonders I shall be
Will you be their, go through with thee?
Are you looking at me, see what I know
Love through your beauty; polish by your mark
The puddles of my soul, filled by drops of rain
In your reach; held in your head
Can you find me in your heart?
Or through thy eyes; in ‘tis day
Are love will begin; and I will speak the words you wish to hear
"I love you now, I love you dear"
We shall wait for the puddles to wash away
And brush into night, fade black into the sun
I will turn to you, mystical and gorgeous
"You are beautiful tonight"


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Comments and feedback on my first poem on lit. Hope you enjoy the poem!




Little backgorund info. I'm 18 years old, and have been writing poetry for 2 years. I specialize in love and dark poetry and am currently seeking an agency deal.

 

[thenry]

I'm sorry Andrew, but I really have no idea what this means. It's hard enough to read without any breaks, and after putting in the effort there are a bunch of vague abstract images and sentence fragments. The punctuation is either all wrong or missing.

Why are you using semi-colons in the middle of lines, and then nothing at the end of each line? Why are you mixing archaic language and modern constructions? Is this "dark poetry?"

I'm really sorry I can't be more or any help, but I don't know what you are trying to communicate. Any clarification you can give me would be much appreciated.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I guess this poem has more power when being read to someone. Basically, when I write, I really don't follow the rules I don't normally if ever put periods at the end of lines, and I use semi-colons to break up things that coma's can not be used for.

This is probably a good example of dark love poetry I wrote. So I'll explain it a little. The rain and all the water in this poem symbolizes tears and more or less crying. Mostly it's crying over that girl who is so beautiful and you want her so much, and wish to tell her so many things, but yet you don't and all you do is think about it.

I use a lot of the slang terms I know, so that may also be something different. This is probably one of my best poems, but also one of the most difficult to read and understand. Each person has their own meaning for it. My agency loved it, and a few of my friends have been brought to tears by it, but I guess knowing me would help.


But thank you anyway for reading and responding. If you need any more clarification on this poem, or any others, feel free to contact me and I can try to explain it better if you wish.

Ravin

 

[champagne1982]

Originally posted by Ravin the Poet, (extra line breaks and strophe separation by champagne1982)
Please,
Please forgive me for what I have done
I thought wrong,
rain drawn down upon my face
Let the sun fall in the west;

brought on the mystique of night
Missing with absence;
forgotten long ago

Am I isolated from the tide,
brushing the sea
Can’t you see through the water,
the puddle of rain,
look at the face
Not the name,
nor the present in which you see

Look deep into the night,
stars cross the sky
See me through,
between your eyes.

Please don’t be afraid,
darkness will pull free

Nobody can tell me what I see in your eyes
All I know is you are beautiful tonight

And that I have;
the words do I speak
Not a fortune of gold
Just the drops of rain;
the majestic night
Praise from you soul

Aim high;

fear to dwindle low

This can all be real;
reality through to me
You are the one I see;
praised for the one to be
I’ve only started to show;
the gift of love aimed low

Hold your hand,
joy held at last
Until the day,
we part are way

Drops of rain;
tears of delight
Puddles grow stronger,
crimson regret

Forgive for my failure
Waiting to fall

Puddle awaits;
drift till I fall

I’m but still;
calm as thy eyes
Gift for thee,
hearts surprise

Will I be amazed
but the wonders I shall be
Will you be their,
go through with thee?


Are you looking at me,
see what I know

Love through your beauty;
polish by your mark
The puddles of my soul,
filled by drops of rain

In your reach;
held in your head
Can you find me in your heart?

Or through thy eyes;
in ‘tis day
Are love will begin;

and I will speak the words you wish to hear
"I love you now, I love you dear"

We shall wait for the puddles to wash away
And brush into night,
fade black into the sun
I will turn to you,
mystical and gorgeous

"You are beautiful tonight"

Now that it's broken into manageable thoughts, there's a bit more coherency to your voice. Let me know if you would like more edit, this poem could use more, if only to suggest some word choice improvements.

 

[thenry]

I guess this poem has more power when being read to someone.

There is an audio poetry section to the library, if you want to record and submit it.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

See I can't edit this poem for well one very good reason. It's already being published. I think I may have submitted the wrong version, not sure, but I can't do much editing to it. I thank you for your offer though.

It's hard for me to even tell you what was going on in my head since this poem is about a year old. I posted it to see how people would react to my poetry. I will post more later, probably ones that are clear and direct.

Thanks again

Ravin

 

[thenry]

What does it being published have to do with editing a poem? You can do whatever you want to it.

Except post it, maybe. Many will not publish a poem if it has been published elsewhere. No one is quite sure if the internet counts as publishing, though.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

You can, it just matters what your publisher says. I have the poem on my website, and I can freely use it because I have no exclusive clause in my contract. But if it ever becomes the case I take everything down.

Now reason being why I can't edit is, because if I change the poem I have to re submit it. Which will take even longer. And with my vision for my book, and what my publisher and agent want, I can't just freely change things without their approval.

But being only 18 and not having great if any editing skills at all, I hope I cna post things here and people can help a poor grammar kid out.

Ravin

 

[thenry]

Well, be sure to tell us where and when you are being published so we can look out for you.