Yet another request (PLEASE!!!) for feedback...

[firegoddess76]

Well hello everyone! I'm posting here to simply ask for feedback. I realize it takes a moment to do so, but PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!! *on my knees begging* I just want to know what people think. I do realize that a lot of people read and don't vote (votes are also appreciated, tho not expected) but if you like it, say so and why! if you think it sucks or is needs work, say so and why! i won't be offended, well maybe just a smidge, and i promise i won't yell.


Again, me begging...please send some feedback!

Thanks to everyone who might
ME -
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=258494

 

[HomerPindar]

Ok, but only because I'm a sucker for a lady on her knees...

(that, and I really don't feel like working on my soc paper at the moment )

But, your link leads to your profile, and not to a specific poem. Hmm, fine, I'll pick the new poem off your list and take a poke at that. (yes, I do feel in a PUNishing mood, )

A Demonstration
by firegoddess76 ©
Monster cock in all

drop the word cock, IMnsHO it works much better

It’s magnificence

ITS - no Apostrophe! (see perks claws thread

Pummels my lips
Batters my throat

Hands in my hair
Guiding, pushing, pulling
Forcing my mouth
To exact specifications

Not too sure how I feel about that last line. It seems out of place with the other lines, but it's a great use of "tool" in so many ways. It's a concept to keep and work out, but I'm not sure you're making the most of it. Then again, maybe it's just me who needs the work

Harder, slower
Hips thrust
As my lips
begin to bleed

Tears form
Roll down to mix
With precum
and slick saliva


Shove deep
Then back away
A chance for me
To breathe

Say it!
Fuck my mouth
and
Yes Master
and
Cum in my mouth…Please

Speed increases
Depth becomes less

awkward line there...and playing with shallowness in sex and relationships here would offer you an oppertunity to add an extra layer to the whole. While sex at the moment is all about the moment, sex in a poem can be a lot of different things layered one on top of the other.

Pulling hair and head
Peaking, panting, moans

Warmth, primal taste
Spills on my tongue
i swallow once,

I was going to pass on the comment about randomly switching from capitals to lower case when starting a line - I found it distracting, but also figured I'd be really nit-picking you to mention it - but here you have "i" which really should be I (unless your poem is playing with language and I don't see that here). Proof read, put it aside, come back the next day, and proof it again. You have it the way you want it in your head, so your eyes are easily fooled into thinking you have it right on paper (or on the screen).

Twice,Thrice

You walk away
And say
Now THAT
Was usage



Thanks for reading! Please vote or send feedback or BOTH! See my other submissions and lemme know what Y/you all think

I'd recommend dropping the commentary at the end, it's voice is so totally different from the poem that it's distracting from what was just read.

On a whole, I've come to the conclusion that erotic poetry is a greater challenge than, say, romantic poetry, or "how I'm feeling today" poem. There are too many pitfalls that can make a poem about sex sound cliched, or too simple. (yeah, that does sound kinda harsh, but then I too was writing a lot of erotic poetry at one point )

One suggestion I already gave, add more to the relationship through the poem. Draw paralles between sex and the office, house work, you're time together - yeah ok, so the single guy not getting any might be bad one to ask for advice on this subject

Another suggestion often seen here on the forum, eliminate words. Try this reading of the poem:

Monster in
magnificent
pummel lips, batter throat

Hands force, guide, wrench
work my head
to exact specifications

harder
hips thrust
slower
lips bleed
pumping
tears mix
forcing
cum and saliva

shove deep and
out

gasp

Suck it!
in faster
pump
pull hair
thrust
taste
swallow
Yes master!

And as you walk away
you calmly say
now that was usage.

-----
pacing with the words can be used to reflect pacing with the action, shorter lines, quicker verbs (avoid cliche's, "fuck" being overused to a weakening effect in poetry) will give you faster action.

Hope this was of some help, and hence keeps you writing

HomerPindar

 

[firegoddess76]

Thank you

Thank you for taking a break from your paper to hand me some good advice Absolutely I agree..well mostly anyway

drop the word cock, IMnsHO it works much better

I'm not really sure what IMnsHO means? HELP! lol. new to all this so please bear w/me! Thanks again and get back to work! LOLOL

 

[firegoddess76]

Thank you

Thank you for taking a break from your paper to hand me some good advice Absolutely I agree..well mostly anyway

drop the word cock, IMnsHO it works much better

I'm not really sure what IMnsHO means? HELP! lol. new to all this so please bear w/me! Thanks again and get back to work! LOLOL

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Thank you

Thank you for taking a break from your paper to hand me some good advice Absolutely I agree..well mostly anyway I'm not really sure what IMnsHO means? HELP! lol. new to all this so please bear w/me! Thanks again and get back to work! LOLOL

Grin, sorry, it's "old school" for "In My not so Humble Opinion" = IMnsHO.

HomerPindar

 

[firegoddess76]

I get it now!

Thanks! I appreciate your time and feedback. I like your version, I do! It's not really me tho. I tend to be a wordy person. Sometimes not a great thing, but i write that way too. I have other stuff that isn't so wordy too. Certainly the idea of the words keeping the pace is a great one. Perhaps i shall revamp and repost. Or write a similar, but altogether different experience! LOL OK, Now for everyone else - feedback! Vote! something, anything! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Pretty please with anything you want on top? C'mon people, I'm on my knees begging here!!!!!! Thanks in advance

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: I get it now!

Thanks! I appreciate your time and feedback. I like your version, I do! It's not really me tho. I tend to be a wordy person. Sometimes not a great thing, but i write that way too. I have other stuff that isn't so wordy too. Certainly the idea of the words keeping the pace is a great one. Perhaps i shall revamp and repost. Or write a similar, but altogether different experience! LOL OK, Now for everyone else - feedback! Vote! something, anything! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Pretty please with anything you want on top? C'mon people, I'm on my knees begging here!!!!!! Thanks in advance

Woohoo, I kept her on her knees begging for more!!



All that and it's been a week...damn I'm good

HomerPindar

 

[thunderf64]

Feed back

Hi,

I am assumign your askign for opions on the poem "A Demondtration"

I like it. But one thing I found distracting was the shift from short stacka standas to almost sentenc elike standas. (sorry my brsin is dead and my spelling is worse)
Short stacata portion.

Harder, slower
Hips thrust
As my lips
begin to bleed

Sentence like

Shove deep
Then back away
A chance for me
To breathe

Go with one or the other, not both. Unless you are workign that into your flow,

stacata
stacata
sentence

stacata
stacata
sentence

Other than that i really liekd it. Keep up the good work

 

[firegoddess76]

Thanks guys!

Thank you fellas for posting! I do appreciate the interest! As for you HP - you are ornery! But that's a good thing! And thunder, i was looking for feedback about any of them, whatever you like! Thanks again and i'm still on my knees!!!!!!!!

 

[firegoddess76]

new posts

Ok people! !3 new posts pending as we speak! Please do me the honor of checking them out and voting/feedback, something, anything!!! Happy New Year to You all!!!!

 

[Angeline]

Woohoo, I kept her on her knees begging for more!!



All that and it's been a week...damn I'm good

HomerPindar

you're so sexy when you're humble. lol.

 

[HomerPindar]

you're so sexy when you're humble. lol.

hahahahahahaha

It's a gift

HomerPindar

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: new posts

Ok people! !3 new posts pending as we speak! Please do me the honor of checking them out and voting/feedback, something, anything!!! Happy New Year to You all!!!!

See, I thought that was a 3, with the ! being a typo after the "people!" but...nooooooo, you gotta go and get prolific on our arses



Ok ok, let's see...I don't just want to take the first one, need something random - aha! You only have one on the 28th, so that's a good pick then

Strong emotional content in Wearing Thing and certainly none of the simple rhyming scheme

in parts only
Lies and lies and lies again
More untruths for me to swallow
Only love I crave
That which you do not offer

This almost has the double meaning being "lies" and "laid," as well as "swallow" relating to oral sex, but I'm not certain it's intended so I don't know if it's intentional or I'm reading into it

Kink and lust
The name of your game
I gave you what you crave
Do you reciprocate
I think not

ok, "I think not" didn't work for me, and I think it's because it's such a short metered line compared to the rest. Then again, maybe that's more effective and one reading isn't enough.

Wanting more
I wait patiently
Forgiving your trespasses
Against me

great potential for religious significance in those last two lines.

And,having poked into the others, I like the develoment of the poetry. Course, you might want a second opinion

HomerPindar

 

[firegoddess76]

Yeehaw!!!

Well thank you everyone for the feedback and public comments too! I must tell you that a lot of what i submitted over the weekend was stuff i had written over the last 3 yrs and not so recently. I had some serious inspiration and went with it! Now working on a story that i hope to have up in a cpl of days! Keep the feedback coming and i'll do the same

A special big ole thank you to Homer Pindar!!! I appreciate your consistency and sweetness.....and in case you are wondering...yes i'm STILL on my knees!

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Yeehaw!!!

A special big ole thank you to Homer Pindar!!! I appreciate your consistency and sweetness.....and in case you are wondering...yes i'm STILL on my knees!

I better get you some pillows

HomerPindar

 

[firegoddess76]

addicted!

it's official! i'm addicted to LIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lit lovers everywhere, unite! I'm going to write an Ode to lit!!!!!

 

[beachwalker969]

Feedback

OK, OK, OK... I can stand a pretty woman on her knees for only so long! Here are some comments on "Only:"

(English is my second language and I'm a poetry neophyte, so please bear with stupid wording.)

I definitely liked the pacing of the action created by the number of syllables used - the speeding up from the monosyllables in the middle was almost palpable. Great expression!

But the rhythm of second last grouping (sorry, don't know the English word) loses that a little with

Inspire (2)
Stimulate (3)
Stir (1)
Arouse (2)

Since rhyming isn't your goal, perhaps you could reconsider the sequence or even choice of words.

Just a thought... FWIW (For what it's worth)

Beach

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Feedback

But the rhythm of second last grouping (sorry, don't know the English word) loses that a little with

the word you're looking for is "stanza," not "grouping"

And, neophytes don't use words like neophyte
So, as you've in the thick of us now, check out IcingSugar's thread on language.

HomerPindar

 

[beachwalker969]

Thanks, Homer

A new day, another lesson learned

Beach

 

[firegoddess76]

feedback!!!

Hey thanks guys! Beach, don't worry about wording so much and Homer, thanks for always being there to lend a helping word! BTW, in case you missed it on the new poems thread, i got feedback from a visitor who said she found Lit after seeing a segment on techtv about it!!!! how cool is that! Here's hoping for more traffic and votes/feedback/public comments!

Also I am _still_ working on my ghost poem....needed to see how this New years eve turned out, and so far my superstitions haven't been confirmed!!!

Happy New Year to everyone and keep up the wonderful writing!!!!

 

[thunderf64]

Ghost poem

I threw on together. Not any polish to it. But You can go see mine there.

Lets see what you;ve got!

NO I meant the poem, but you don;t have to put that backon *EG*

 

[firegoddess76]

Ornery

Fire at will! Throw some more out there while u r at it!! Oh, and about putting it back on? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't!

 

[freddyandeddy]

I'll only add 2 cents, as I don't want to rehash most of what's already been said. I agree with most of the criticism so far, especially the comments on how hard it is to write poetry on sex without reducing them down to cliche's and downright beaten territory. However - puntuation aside - you've got some good work going here and I only wish your endings were better. Ending any poem/stanza with the words "exact specifications" better be the best darn thing I've ever read, as this is not a poetic sounding word by any stretch. How about "To inhale his cum/semen?" Anyway, keep at it!