Yet another new author!

lexloci

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Jul 27, 2011
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Yup, another new author. And one that perhaps writes stories that are a little too vanilla for most here, but as this is my first story to be published I would love to hear any feedback on it to see how I may improve future endeavours. All criticism is welcome, provided it's at least a little constructive ;)

Fairly short read, under 7000 words. Oh and it has some foot fetishism in it should that be a problem for anyone.

Anyways, please feel free to read away:

https://www.literotica.com/s/office-legs

Thanks, Lex.
 
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I only skimmed the story, but I will point out that when you are using dialogue it needs to be it’s own paragraph even if it is only a word or two and separate from the narrative sections.

Another note, not really major, but there’s no need to use Rick’s name over and over in the story if it’s just him. Make use of pronouns (ie. He, Him, She, etc.). The reader will fill in the blanks and know who you are referring to. 🌹Kant👠👠👠
 
I only skimmed the story, but I will point out that when you are using dialogue it needs to be it’s own paragraph even if it is only a word or two and separate from the narrative sections.

I don't agree. I think a paragraph like this works just fine.

"What's the problem?" he asked, turning to Tina. She was somewhat older them either himself or Jessica, hair greyed, laughter lines clear upon her face up close like this. But there was always a playfulness to her hazel eyes and she could certainly hold her own when the office banter turned adult, as it invariable did when Rick was involved. She peered at him over her half moon spectacles.

I do that every now and then. Seems more a style thing to me than an iron clad rule.

It does contribute to the story being a little too "wall of text" though.
 
I don't agree. I think a paragraph like this works just fine.

I do that every now and then. Seems more a style thing to me than an iron clad rule.

It does contribute to the story being a little too "wall of text" though.

I'd para break after 'Tina' - the first bit's dialogue, the second, longer part is description. If you're looking for a place to break a longer block of text, that is.

It is a bit of a style thing, I agree - single para, single idea. White space though, on small screens, is reader friendly and easy to do. Two returns at the right place is easy on the eye, easy on the brain.
 
I'd para break after 'Tina' - the first bit's dialogue, the second, longer part is description. If you're looking for a place to break a longer block of text, that is.

It is a bit of a style thing, I agree - single para, single idea. White space though, on small screens, is reader friendly and easy to do. Two returns at the right place is easy on the eye, easy on the brain.

Maybe not a great example. To not pick on the OP, here's an example from my own writing.

"Okay. Well, I'll see you Saturday."

"I'll look forward to it." He slipped his phone in his shirt pocket and pulled himself to his feet. He felt a twinge of pain in his back and smiled at the memory of the massage Mary had given him after he'd installed her air conditioner.

The way I think of it, he ends the phone conversation, he puts the phone away. The two things go together. Is that considered wrong?
 
Maybe not a great example. To not pick on the OP, here's an example from my own writing.

The way I think of it, he ends the phone conversation, he puts the phone away. The two things go together. Is that considered wrong?

Never said "wrong", and yes, it's a style thing. In your example, you could do either - I'm not sure what I'd do - I think I'd guide myself by the overall flow of the longer sequence.

I find myself puzzling over this kind of thing constantly, and I don't apply any hard and fast rule. I tend to err on the side of separating the straight conversation paras from any surrounding descriptive text - unless the descriptive text is specific to a nuance in the dialogue itself.

To comment, is to be commented on; so this just written is my example:

"What the fuck has Fleming got down there?" Jonah looked across at Flight, fear in his eyes. "I don't want to see the rest, just tell me."

"Okay." Flight had analysed these images so many times, examined the experts' cold hard facts over and over; but he still had to decouple every image of the tiny Fleming that was ever in his brain - her wry smile, that sparkle in her eye every time she got one over on him (which was often), the way she damn near broke his back every time she hugged him, Fleming's heart the size of a mountain.

"We speculate..." Flight cleared his throat and began again, "we speculate, that Fleming and this thing, whatever is, are interacting. We don't know how or why. The remaining four images, captured over the last ten months, all show the same. The capsule remains as is, the tent way to the main hatch was at some point repaired. The path from the end of the tent to the cleared ground is now well worn. We are convinced this is Fleming, deploying regularly and going within the boundaries of the clear space. There is some ground evidence of something bigger moving the other way, towards the capsule, into the tent."

Flight paused, looking at Jonah for confirmation to go on. Jonah nodded, he had to know what to expect.

OP, sorry, we didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'll go,away and read your whole piece.
 
Yup, another new author. And one that perhaps writes stories that are a little too vanilla for most here, but as this is my first story to be published I would love to hear any feedback on it to see how I may improve future endeavours.

Who doesn't love vanilla.

Vanilla essential oil has proved to be an effective mood lifter, courtesy of its rich, yet unobtrusive scent. Vanillin-rich oil also works in the bedroom as an aphrodisiac . . . The oil works to stimulate secretions of human hormones to help promote arousal.

You're a very good writer, and this story is certainly in the top quartile of stories I've read on this site. It's fun and sexy and should get a decent score. You've got a fine eye for detail, and a real talent for describing sensual particulars.

The story has a nice story line too, at once a fantasy---yeah, right, like that's going to happen---and recognizably realistic---but that's exactly the way it would if it did. Her playful calf, his peek up her skirt, the encounter in the storeroom, the playful texts, the clock seeming to run backwards, his aching blue balls. I loved the way you subtitled each section, as if they were episodes of an epic drama. Not a lot of emotional depth to the character's relationship, but that's not exactly what they were aiming at.

The only thing I can really fault you on is not taking a final editing pass before sending it off. "which met the skirt perfectly in length when stood up crept up," "drew up to too," "He past most of the rest of the staff on the way," a few more. They stand out since everything else is so well polished. You've got to be your own editor around here, and a highly competent writer deserves a careful, proficient one.

So I don't think anyone around here can really provide you any magic formula for improving your future endeavors. (And if anyone tries, you should probably take it with a grain of salt.) Like the rest of us you'll just have to listen the comments your stories receive, although you'll often be disappointed by their paucity and their shallowness. Talk shop here on the forums---you're as qualified to offer advice as to ask for it. Read other authors and critics, here and elsewhere. Most of all, listen to your muse and your inner voice. And keep writing.

P.S. As far as quoting dialog, I'd agree with Melissa.
 
OP, sorry, we didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'll go,away and read your whole piece.

Which I did, a nice, playful read. You've got some punctuation things to improve, commas in dialogue, an ellipsis is...three dots, not two, some missing capital letters here and there, but it all flowed along nicely, so I overlooked the glitches (all you need is a tighter edit).

The obsessive detail was good, there's a collection of fetishes going on here, feet, all the details of the clothing, the almost revealing movements. Your characterisation was good too, I got a sense of their personalities. Nice one!
 
Wow, great responses, and happy to have the thread take a tangent onto stylistic merits of various approaches, since it applies to my work. :)

I originally had the story rejected to the 'wall of text' thing. I read a lot of heavy fantasy works so I'm used to that style and so didn't pick up on how off putting it can be. I did a re-edit to break a lot of it up, but clearly I need to have that stuff in mind when I am writing so it all comes together better.

Personally I send stories to my Kindle to read rather than reading them on a 'display' so perhaps I am less sensitive to the needs of those using phones, tablets or their PCs. Certainly something to work on!

Stylistically I do tend to go for leaving spoken words in the paragraphs, so long as it's a single voice. But I will take on board the thoughts here and try to be a little more reader friendly, since I don;t think breaking them up would offend those who don't see a problem with it. Less barriers to entry is almost always a good idea.

As for being my own Editor, yup. I really suck at that. Knowing grammatical rules and following them are two very different things ;) I've picked up on a few typos and stuff since I published myself, and now I have a few more from this thread.

All in all, thank you all very much! Great insights, and thanks for being so positive about my work. I will have to get back to writing some more! Oh and reading some more, and giving feedback.

Lex.
 
I don't agree. I think a paragraph like this works just fine.



I do that every now and then. Seems more a style thing to me than an iron clad rule.

It does contribute to the story being a little too "wall of text" though.

I agree with you but when I do this, I try for a short paragraph.
 
Never said "wrong", and yes, it's a style thing. In your example, you could do either - I'm not sure what I'd do - I think I'd guide myself by the overall flow of the longer sequence.

I find myself puzzling over this kind of thing constantly, and I don't apply any hard and fast rule. I tend to err on the side of separating the straight conversation paras from any surrounding descriptive text - unless the descriptive text is specific to a nuance in the dialogue itself.

To comment, is to be commented on; so this just written is my example:



OP, sorry, we didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'll go,away and read your whole piece.

Thank you, I always appreciate the advice of more experienced writers.

To the OP, yes, sorry for the hijack.
 
Wow, great responses, and happy to have the thread take a tangent onto stylistic merits of various approaches, since it applies to my work. :)

I originally had the story rejected to the 'wall of text' thing. I read a lot of heavy fantasy works so I'm used to that style and so didn't pick up on how off putting it can be. I did a re-edit to break a lot of it up, but clearly I need to have that stuff in mind when I am writing so it all comes together better.

Personally I send stories to my Kindle to read rather than reading them on a 'display' so perhaps I am less sensitive to the needs of those using phones, tablets or their PCs. Certainly something to work on!

Stylistically I do tend to go for leaving spoken words in the paragraphs, so long as it's a single voice. But I will take on board the thoughts here and try to be a little more reader friendly, since I don;t think breaking them up would offend those who don't see a problem with it. Less barriers to entry is almost always a good idea.

As for being my own Editor, yup. I really suck at that. Knowing grammatical rules and following them are two very different things ;) I've picked up on a few typos and stuff since I published myself, and now I have a few more from this thread.

All in all, thank you all very much! Great insights, and thanks for being so positive about my work. I will have to get back to writing some more! Oh and reading some more, and giving feedback.

Lex.

My first submission was rejected for atrocious punctuation. I found this essay to be extremely helpful.

How To Punctuate Like A Pro.

You are off to a good start. Good luck!
 
Who doesn't love vanilla.

You're a very good writer, and this story is certainly in the top quartile of stories I've read on this site. It's fun and sexy and should get a decent score. You've got a fine eye for detail, and a real talent for describing sensual particulars.
From what I've seen so far, I have to agree - looks very good :)
(must finish reading it :))


...

The only thing I can really fault you on is not taking a final editing pass before sending it off. "which met the skirt perfectly in length when stood up crept up," "drew up to too," "He past most of the rest of the staff on the way," a few more. They stand out since everything else is so well polished. You've got to be your own editor around here, and a highly competent writer deserves a careful, proficient one.
I think we all suffer that. So many times I've read and re-read a draft and still missed errors that show up after publication.
(aside - maybe we need a consortium of 'proof readers? - lol ;))


...

P.S. As far as quoting dialog, I'd agree with Melissa.

PPS. ... and as far as separating dialogue from a block of descriptive prose, I agree that it's a personal thing. I often 'fail' to do that. I feel that it's a case of striking a balance between large unwieldy blocks of text, and page upon page of two or three word 'paragraphs'.

The rule (as I understand it) is there should be only one 'speaker' per paragraph, but even then there can be exceptions (an example of which I can't recall at present - but give me time ;))
 
This is a tough story to provide feedback on. I'm not a Fetish reader so I don't know if my typical critics apply to this story. You've got a great rating for a first story, so you probably know what Fetish readers are looking for more than I do.

But here it goes: when I write a story, I look to have an interesting first scene and I try to get to dialog between the two main characters as quickly as possible. You're Part I doesn't have a single line of dialog. Nothing of note happens in Part I. It's mostly Rick sitting at his desk, checking out Jessica. Without dialog, it very much had a "wall of text" look when I first pulled it up. Your paragraphs didn't seem overly long as I read them, but without any dialogue it's big paragraph after big paragraph.

Another problem is that there's lots of physical description of Jessica, but no description of Jessica as a person. She's physically attractive, but would I like her as a person?

So how would I write this differently? I'd definitely put in some dialogue in the first part. Either have Rick banter with an office mate as he secretly checks out Jessica, or have Jessica stop and briefly chat with a few people on her way to Tina with Rick secretly checking her out the whole time.
 
PPS. ... and as far as separating dialogue from a block of descriptive prose, I agree that it's a personal thing. I often 'fail' to do that. I feel that it's a case of striking a balance between large unwieldy blocks of text, and page upon page of two or three word 'paragraphs'.

The rule (as I understand it) is there should be only one 'speaker' per paragraph, but even then there can be exceptions (an example of which I can't recall at present - but give me time ;))

Thanks! Yeah, sounding like it's a styling thing with the multiple speeches per paragraph. I'll have to have a play and see if I can manage to produce something more 'readable' or if it's just going to be a feature of my writing style.
 
This is a tough story to provide feedback on. I'm not a Fetish reader so I don't know if my typical critics apply to this story. You've got a great rating for a first story, so you probably know what Fetish readers are looking for more than I do.

But here it goes: when I write a story, I look to have an interesting first scene and I try to get to dialog between the two main characters as quickly as possible. You're Part I doesn't have a single line of dialog. Nothing of note happens in Part I. It's mostly Rick sitting at his desk, checking out Jessica. Without dialog, it very much had a "wall of text" look when I first pulled it up. Your paragraphs didn't seem overly long as I read them, but without any dialogue it's big paragraph after big paragraph.

Another problem is that there's lots of physical description of Jessica, but no description of Jessica as a person. She's physically attractive, but would I like her as a person?

So how would I write this differently? I'd definitely put in some dialogue in the first part. Either have Rick banter with an office mate as he secretly checks out Jessica, or have Jessica stop and briefly chat with a few people on her way to Tina with Rick secretly checking her out the whole time.

Some very good points. I can certainly see what you mean. This was my first try at writing something purely for the erotic angle, so maybe I swayed too far from creating more three dimensional characters. I was also trying to keep the story short as I do have a tendency to ramble, and I wanted to be sure I got a lot of sexy details in so as to hold the reader. I can imagine if you are not into the things I'm spending my time describing that would wear thin.

Something for me to think about as I move forward certainly. Thank you very much :)
 
Maybe not a great example. To not pick on the OP, here's an example from my own writing.



The way I think of it, he ends the phone conversation, he puts the phone away. The two things go together. Is that considered wrong?

No, it's not wrong. I think there are two considerations: One, how closely the narrative is connected to the dialogue that proceeds it. If it helps clarify or describes something directly related to the piece of dialog, there's nothing wrong with putting it in the same paragraph. I do what you did in your example a lot, but I also make sure my stories also have lines that consist only of short snippets of dialog.

The other consideration is how the paragraphs look in general. If the story has lots of long paragraphs, then it's better to break it up to make it more visually appealing and easier to read.
 
So I don't think anyone around here can really provide you any magic formula for improving your future endeavors.

Watch me.

If we were to storyboard Office Legs, it would look like this.

Woman hits on man.
Man and woman have sex.
Apply fetish liberally.

That's it. Realistically, this is your story. Sure, no one can criticise it because there's nothing to it. The only thing we can do is criticise you for leaving out the complexity.

Every story on Lit can be boiled down to "The penis entered the vagina, and it was good" or whatever flavor orientation fits the bill. Some stories don't build on that very much (they're referred to as strokers), and while there's nothing wrong with that there's also nothing to it.

A stroker is empty. Devoid of motivation, character depth, growth, and interest. They might get the job done, and if that's all you want to create then by god do so. You do you, boo.

Just don't ask for criticism.
 
Watch me.

If we were to storyboard Office Legs, it would look like this.

Woman hits on man.
Man and woman have sex.
Apply fetish liberally.

That's it. Realistically, this is your story. Sure, no one can criticise it because there's nothing to it. The only thing we can do is criticise you for leaving out the complexity.

Every story on Lit can be boiled down to "The penis entered the vagina, and it was good" or whatever flavor orientation fits the bill. Some stories don't build on that very much (they're referred to as strokers), and while there's nothing wrong with that there's also nothing to it.

A stroker is empty. Devoid of motivation, character depth, growth, and interest. They might get the job done, and if that's all you want to create then by god do so. You do you, boo.

Just don't ask for criticism.

Well that certainly ties into others suggestions about the lack of characterisation. I'm not sure that leaves you with nothing at all to critique, but thanks for taking the time. :)
 
So I don't think anyone around here can really provide you any magic formula for improving your future endeavors.

Watch me.

(And if anyone tries, you should probably take it with a grain of salt.)

A stroker is empty. Devoid of motivation, character depth, growth, and interest.

Come on. I take it you've never been a twenty-something guy scrunched down in his office chair to get a better look at a nubile colleague bending over the adjacent desk. The motivation is pretty powerful, the interest pretty overwhelming. Growth can wait.

If that's all you want to create then by god do so. Just don't ask for criticism.

Come on. If there's any place (and audience) for that kind of writing, it's a site like this. And even if some of us "experienced literary gurus" are too highbrow to write those kind of stories ourselves, that doesn't mean we can't appreciate them and give a nod to an able practitioner. And where else is he going to come to talk craft?

There's a place for serious stories with depth and growth and substantive signification, but there's also a place for delightful little vignettes that depict the events of an afternoon at the office that veers crazily out of control. The depth is in the imagination of the author, the way he captures so accurately the playful twenty-something sexual tension in the cubicles, the way he depicts so self-deprecatingly the scooting around in the roller chair, the way he imagines so compellingly how even such an overpowering office lust as that engendered by Jennifer's new, black, ankle-strapped, toe-revealing shoes might be so unexpectedly, unequivocally, unbelievably un-unrequited.

Every story on Lit can be boiled down . . .

Come on. Everything can be boiled down, but it denatures the protein. Try some kraut, some slaw with ginger tahini dressing, some one-pot braised cabbage with bacon. Kind of tasty, isn't it? :)
 
... there's also a place for delightful little vignettes that depict the events of an afternoon at the office that veers crazily out of control. The depth is in the imagination of the author, the way he captures so accurately the playful twenty-something sexual tension in the cubicles, the way he depicts so self-deprecatingly the scooting around in the roller chair, the way he imagines so compellingly how even such an overpowering office lust as that engendered by Jennifer's new, black, ankle-strapped, toe-revealing shoes might be so unexpectedly, unequivocally, unbelievably un-unrequited.

Abso-bloody-lutely!!

This is EXACTLY how the Adam and Amanda section of my Floating World story started - a closely observed gorgeous young thing, and a fantasy triggered.

MD thinks everything has to be fully fleshed out as a story with plot and beat and blocking. Nooooo. Sometimes it really is as simple as, "oh my god, look at that taut thigh under that tight skirt," THAT is pure sex, and all there is in the world at that precise moment.

Maybe it's a male gaze thing, because, sometimes, that band of flesh really is all that matters. Bring it on!
 
Come on. I take it you've never been a twenty-something guy scrunched down in his office chair to get a better look at a nubile colleague bending over the adjacent desk. The motivation is pretty powerful, the interest pretty overwhelming. Growth can wait.

While the specifics of your suggestion do not apply to me, you would be wrong to think that women don't have similar reactions to various visual stimuli.

Come on. If there's any place (and audience) for that kind of writing, it's a site like this. And even if some of us "experienced literary gurus" are too highbrow to write those kind of stories ourselves, that doesn't mean we can't appreciate them and give a nod to an able practitioner. And where else is he going to come to talk craft?

Speak for yourself. I have 650k words submitted to Lit that are pretty complex stories, but I also have over 400k words worth of short, plot-less sex scenes that aren't submitted anywhere. I write those for myself, but I can also be honest with myself that they're lacking in certain areas.

There's a place for serious stories with depth and growth and substantive signification, but there's also a place for delightful little vignettes that depict the events of an afternoon at the office that veers crazily out of control. The depth is in the imagination of the author, the way he captures so accurately the playful twenty-something sexual tension in the cubicles, the way he depicts so self-deprecatingly the scooting around in the roller chair, the way he imagines so compellingly how even such an overpowering office lust as that engendered by Jennifer's new, black, ankle-strapped, toe-revealing shoes might be so unexpectedly, unequivocally, unbelievably un-unrequited.

Although you're not wrong here, you've also blown your entire metaphorical load in terms of 'things the author did right in setting up his story' on two subjects. One sentence-worth of praise might make this author feel good for a minute, but it is paltry in the larger sense.

You have given them a fish. I'm trying to teach them how to fish.

Come on. Everything can be boiled down, but it denatures the protein. Try some kraut, some slaw with ginger tahini dressing, some one-pot braised cabbage with bacon. Kind of tasty, isn't it? :)

It's ironic that here, you are arguing for variety (and by its very nature, complexity) after all that needless defense of the simplistic stroker.
 
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MD thinks everything has to be fully fleshed out as a story with plot and beat and blocking. Nooooo. Sometimes it really is as simple as, "oh my god, look at that taut thigh under that tight skirt," THAT is pure sex, and all there is in the world at that precise moment.

I do not talk to hear myself talk. I do not give out left-handed compliments. When I say there's nothing wrong with a stroker, I mean it. That wasn't shade. It's just blunt.

I am a leg woman. I understand the allure of the gaze, even if the shoe part of it does nothing for me. I understand seeing and fantasizing. As a stroker, this story works, but that is the only way it works.

I've written stories under 7000 words with two sex scenes and a lot more plot, and the big difference is that the story was going somewhere. There was an urgency. There was pacing. These things can be done, but only if the author wants to do that.

Slapping everyone on the back and handing out participation trophies isn't my style. #sorrynotsorry
 
Every story on Lit can be boiled down to "The penis entered the vagina, and it was good" or whatever flavor orientation fits the bill. Some stories don't build on that very much (they're referred to as strokers), and while there's nothing wrong with that there's also nothing to it.

A stroker is empty. Devoid of motivation, character depth, growth, and interest. They might get the job done, and if that's all you want to create then by god do so. You do you, boo.

Just don't ask for criticism.
Some strokers are much, much better than others. My favorite stroker is The Optocynic 5000. The plot is very simple - son gets a camera, Mom comes home, he convinces her to let me take some pictures, she does sexier and sexier poses, and they wind up fucking. What makes the story work for me is the dialog and the narrator thinking through what's happening. There's a definite chemistry between the son and the mom and by the end of the story, we want him to fuck her.

When Jessica starts pressing her body against Rick, there hasn't been a word spoken between them. We have no idea of Jessica's personality. We don't have any reason for why on this particular day Jessica would suddenly aggressively touch Rick in such a suggestive way.
 
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