Yet another new author seeking feedback....

[Modernmenelaus]

I've recently submitted my first story to the site and was hoping for constructive feedback to help improve future submissions. Unfortunately, the story's in the "Loving Wives" genre, and there's been what I now gather is an inevitable flurry of "noise" from those who dislike the subject matter. That's added to the problem that actual critiques seems few and far between.

So, if it's not too much of an imposition, I'd be extremely grateful for any advice that those who've actually written could offer. I'll warn in advance that the story is quite long (about 16,000 words - I've another 60,000 or so in development), and there's a formatting problem awaiting posting of a revised version. The latter has caused problems with the formation of paragraphs in part of the story - the corrected version's been submitted, and is awaiting the editors action.

The story is here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=455654

all contributions awaited with anticipation!

 

[Existencialisticism]

The story for me started off very slowly and seemed to drag on too long in the beginning.

I also found that I learned of the main characters thoughts in some kind of past tense rather than knowing what she was thinking in the moment. Though later on the reader does know what 'she' is thinking in the present which seems much better.

It's just that(in the beginning) one is getting to know the main character in the first stages of the story as though she has been interviewed at some time in the past and her thoughts are being relayed by the author as such.

At times the narrative seemed to be switching between the third person and the first person perspective. It may have been better if the main character was telling the story herself from beginning to end. But don't assume I am any literary expert either.

It may well have been better too, in lieu of the aforementioned, if you'd said something like what 'she' was thinking at the time, ie "I wonder what hubby will think of this, and Jesus...I just can't go through with this," she thought, "am I crazy...no, I want it...I must do it..."

As you mentioned, the formatting messed up on the 4th page - a very long paragragh - but you know that.

All criticism aside, I enjoyed the story and it did arouse me. It gave some insight into how a women feels on the prowl. More than that, the story seemed believable which is of the essense. It could very well have been based upon an actual experience. Well done.

I'm sure it is a work in progress too, and I'd have personally liked for the main sexual conduct to have been more explicit. But just as personal preference obviously. Toward the end, I was hoping that 'she' would have ended up being taken more ravenously - like she was being overwhelmed and consumed, but unable to resist his hunger and lust and animalistic abandon. For she was always in control - or so it seemed. Perhaps there might have been a part where she began to wonder if he would ever stop...if he would, or could, tame his increasingly desperate desire which relentlessly unleashed an almost 'too great a pounding'; such that she began to again re-visit her thoughts of uncertainty, and feelings of trepidation about the entire episode while he fucked her without restraint nor acknowledgement of her own sense of what was reasonable and within the bounds of what she considered decent, or tollerable almost.

Perhaps too, oweing to the idea that she, in a sense, wished to be fucked as a whore, or a slut - to put aside all her lady-like marriage orientated mediocrity and otherwise vanilla sex with her husband - she might have been shocked further when he(the man she picked up) began to explore the idea of anal sex with her. Like such an act would be ultimatly submisive for her...that she'd have felt disgusted and even mildly fearful, but since she'd come that far, would relinquish all control and allow herself to be taken in a way which was typically totally at odds with her ussual sensibilities.

Maybe then, she have initially resisted, but feeling so adventurous, and slutty, went along with it ambivalently at first...until she was surprised to realise that it wasn't at all as she might have imagined prior, but had begun to stimulate her like never before once she relaxed and....

Any way...twas a good story and you seem to have tallent, especially where the descriptive text is concerned. Again...well done.

 

[Modernmenelaus]

Existencialisticism,

first, many thanks for the comments. If I can reciprocate in any way that's helpful....

As to your specifics (and hoping this formatting doesn't go too awry)

"The story for me started off very slowly and seemed to drag on too long in the beginning."

I was deliberately trying to keep the pace measured, a slow build. Maybe I've overdone it!


I also found that I learned of the main characters thoughts in some kind of past tense rather than knowing what she was thinking in the moment. Though later on the reader does know what 'she' is thinking in the present which seems much better.

Again, deliberate - set in the moment, but with exploration of past events that had led her to that point.


It may have been better if the main character was telling the story herself from beginning to end

I really dislike the tendency on this site to write almost everything in the first person! I find it very limiting in terms of description and narrative.

It may well have been better too, in lieu of the aforementioned, if you'd said something like what 'she' was thinking at the time, ie "I wonder what hubby will think of this, and Jesus...I just can't go through with this," she thought, "am I crazy...no, I want it...I must do it..."

I think that's probably true. I'll attempt to incorporate in subsequent material.


For she was always in control - or so it seemed.

Quite true - and intentional. As you may have guessed, the character has it's roots in a couple of people I know in real life. "Rachael" reacts much as I'd imagine them doing. However, that control start to slip in later developments, in the subsequent phases....

If you're open to it, I'd like to share the plot synopsis for the following parts. Your advice would be much appreciated - if you contact me via private message, to give me some way to send you the material (I'd prefer not to publish it at quite such an early stage), I'll send a "word" doc.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi modernmenelaus

I think in your reply to Exist... (these names are getting longer), you miss something. Pacing is crucial to any story but for pages you don't engage in any real action - I don't mean sexual - to get us involved and although you say you don't like first person, your story is a virtual first person as you dwell on 'her' thoughts and don't develop any other characters.

There is a lot to be said for a 'slow burn' but, to be interesting to readers, you need to get us much more involved rather than reading a tedious confessional of her motives that isn't really credible to a reader.

Also, you don't change tempo when she is seducing her stud. Far too much is clinical and anatomical, rather than emotional, conversational and descriptive of senses. You sacrifice the use of senses such as taste and smell for a football game account that certainly leaves me cold.

Whilst you write very well, you need to have a better edit and, in general, your paragraphs are a bit too long for a backlit screen and you shouldn't put two people's dialogue in the same para.

It may be personal, but I hate numbers in fiction. Why do I want to know someone is 5 - 7 and have you any idea of what 32C means in Australia - even UK?

I have no problem with LW stories but I don't think you really explain why she needs to prove to herself that after marriage and childbirth she is still attractive to other men. To make this plausible you should dwell a bit on domestic action rather than the drawn out boring stuff at the conference.

Having been so negative, can I say I think you can do very well if you think more about the structure of your plot and moving the story forward rather than languishing in backward-looking 'thoughts'.