Yet another lesbian story by yours truly

[LaRascasse]

This one's different, I swear. I have tried the uniquely difficult combination of female first person present tense, all three of which are new to me.

Here's the link -> https://www.literotica.com/s/on-loving-a-flawed-creation

Any constructive critique or feedback is welcome on the plot, characters, setting, style anything worth commenting on.

I look forward to it

 

[ElectricBlue]

"Different, I swear..."

That's a masterful under statement, right there. I don't know what to say, frankly. Powerfully written but powerfully disturbing as well.... The writerly stuff certainly took a back seat to the sting in the tail.

 

[Areala-chan]

Read and commented. Damn...! That's all I'm gonna say.

 

[LaRascasse]

Thanks for the comments. How did the first person female come off?

Also, I intentionally left a few clues and dialogues which would read differently in light of the final reveal. Did they work?

 

[Areala-chan]

Thanks for the comments. How did the first person female come off?

Also, I intentionally left a few clues and dialogues which would read differently in light of the final reveal. Did they work?

IMO, it came off great. I checked your profile afterwards to see if you were a woman IRL, and was pleasantly surprised to see you were the rare breed of guy who can write women like actual people.

And yeah, a second read-through shows a LOT of stuff in a totally different light. You hit every note just right.

 

[Bramblethorn]

(spoilers below)

The first person worked fine and the present tense was OK for me.

I did guess the twist quite early, but not from details in the story. My thought process went something like:

- This is a LaRascasse story.
- Ergo, somebody is doing something extremely messed up. Who and what?
- Who: LR usually aims for Maximum Emotional Twist, so it's probably going to be the most sympathetic character in the story.

Knowing the "who", it was easier to figure out the "what". (Though I wasn't sure if it was MBP or just old-fashioned poisoning, and I didn't pick that Mia was in on it.)

Minor nitpick: a couple of places, you have "regiment" where I think you mean "regimen".

 

[LaRascasse]

(Though I wasn't sure if it was MBP or just old-fashioned poisoning, and I didn't pick that Mia was in on it.)

I'm counting this as a win.