Yeppers another newbie..

[Machiavellian]

Ok - so here I am - another one who just got a story placed here -
Please feel free to check it out.

My one page scene


Thanks in advance

 

[Singularity]

First-Story Feedback

First of all, I want to commend you on providing some feedback to another writer. There are many here who ask for help or feedback or praise, but who do not offer it to others in return (or "pay it forward" if you will).

Now then, on to your story.

My first overall comment is that you use dashes a lot, and probably too often for most people's taste. There are other ways of breaking up a thought. Many of the dashes I see here could just as easily be replaced with commas, to make it read more evenly.

Here is an example.

Saying nothing to her - he grabbed her neck pulled her deep into his space – kissing her passionately – opening her lips with his tongue – tightening his fingers around her neck as his warm lips devoured hers.

How about "Saying nothing to her, he grabbed her neck and pulled her deep into his space; kissing her passionately and opening her lips with his tongue while his fingers tightened around her neck as his warm lips devoured hers."

I used a comma, and a semicolon and an "and" and a "while" in place of the dashes.

I also saw a number of places where there was no punctuation where commas should be inserted to delineate the phrases.

The first sentence generates a lot of questions, too, with the way it is phrased.

He was standing there as she entered the room – walking over to her she could feel her heart in her chest – Anne had the same reaction as though she was in trouble.

Who was doing the walking - him or her? (Ooops, I used a dash!). And was Anne in trouble or not?

"Hi" she heard herself nervously say – not sure why he insisted she saw him after she got back from her offsite meeting.

And even though you are writing in past tense, I think the "saw" in the above sentence should be "see", as in:

I also struggled with her reaction to being grabbed and pulled into a deep passionate kiss by her boss. Having her mind "wander" is not the reaction I would have expected. Either she would have kicked him in the balls, or screamed or slapped him; or she would have reacted as surprised and shocked, yet with passion, if she had a reason for wanting him to do this.

I think, overall, it needs some polishing and some fleshing-out to put a bit more meat on the outline you created. Your term "one page scene" is an apt description. It is more of a scene than a story; and it needs some more development for what the characters are thinking, and why they are doing what they are engaged in, and how they feel about it.

Expand on it some and build on what you have started with, and it has the potential to become something much stronger.

And keep up with the feedback for your peers. Every reader's constructive feedback has value, whether you are James Joyce or Homer Simpson, or somewhere in the gray area in between with the rest of us.


Singularity

 

[Machiavellian]

Thanks for your input.
I'll keep that in mind, see I wanted to put more "-" in... the reason even though I know it's improper, it's how I talk, with just point '-' lol see I even catch myself doing it in replying

Thanks for pointing it out and the other feed back as well.