Yay... NEW Story Approved :)

[christabelll]

Enjoy!
And no its not Horror

Feedback is always welcome!


wow... I got an opening of H

A Slippery Silent Night

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks for the link, but you can make it a bit more sexy, like this;

A Slippery Silent Night

You write beautifully. With barely a fault, you paint a word tapestry and draw us in. I'm so pleased you've got your little pink square.

If you are going to write anything more substantial than your charming vignettes, you are going to need to consider plot and dialog. I still think, others may disagree,that you lose a lot by writing in first/second person. When I read you I stay on the outside but I'd rather be there in the thick of the action - so, I think, do many readers.

Enjoy your success, your writing deserves the praise it is getting. I always click to read a story you have posted.

 

[christabelll]

Thanks!

Hmm Interesting point. Most of my erotica is written in first/second person. Very little is written like "Transformation through Subjugation". Unless you include my short stories and book length stuff. I guess I could cull through them for the reallllllllly steamy stuff and make them into submissions for here.

I am totally psyched about this though! Gets my creative juices running, and helps me vent my frustration from my life in that department LOL....

Thank you very much for taking the time to write! I really do appreciate it very much!


ps: umm how do it do that thingie with the link?

 

[darkerdreamer]

ps: umm how do it do that thingie with the link?

Click the button that says "Insert Hyperlink" when posting a reply.

PS: A good read, indeed. No wonder you rock the 100 Words thread.

 

[christabelll]

Aww thanks High Praise indeed!
I like your writing too!!

And thanks... all fixed now

 

[Nasha]

Hi, christabell,

You've got a talent for playing with language and creating lovely imagery.

As with every piece of writing everywhere, there are a few instances where your phraseology and word choice could be polished up. For example:

A startled cry is wrested from my lips when your mouth descends; sucking in those distended and crimson pink lips.

The passive "a cry is wrested" would be more concise and impactful if reworded actively, such as

"Your mouth descends and wrests a cry from my lips."

Also, crimson is a nice, concrete color adjective. The "pink" is more vague, so it only dilutes the image, and is therefore just a superfluous word weighing down your sentence.

Those are nitpicky, but just offered as examples of how your lovely prose could be honed here and there.

The dialogue is spare, but what's there works, erotically--it's soft, in-keeping with the quiet of the scene, yet indicative of subtle control, which is quite hot, in this context.

I agree with Elfin that the character and plot aspects are thin, and writing in second person leaves me feeling shut out because I am thoroughly not the "you" of your story (and for one reason or another, inevitably, most of your readers won't be, either).

Overall, a sensuous and erotic little vignette.

-Nasha

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think Elfin is right. Your images are wonderful. The way you use the language is fantastic. But this isn't really a story. It's a scene from a story.

A story begins at (A) and through action ends up at (B). I don't mean that in a spacial sense, but in the sense of the plot taking the characters (and the reader) on a tour. Your characters haven't done anything, they have learned anything and they are the same characters they were when you started.

You need to think about what the story is trying to do. Is it just trying to turn on the reader or is it something more?

I think you are capable of taking that next step and jumping into a real story with living characters and a story line that will grab the reader and involve him too.

Still, it was a good read. You are doing quite well.

 

[christabelll]

Thanks everyone!
I get your points, and they make really good sense.
When I write my erotica it tends to be like landing in the middle of story, yes you are correct.
I am willing to try doing it a little differently.
Actually if I can ever find the time to post one of my older stories, it is a beginning middle and end one. When I had first started writing these kinds of things, my first critics were very harsh about my PLOT lines. saying they detracted from the meat and most wanted only meat, LOL.
So its finding a balance that will be my goal.
I think one of my current stories that I am working on will prove out to be more than just a "fucking" story LOLOL............................. (yes I used tooooooooo many!!!)

And yes, I have had some incredibly harsh critics say that my "prose" was out of place in this genre. I don't think so. Its how I write. Word Paintings. CJCheryhh is one of my most adored word painters. I want to use the language to convey all aspects of what is in my head. But again, I have no idea of what I am writing until well after it is on the page (screen). Going back is always a shock.

So yeah ... I will try to incorporate your tips and suggestions as I go... The positive and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism makes all the difference!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!

 

[christabelll]

awww


Lost my H rating


Oh well new stories on the way!

 

[Nasha]

awww

Lost my H rating

Honestly, I'd take the the enthusiastic public comments you have on that story over that red H, any day.

Yes, the red H is a nice little ego boost, and it's discouraging to lose it (or have a story never get it at all), but frankly, in my opinion, a lot of the highest voted stories are the worst-written. My guess is they merely pander more successfully to our often aesthetically-indifferent lower brain fuctions. That's a talent, in itself of course, but I suspect you're as interested in crafting good writing, and the public comments you've received indicate you're doing that well, and turning your readers on.

-Nasha

 

[christabelll]

yup yup
you are right
I have gotten AWEsome feedback on A slippery silent night and not all of it was posted here on in the comments.
Makes me feel like a girl on her first date LOL

It feels really good
hopefully I will find a reliable editor before my next story goes to post...