Yay! First story.

[Princess_Roflcopter]

Hello everybody.

I got my first story on Literotica, hooray. I'm sure there are a lot of people on these boards who want feedback on their first story and I'm afraid I'm one of them, but I'm happy just for you all to have a read too. It's here:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=226330

It's called 'Cinnamon and Ash' and it's in the Fantasy & Sci-Fi section. I suppose you could say it's got some bondage/non-consensual content but the context is... umm... fairly unusual.

(First post, too, so please be gentle)

Many thanks,

Roflcopter

 

[Louise Brown]

I'm not usually a fan of science fiction, but I also know what it's like to be new here and curious about one's first submission, so I gave it a read.

Very nicely done, Princess! I grew more and more curious where the story would go, and I wasn't disappointed in the least.

Welcome to Lit!

 

[CopyCarver]

Ditto

I am something of a sci-fi fan but I'm not really into supernatural tales that run contrary to the laws of science. Obviously, that makes me a really bad candidate to review anything in the genre.

That said, you drew your characters well, and the pacing is good. It's good work, especially for a first story.

 

[Princess_Roflcopter]

Thanks for the replies, everyone, they're very encouraging. I'll definitely get Word warmed up for a bit more demon sex.

 

[kbate]

You have some punctuation problems in the dialogue, punctuation inside quotes at the wrong point, and outside at others.

In one place you use predator's where the apostrophe is unnecessary.

I would chop one or two of the 'many thousands' and just settle for either many or thousands.

I might also combine the first two paragraphs as either could serve as an opening without detriment. I do not like the use of the word "their" and "they" to describe the luminous fungi, its would be better in my opinion.
-------
Enough nitpicking.

The story is wonderful, and of course I gave you a five as a 4 is too low. Alas, we need 10 point rating scale.

:emoticon:

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi,

I almost didn't read your story because you asked me to be gentle, but kbate's review gave me cause to reconsider. I agree, this is a great short tale with solid characters and descriptions. I'm not sure demonic sex will ever stir me in an erotic way, but you still managed to convince me that Saretha was stirred, no small feat since I was thinking Ick! most of the way. It's so well written that a telly line like When Thorgulian came, it was magnificent stands out like the proverbial sore thumb. That opening line's a bit long and clunky too, but these are minor issues. I can't say I recommend you write any additional stories regarding demon sex; how can you possibly improve on this one?

Take Care,
Penny