Wtf... -.-

[Erik001]

OK, so... someone please tell me what's up here. Most people seem to be able to classify whether they're gay, straight, bi, or whatever. But.. I'm kinda having trouble figuring out what the heck I am. Let me explain. I don't know why, but it seems like my preferences are in a constant state of flux. I always like and am attracted to women, but sometimes I like guys as well. The weird part is that it's not all the time. Sometimes seeing gay porn will get me hotter than hell, and other times the same thing that got me hot before brings an almost 'ick' reaction. I've been with a guy once and thoroughly enjoyed it, and sometimes the thought of doing it again sounds great. Other times, the thought of being with a guy again is a huge turn-off. Hence my 'WTF..?'.

Other possibly important info about me that might relate to this:

I am bi-polar.

For years I've sometimes felt like a woman trapped inside a man's body (and before anyone asks, no, surgery is soooooo not an option. Physically, I'm a bit of a manly man, and it'd probably take more money than Bill Gates has to turn me into a convincing woman x.x ). I know some of this is because of the spin society puts on things (I don't like sports/cars/most things society deems 'manly', am a deeply emotional person, I love to have long talks and express myself in different ways, etc), but it's more than that. Have any of you guys just looked out the window, or at your TV, or whatever, and seen a woman, and just had this deep ache inside because you feel like that's what you should be, but you aren't? Maybe some of you out there can relate to this. Or maybe I'm just a little more messed up than I thought. I dunno.


Anyway.. I'm not even sure what prompted me to spew all this out for everyone to read. I've kept it pretty quiet for so long (especially the part right above this), because.. well hey, no one wants to be heckled over how they feel about themselves, right? I guess someplace like this is as safe a place as any to get it all off my chest.

 

[willingtotry]

OK, so... someone please tell me what's up here. Most people seem to be able to classify whether they're gay, straight, bi, or whatever. But.. I'm kinda having trouble figuring out what the heck I am. Let me explain. I don't know why, but it seems like my preferences are in a constant state of flux. I always like and am attracted to women, but sometimes I like guys as well. The weird part is that it's not all the time. Sometimes seeing gay porn will get me hotter than hell, and other times the same thing that got me hot before brings an almost 'ick' reaction. I've been with a guy once and thoroughly enjoyed it, and sometimes the thought of doing it again sounds great. Other times, the thought of being with a guy again is a huge turn-off. Hence my 'WTF..?'.

Other possibly important info about me that might relate to this:

I am bi-polar.

For years I've sometimes felt like a woman trapped inside a man's body (and before anyone asks, no, surgery is soooooo not an option. Physically, I'm a bit of a manly man, and it'd probably take more money than Bill Gates has to turn me into a convincing woman x.x ). I know some of this is because of the spin society puts on things (I don't like sports/cars/most things society deems 'manly', am a deeply emotional person, I love to have long talks and express myself in different ways, etc), but it's more than that. Have any of you guys just looked out the window, or at your TV, or whatever, and seen a woman, and just had this deep ache inside because you feel like that's what you should be, but you aren't? Maybe some of you out there can relate to this. Or maybe I'm just a little more messed up than I thought. I dunno.


Anyway.. I'm not even sure what prompted me to spew all this out for everyone to read. I've kept it pretty quiet for so long (especially the part right above this), because.. well hey, no one wants to be heckled over how they feel about themselves, right? I guess someplace like this is as safe a place as any to get it all off my chest.

Hey hun. As a gay guy that I was with once put, "Maybe you're just sexual." You don't have to classify/label yourself.
And yes, this IS a great place to get things off your chest about your sexuality and become more in tune with who you are. Several of my friends are gay, and I tell ya, ANYBODY that is openly gay, bi or whatever, has all the respect in the world from me.

 

[Erik001]

Well, I have to admit that was a much nicer message than I was expecting. Then again, I was half expecting someone to pop up going 'Dude! You are t3h fr34k!', so anything's better than that. I'm not any closer to figuring myself out, but it's nice to know there's supportive people out there who I can talk to. Thanks willingtotry. I also see a lot of people looking, but no other comments. Don't be shy. Girls, guys, anyone's welcome to drop their opinion or just say Hi if they want to.

 

[Harrowborg]

think alot of the hesitation in replying to this is that there tend to be a lot of guys who come on to this board, and do a thread along the lines of, 'I've just been fucked by two guys, am I gay?' type of thing. Your original post had a lot of interesting points to it although having a read, it doesn't seem like its your sexuality thats an issue, its more a problem of trying to identify yourself which everyone goes through at some point.

 

[Erik001]

Bi, and yet not..

Heh, that's true. I'm less concerned about being labelled 'gay' or 'bi' than I am with trying to figure out why my preferences seem to switch on and off like they do, and wondering if there's a cause for why it does that. Whatever I am, I'm comfortable with it, it's just confusing as heck sometimes. ^_^;; I know I'm not straight, and I'm not worried about trying to be that way. That much I know. So.. eh, that's progress at least, ne? And thanks for your post, Harrowborg.

 

[69forever]

Erik....you can go back and look at early posts of mine. I was in the same situation. Feeling I needed to define my sexuality. Being truly Bi is a confusing and lonely place sometimes. Not accepted by str8's and scoffed at by Gays as not being able to decide.

I am in love with a woman. At the same time I still crave sex and intimacy with a man. A good friend defined it as polyamourous. Long word for being a slut. LOL!
Joking....I don't approach anyone for sex and sex alone anymore. Used to go to the gay bath-house and enjoy it. I've matured and grown emotionally. Anonymous sex for sex doesn't trip my trigger anymore. There needs to be an emotional/friend/intimate connection for me now. But that's just me and my needs.

I hope you can come to grips with your sexuality. Been a long road for me.
Take it slow and don't let labels that society wants to hand out limit your view and feelings. IMHO.

 

[temp256]

Human sexuality is far too complex to be defined by such exclusive terms. Don't even bother.

I can relate to you. When looking as a beautiful woman, I feel more jealous than anything. Maybe I should grow a pair of breasts. I can already pass for a woman, so why not?

 

[CuriousNiceGuy]

Hmm..We are all banned from society as freaks so why would anyone call you that?
Anyway, I don't see a problem with you understanding your sexuality, I rather think you're troubled by the switch on-off of sexual drive with men.
It has nothing to do with you, thinking you'd fit more as a woman.
I've been there.I have a personality that is not masculine as most guys would say, as I don't like sports/cars/smoking/drinking which seems to be the usual macho stereotype.I can watch sports and maybe be impressed by a nice car, but I never ever think i'd say:"Hey duuuude, let's gather at my place to watch soccer, cause it's what REAL men do!And bring a lot of beeeeeeeer, cause drinking is coooool!".In fact I hate this type of behaviour.. -_-
I think by not liking that you're just different.Being one with the mass and cool is one thing, but i'd rather keep my own personality and be special amongst the others.
About the switch on-off thing,I just don't think you've made it clear to yourself HOW you like men.
With women I'm sure you'd have relationships, but is it the same with guys?
Maybe you just like fucking a guy(or being fucked), just for the sex.That would maybe be a reason of the random sexual urges you have.
Maybe you are just sexual?I don;t understand the 'ick' reaction though..
How can you be turned on one time and get that 'iiiiick' feeling another..?

Anyways, be yourself and accept your desires.Nobody will discourage you here.And if they do, does it reeeeally matter if one or two think your not normal?
For god's sake I know people who would eat icecream combined with roast beef and they are considered normal

 

[Erik001]

Thank you everyone, for being as nice and understanding as you all have been. It's nice to be so open about how I am for a change. And hey temp256, if you can pass for a woman and you want to be one, well heck, I say go for it! You're lucky. And lol CuriousNiceGuy, you sound a lot like me. I don't mind not being stereotypically 'manly' in my emotions/interest, but it does make people give me odd looks sometimes. ^_^;

As for how I like guys.. mm, that's a good question. My interest there is mainly sexual. I've met only one man I could trust enough to be in a relationship, though he's not around anymore (he moved cross-country to be with his boyfriend. I hadn't really figured out my bi-sexuality before he had left. A shame, but we're still great friends). I know I'm more into women than men, but hey, that's not to say there aren't some guys out there that don't get my blood boiling.

But yeah, you got to the heart of my confusion. It's that weird on-off thing. Seeing a guy one day and thinking I'd love to suck him off, then seeing him another time and having no attraction is just confusing as hell. I came here figuring maybe someone might have had similar experiences, but it seems I've confused you all as much as I confuse myself. ^_^; Ah well! At least I've met some really nice people in the process.

 

[CuriousNiceGuy]

Sometimes I wish I was somewhere with more out of the closet bisexual/gay guys.
I'm sure I wouldn't mind pleasuring you if I was at NY.Too bad a whole ocean is between us

Btw, about your confusion, maybe your just not in a sexual mood sometimes.
It rarely happens to me( hooooooooorny) but it does sometimes.
Yeah we sound a lot alike

 

[SweetErika]

Other possibly important info about me that might relate to this:

I am bi-polar.

Erik, I'm curious about your theory on how bi-polar relates to the on/off and even feeling like a woman thing. Does your interest in men (or lack thereof) tend to follow the manic and depressive episodes, or is there some kind of pattern there? I'm just wondering because you clearly thought it important enough to mention in your original post, and it seeing if the two are related might give you some clue.

 

[Erik001]

CuriousNiceGuy: Lol, I can relate to that. Around here there's more than a few 'out' people, but it's still not talked about much. This is a semi-small town, so I guess people just kinda view it as not being their business to flaunt it around much. Dunno. ^_^ And hehe, yeah, the ocean in the way might be a problem. I'm not sall, don't get me wrong, but I just don't think I'm big enough to reach someone -that- far away.

SweetErika: Sometimes the 'off' periods are more frequent during the depressive states, yeah, and the 'on' ones more during the manic stage, but not always, which is why I wasn't sure. I mainly mentioned it because since bi-polar disorder is a brain chemistry issue, I wondered if perhaps that imbalance swinging from one end to the other might be what's flipping me 'off'. You never know, eh? Though if it's important, I'm bi-polar 2, not 1 (bi-polar 2, for those not familiar, is different than your typical bi-polar disorder. The manic stages are much less severe than with standard bi-polar. My 'manic' phases are more like someone on a mild caffiene hi, as opposed to being off the wall. The depressive stages last a bit longer but also aren't as severe).

As ever, thank you both for dropping me a line!

 

[Half-Cat]

OK, so... someone please tell me what's up here. Most people seem to be able to classify whether they're gay, straight, bi, or whatever. But.. I'm kinda having trouble figuring out what the heck I am. Let me explain. I don't know why, but it seems like my preferences are in a constant state of flux. I always like and am attracted to women, but sometimes I like guys as well. The weird part is that it's not all the time. Sometimes seeing gay porn will get me hotter than hell, and other times the same thing that got me hot before brings an almost 'ick' reaction. I've been with a guy once and thoroughly enjoyed it, and sometimes the thought of doing it again sounds great. Other times, the thought of being with a guy again is a huge turn-off. Hence my 'WTF..?'.

Hmmm...because sometimes you feel like a nut...

Sorry, couldn't resist. All kidding aside, I think it's for the same reason one day you want pizza, the next day, you don't, you'd rather have chinese, and some days you aren't all that hungry. It doesn't mean you don't like pizza, chinese, or food in general, it's just what you're in the mood for right then.

 

[Erik001]

Hmmm...because sometimes you feel like a nut...

LOL! I suppose that could be it. Really, the more I talk about it with you guys, the less I'm worrying about it. You all are awesome. ^_^

 

[Half-Cat]

LOL! I suppose that could be it. Really, the more I talk about it with you guys, the less I'm worrying about it. You all are awesome. ^_^

Well, thankyee . We do try around here. And I'm glad your not worrying about it so much. I worried about the same thing myself for a while, so I understand how it goes.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Heh, that's true. I'm less concerned about being labelled 'gay' or 'bi' than I am with trying to figure out why my preferences seem to switch on and off like they do, and wondering if there's a cause for why it does that. Whatever I am, I'm comfortable with it, it's just confusing as heck sometimes. ^_^;; I know I'm not straight, and I'm not worried about trying to be that way. That much I know. So.. eh, that's progress at least, ne? And thanks for your post, Harrowborg.

Because, for a lot of people, preferences DO switch on and off.

and here comes my rant...

In our society, we are uncomfortable with that. The media, especially, likes to be able to pigeonhole a character. He's a linebacker, She's a housewife, She's glamorous" he's a CEO
He might be a linebacker that does most of the housework. She might be a housewife that's a pulitzer-prize-winning poet. She might be glamorous and bulimic- or, a deep-sea diver, how do I know?
He might be a CEO that races cars and is a cordon-bleu cook, with a male lover and an adopted baby. Or a heroin habit. Or a passion for raising German Shepherd dogs.

One of the stupidest words in current use in the English language- "YET"
Yet means an added element that is surprising; "Strong yet sensitive" "Busty yet demure" as if to be sensitive AND strong is a big surprise.
I hate the word "yet".

We are made up of a mixture of elements, all of us, and they are shaken, not stirred. We multi-task. We learn new skills. We communicate, constantly- it's our primate heritage- and we change our minds, and we add layers.

You sound perfectly normal to me- not static, not locked into a single definition of yourself, that would be- HAVE to be- false more often than not. Confusing? So what? nothing worthwhile is easy!

 

[CuriousNiceGuy]

Ok..I think our conversation just went into a whole new lvl..^_^'


Totally irrelevant question:
-Erik do you watch anime?

 

[kbate]

Wonderful thread starting post.

Welcome to the hell of being homsosexual or whatever you might be.

Confusion about your sexual identity is normal and mandatory if you want to get your union card. You can't join the GLBT community unless you agonize for approximately 6 months to a year about your sexuality, it's a rule.

 

[Erik001]

Wonderful thread starting post.

Welcome to the hell of being homsosexual or whatever you might be.

Confusion about your sexual identity is normal and mandatory if you want to get your union card. You can't join the GLBT community unless you agonize for approximately 6 months to a year about your sexuality, it's a rule.

Oh, well then I'm definitely qualified. I've been angsting over this for over a year before I made this post. As for what I am.. uhmmm ... hmm. I guess in the end, I'm pretty much Bi. And I'm comfortable with that. After hearing everything I've heard here, I don't think my little quirks are nearly as bizarre as I thought they were, which admittedly is a relief.

And Stella_Omega, I can certainly see your points. But I think being straight/bi/gay is a bit different than being a football player or housewife. Those are concious decisions, after all, and one's sexuality is certainly not (at least, not in my experiences). Which isn't to say your point is without merit, simply that it's a little like comparing apples and oranges. I guess a lot of my confusion stemmed not only from the issue itself, but from never having met anyone whose sexual preferences swung on and off like that (or never even hearing about anyone like that), which made me feel strange. Now, it doesn't seem like such a big thing.

 

[Stella_Omega]

hee- those damned side rants, I know
Well, this is the place where- now matter how big a perv you think you are, you'll meet someone right on your wavelength!

 

[Half-Cat]

hee- those damned side rants, I know
Well, this is the place where- now matter how big a perv you think you are, you'll meet someone right on your wavelength!

Which is why so many people are here .

Seriously, though, that is true. I think that's what I like the most about this place. If you told everybody you had a secret fantasy about being screwed by Mr. Ed, while wearing nothing but a pink tu-tu and diving flippers, and while riding on the main float in the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade, while a midget dressed as a nun spanked you with a bible, most people here would say "Okaaaaaaaay, if that does it for ya" and shrug. There would be one, though, that would say "Really? Me too. King James Bible or New American version?" It's that kind of place. You gotta love it for that.

 

[Erik001]

Lol, that's certainly true, Half-Cat. I don't know if I personally would be up to that, but I bet there's someone out there who'd jump at the chance. ^_^ Then again, hey, don't knock it til you've tried it, right?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Lol, that's certainly true, Half-Cat. I don't know if I personally would be up to that, but I bet there's someone out there who'd jump at the chance. ^_^ Then again, hey, don't knock it til you've tried it, right?

Hee hee hee- that's the other reaction you'll get here!

"hey, I never tried that before... sounds sexy!"

 

[CJontherocks]

I've worried sometimes that I want a man only when I can't be with a woman. Then I'm a phony and I have no integrity... damned bisexual fence-straddling slut.

But I'm not attracted to all men, as I'm not attracted to all women. Some porn (gay or straight) turns me on, and some doesn't.

I've given up trying to figure it out. I'm just gonna rock it when and where and with whom the mood strikes me.

 

[Half-Cat]

I've worried sometimes that I want a man only when I can't be with a woman. Then I'm a phony and I have no integrity... damned bisexual fence-straddling slut.

But I'm not attracted to all men, as I'm not attracted to all women. Some porn (gay or straight) turns me on, and some doesn't.

I've given up trying to figure it out. I'm just gonna rock it when and where and with whom the mood strikes me.

That's the best thing you can do, I think. I mean, moods are fickle, and some days I've seen a girl/guy and thought "oh, yeah!" The next day, "hmmm... nah, not today." That's just being human.