WTF?!!? (Part 27 of a 200 part series)

[shereads]

Dear Corporate America:

You people slay me.

I received as a gift a small portable car battery charger by Coleman; the kind that plugs into the car's 12 volt power outlet, theoretically letting you jump-start your dead battery without getting out of the car, and without the risk of an explosion.

Good idea! I diidn't have the heart to tell the giver that I already own a serious portable charger, having owned one of these little things years ago and found it useless.

But this one at least includes an Owners Manual. Maybe it will explain what I did wrong with the other one. How long should I leave the charger plugged in before attempting to start the car? How long should I wait before giving up? Without an indicator light, how do I know a connection has been made - or if the charger itself needs recharging?

After a brief struggle to open the plastic 'clamshell' package using heavy-duty scissors, an Xacto Knife, a wire cutter and a stream of obscenities - during which I received only a minor flesh wound - I extracted the Owners Manual and read:

cover:

Coleman Power
Emergency Car Battery Charger
Model #9423

Inside, first page:

<blank>

Inside, facing page:

<blank>

Inside, following page

Tips on using a portable charger to jump start your car.

Finally!

Now, this is the part where - if you are familiar with Owners Manuals and are able to read and comprehend the English language - you might expect to find some tips on using a portable charger to jump start your car.

You'd be wrong.

Instead, there's a sentence explaining that portable chargers are intended for use in emergencies; followed by a paragraph explaining that they don't always work.

You see, you poor guileless consumer who finds yourself stuck out in the boondocks with a dead battery, foolishly hoping this device will start your car, it's like this:

Your charger's ability to jump-start your car is limited by such factors as the size and condition of your car's battery, and whether the portable charger has lost power over time.

If repeated attempts are unsuccessful, your car may need a new battery or additional maintenance.

That's it. That, and a back page with the usual warnings and disclaimers that are included with most small electrical appliances, from hair dryers (Do Not Swallow!) to extension cords (Not For Use In Swimming Pools, While Bathing, Or By Infants Without Supervision.)

Thank you, Coleman Power. Based on what I've learned from the Owners Manual, I believe my new portable charger will make an excellent a door-stop or paperweight.






























W?

TF?

 

[rgraham666]

Don't sweat it, she.

Someone in the corporate bureaucracy was justifying their existence and that was the result.

 

[shereads]

Don't sweat it, she.

Someone in the corporate bureaucracy was justifying their existence and that was the result.

Yes, of course. But that's why there are copywriters, like me. If there's nothing to say, a shrewd marketer will either shrug off the need for an Owners Manual or have a copywriter whip up a few paragraphs of technical-looking verbiage.

That way, the consumer will think she's too lazy to read the instructions or too dense to understand them. Coleman Power's way, I'm so ticked off about the deception that resulted in there being an Owners Manual made up of 3 parts blank paper to 1 part apology, I'm going to get on the phone soon and begin ruining someone's day.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Use it for your vibe batteries..............unless you use Duracell Marine batteries.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Of course... it could be a mistake.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

This is why re-gifting was created.

 

[TxRad]

This is why re-gifting was created.

I got four of those for Christmas.....

 

[lucky-E-leven]

I got four of those for Christmas.....

I'll take one, if you think I can hook it up to my potato cannon in place of the manual ignitor.

 

[shereads]

I know what kind of mistake it was. I've witnessed it often enough, and been caught up in the process a time or two. It's called a cluster-fuck.

The cluster is a group of middle-management executives, none of whom is willing to put his job on the line by signing off on a decision - such as the final text of a product manual that's already missed two production deadlines because there was no one to finalize the decision. The incentive in publicly held companies is single-minded: meet the financial goals for this fiscal quarter, or else. Better to let the product manual go to press with an embarrassing error - and let the ensuing losses occur in a future fiscal quarter - than to be responsible for a delay or an extra expenditure whose repercussions in the current quarter outweigh the long-term benefits of fixing the problem.

Whatever the cost to the company in money, reputation, retailer relationships and customer confidence, what matters is that it will hit the fan in a future fiscal quarter - during which each middle manager hopes to have been promoted to another division as a reward for helping achieve this quarter's fiscal goals.

Cluster-fuck.

Years from now, when the Coleman Power division inexplicably fails, having lost essential retailer relationships and failed to meet its fiscal goals for several quarters in a row - despite the fear factor that ought to have motivated the remaining middle managers to make their numbers and avoid being laid off like all the others - everyone but the worker bees will be surprised.

Upper management, in consultation with its pr firm, will blame the failure on a sluggish market for portable battery chargers and the rising cost of petroleum products, which has made quality clamshell packaging cost prohibitive.

 

[rgraham666]

Denial and avoidance of responsibility is a wonderful thing, isn't it she?

 

[CharleyH]

Use it for your vibe batteries.

It was almost the perfect tongue in cheek erotic story, wasn't it? lol

 

[ABSTRUSE]

It was almost the perfect tongue in cheek erotic story, wasn't it? lol

I can see it as a movie too.

 

[shereads]

I can see it as a movie too.

Will Smith and Julia Roberts in Stephen Spielberg's

CLUSTER FUCK



------

I once proofread the Approved-For-Production draft of a brochure for our client's newest product. It had been more than three months since I wrote an initial draft of the brochure - reluctantly, since I had been promised specific product information but hadn't received any. "Just put something down, so we'll have it to show the client. We'll get the specifics later."

I wrote a few paragraphs of fluff; where facts were missing, I typed in all caps, "INFORMATION TBD."

After months of nit-picking by assorted middle managers at the agency and on the client side - everything from punctuation to "I just don't like the way this flows," - and with no fewer than five people's signatures on the version that was in the layout and on its way to the printer - "INFORMATION TBD" was still there. Three times.

If I'd had another job awaiting me, I'd have let it be produced that way. Pointing out the error just made everyone mad because it caused a delay.

 

[oggbashan]

Airconditioning equipment

My brother was in a company that took over another and he was given the task of converting one of the newly acquired factories to produce a new food product range - good news since the taken-over company's employees would continue to have work, with new products instead of the old ones that were losing market share.

There was one insoluble problem. The factory's airconditioning plant didn't work properly. It had been made and installed by a German company that had ceased to exist. The user and installation manuals were in the factory's files but they were written in German.

My brother's limited German was insufficient. He photocopied the user manual and sent it to my wife, a German teacher. She couldn't make sense of it either. It was full of expressions like 'Take Widget A and insert under Tab B ensuring that Widget A does not foul Flange C or Rotor D' but there were no definitions or pictures of Widget A, Tab B, Flange C nor Rotor D. My wife consulted a friend, a native German speaker who is an engineer. He couldn't make sense of it and said that it was probably written by someone who wasn't German and translated by someone who didn't understand engineering and certainly had no idea what the airconditioning plant was supposed to do.

My brother made enquiries among the older employees. No one could remember the airconditioning working effectively, even on the day it was commissioned. It was removed and replaced with UK made equipment on a maintenance contract. The installers saw the old equipment waiting to be taken away as scrap. They recognised it and said:

"That equipment was state-of-the-art when new but too advanced for its time. No one knew how to make it work properly, not even the manufacturers who bought the design from the inventor. Ten years later a revised version was successful for another company but the original manufacturers had broken themselves trying to keep the equipment in service. No UK company dared to try to service it..."

No wonder the manual was gobbledygook. They didn't know themselves.

Og

 

[shereads]

No wonder the manual was gobbledygook. They didn't know themselves.

Og

But did the gobbledygook "flow?"



Copy "flow" is a lot easier to critique than content, especially when technical stuff is involved. You'll need a committee of German-speaking middle managers, at least one of whom has a daughter who teaches a creative writing class at the local community college.

The air conditioning still won't work. But the product manual will be more user-friendly.

 

[Lisa Denton]

I got four of those for Christmas.....

I sent out four.

But you didn't get one of mine or it would have included something else to make it a wonderful joyous holiday gift pack.

I had removed the useless owner manual and made up one of my own:



(Coleman Power
Emergency Car Battery Charger
Model #9423

Tips on using your portable charger

Bang repeatedly against top of petrified fruit cake until crumbling begins.)

 

[OhMissScarlett]

But did the gobbledygook "flow?"



You'll need a committee of German-speaking middle managers, at least one of whom has a daughter who teaches a creative writing class at the local community college.

The air conditioning still won't work. But the product manual will be more user-friendly.

Start looking in China, they've all been "outsourced".

 

[glynndah]

Start looking in China, they've all been "outsourced".

No, no, no! Have you ever read those informative little booklets? Who do you think writes them? The Chinese who are learning English.

 

[cumallday]

If you can't figure it out for yourself - throw it away.

 

[Liar]

I know what kind of mistake it was. I've witnessed it often enough, and been caught up in the process a time or two. It's called a cluster-fuck.

The cluster is a group of middle-management executives, none of whom is willing to put his job on the line by signing off on a decision - such as the final text of a product manual that's already missed two production deadlines because there was no one to finalize the decision. The incentive in publicly held companies is single-minded: meet the financial goals for this fiscal quarter, or else. Better to let the product manual go to press with an embarrassing error - and let the ensuing losses occur in a future fiscal quarter - than to be responsible for a delay or an extra expenditure whose repercussions in the current quarter outweigh the long-term benefits of fixing the problem.

Whatever the cost to the company in money, reputation, retailer relationships and customer confidence, what matters is that it will hit the fan in a future fiscal quarter - during which each middle manager hopes to have been promoted to another division as a reward for helping achieve this quarter's fiscal goals.

Cluster-fuck.

Years from now, when the Coleman Power division inexplicably fails, having lost essential retailer relationships and failed to meet its fiscal goals for several quarters in a row - despite the fear factor that ought to have motivated the remaining middle managers to make their numbers and avoid being laid off like all the others - everyone but the worker bees will be surprised.

Upper management, in consultation with its pr firm, will blame the failure on a sluggish market for portable battery chargers and the rising cost of petroleum products, which has made quality clamshell packaging cost prohibitive.

Made me think of this:

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e394/mi_liar/tpw.jpg

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I, regrettably, am led to believe it to be not quite so simple--but, so long as you're certain I suppose that's what matters.

 

[R. Richard]

I know what kind of mistake it was. I've witnessed it often enough, and been caught up in the process a time or two. It's called a cluster-fuck.

The cluster is a group of middle-management executives, none of whom is willing to put his job on the line by signing off on a decision - such as the final text of a product manual that's already missed two production deadlines because there was no one to finalize the decision. The incentive in publicly held companies is single-minded: meet the financial goals for this fiscal quarter, or else. Better to let the product manual go to press with an embarrassing error - and let the ensuing losses occur in a future fiscal quarter - than to be responsible for a delay or an extra expenditure whose repercussions in the current quarter outweigh the long-term benefits of fixing the problem.

Whatever the cost to the company in money, reputation, retailer relationships and customer confidence, what matters is that it will hit the fan in a future fiscal quarter - during which each middle manager hopes to have been promoted to another division as a reward for helping achieve this quarter's fiscal goals.

Cluster-fuck.

Years from now, when the Coleman Power division inexplicably fails, having lost essential retailer relationships and failed to meet its fiscal goals for several quarters in a row - despite the fear factor that ought to have motivated the remaining middle managers to make their numbers and avoid being laid off like all the others - everyone but the worker bees will be surprised.

Upper management, in consultation with its pr firm, will blame the failure on a sluggish market for portable battery chargers and the rising cost of petroleum products, which has made quality clamshell packaging cost prohibitive.

Thank you for the clear, concise explanation. I used to program computers. I would get a manual that looked like it was written in Chinese and translated to American by an eastern European who spoke neither language. I assumed that the process was intended only to piss me off!

Then, I began to get beautifully written manuals with well written sections under each paragraph heading. The well written material had nothing to do with the subject being addressed, but it was well written.

And they wonder why programmers don't like to read manuals.

 

[oggbashan]

One of my daughters had an old Japanese moped (supplied by Dad) that she used to commute around in London.

The manual was one of the first English versions, translated from the Japanese by someone who had never seen the moped, nor were they a native English speaker. If the motorcycle company had entrusted the writing of the manual to their bitterest rival, the rival couldn't have made it more unintelligible.

The moped sold in tens of thousands. So did an English-written manual by a motorcycle magazine. Most of the original manufacturer's manuals were thrown away in disgust. The moped performed excellently - until some low-life stole it.

Later manuals by the same company were practical, useful and informative. They hired the writer of the motor-cycle magazine's version.

Og

 

[CharleyH]

No one got this yet? LOL

 

[cheerful_deviant]

No one got this yet? LOL

I did but I was keeping it a secret.