written last night, falling asleep, unedited so far

[sophieloves]

new revision - not sure how close i am yet to getting there... and can't find a way of cutting that first line since everytime i speak it aloud it tells me it wants to stay exactly as it is. if i break it into part title, or lines one and two, i find myself losing the speech-patterning i like as i say it. anyway, this is what i have so far - i've lost the rainbows (eek) and while i kinda liked the gemstones, i felt they lacked the animation i could read in the rest - so once again i used water symbology.

*with special thanks to Angeline for 'prisms'

revision two:

written while falling asleep


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth
prisms to my senses
sleet and mist, a monsoon to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax
the bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps






revised version: 1


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth
rainbows to my senses
diamonds and jet and garnet to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax, the
bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps







original:


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you would bring flocks of birds to my mouth
rainbows to my senses
diamonds and jet and garnet to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax, the bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers of us

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps

legs cling to back
moving in a tidal rhythm
urging you onwards and upwards to our mutual goal

 

[outsidein]

hi, this is what I meant in my pm, this is taking the mind to wonderful and interesting places, how good poetry and writing should paint pictures with words, and you do that here....I like....and it's quite hot too

 

[Liar]

A very good start. Are you looking for suggerstions? (Got only one, but I won't give it unless you say so.)

But I will say this: "i would be grass to the brush of your palm" is an awesome line.

 

[sophieloves]

hi, this is what I meant in my pm, this is taking the mind to wonderful and interesting places, how good poetry and writing should paint pictures with words, and you do that here....I like....and it's quite hot too

oh thankyou very much, outsidein. i'm pretty new to writing but i've always read poetry. it's very kind of you to comment on this piece.

 

[sophieloves]

A very good start. Are you looking for suggerstions? (Got only one, but I won't give it unless you say so.)

But I will say this: "i would be grass to the brush of your palm" is an awesome line.

yes please, all suggestions welcome. i wrote this live to someone as we were pming back and forth and i've adjusted a line or two in notepad but haven't changed anything here yet. please tell me your thoughts. staying up all night then writing this, i really was falling asleep typing, drifting off between every few lines. i was pretty pleased with some of the images, like the one you mention but 'air over ice/smoke over rush' were ones i was really delighted with and they seemed to come from someplace other than my normal head.

 

[TrevorBlack]

Hello Sophie!

I'm very inexperienced at giving opinions and feedback, so first let me apologize for that. That said, overall I love this poem. Your imagery is solid, yet cryptic and beautifully metaphoric. I especially find your first stanza powerful. "Grass to the brush of your palm" and "smoke over rush" sent electric shocks along my spine. Well done!

My only point of discontent (And please forgive me), is with some of the imagery in the second part. "Flocks of birds to my mouth" doesn't seem to fit, in my most humble opinion. It may be my own bias against using animal metaphors (Though I certainly don't have the same complaint about salmon further on, but I also couldn't think of anything that would even come close to working in its place given the imagery of that part of the poem), or it may simply be that I personally just don't identify with that particular imagery. If I may suggest something indicating feathers or wings? But of course this is your piece, and who am I to be so pretentious?
It also becomes blatantly appearant what this piece is about in the final lines. While beautiful, I would have personally tried to maintain the metaphors from earlier, and not gone with anything so deliberate and obvious.

But as I said, this is a beautiful piece, and I love it. Thank you so much for sharing it, and if, as you say, you have little experience with writing poetry then it certainly doesn't show. Your style and abilities are powerful, so by all means don't stop!

-TB

 

[sophieloves]

Hello Sophie!

I'm very inexperienced at giving opinions and feedback, so first let me apologize for that. That said, overall I love this poem. Your imagery is solid, yet cryptic and beautifully metaphoric. I especially find your first stanza powerful. "Grass to the brush of your palm" and "smoke over rush" sent electric shocks along my spine. Well done!

My only point of discontent (And please forgive me), is with some of the imagery in the second part. "Flocks of birds to my mouth" doesn't seem to fit, in my most humble opinion. It may be my own bias against using animal metaphors (Though I certainly don't have the same complaint about salmon further on, but I also couldn't think of anything that would even come close to working in its place given the imagery of that part of the poem), or it may simply be that I personally just don't identify with that particular imagery. If I may suggest something indicating feathers or wings? But of course this is your piece, and who am I to be so pretentious?
It also becomes blatantly appearant what this piece is about in the final lines. While beautiful, I would have personally tried to maintain the metaphors from earlier, and not gone with anything so deliberate and obvious.

But as I said, this is a beautiful piece, and I love it. Thank you so much for sharing it, and if, as you say, you have little experience with writing poetry then it certainly doesn't show. Your style and abilities are powerful, so by all means don't stop!

-TB

i'm so happy anyone's commenting on something i've written, Trevor, so please don't be apologising. it's really kind of you!

the part you ask about, the 'flocks of birds' bit, i'm not sure i'm content with that line either: it's meant to show the fluttering of sounds funnelling up the throat and escaping from lips, and (as i said) i just wrote it as it came, no revisions here - but i've got a horrible feeling it's a line from something i can't place my finger on. if anyone can tell me it's used in something famous, lol, i will have to scrub it and replace it anyway.the next part i'm feeling most unsure about is the part with the legs - as you say, it's a bit too obvious after the other imagery. and the last line - depends on how i say it whether it works for me or not. so i know there's plenty of room for improvement here.

it blows me away, though, that you found some of the lines 'electric'. wow! i am with delight.

ty

 

[Liar]

yes please, all suggestions welcome. i wrote this live to someone as we were pming back and forth and i've adjusted a line or two in notepad but haven't changed anything here yet. please tell me your thoughts. staying up all night then writing this, i really was falling asleep typing, drifting off between every few lines. i was pretty pleased with some of the images, like the one you mention but 'air over ice/smoke over rush' were ones i was really delighted with and they seemed to come from someplace other than my normal head.

Ok then...

You craft a hell of a mood here. The imagery you use is classic, strong, earthy, sexy as fuck and even though they come from many different directions - nature, elements, minerals...and wax - they communicate a consistency and is handled with great balance. Intense but never hyperbolic.

Except for two places.

Most importantly: The entire last stanza. Ditch it. It reads to me as if it was added as an explanation to the metaphors in the poem above it. As if saying "oh yeah, if you haven't gotten it already, this is about sex". And they really don't need that, if you ask me. Those last lines are blunt, telling and porn-visual compared to the eloquent delicacy of the rest. And to me they kill the mood that was so carefully and vividly crafted up to that point.

The second place I have concerns with is the line "rising through the rivers of us". And my objection is the same as for the last stanza. it yanks me out of the mood. The "of us" yanks me out of the world of metaphors by you, the narrator, who for some reason feel the need to point out that "hey look, it's a metaphor". Again, the poem so far is so strong it doesn't need it. We already know that it's metaphor, please don't break the spell by tapping us on the shoulder. My suggestion would be to remove the meta remark and stay in the metaphor. For instance "rising through rivers" instead of "...the rivers of us".

Does that make sense?

ps. Personally, I love the birds. But that's me.

 

[sophieloves]

Ok then...

You craft a hell of a mood here. The imagery you use is classic, strong, earthy, sexy as fuck and even though they come from many different directions - nature, elements, minerals...and wax - they communicate a consistency and is handled with great balance. Intense but never hyperbolic.

Except for two places.

Most importantly: The entire last stanza. Ditch it. It reads to me as if it was added as an explanation to the metaphors in the poem above it. As if saying "oh yeah, if you haven't gotten it already, this is about sex". And they really don't need that, if you ask me. Those last lines are blunt, telling and porn-visual compared to the eloquent delicacy of the rest. And to me they kill the mood that was so carefully and vividly crafted up to that point.

The second place I have concerns with is the line "rising through the rivers of us". And my objection is the same as for the last stanza. it yanks me out of the mood. The "of us" yanks me out of the world of metaphors by you, the narrator, who for some reason feel the need to point out that "hey look, it's a metaphor". Again, the poem so far is so strong it doesn't need it. We already know that it's metaphor, please don't break the spell by tapping us on the shoulder. My suggestion would be to remove the meta remark and stay in the metaphor. For instance "rising through rivers" instead of "...the rivers of us".

Does that make sense?

ps. Personally, I love the birds. But that's me.

i am very happy to lose that entire ending, having read what you've just said here and going back re-reading... it ends well on 'the magnificent leaps'. i knew those end lines felt all off, but i didn't have eough understanding to know why. so thankyou very much for helping me get that.

so the 'birds' line didn't ring a bell? i'd hate to be plagiarising something quite unintentionally

the 'of us' - yes, i can also see how that works. i think i do what i do mainly through sound, though i'm not sure, and the 'of us' must have felt a natural pacing to my three-quarters asleep brain. reading it with the allowance of space losing the end two syllables gives that line it works in a neater way. i like that too.

i am so honestly appreciative of all the help here tonight on this poem! now, i wouldn't just make changes blindly either - any changes would definitely have to feel right to me as well before i used them. but i love each one you've suggested. thankyou.

 

[sophieloves]

i suppose i'd best find it a title, too

 

[Tzara]

revised version


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth
rainbows to my senses
diamonds and jet and garnet to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax, the bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps







original:


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you would bring flocks of birds to my mouth
rainbows to my senses
diamonds and jet and garnet to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax, the bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers of us

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps

legs cling to back
moving in a tidal rhythm
urging you onwards and upwards to our mutual goal

Hey Sophie!

Thanks for wiping the last S in the original. You were telling. That did not work for me.

I really liked this, though:

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps​

I especially like the "the" at the end of L2. A very atypical line break, but one I think works very very well, particularly because of the next line: "breath held." That works so well I want to kiss you.

Uh, assuming your partner(s) would be OK with it. Loved that line.

The earlier S's I think need to be trimmed. Evened out a bit. For example, I agree with Liar that "i would be grass to the brush of your palm" is a great line. Two things, though: (1) Use "I" not "i". Little "i" to me (to me, not necessarily everyone) seems pretentious; (2) The line is too long for the S. Maybe use "I would be grass / to the brush of your palm" or something. It's basically a good line. A very good line.

I think that's all I want to say. I might tweak at you about other things, but those might tend into me writing your poem as I would write it, which is not the point.

Good start, m'dear. Wrestle it a bit.

 

[sophieloves]

Hey Sophie!

Thanks for wiping the last S in the original. You were telling. That did not work for me.

yeah, i get it now.

I really liked this, though:

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps​

I especially like the "the" at the end of L2. A very atypical line break, but one I think works very very well, particularly because of the next line: "breath held." That works so well I want to kiss you.

Uh, assuming your partner(s) would be OK with it. Loved that line.

all kisses welcome thankyou for that big positive! it's quite a relief to not get slated by anyone for that line-break choice, with 'the' hanging there - i expected to receive some complaints about that.

The earlier S's I think need to be trimmed. Evened out a bit. For example, I agree with Liar that "i would be grass to the brush of your palm" is a great line. Two things, though: (1) Use "I" not "i". Little "i" to me (to me, not necessarily everyone) seems pretentious; (2) The line is too long for the S. Maybe use "I would be grass / to the brush of your palm" or something. It's basically a good line. A very good line.

oops about the pretentious part. it's not intended to be so, more just how i - I - type, but I am being told about this all over so it looks as if I should do something about it. I kind of like the little 'i's not for any attention-sucking but just as a visual I tend to prefer them. You see? all these capital 'I's feel a bit 'look at me'. That's silly, and I will think about it. Thankyou for that thought. I'm also wondering about that first line: this doesn't actually have a title, and I like the feel of the line in my mouth as I read it off, so this is what I'm wondering - how would it be if I made the title 'I would be...'? so it leads into the poem that way? Do you feel that might work better? Or should I stick with 'written while falling asleep' as a title since that's the truth of it? I'm delighted you guys like that line, though. Pleased as punch.

I think that's all I want to say. I might tweak at you about other things, but those might tend into me writing your poem as I would write it, which is not the point.

Good start, m'dear. Wrestle it a bit.

Thankyou ever so much for your input. It's really appreciated. I have been looking to see about dropping some of the 'the's and 'and's but right now they feel they play the part of the pacing as I read it - maybe I can get my head around that, or maybe I don't need to. Not sure. I want to keep the truth of it, as I wrote it as the time, but I will definitely come back to this again to see what improvements may be made.

kiss back. lol. thanks.

 

[outsidein]

revised version


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth
rainbows to my senses
diamonds and jet and garnet to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax, the bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps







original:


i would be grass to the brush of your palm
silk, and water
river over rock
air over ice
smoke over rush

you would bring flocks of birds to my mouth
rainbows to my senses
diamonds and jet and garnet to my eyes
you, the wind
the flame
the molten wax, the bark and flexing thrust of salmon
rising through the rivers of us

white waters churn and froth and boil
the leaps the undertow the
breath held

the magnificent leaps

legs cling to back
moving in a tidal rhythm
urging you onwards and upwards to our mutual goal

nice revision, I love the ending on "the magnificent leaps" it just leaves such a great image, must say also I like the line "you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth"
I am no poet or writer but i know what I like

keep it up, look forward to more

 

[sophieloves]

i'm pleased you like the revision, outsidein. thankyou for letting me know

 

[sophieloves]

i have got to do something with that 'rainbows' line, maybe the gemstones too - the rainbow thing is starting to remind me too much of my little pony and that is so not a good thing, and while i like the gems i'm wondering if they're just too static for the other imagery. ok, diamonds weren't formed in a static way, and have fire in their bellies, but i think you know what i mean. they need to be replaced with something more dynamic, so i'm gonna work that out as best i can - i know what i want there, i think. back later.

 

[sophieloves]

new revision. don't know how i feel about it yet. shiver.

 

[WickedEve]

i have got to do something with that 'rainbows' line, maybe the gemstones too - the rainbow thing is starting to remind me too much of my little pony and that is so not a good thing,

Please do get rid of the rainbow. The poem is much stronger without it.

 

[Angeline]

Please do get rid of the rainbow. The poem is much stronger without it.

What if she said "prisms"? That suggests rainbows but avoids the cliche...

 

[WickedEve]

What if she said "prisms"? That suggests rainbows but avoids the cliche...

Oh, that's good.
There are some very nice lines in the poem. Good revision. I was only really bothered by rainbow.

 

[Angeline]

Oh, that's good.
There are some very nice lines in the poem. Good revision. I was only really bothered by rainbow.

Agreed. It's a very good poem. My mind's eye reshapes it somewhat when I read it, but I wouldn't lose anything at this point--maybe just move it around a bit.

 

[WickedEve]

Agreed. It's a very good poem. My mind's eye reshapes it somewhat when I read it, but I wouldn't lose anything at this point--maybe just move it around a bit.

When I first read "you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth" it kind of reminded me of a poem you wrote about ee and something about boulders falling. You know which one I'm talking about?

 

[Angeline]

When I first read "you'd bring flocks of birds to my mouth" it kind of reminded me of a poem you wrote about ee and something about boulders falling. You know which one I'm talking about?

Maybe. It might be Dharma Life or High Flyer. I have to look.

 

[sophieloves]

What if she said "prisms"? That suggests rainbows but avoids the cliche...

i LOVE this idea!

storms just doesn't fit what i needed to say.. too heavy where i wanted the different lights that can happen during or between storms... i will use this, THANKYOU

 

[sophieloves]

Please do get rid of the rainbow. The poem is much stronger without it.

thankyou - i already changed it for storms but have swapped that for prisms since it captures the meaning i wanted originally. so helpful!

thankyou both, guys
the flocks of birds line? right from the start i've felt i recognise it from somewhere else - googled it but have come up with nothing. if ANYONE recognises it at all, please let me know

 

[WickedEve]

thankyou - i already changed it for storms but have swapped that for prisms since it captures the meaning i wanted originally. so helpful!

thankyou both, guys
the flocks of birds line? right from the start i've felt i recognise it from somewhere else - googled it but have come up with nothing. if ANYONE recognises it at all, please let me know

I was sure I had heard the bird line too but can't place where. Maybe on this forum some time in the past. I don't know.