Written in the heat of the moment...

[Sallad]

Well, shortly thereafter. I was (and still am) pretty pissed off when I wrote it, so I'm sure it can use some work. Input is always appreciated.

TIA,
DWP.

Think I don't know
About your filthy little secret?
About the things you've done
And will continue to do?
I see it...

I see her flinch
The fear
I know that cry.

Think I don't know
How you've got her shackled by your secret
In gold and silver chains?
Bound by the child.
She'll never share it,
But I see it...

I see your clenched fist
Your rage
I know that temper...
Damned if I won't help her.

 

[WickedEve]

Not bad for a heat-of-the-moment poem.
As a reader, I find your poem interesting, but I'd appreciate knowing more of what's going on.
A poem like this needs to be put aside and edited later.
Take your current anger and use that energy to generate other poems--not necessarily on the subject that irritates you.

 

[Sallad]

Not bad for a heat-of-the-moment poem.
As a reader, I find your poem interesting, but I'd appreciate knowing more of what's going on.
A poem like this needs to be put aside and edited later.
Take your current anger and use that energy to generate other poems--not necessarily on the subject that irritates you.

I want to put more in it, but I wrote it to be discrete and then i posted it in my Myspace where I know he'd see it. I know he hits her, because she's told me. I want him to know that I know without putting her in danger... does that help?

 

[Sallad]

Small edit, but I like the flow better.

Think I don't know
Your filthy little secret?
The awful things you've done
And will continue to do?
I see it...

I see her flinch
The fear
I know that cry.

Think I don't know
You've got her shackled by your secret
In gold and silver chains?
Bound by the child.
She'll never share it,
But I see it...

I see your clenched fist
Your rage
I know that temper...
Damned if I won't help her.

 

[WickedEve]

I'm curious about this line: You've got her shackled by your secret In gold and silver chains?
Is the secret his abusive ways? What about the gold and silver?
I know the poem is meant for him, and he will understand it. But if you ever submit this for a general audience, they may wonder about the secret and the chains.

 

[Sallad]

I'm curious about this line: You've got her shackled by your secret In gold and silver chains?
Is the secret his abusive ways? What about the gold and silver?
I know the poem is meant for him, and he will understand it. But if you ever submit this for a general audience, they may wonder about the secret and the chains.

Shackled by your secret = yes, his abusive ways. Her fear keeps her there
Gold and Silver chains = those gifts he's given her over the years as an apology which also brings up another reason she (and most abused women) won't leave. "see, he loves me"

I'd like to make this clear for an audience that doesn't truly know the situation, but I'm having trouble with it.