Writing question

[Guest]

Awwww... I love you, Fem

Love you too, beautiful

 

[kendo1]

Not joking or trying to annoy you. The context of the story might make a big difference, but out of context as it is, the first thing that popped to mind when it said, "I picked up a different bottle" was some sort of glass bottle--maybe a beer bottle? I had no idea till I got to the antidepressant part that it was a bottle of pills.

An obvious thought.

Pass the bottle.

Ken

 

[LadyCibelle]

Not joking or trying to annoy you. The context of the story might make a big difference, but out of context as it is, the first thing that popped to mind when it said, "I picked up a different bottle" was some sort of glass bottle--maybe a beer bottle? I had no idea till I got to the antidepressant part that it was a bottle of pills.

Thanks 3113.....I see where it could be confusing.

Look up, the whole thing is there......is it as confusing?

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[LadyCibelle]

Awwww... I love you, Fem

I love you too, Fem.

 

[Guest]

I love you too, Fem.

I love you too, Lady C

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[kendo1]

For me it's a context problem. "The next bottles..." indicates that some pills were already taken. I assume that is mentioned earlier in the story. "...They were the different..." indicates that these pills are a new prescription from the doctor.

Not really confusing, but requires some thought without having the rest of the story for context.

Now that I don't see.
There is no mention of actually imbibing anything.

ken

 

[LadyCibelle]

I got just the opposite. I understood it to be a specificly new pill that was different from what the doctor had given her before.

Go back to my first post....or a few up from yours......you have more <in context>......please I really want to know if it makes sense, confuses the reader etc....

 

[kendo1]

As I thought.

Remove the 'the'.


Next!


Helpful ken

 

[LadyCibelle]

As I thought.

Remove the 'the'.


Next!


Helpful ken

Pfft....of course you HAD to say that.......more fish and chips for you and deep fried mars bar.

 

[kendo1]

Pfft....of course you HAD to say that.......more fish and chips for you and deep fried mars bar.

A racial slur.

I'm from the East coast, I'll have you know.

Ken getting ready for bed.

 

[LadyCibelle]

A racial slur.

I'm from the East coast, I'll have you know.

Ken getting ready for bed.

Sorry for the delay.......I was in the shower.

I'm from the East coast too.....I'll have you know!

 

[SeaCat]

If you read in a story something like

"The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; they were the different kinds of antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’"

What do you understand by it? Are you gonna ask yourself 'different to what'? Or, are you gonna understand that the writer is refering to truly and simply 'different kinds' of antidepressant?

Please, please, answer.....I have an 'argument' running with my husband.


Here's the whole thing....hope you have enough to get the context:

Ouch, what a question.

I think the main problem is not with the wording but in the context. Giving us the entire section does help.

I would maybe change a few things but that is just me.

I picked one up and my stomach sank. The bottle in question had contained thirty pills when it had been prescribed for our son three years ago. He had come home from a ski trip with both legs broken and after they reset them, the doctor had prescribed him some Morphine for the pain. I remember Jason had only taken two or three while the pain was at its worse and the bottle had sat in our medicine cabinet ever since.

Then, there was the bottle of Demerol the doctor had prescribed Joanna for the pain after they tied her tubes two years ago. Joanna had never taken any when I filled the prescription as she said it was making her sleepy and the pain wasn’t so bad anyway.

The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; they were the different kinds of antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’ a few years back. Every time, I had filled a full prescription and only taken a few to find out they were making me sicker than not taking them.

Maybe changing the last paragraph to something like:

The next few pill filled bottles didn't help to change my mood. These were the different Anti-Depressants the doctors had tried on me several years ago when I came down with a case of the "Blues". Each time they had done this I had filled the prescription and taken a few of the pills only to find they had made me feel worse than not taking them.

Okay so it's not the best.

Cat

 

[BustyLaTarte]

Or what about: "The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; each held a different antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’ a few years back."

Maybe a little change like that might make things less ambiguous?

 

[FallingToFly]

You're joking, trying to annoy me or did you think it was different kind of bottles?

Truthfully, my first thought was someone was gettig tanked.

The whole sentence reads wrong in my head- I know, technically, that it's correct, but it seems very unweildy. Maybe rewrite it?

 

[LadyCibelle]

Cat, Busty,

I think you've both saved my life and my story. You've given me some ideas how to reformulate what I'm trying to say there.......you know what; it's probably going to be even better than I thought.

 

[LadyCibelle]

Truthfully, my first thought was someone was gettig tanked.

The whole sentence reads wrong in my head- I know, technically, that it's correct, but it seems very unweildy. Maybe rewrite it?

Yup Flutterbug, That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'll play around with it some more as it's an integral part of my story.....but with those ideas thrown at me I'm pretty sure it's gonna be even better now.

 

[BustyLaTarte]

Cat, Busty,

I think you've both saved my life and my story. You've given me some ideas how to reformulate what I'm trying to say there.......you know what; it's probably going to be even better than I thought.

Happy to be of service

 

[Boxlicker101]

If you read in a story something like

"The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; they were the different kinds of antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’"

What do you understand by it? Are you gonna ask yourself 'different to what'? Or, are you gonna understand that the writer is refering to truly and simply 'different kinds' of antidepressant?

Please, please, answer.....I have an 'argument' running with my husband.


Here's the whole thing....hope you have enough to get the context:

I would understand it to mean that, over a course of time, the doctor had suggested or prescribed several different brands of pills and you still had them, and looked at the bottles that contained the pills. I would never ask myself "Different to what" although I might say different from what.

If this part of a narrative, I would say "various brands" to eliminate any confusion that might arise.

 

[Weird Harold]

Sorry for the delay.......I was in the shower.

Now you're just trying to distract us from the question.

I picked one up and my stomach sank. The bottle in question had contained thirty pills when it had been prescribed for our son three years ago. He had come home from a ski trip with both legs broken and after they reset them, the doctor had prescribed him some Morphine for the pain. I remember Jason had only taken two or three while the pain was at its worse Worst and the bottle had sat in our medicine cabinet ever since.

Then, there was the bottle of Demerol the doctor had prescribed Joanna for the pain after they tied her tubes two years ago. Joanna had never taken any when I filled the prescription as she said it was making her sleepy and the pain wasn’t so bad anyway.

The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; they were the different kinds of antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’ a few years back. Every time, I had filled a full prescription and only taken a few to find out they were making me sicker than not taking them.

Just in passing, you need to correct the Worse/Worst comparison.

In context, the sentence in question is understandable, but still ambiguous. Part of the anbiguity for me is that th sentence starts talking about his mood not getting better and ends talking about different kinds of antidepressant which made the narrator sicker than not taking them. It gives the impression that the narrator is actually taking the pills rather than just inventorying the contents of the medicine cabinet.

I wasn't confused at all about the existance of several different antidepressants, just with what they had to do with the change in mood.

I would start the sentence with The next few bottles I picked up... to emphasize that the narrator has gone from examining single bottles to multiple bottles with similar contents.

Iwould also change the different kinds of antidepressant to several kinds of antidepressants

 

[LadyCibelle]

Now you're just trying to distract us from the question.



Just in passing, you need to correct the Worse/Worst comparison.

In context, the sentence in question is understandable, but still ambiguous. Part of the anbiguity for me is that th sentence starts talking about his mood not getting better and ends talking about different kinds of antidepressant which made the narrator sicker than not taking them. It gives the impression that the narrator is actually taking the pills rather than just inventorying the contents of the medicine cabinet.

I wasn't confused at all about the existance of several different antidepressants, just with what they had to do with the change in mood.

I would start the sentence with The next few bottles I picked up... to emphasize that the narrator has gone from examining single bottles to multiple bottles with similar contents.

Iwould also change the different kinds of antidepressant to several kinds of antidepressants

Thank WH,

It's still in draft so there are multiple errors everywhere that I haven't corrected. If you saw the whole story I'm sure you'd find plenty of instances where I put the wrong word or wrong form of it without noticing.

Good thing I have a few pair of eyes to go over my stories once they're finished or I'd be ready to be tarred and feathered otherwise.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

If you read in a story something like

"The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; they were the different kinds of antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’"

Lady C,
I read this line again this morning and even with all the other posts I can see nothing wrong with it other than I would have made "antidepressant" plural.

Maybe the difference is I've been on antidepressants and have a different understanding of this sentence.

 

[LadyCibelle]

Lady C,
I read this line again this morning and even with all the other posts I can see nothing wrong with it other than I would have made "antidepressant" plural.

Maybe the difference is I've been on antidepressants and have a different understanding of this sentence.

Probably the same reason why it was clear to me too, Jenny.
But, since it won't change anything in the story if I change, apart from not confusing readers, I see no reason not to submit to the general concensus and rephrase my sentence.

Really, it's no big deal.

 

[CharleyH]

If you read in a story something like

"The next bottles I picked up didn’t do any better for my mood; they were the different kinds of antidepressant the doctor had tried on me when I came up with a case of the ‘blues’"

What do you understand by it? Are you gonna ask yourself 'different to what'? Or, are you gonna understand that the writer is refering to truly and simply 'different kinds' of antidepressant?

Please, please, answer.....I have an 'argument' running with my husband.


Here's the whole thing....hope you have enough to get the context:

I personally would be more concerned with why the doctor "had tried on me when I came up with a case of the blues." That just screams PORN!"

I do get that they are pills right off the bat and considering the previous paragraph.