Writing lab

[NotWise]

My latest story is Her Dream House. It's a reasonably short read, and about as close to a stroker as I'm likely to write. It just slipped off the EC hub where it was fairly well-received, so it seems like a good time to come here and ask for your reactions.

In short (and without giving much away), it's about a woman who seduces a slightly younger man by relating five sexual fantasies. The story turned into a writing experiment. It contains some features that I've never used before and even criticized other writers for using.

So please, put on your white lab coats and your safety glasses, give the story a read, and tell me what you think of my experiment.

 

[LWulf]

Hmm. Technically, it was fine. You used a varying amount of senses to make the reader feel like they are there in the moment, and convey your thoughts well, but overall, it lacked something. Maybe it lacked for intensity. It seemed more drummed up, rather than arousing. Like your heart(on) wasn't really into it.

If you spoke more about what you were experimenting with, it might be easier to see, and say whether you achieved it, or missed. Beyond that, I don't know if I can be of any help.

 

[NotWise]

If you spoke more about what you were experimenting with, it might be easier to see, and say whether you achieved it, or missed. Beyond that, I don't know if I can be of any help.

I can do that.

Anonymous protagonists. Usually when I see anonymous protagonists it's in a new author's stroke vignette and they haven't done anything to build the characters. I've complained about it before, but in this case anonymous sex is one of the kinks in the story.

Present tense. I've never cared for reading anything in present tense, but the woman relates her fantasies in first person, simple present tense. I did that partly to give her a distinct voice and partly to produce the effect that the fantasy happened to her as she spoke. I intentionally avoided present perfect. It distracted me.

Dialogue tags. After the beginning of the story the dialogue is largely tag-free. Within the last few months, several other authors have talked about their experience reducing or eliminating dialogue tags. It's hard. Tags seemed to clutter the story, so I tried it just to find out how it might work. I didn't write completely without them, but after the beginning it's mostly tag-free.

 

[gordo12]

Great concept, well written. I gave it 5*.

I read it yesterday and thought about it overnight. The one thing in the story that I got stuck on was motivation.

I had a hard time understanding why she would just launch off talking about her fantasies to someone she doesn't know. That seemed a little bizarre. In my experience fantasies are something you share with someone you're known for a while. Or at least a warm up, you know dinner, drinks, dancing. Even clubbing is a form of that.

I mean if she wanted to just fuck him she didn't need to do all that explaining. Guys are easy that way.

I could have seen it if they had sat and talked for a while but the story would have been much longer.

Anyway other than that I enjoyed it.

 

[NotWise]

Great concept, well written. I gave it 5*.

I read it yesterday and thought about it overnight. The one thing in the story that I got stuck on was motivation.

Thanks, and good point.

The story actually originated from a mental image I woke up with in the middle of the night. Younger woman sits down in a darkened place across from an older man and, without so much as an introduction, she starts relating her fantasies.

Things changed quite a bit on the way to the story, but her motivation wasn't part of the inspiration, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it's unclear. Her intent is to build that new room in her Dream House.

 

[gordo12]

Her intent is to build that new room in her Dream House.

I did get that at the end but the why in the beginning detracted from it. Still, I can't think of way to have handled it upfront. Anyway good (and unique) story.

 

[yukonnights]

NotWise, Just read you story and I'm impressed. I'm just going to copy the comment I left on the story itself.
***

I wandered over after reading your post on the Feedback Forum. I think you pulled off a nice experiment in a more streamlined style. The prose itself read well and is very easy to follow.

As EB mentioned, the "Dream House" was a nice platform to launch these somewhat random "fantasies" off of.

There was some mention on the Feedback discussion about a lack of believable motivation for the female protagonist to enter such an intimate conversation and the ensuing intimacy. While I too see that, I do think it could have been at least somewhat resolved by emphasizing during the first part of the conversation after they sat down in the dark, these two things; 1) She asks a couple of times that this really is the janitor's last night working there — and, 2) just a touch more emphasis on the fact it is dark and hard to see each other. These two things, if made more important, would give her the cover to let herself go where she wouldn't normally go. (that's not a nit-pic, just a thought on another comment.) I, for one, am glad to see such experiments and I applaud your effort.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There was some mention on the Feedback discussion about a lack of believable motivation for the female protagonist to enter such an intimate conversation and the ensuing intimacy. While I too see that, I do think it could have been at least somewhat resolved by emphasizing during the first part of the conversation after they sat down in the dark, these two things; 1) She asks a couple of times that this really is the janitor's last night working there — and, 2) just a touch more emphasis on the fact it is dark and hard to see each other.

I thought the blackout was an obvious short-cut to her intimate disclosure - and needed no further "justification." Probably because I used a similar technique in my follow-on to my 750 Word Anthology story, where there's a blackout and a storm.

Maybe I get away with it because I write what could well be dreams, but nobody has raised any concerns when I fast-track to intimacy with strangers. I'm not quite sure I understand this notion that erotic fantasy always has to have a "credible" basis. It's fantasy, innit?

 

[lovecraft68]

I liked it, and I'm like you in the sense I just can't write a stroker nor am I a fan in general. For me, if I can't know something of the character and there is no conflict or 'why' I can't get into it.

But your spin made not knowing part of the actual story so you made it work.

I've tried similar experiments so I can appreciate what you did and how you carried it off. Its a challenge to take something you're not personally a fan of, but try anyway and put your personal mark on it which I felt you did.

 

[SimonDoom]

NotWise, I thought this was an excellent story.

It was very well crafted -- both the blackout and the whole concept of "her dream house" were well-conceived and perfectly set up the story.

The dialogue was good. The way you handled the tags was fine. I had no difficulty following the dialogue. I enjoyed the way they talked to each other.

I enjoyed the dreamlike, fantasy quality of the story. You reveal some of the two characters, but not much. The element of mystery is good. It ends on just the right note.

I would have done just one thing a little differently: emphasize the nonconsent/final fantasy a bit more. Foreshadow it a bit early on, then draw it out a bit longer in the end. That was the best part of the story -- the merging of present reality with her dream house. I would have then published the story to the nonconsent category. I think you would have gotten a larger audience. I'm generally not a big fan of nonconsent stories, but this one was just right and very erotic.

Nice job!

 

[NotWise]

Thanks for the help, guys.

Present tense seems to have a role, and anonymity has a place.

I thought that reducing the dialogue tags was hard to do, but it might be worth it. It changes the way action and dialogue are arranged, because, without the tag, action needs to direct attention to the speaker, instead of having a dialogue tag yank it there. I also found that I use tags as a way of bridging between dialogue and simultaneous or immediately subsequent action, and there was at least one place in the story where I decided to keep the tag just for that reason.

My beta reader was a woman (thanks, Belle) and she understood the woman's motivation without a problem. Based on my sample of one, I wonder if women might follow the FMC's thinking more easily than men.

EC hasn't been my favorite category for a long time now, and I considered putting it in non-con. I've never published anything in non-con, so I didn't know how well they'd take it. Even though the climax plays out as non-con, it isn't *really* non-con, since the woman actually sets it up and then makes it happen.

 

[SimonDoom]

Even though the climax plays out as non-con, it isn't *really* non-con, since the woman actually sets it up and then makes it happen.

You're right, so it raises the issue of where to put it, but my thinking is this: While it may be set-up non-con, the erotic appeal of the story is non-con. The woman is setting him up to fulfill her non-con fantasy, so you can enjoy that non-con aspect of it. But you also can enjoy the non-con from the man's point of view, since the story is told from his point of view. And, to me at least, that's the spiciest part of the story. That moment where she wants him to take her but she can't tell him and he pauses because he knows, or thinks he knows, what she wants, but she's not going to say it and he has to take her anyway -- that's the most delicious moment in the story, and that's non-con.

Anyway, regardless of category, it's a very good story.

 

[NotWise]

You're right, so it raises the issue of where to put it, but my thinking is this: While it may be set-up non-con, the erotic appeal of the story is non-con. The woman is setting him up to fulfill her non-con fantasy, so you can enjoy that non-con aspect of it. But you also can enjoy the non-con from the man's point of view, since the story is told from his point of view. And, to me at least, that's the spiciest part of the story. That moment where she wants him to take her but she can't tell him and he pauses because he knows, or thinks he knows, what she wants, but she's not going to say it and he has to take her anyway -- that's the most delicious moment in the story, and that's non-con.

Anyway, regardless of category, it's a very good story.

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind for future stories.

 

[ElectricBlue]

That moment where she wants him to take her but she can't tell him and he pauses because he knows, or thinks he knows, what she wants, but she's not going to say it and he has to take her anyway -- that's the most delicious moment in the story, and that's non-con.

I guess I don't understand some definitions of non-con, then. The circumstances - two consenting adults in a sexually charged atmosphere, in the dark, engaging in sexual story telling, both wanting something more to happen, both of them free to leave at any time? Where's the reluctance or non-consent in any of that? That's willing tease and taunt and take me.

It would never occur to me to put this in non-con, there's no coercion (which I know is too simplistic just on its own, so don't shoot me). To say this is a non-con piece is over-thinking the set-up, surely? It's a dream fantasy piece, it doesn't need a written contract, "explicit consent within." That's putting far too much baggage onto a small hand-cart. I'm glad NotWise did put it into EC - I wouldn't have read it was in non-con (which would have been my loss) - but really?

 

[gordo12]

I guess I don't understand some definitions of non-con, then. The circumstances - two consenting adults in a sexually charged atmosphere, in the dark, engaging in sexual story telling, both wanting something more to happen, both of them free to leave at any time? Where's the reluctance or non-consent in any of that? That's willing tease and taunt and take me.

It would never occur to me to put this in non-con, there's no coercion (which I know is too simplistic just on its own, so don't shoot me). To say this is a non-con piece is over-thinking the set-up, surely? It's a dream fantasy piece, it doesn't need a written contract, "explicit consent within." That's putting far too much baggage onto a small hand-cart. I'm glad NotWise did put it into EC - I wouldn't have read it was in non-con (which would have been my loss) - but really?

All the talk of non-con had me wondering if I'd misread a section or missed something. I certainly don't remember anything that would qualify? At least by the definitions I hold.

 

[SimonDoom]

All the talk of non-con had me wondering if I'd misread a section or missed something. I certainly don't remember anything that would qualify? At least by the definitions I hold.

Her last fantasy, her agenda, the last dream house room she tells him about, is about being taken without her consent. She wants the protagonist to take her without her saying so. When he doesn't seem to get it, she says she's going to put her panties back on. But he gets it, won't let her, takes them away, and then takes her, without her giving verbal consent. It's fantasy nonconsent, since in fact she does want him to take her and she is signaling that, but that IS what the fantasy is, and, to me at least, it's by far the most erotic part of the story. It's what everything else has led up to. He has fulfilled her agenda by taking her without her verbally consenting to being taken.

So, I think in that sense the story works well as a nonconsent story, even if it doesn't have some of the details that people are accustomed to in other nonconsent stories.