Writing Challenge ~ February 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

Britwitch

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WRITING CHALLENGE REVIEW THREAD ~ FEBRUARY 2011​

Just a few little rules for this thread:-

• This thread is for comments and reviews only. Submissions go here!

• Please keep your comments focused on the pieces posted for this month’s challenge only, this is not really intended to be a thread for conversation/flirting/mayhem and so on (Sorry to be a bore!). Writers should be able to find reviews/comments for their pieces without having to trawl through pages of banter (no matter how amusing/sexy it might be!) :)

Readers/Reviewers:- Please keep your comments and reviews polite and, wherever possible, positive. If you have constructive criticism or advice for writers please do give it but be polite about it! You don’t have to like everything you read but if you really don’t have anything nice to say about something then I would suggest you refrain from posting. And if all you want to say is you liked a piece and no more…that’s great too! We all know how writers like to be appreciated! ;)

Authors:- Please take constructive criticism as it is intended, as an attempt at improving possible flaws/problems/areas of confusion in your piece. They are not (hopefully!) personal attacks on you or your work.

• This is supposed to be a fun way to get to know new writers and potential partners, to exercise our writing brains, it’s not a competition, please keep that in mind!

• One more thing…suggestions for future prompts should be PM’d to me – Britwitch

Previous challenges and reviews can be found here.

Happy reading!
 
Just read Ausus' entry. Very well done, short but that works very well in this case. She did a good job of capturing the stream of consciousness that might go through one's head in a moment like that.
 
Untitled ~ Ausus_girl13

Short but oh so bittersweet and gorgeous.
Loved it, from beginning to end it had me hooked.

The repetition of 'gay' really hammered home how he felt, lost in an endless circle, even more so when next to the still waters.
At least, that's how I read it :)

Wonderful stuff! And first submission for February - woo hoo! :D
 
I'm working on the plot for my entry. Not gonna be large, but I hope it'll be good.
 
His Spot ~ Last_Rider

Awww, so sad. That last sentence was perfect. You kept up the mystery behind his despair right up until the last second and now I'm left wondering why he threw it away...did she say no? Was there some awful, tragic accident...? Was she not who he thought she was...?
Damn, another short but perfect example of great writing!!



And Niri...am sure it'll be awesome!
 
Rider, I totally got chills. That was awesome!

Oh and thanks for the kudos, Rider and Brit!
 
I had my own thoughts behind why he tossed it away, but I'd rather not say. I like the element of mystery, and in this case I think whatever your personal feeling is works just fine for an ending.

And thank you both for your comments :)
 
Ausus_girl13, I -adored- your story. It was deep, it was intense. The repetative use of "Gay." really drove home the story.

Short.
Simple.
Intense.

I've been there, I've helped people that's been there.

Loooved it~.
 
Ausus, that was beautiful. It tugged at the heart strings, and made me want to protect him. It was sad..but with a little glint of hope towards the end. I thought it was beautiful, and the language was gorgeous.

Last Rider, thank you for making me cry. I thought that it was so sad. I just have this image of a lonely cowboy always standing at that spot now, looking out at the spot he tossed the ring into and always wondering. Beautifully done. And the imagery was was heart breaking.
 
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Wow... I actually interpreted LR's story a lot more morbid.
That probably says something about me, but also quite a lot about your ability to write.

Nice job.
 
Yeah, I also found LR's story rather morbid, but I also quite liked it.
It had a nice flow, good language, and I didn't find any faults or flaws when I read through it.

All in all, a good read. Kudos!
 
Parting is such sweet sorrow

Just read Sally's entry. I like that it was told from an outside point of view, given that the other two have taken the perspective of the man on the dock. A very well done bit, the emotion seemed genuine and this whole group seems to have a very good grasp of stream of consciousness writing.
 
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STG's "Mermaids"

I liked the premise of this story, and the descirption of the mermaids and their rescue was well done. I felt the setting was a little confused, specifically the time, but I freely admit that might just be me. I liked the ending as well, something about charging headlong into almost certain death for love.
 
Ausus -

I really like how you start and end with the water, has a very cyclical feel to it. The 'flashbacks' work very well throughout. There is a very good internal struggle going on inside of him. With the picture and your writing i can almost imagine him rocking forward and back on the last two planks of the peer in his cowboy boots ready to plunge over the edge.

Last Rider -

First of all. Great imagery. The lighting from the picture contrasts the silver (that's how i picture the ring) on black leather. It really worked for me. The best thing about your excerpt is just that, it is an excerpt from someone's life who is probably real, and probably thought all of those things just as you described them. I feel like i was dropped into the middle of a story, and need to read the rest.

Sally -

Without a doubt you use the environment more thoroughly than anyone else. Going beyond the water to the darkness, sun, and even the birds and gravel (it's tires, not tyres!) toward the end. The emotions too, were present and real, not artistically felt, but rather BAM, in your face. I certainly would like to read more of this story, if there was any.

SeaUrchin -

Great ideas, but the first 2/3's of the story are far too rushed. Not only in writing them (some spell check errors) but also just in storytelling. You need to slow down, and to try not to add so much into one little blurb. Now, the final third was better, still a little rushed, but it had a very folksy feel to it. I hope that was what you were aiming for, because that part certainly connected with the picture much better than the first 2/3's. Hope this was some help!
 
Sally -

Without a doubt you use the environment more thoroughly than anyone else. Going beyond the water to the darkness, sun, and even the birds and gravel (it's tires, not tyres!) toward the end. The emotions too, were present and real, not artistically felt, but rather BAM, in your face. I certainly would like to read more of this story, if there was any.

PG, where I live, the things that keep the car from the road are tyres. Tires is a word used to describe someone getting weaker. Since Sally is Ireland, I suspect that the Irish spell it the same way as the Australians do.

Get's down off the soap box before rotten fruit comes my way.
 
We're not allowed to be silly, but I just can't resist.

You are all living in America, ya'll just don't know it yet.

Anyways I was totally aware of that. It was just a bit of teasing.
 
Just read f33k's. The sole quasi criticism I could level is that of the physical structure. I might break it up into a more rhythmic flow given the wonderful lyrical rhythm. Beyond that extremely minor thing, excellent.
 
Here's my ten cents, its my opinion, nothing more.

Ausus:
Short, punchy, and poignant. This type of structure can often go horribly wrong - you pulled it off. I liked it.

L R
A nice, introspective piece, that pulled the reader in, and made them want to find out more. I see others have suggested its morbid... I didn't get that. Yes there is a definite bleakness, but that was the point. If we had no sorrow, how would we measure joy? I enjoyed it.

SeaUrchin:
The sheer incongruousness of a cowboy believing in mermaids made me smile, and encouraged me to read the entire piece to see where you were going with it, and you tied it back in at the end, with him swimming out to sea.

I thought you gave perhaps a little too much time to the insurrection / show down at sea part. If you'd padded your first and last parts a little, and tightened up the centre part, I think it would have more balance.

A spell check and a greater use of punctuation, particularly commas would make reading easier.

A very imaginative piece and an original take!

PG
Short, sharp and dark. I liked the imagery of the lake as a mirror. To me, there is a dark finality to it... a fading into nothingness... almost deathly. That may or may not have been your intention, but that was how it made me feel. I liked it.

fr33ks33k
I really enjoyed your contribution. I loved your use of alliteration to immediate slow the reader down. Great use of vocabulary to illustrate the point of the piece. Reflections, muddied waters, plumbing the depths, hauling the nets etc. Its going to make me look at fishermen in a whole new light!!

I disagree with Rider's view though, about breaking it up more. Had it been any longer, I think you would have needed to do just that, but as it is, I think you just away with it.
 
Sally -

Without a doubt you use the environment more thoroughly than anyone else. Going beyond the water to the darkness, sun, and even the birds and gravel (it's tires, not tyres!) toward the end. The emotions too, were present and real, not artistically felt, but rather BAM, in your face. I certainly would like to read more of this story, if there was any.

Yeah, yeah, yeah..... I know!! I must bastardise my English!!! :D

*ducks to avoid sudden hail of rotten eggs, tomatoes and other missiles from offended Yanks!!

Sorry guys, just kidding!

I shall put it more eloquently, in the words of my fellow Irishman, George Bernard Shaw:

"England and America are two countries separated by a common language."
 
PG
Short, sharp and dark. I liked the imagery of the lake as a mirror. To me, there is a dark finality to it... a fading into nothingness... almost deathly. That may or may not have been your intention, but that was how it made me feel. I liked it.

Thanks. There is no particularly exact meaning that i intended for it. In fact, I sometimes get something new out of it when i look at it again. Glad you enjoyed.

Freek -

The opening line is wonderful, it reminds me largely of Hugo Weaving in V for Vendetta, and that alone was worth reading it. It's very unique in so far being the more abstractly done pieces, and certainly made me think a little bit more just about life in general. It is also quite heartening as well, particularly the last line, I certainly wish I could view life the same way as what you've written. An excellent job!
 
Posted my entry. It's not the best I've ever written, but I thought I'd write something a little happier.
 
FF. I just read your entry.It stopped my breath. I have no words. It was breathtaking . It brought me to soft silent tears...:rose:
 
Cosmic Knight -

Turning 'her' into the sun was an exceptionally good touch. For some reason I knew it was going to be sad the moment I started reading, and it was almost too easy to imagine the tears falling from his eyes into the placid lake. The last question was a little confusing but once I read it twice it made more sense. Kind of a rush of questions, the crescendo, before the last note. Speaking of which I thought it was very well paced. The entire excerpt also seemed like it was constructed from past experience, and if it was I hope things have worked out.

fuckmeat -

At first I was like... Did she post in the wrong thread? That dumb cunt... But then I realized it was just your fucked-up-ness that pervades all you do. What can I say? That was fun to read, it was easy to be there, not watching, but doing. I know it's not just a flighty fantasy for you, and it'll happen sometime soon. It went from cute little fuck toy to a burning car and carcass. Some people might puke, but it was fun as hell to read! Also the burning car brought to mind the burning sun, perched right above the cowboys head in the picture, and that wasn't the only connection with the picture. Since the silhouette is black and featureless it makes sense that so too is Alexander, easily replaced by any other... Sadistic motherfucker out there.
 
Thanks for the kind words. I'm amazed by the variety of perspectives that this one picture can evoke, far beyond the typical emotion associated with a sunset. I've enjoyed reading everyone's entries, and find it hard to add anything in the way of criticism, constructive or otherwise.
 
CK
Beautifully written, poignant piece. I really enjoyed it.

Fuckmeat
Excellently written, though the subject matter may not be to everyone's taste, I liked it. Timing, pacing, balance, all excellent, as always.

Nitrate
I was a little worried when the blindfolded girl was being driven by her boyfriend, having read FMs piece directly before, I thought the beautiful lake might turn out to be a dumping point for bodies!! Just kidding.

Nicely written, uplifting piece, which moved along at a good pace. I enjoyed it.
 
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