Writer seeking feedback

[Yshomatsu]

Hello everyone I've been a member of Lit for a while but until recently I never thought of writing my own stories. After I posted my first story I was expecting to hear negative feedback more than positive, however I only received two "please cont." While those comments bring a smile to a writer's face they don't point out areas to improve or where I excelled.

I was hoping to reach out and get some constructive feedback. (I am writing a 2nd chapter and have submitted another story waiting to be approved or declined)
My story is a nonhuman story with a Succubus and can be found at http://www.literotica.com/s/yshomatsu-and-the-succubus If anyone is interested in helping me out

Thank you for your time,
Yshomatsu

 

[sr71plt]

You did well to post a request for reading and critique here. This is a reading site, not a critique site, so there really should be no expectation of receiving critique unless you specifically ask for it. Hope you get some. I have no expertise in succubi myself, though.

 

[Darkniciad]

I only skimmed, as I'm too brain-drained tonight to really get into a story and give a deep critique.

I noticed a couple of typos, quite a few places where commas would have helped, some improper capitalization in quotes, etc.

The beginning is a little dry. To me, there's not quite enough action to offset the background in those first few paragraphs. The narraration throughout also reads a little stilted to me, which contributes to this. It didn't grab me right from the beginning and pull me in, but I've already said that I'm brain-drained tonight, so my mileage there might vary when I'm fresher.

One thing that really stood out to me overall was that most of the story gives an other-worldly feel, while the dialogue from the characters reads very modern. It clashed for me. I feel like you either need to establish that this is a parallel earth situation set in the equivelent of modern times where the dialogue is more appropriate, or bring the dialogue more in line with the world that I was seeing.

Judging it as a stand-alone story, the ending doesn't do the trick. There's not enough closure. If this was meant to be chapter 1 of an ongoing story, then you're at a good breaking point to move on to the next chapter.

Unfortunately, that's all I've got tonight. I'm just too beat to delve deeper. Hope you find something of value

 

[Yshomatsu]

I agree with you it's just about time to turn in my brain is ready to shut off. Thank you for taking the time to skim it, I had intended to write more chapters at the time. I also agree that the story seemed rushed after I posted it and I'm taking more time to write the next part. I didn't wait for an editor or do a great job going over it myself before I posted it, a mistake I hope not to repeat.

As for the other-wordly feel, I hadn't thought of that, thank you from bring that to my attention. I'll have to make sure I address that for ch 2.

I'm going to turn in for the night before my spelling gets real bad from lack of sleep. Thank you both for replying. (sr71plt hopefuly I branch out in the future into subjects you enjoy)

 

[elfin_odalisque]

You did well to post a request for reading and critique here. This is a reading site, not a critique site, so there really should be no expectation of receiving critique unless you specifically ask for it. Hope you get some. I have no expertise in succubi myself, though.

You anally retentive throwback! The guy asked for feedback isn't that in simple language 'reading and critique' - neither of which you offered, perhaps you have a language problem.

This forum is not a 'reading' forum, it is a 'feedback' forum and you are just the pirhana that destroys the the whole purpose.

 

[Yshomatsu]

You anally retentive throwback! The guy asked for feedback isn't that in simple language 'reading and critique' - neither of which you offered, perhaps you have a language problem.

This forum is not a 'reading' forum, it is a 'feedback' forum and you are just the pirhana that destroys the the whole purpose.

A little harsh don't you think. Considering the fact that you bash on someone for something you, yourself didn't do. Your post sadly is less helpful than the person you're bashing

 

[manyeyedhydra]

A little harsh don't you think. Considering the fact that you bash on someone for something you, yourself didn't do. Your post sadly is less helpful than the person you're bashing

Old wars. There are a few of those bubbling away in the forums. Best to stay neutral

Oh, and shame on me. I said I was going to take a look at this when you emailed me a while back and then it slipped my mind. I'll try and rectify that tonight.

 

[kinkosity]

Watch your tenses. You went from past to present tense. Also, you use homophones mistakeningly (like "straitening" instead of "straightening" or "feint" when it should be "faint".)

Seeing his fellow monks Yshomatsu entered the dream to find chained to the walls of the cavern.

Bit of a clunky line; I had to read the whole paragraph to make sure you meant the monks were chained to the cavern wall. Of course, you may have just forgotten a "them" in there to indicate the monks were, in fact, chained.

A thin tail writhed like a serpent between her legs.

Is the tail actually between her legs or does it come out from the base of her spine?

An even more pungent odor filled the cave, piercing Yshomatsu's nostrils with gilded fish hooks as she reeled in her helpless prey. It was the damnable mist he thought. Only this new odor was coming from a much closer source. The Succubus' gapping nether lips tingled with thoughts of corrupting this monk. Filling the air around them with deep lust filled desire, created by her arousal. Every breath he took filled his lungs with a cloying perfume that sapped his strength and filled his mind with unwholesome images.

This paragraph is an example of when you could really use great word choice. Do you want the odor to seem pleasant? Intoxicating? Pungent and fish hooks kind of...put me in the mind that it's a disgusting smell, which kind of ruins the sexiness of the succubus. That may be a personal thing, though, since I'm putting a negative feel on the word pungent. I still feel there are sexier feeling words (that sounds silly, I know...) that could be used.

"Ahhhh!" he screamed, tongue hanging out of his mouth from his bodies' sensor overload.

Oh lord. I'm sorry, this line made me laugh. Anywhoo, you don't need to dialogue a scream. Just say he screamed. I'd cut out the bit about the tongue; it seems over-the-top and unrealistic. Also, it's not bodies' it'd be body's...unless Yshomatsu's reality-bound body is also reacting?

Okay, okay, okay, I'm done pointing things out. I'm sorry if I seem extremely picky.

I did enjoy the story, it was a good and entertaining read. I know it may not seem like it, after I picked out the bits that I did, but I sincerely did enjoy reading it. You have an interesting character and I'll like seeing where this story heads. =)

 

[Yshomatsu]

Manyeyedhydra I know you're busy and you always get back to me at some point haha all is forgiven =P

Kinkosity I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for pointing out the errors of my ways. I hope to have ch 2 finished this year hehe maybe I'll get lucky and find a steady editor also

 

[Darkniciad]

You're not going to find a greater authority on your genre than manyeyedhydra Consider anything he disagrees with me on as officially ceded to his knowledge and experience

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Nice succubus story. She's got the right sultry-evil vibe.

I emailed some more detailed comments.

I agree with Dark about the start. It's a temptation to load up a fantasy/sci fi story with background. Online, most people won't go past the first couple of paragraphs. The start needs a snap to draw people in. Once they're in and reading, you can fill out the background at a better pace as the story progresses.

The typo/tense shift/assorted grammar error count is a little too high. If you can collar one of the volunteer editors they might be able to help.

The ending needs a little more foreshadowing. It's a surprise, but maybe too unexpected. That kind of thing is tricky to pull off without blowing the surprise.

Setup nicely for Ch2 anyway. Best of luck with the series.

 

[Yshomatsu]

I have to admit it was Manyeyedhydra that sparked my interest in writing for this exotic site. I have plans to go back to college for writing, I hope to continue to improve as time goes on. I really do need to work on my tenses in the mean time, as for my grammar you’d be surprised if you knew how bad I was a few years ago haha

 

[Yshomatsu]

I posted CH 2 of the story. Those of you that gave me feedback go see if I learned anything =P

http://www.literotica.com/s/yshomatsu-and-the-succubus-ch-02