Would you want your S.O. to tell you they'd been faking it?

[SweetErika]

Inspired by another thread...

Let's say your significant other had been faking orgasms because they were having trouble, and didn't know what else to do or want you to feel bad about your skills.

Now they've decided to try to address the causes of the problems in positive ways (learning about themselves, communicating with you, trying new things, teaching you, etc.), but are struggling with whether they should tell you outright they've been faking it all along.

Do you think it'd be better to hear what boils down to, "I've been faking it with you the whole time because of X, Y and Z," or for them to just stop faking and take steps that will hopefully lead to real orgasms?

How do you think the more blunt approach might affect you personally, and your relationship?

I'm not sure what I'd do yet, so it'll be great to hear some opinions!

 

[human_male]

I'd be totally crestfallen if someone I'd been sleeping with told me that. I'd wonder why she felt she had to lie and why she didn't feel she could be honest with me from the start. Not to sound hard on you Erika, that's just what I'm like. Plus I'd think, great, all those hours and hours, upon hours of foreplay and oral and you mean to tell me you weren't getting anything from it?

Perhapse it'd be better not to tell him if there's a way you could improve the situation. I dunno, something like "you know, I love it when you do that but I'd REALLY love it if you did this..." and then show him what to do. Y'know, work through it like that. But don't carry on with the situation any longer like it is because it'll be worse if you do eventually have to tell him plus you should be having some fun too.

And let this be a lesson to you young lady.

 

[EJFan]

i'd want to know. i don't think i'd take it well, regardless of how it was presented, but i know i'd want to know because in the long run it would be healthier... it would be something we could work through together, something that would bring us closer, something that would heighten our level of communication and trust.

i think that no matter how you present it it's going to be a touchy thing in one way or another (not just with the ego). telling your SO you've been faking is like meeting them at the door after a long day at work and telling them their dog died.

 

[pleasteasme]

i'd want to know. i don't think i'd take it well, regardless of how it was presented, but i know i'd want to know because in the long run it would be healthier... it would be something we could work through together, something that would bring us closer, something that would heighten our level of communication and trust.

i think that no matter how you present it it's going to be a touchy thing in one way or another (not just with the ego). telling your SO you've been faking is like meeting them at the door after a long day at work and telling them their dog died.

Ummmm, EJ... I think you and I need to talk...

 

[EJFan]

Ummmm, EJ... I think you and I need to talk...

i swear to god i haven't been faking it... honest!

 

[SweetErika]

First off, there's finally a poll, folks. I got distracted and forgot the thread could post before I submitted the poll. Whoopsie.

I'd be totally crestfallen if someone I'd been sleeping with told me that. I'd wonder why she felt she had to lie and why she didn't feel she could be honest with me from the start. Not to sound hard on you Erika, that's just what I'm like. Plus I'd think, great, all those hours and hours, upon hours of foreplay and oral and you mean to tell me you weren't getting anything from it?

Perhapse it'd be better not to tell him if there's a way you could improve the situation. I dunno, something like "you know, I love it when you do that but I'd REALLY love it if you did this..." and then show him what to do. Y'know, work through it like that. But don't carry on with the situation any longer like it is because it'll be worse if you do eventually have to tell him plus you should be having some fun too.

And let this be a lesson to you young lady.

Thanks for your thoughts, HM, though let me be very clear this is a HYPOTHETICAL situation, not a request for advice for myself. I can't say I haven't been tempted to fake it sometimes, but at least in my marriage, the fact that it's perfectly okay not to come makes faking it pointless. There are a bunch of other reasons as well, of course, but no motivation/payoff=no behavior.

Anyway, I like, and would probably be inclined to go with your idea of trying to improve the situation. My hubby said the same thing, that straight honesty might do more harm than good in this situation, tonight when I mentioned this thread.

 

[pleasteasme]

i swear to god i haven't been faking it... honest!

 

[human_male]

First off, there's finally a poll, folks. I got distracted and forgot the thread could post before I submitted the poll. Whoopsie.


Thanks for your thoughts, HM, though let me be very clear this is a HYPOTHETICAL situation, not a request for advice for myself. I can't say I haven't been tempted to fake it sometimes, but at least in my marriage, the fact that it's perfectly okay not to come makes faking it pointless. There are a bunch of other reasons as well, of course, but no motivation/payoff=no behavior.

Anyway, I like, and would probably be inclined to go with your idea of trying to improve the situation. My hubby said the same thing, that straight honesty might do more harm than good in this situation, tonight when I mentioned this thread.

Just a poll for posterity eh? Well fair enough.

 

[SweetErika]

i'd want to know. i don't think i'd take it well, regardless of how it was presented, but i know i'd want to know because in the long run it would be healthier... it would be something we could work through together, something that would bring us closer, something that would heighten our level of communication and trust.

i think that no matter how you present it it's going to be a touchy thing in one way or another (not just with the ego). telling your SO you've been faking is like meeting them at the door after a long day at work and telling them their dog died.

Excellent point, EJ. If the relationship is strong enough and worth continuing, the couple will work through this.

I think the hardest part if I were on the receiving end of the confession would be the fact that my partner lied for so long and didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me the truth earlier. Basically, we'd have to start from scratch with the fundamentals of a good relationship, and building could take a longer time.

Just a poll for posterity eh? Well fair enough.

Something like that.

Or maybe it's a tribute to Pollmeister Silverwhisper. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, you know!

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip> Imitation is the highest form of flattery, you know!

Not when it comes to orgasms. I can't speak for other generations, but my generation of men was raised with the image of James Bond bedding a string of gorgeous co-conspirators and the wisdom of the Playboy Advisor. We learned that to be true men our lovers had to have earth-shattering orgasms nearly every time. Our worth as men became largely (though not entirely, thank you Madison Avenue) a matter of not if we scored but how well we did it. For a lover to have been faking orgasms for a long time with someone who grew up in this environment would be quite hard to take.

That said, we also (eventually) learned the importance of listening, honest communication, and compromise. We learned that it takes work to nurture a relationship. And, despite the rising divorce rates, we learned that it's a worthy goal to make your relationship last on the best possible terms.

So, you ask, what would Yank do? Thirty years ago I would most likely have walked from the relationship because it would have shattered my ego. Today, though, I think I'd be willing to give the let's-fix-this-thing approach a try.

 

[muskokan]

I've faked it a few times just to boost his ego if we fool around when i'm not into it, but he can get me to orgasm when i'm into it. I have told him that I do sometimes and it didn't seem to bother him, he knows how to do it and knows that sometimes, if my head just isn't in the right place it just won't do it for me.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I wouldn't tell him if I'd been faking it for a while. Why? Because then it becomes all about HIS bruised ego, and HIS hurt feelings, and HIS insecurities about his penis and lovemaking skills, and HIS goal-oriented need to get me off, and HIS non-understanding that I had enjoyed the sensations and being with him even without the orgasms, and HIS need for explanations and recriminations...none of which will actually get me to orgasm.

I like the approach of changing the situation by introducing new things, and beginning an education process that would get me there. If questioned, I'd probably say something about hormones changing or wanting to spice things up for both of us, depending on the questions.

 

[SilencedNeeds]

 

[Mazuri]

I'll have to ask my husband, but I know that sometimes, admitting it is part of the solution. My husband and I are coming out of a dark time in our marriage and as part of the healing, we went with total honesty on everything, past and present. "Faking it" came up and we talked our way through it and now faking it is definitely not something that's needed *fans self*

I wouldn't have told him even 4 months ago, though, and would have gone the 'hey, let's try something new' route, though I'm sure he would have noticed the difference. He says he definitely has since we started getting things back on track.

So...while I'm not sure I'd recommend brutal honesty in all cases, in some it's the best thing for the relationship.

 

[Eilan]

telling your SO you've been faking is like meeting them at the door after a long day at work and telling them their dog died.

I called my husband at work to tell him that the dog died. Should I have done things differently?

This isn't exactly on topic, but I've faked exactly one orgasm--the last time my ex and I had sex. I'm not particularly proud of it, but I just wanted to get it over with, and I knew that he'd cum if he thought I had.

I told him about it a couple of weeks later, but I don't think he ever believed me. He thought I was saying it because I was angry at him.

 

[SweetErika]

I've faked it a few times just to boost his ego if we fool around when i'm not into it, but he can get me to orgasm when i'm into it. I have told him that I do sometimes and it didn't seem to bother him, he knows how to do it and knows that sometimes, if my head just isn't in the right place it just won't do it for me.

If he knows you fake it when you're not into it, then what's the point of faking it those times at all? I understand making sounds to add to both of your pleasure, but not going all the way to faking an orgasm when both know it's a charade.

Anyway, would you want to be told if your partner was faking it all along, or would you tell him if you had been faking every time for the duration of your relationship?

 

[Guest]

 

[bobsgirl]

I sure hope my wife would tell me if she had faked it, because she has every right to that pleasure as me. I she's faking, I'd like to know the reason(s), because it would seem that something needs fixing.

MrB said pretty near the same thing. He said he'd wonder why I would feel the need to fake it, and wouldn't it be sad if we couldn't work on it together.

I know he'd have trouble getting past the deception.

 

[Guest]

 

[Mazuri]

I sure hope my wife would tell me if she had faked it, because she has every right to that pleasure as me. I she's faking, I'd like to know the reason(s), because it would seem that something needs fixing.

The reasons can be varied from one night to the next and even in the same night. Sometimes, it starts as not wanting to disappoint the spouse, not in the mood and want it over with, guilt over faking it to begin with which prevents it later on so the lie becomes self-perpetuating. It's hard to break the cycle but if you choose to "come clean" and confess, then it's best to do so in as non-confrontational manner as you can.

When hubby and I talked over things, I told him my reasons without ever once mentioning him: I could not relax/give in enough to orgasm, I didn't want to disappoint him, etc. This way, it kept it from being about his performance and about my own hang-ups. So, we talked. We started working things out. He let me know it was ok to tell him if I wasn't enjoying a certain thing he was doing. And I let him know that I could enjoy sex without orgasm, which he, again, let me know was ok. It was a long, scary, and needed talk, but....faking it is no longer necessary for any reason anymore.

 

[bobsgirl]

I don't think the deception would bother me as much as knowing she wasn't getting the same amount of peasure as me. I so much enjoy seeing the look of pleasure on her face, but it wouldn't matter to me how that pleasure was achieved - meaning from me, from herself, or from a toy.

My first thought when I read this was: I don't have to have an orgasm to enjoy making love. For me it's very much about the journey rather than the destination. Don't get me wrong--I love it when the train pulls in the station, but I very much enjoy the scenery on the way.

This leads me to another related question. (Hope that's okay, Erika.) There are women who have difficulty orgasming with their partner. I know I do. If your wife/SO/GF doesn't come, does it make it less satisfying for you?

 

[M's girl]

I have a hard time reaching orgasm most of the time. In the beginning M was somewhat disappointed but that was before we had all these talks we still have, almost on a daily basis, about sex, our relationship and emotions. I have found that men seem to understand less, and mind more, when the communication part lacks. Some just don't want to know and prefer to keep their own ego's up instead of finding something that works for both.

I agree with you Bobsgirl... my pleasure comes mainly from the whole experience and then an orgasm can be the so called icing on the cake. If it doesn't come, and I've had a wonderful time, the session was perfect for me!

Now let's see what the men think....

 

[Guest]

 

[sailboatracer]

I love bobsgirl's "enjoying the scenery" answer, that's how it should be, but I wouldn't want a woman to fake it just for me. I can accept that it doesn't happen sometimes, but if it happened more than "sometimes"try I'd want to find out why it isn't happening.