Would you keep this sentence?

[Never]

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door hiding one.

or maybe

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door that hid one.

 

[KillerMuffin]

No. It's confusing, weak, and bad grammar.

Do you have context? That makes bad grammar easier to understand and even forgivable.

The stuff after your colon has no identifiable relationship to the stuff that comes before it.

Your prepositional phrase is placed in a manner that makes it feel pretty passive.

I prefer the second version of the last part of the sentence. It uses a verb rather than an adverb and that makes it more active and therefore more exciting.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

No, I wouldn't. I was with you right up to the colon—where your train of thought then abruptly disrailed. Artistry is all well and good, but it shouldn't take precedence over clarity. After all, you're trying to tell the reader a story. How effectively are you doing that if after reading your sentence the reader stops, scratches their head, and says, "Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"

It's difficult to offer a proper alternative without knowing the context. Frankly, this is the kind of thing that drives me nuts when I'm editing someone else's writing, because I don't have a clear idea what the author was trying to say.

I'm assuming that the protagonist, while stalking his prey, comes to a door that hides a staircase that goes down. In that case, I believe something like this would be much better . . .

From the sunken room, I traveled along the corridor lined with heavily-draped windows, stalking my prey in the faint light seeping in around the edges of the curtains until I reached a staircase leading down—or rather, the door hiding the staircase.

JMHO,
SSBC

 

[Guest]

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door hiding one.

or maybe

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door that hid one.

______

Needs work, but stirs up the potential for some nice imagery.

First, one would normally leave a room; traveling is best for outdoors. Besides, the action verb is already there: to stalk.

And I too have a little problem understanding the need for the colon, which implies an explanation beyond. In this case, it's an awkward construction since you don't stalk a staircase or a door; one stalks an animal/prey/or person down a staircase or behind a door.

With that, my try at a re-write:

"In the faint light that pressed through the curtains, I left the sunken room to stalk my prey down the staircase and behind the hiding doors."

 

[Never]

For everyone who's looking for the context. My protagonist is looking for a Siren she believes to be in a man's house. She's decided that he's the type to keep such a creature in his 'dungeon'. She's just broken into his house.

The air was much warmer in the house. I listened: the repetitive beat still pulsed only now I could hear bad music playing as well. The bathroom door was open and led into an empty hallway. I let my eyes adjust to the dark and then crept forward. The carpet was nice and soft. It absorbed the fall of my boot steps. The hallway connected to a large, sunken seating area with white couches and a baby grand piano. There was a silent grandfather clock as well. I stood in front of it for a moment. Its pendulum was still and its face was stuck in the awful grin of 10:10. What a shame.

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door that hid one. How I moved about the house while goathead enjoyed himself, so subtle and so silent. Every house has a logic to it so I searched the places were one would find stairs - none presented themselves.

Killer Muffin:
" No. It's confusing, weak, and bad grammar."
That's three for 'no' and none for 'yes'. I hate to do it but I guess it's for the best.

" Your prepositional phrase is placed in a manner that makes it feel pretty passive."
I wrote a sentence like that and you think I know what a prepositional phrase is?

" I prefer the second version of the last part of the sentence. It uses a verb rather than an adverb and that makes it more active and therefore more exciting."
Doors don't actively hide things but I agree.

SoBeChick:
"I'm assuming that the protagonist, while stalking his prey, comes to a door that hides a staircase that goes down."
No, she's stalking the staircase or a door hiding one.

" From the sunken room, I traveled along the corridor lined with heavily-draped windows, stalking my prey in the faint light seeping in around the edges of the curtains until I reached a staircase leading down—or rather, the door hiding the staircase."
The light is not seeping in around the edges, it's pressing through.

Proofreed:
" it's an awkward construction since you don't stalk a staircase or a door; one stalks an animal/prey/or person down a staircase or behind a door."
I was going to use 'hunt' but I thought 'stalk' gave a better impression of both her quietness and way her obsession was guiding her actions.

 

[Never]

Better?
1) From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey - a staircase down or a door that hid one – in the faint light that pressed through the curtains.

2) I moved from the sunken room and, in the faint light pressing through the curtains, looked for a staircase down or a door that hid one.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

In my opinion, both are better. I completely missed that the prey being stalked was the staircase. Maybe I'm just being thick today—which is entirely possible. However, I think the sentence would flow better if you combined ProofreadManx's suggestion with either #1 or #2.

Ex:

1) In the faint light that pressed through the curtains, I left the sunken room, stalking my prey—a staircase leading down or a door that hid one.

2) In the faint light that pressed through the curtains, I moved from the sunken room and looked for a staircase leading down—or a door that hid one.

SSBC

PS: If you haven't already, you might want to check out the thread dr.M started on colons and semicolons.

 

[Never]

SoBeChick:
" PS: If you haven't already, you might want to check out the thread dr.M started on colons and semicolons."
I have. I knew there was something wrong with the sentence. That's why I posted it.

"I completely missed that the prey being stalked was the staircase. Maybe I'm just being thick today—which is entirely possible."
As you're not the only one to draw that conclusion, I doubt that's the case.

Okay, how about:
Faint light pressed through the curtains, I left the sunken room, stalking my prey—a staircase leading down or a door that hid one.

Or

Faint light pressed through the curtains. I left the sunken room, stalking my prey—a staircase leading down or a door that hid one.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

Okay, how about:
Faint light pressed through the curtains, I left the sunken room, stalking my prey—a staircase leading down or a door that hid one.

I really like the single sentence, but in that case, it should be "faint light pressing" instead of "pressed," because the light didn't just press through the curtains and stop. It's continuing to press through the curtains while the person leaves the room.

SSBC

 

[dr_mabeuse]

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door hiding one.

or maybe

From the sunken room I traveled, stalking my prey in the faint light that pressed through the curtains: a staircase down or a door that hid one.

No, no. I agree with KM. Scrap it and start over again. There's more wrong with this sentence than there is right.

A door that hid one what? A door that hid a staricase down?

He's already in a sunken room, you mean he's going farther down with that staircase down?

"Traveled" does not seem to go with "stalking". "I traveled along, stalking her" doesn't seem right.

I don't understand why you use a colon, which usually implies a strong link with what went before and what comes after. I usually think of a colon as meaning "in other words" or "thus". In this case it seems to mean that your prey is a "staircase down" or a door.

The syntax of "From the sunken room I traveled", rather than the more straightforward, "I traveled from the sunken room..." makes the sentence awfully melodramatic, almost like bad poetry. (You know, "From the Halls of Montezuma...")

Finally, the image of light "pressing" through the curtains doesn't seem right. If it's pressing on them, then it shouldn't be going through them.

I'd start over again. I don't think it's worth the trouble of trying to salvage it.

---dr.M.

 

[Never]

dr_mabeuse:
"No, no. I agree with KM. Scrap it and start over again. There's more wrong with this sentence than there is right."
I'd disagree with that. The grammer and punctualtion was horrid, yes. Thanks to these fine people, however, it seems to be doing quite well.

"A door that hid one what? A door that hid a staricase down?"
Yes.

"He's already in a sunken room, you mean he's going farther down with that staircase down?"
Yes.

""Traveled" does not seem to go with "stalking". "I traveled along, stalking her" doesn't seem right."
Who is her? Well, I already got rid of the traveled part.

'I don't understand why you use a colon, which usually implies a strong link with what went before and what comes after. I usually think of a colon as meaning "in other words" or "thus". In this case it seems to mean that your prey is a "staircase down" or a door."

Yes. How odd that the person who seems to dislike it the most caught that she was stalking a stairway down or a door hiding one.

"The syntax of "From the sunken room I traveled", rather than the more straightforward, "I traveled from the sunken room..." makes the sentence awfully melodramatic, almost like bad poetry. (You know, "From the Halls of Montezuma...")"

That's what happens when you have a drunken, melodramatic character narrating.


"Finally, the image of light "pressing" through the curtains doesn't seem right. If it's pressing on them, then it shouldn't be going through them. "

Hmm, what word would you suggest?

"I'd start over again. I don't think it's worth the trouble of trying to salvage it."

What do you think of the sentence we finially came up with?

"Faint light pressing through the curtains, I left the sunken room, stalking my prey—a staircase leading down or a door that hid one."

I have a lot of 'ing' there. I was thinking of changing it to "...in stalk of my prey.."

 

[dr_mabeuse]

dr_mabeuse: [i

"Faint light pressing through the curtains, I left the sunken room, stalking my prey—a staircase leading down or a door that hid one."

I

Well, it looks to me like a sentence written by a committee.

Instead ofd "pressing through the curtains" I think "passing through the curtains" is reasonable.

But it still doesn't parse. That business at the front--what is that? a pariticipial phrase or something?--should refer to the subject of the sentence, as in "Taking my gun, I left the room" or "Heaving a sigh, he began again." I never heard of a sentence like that. Like "Soft rain falling, I left the room." or "A strong wind blowing, I drove home." It sounds like haiku and it's very poetic, but it's not English.

It's actually a separate sentence, a separate statemnet involving a separate subject. You might try "The faint light was pressing (or passing) through the curtains as I left the sunken room..."

And then the idea of "stalking" a door seems kind of silly, something like sneaking up on a door. "Stalking" implies following or tracking with stealth and skill. It implies that your prey is moving, as does calling it "prey" for that matter. "Prey" usually denotes a sentient being of some kind, an animal, or at least some kind of worthy opponent.

"The faint light was passing through the curtains as I left the sunken room stalking my prey: a staircase leading down."

Why not just "...left the room in search of a stairway leading down, or a door that might lead to one."

Unless... Is this supposed to be silly? Like a Monty Python sketch or a parody of an overwritten Victorian Gothic thriller? Because if it is, then your original sentence was fine.

But the idea of someone "stalking" a stairway is just silly.

Of course, you're entirely free to ignore my opinion, but I would guess the main reaction this sentence will engender will be confusion, head scratching, and some smiles.


---dr.M.

 

[Jan_Comenius]

It is my humble opinion that there are too many problems for a quick fix here; the problem isn't really the sentence, but the whole structure of the piece as it has been presented. The protagonist first-person narrator, for one reason or another, is trying to pack too much imagery into just a few words.

It is generally believed that it takes a lot of time and some real practical reasons for someone to pull together a style like that. Woolf's _Jacob's Room_ and Crane's "Parades and Entertainment" are examples of writers working to gain the kind of extraordinary, compact imagery that appears in _To The Lighthouse_ or _The Open Boat_. To avoid that problem here and since the writer is going for melodrama anyway, it would probably be better to slide completely back through the Modernist tradition and into the world of Victorian Gothic.

Different rules apply here.

Many of the period's best-known works first appeared in serial form, with writers being paid by the word, rather than the training Crane underwent as a penny-press journalist, where every column inch was hotly contested, or Woolf running her own publishing house and worrying about final page counts. One example I've heard used about the stylistic differences that arise given the different conditions is that Dickens never used one word where three would do the trick, while Zola had one and only one broadsheet to do his business in.

So, given the above, there are three actions here as presented in the longer excerpt. First, the entrance into the house. Then, moving through the "sunken seating area." Finally, there's the hunt for the exit. The author is drunk (I'd put money on his being a teenage The Crow type male), Goathead is the baddie, the house is nice and big. Let's play...

---

The air was much warmer in the house. Hearing something, I stopped and cocked my ear; the repetitive beat still pulsed maddeningly, but now I could discern David Hasselhoff faintly singing as well. The bathroom door opened onto an empty hallway. I waited, allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness, before beginning a slow creep forward on the expensive shag carpet, which easily absorbed the heavy steps of my combat boots.

The hallway connected to a large, sunken seating area furnished with white couches, a baby grand piano, and a grandfather clock standing against the walls like an afterthought. I stopped for a moment before the timepiece. The pendulum was still, the face frozen at ten past ten. A thought rose unwished for from the depths of my beer-sodden brain, that it was a shame such a beautiful clock should stand forever silent, leering its eternal, awful grin across the years. I suppressed a shudder and turned away.

Onward from the strangely depressed chamber I prowled, seeking a staircase leading down to the innards of the mansion or a door disguising such a passage. My only helpmate in my search was the faint light feebly trying to pierce the heavy draperies and lift the awful gloom of Goathead's terrible abode. Every house has a logic to it, a sense of proper arrangement, ergo, I searched for the places where one would commonly find stairways, at the ends of hallways, in communal areas, around unobtrusive corners. Yet in all the rooms that coldly welcomed me, on the other side of all the creaking doors I opened, there was not the barest hint of such a convenience. I realized with a sudden clarity, belying the twelve-pack of Three Stooges I had earlier consumed, that no logic here held sway, only the twisted ravings of a madman locked in the prison of his own mind.

---

Three main actions, three p-graphs. Heavy on the descriptive vocab (Victorians used more words than contemporary writers) and overblown drunk metaphor (already hinted at in the original), light on the Archibald MacLeish/Emily Dickinson-style economy of words and tertiary meanings. Going over the top really isn't possible in a situation like this if you don't used dated word forms and control the vocabulary more than I have here for an uneducated/teenage narrator. Drunk people, after all, tend to be loquacious and less self-conscious than normal.

I think this makes sense and I hope it proves helpful.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Jan_Comenius,

Well, your prose is certainly sufficiently dense, but is it really turgid enough for the job? Are there enough dependent clauses for that really authentic horse-hair-stuffed-sofa, full anti-macassar High Victorian feel?

And how can you have a dramatic Victorian scene when there's no reeling? Wasn't that the golden era of the Heroic Reel?


---dr.M.

P.S. Paid by the word, eh?

 

[Jan_Comenius]

Pooh!

The hallway bled into a round, sunken area furnished with pale, bloated couches haphazardly strewn with overstuffed horsehair throw pillows, a fortepiano which sat like a squat unmoving baby in the corner, and a tall, brooding clock on-guard sentinel-like against the wall. I stopped for a moment before the timepiece, crapulously reeling and choking back the seething, venemous bile sending scalding fingers up my throat. Strength, man, strength, I castigated myself, hands grasped around my neck as I fought to hold off the wretched torrent that threatened to overwhelm me. Only when the urge had passed did I groan and raise my piteous eyes to the clock.

The long, thin pendulum hung as unmoving as a three days' guest of the crossroad gallows, the face frozen in an awful rictus at ten past the tenth hour, two before the witching...

We aims to please, dr.M.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

. . . a fortepiano which sat like a squat unmoving baby in the corner. . .

Ummm . . . when you're talking about the musical instrument, the complete name is the pianoforte, which was later shortened to just piano. By the way, it was so named because of its revolutionary ability to produce both soft (piano in Italian) and loud (forte) sounds—unlike the harpsichord, which didn't allow the player the artistic ability to vary volume.

According to my dictionary—which depending on your nationality is either perfectly suitable or utter crap—forte-piano is an adverb or adjective meaning "loud then immediately soft—used as a direction in music."

SSBC

 

[sum12watch]

piano-forte

Having spent a dacade married to a very fine jazz pianist I have to second SSBC. Course I'd agree with her anyway, she so cool.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I stopped for a moment before the timepiece, crapulously reeling and choking back the seething, venemous bile sending scalding fingers up my throat. Strength, man, strength, I castigated myself, hands grasped around my neck as I fought to hold off the wretched torrent that threatened to overwhelm me. Only when the urge had passed did I groan and raise my piteous eyes to the clock.

The long, thin pendulum hung as unmoving as a three days' guest of the crossroad gallows, the face frozen in an awful rictus at ten past the tenth hour, two before the witching...

We aims to please, dr.M.

Give that man (?) a Prince Edward cigar! Now that is some seriously turgid prose! Bulwer-Lytton would be proud! You made me laugh out loud, which happens about as often as you get the Olympics.

Exactly dead on right. Plus you got two triple word-score bonus points for crapulous and rictus, two of my faves from the era of the overdecorated drawing room.

Bravo!

You don't happen to do noir detective stuff do you?


---dr.M.

 

[Jan_Comenius]

Not wanting to look like a pedantic goober to those commenting on the "pianofortissimo," which is what I half-remembered the piano being originally called in some article I read back in high school, I would like to point out that I made sure before climbing the lexical ladder to the heights demanded by dr. M. that I cracked the Tenth Collegiate and checked out the term. "Fortepiano" is listed as a synonym of "pianoforte," while "pianofortissimo" ain't anywhere in sight, so I thought I'd go for the most unusual variation available. The original name was not "pianofortissimo," it seems but rather "gravicembalo col piano e forte," from which came "pianoforte." Someday, SSBC, you'll catch me nodding, but not tonight. I still think you're cool as moonlight on watered silk, though. :rose

In addition, further research at the time I posted revealed that a "fortepiano" is an early form of the piano originating in the 18th and early 19th centuries and having a smaller range and softer timbre than a modern piano (Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition 1993). It would fit right into an authentic antique Victorian chiller setting (such as that demanded by dr.M.), so I thought I should go for it, not realizing the turd-storm it might call forth from so eminent an authority as she who hath been named above (and whose dictionary is neither crap nor edited by Bill Gates).

"Forte-piano" but not "piano-forte" is listed as an adjective with the meaning posted by sum12watch, but as I have never stroked the ivories professionally, I bow to the expertise of sum12watch and his talented spouse. Let one such as me not say that dictionaries should be cited in attempts to usurp the rightful place of reality, instead of the other way 'round.

---

No, dr.M., no detective noir stuff...and thanks for the puffy, but I stopped smoking years ago, when I realized it hurt my chances when looking for steamy sex with beautiful women (and I am also not a lesbian) whom I might ensorcell with my turgid...prose.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

Someday, SSBC, you'll catch me nodding, but not tonight. I still think you're cool as moonlight on watered silk, though. :rose

I admit, I’ve never done extensive research on the history of the piano. However, I studied music for quite a number of years. I even hoped to make it my profession at one point. And in all those years of studying music and piano lessons, I never heard a piano ever referred to as a “fortepiano” or as a “pianofortissimo.”

And my dictionary—which granted is Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate—has neither word listed nor mention either as a synonym for piano. Only “pianoforte.”

There is a listing for “forte-piano” which is the definition I gave above. This happens to agree with my own personal knowledge of musical notation. The directions for loudness being: piano (soft), mezzo piano (medium soft), pianissimo (very soft), forte (loud), mezzo forte (medium loud), fortissimo (very loud), and sforzando (suddenly very loud then soft.)

To satisfy my own curiosity, I did an Internet search on both “fortepiano” and “pianofortissimo.” One site I found referred to a “fortepiano” as a piano built before 1837. I did get a few hits on “pianofortissimo,” but found no clear information about what it referred to.

I’m still sticking with “pianoforte,” though. But to each his own. If you want to call it a “stringtickler,” more power to ya. LOL.

SSBC

 

[Jan_Comenius]

websters

I definitely wouldn't have said "stringtickler." That term has certain vague connotations leading, at least in my mind, toward the envisionment of some despicable machine serving as a superior substitute for virile young bucks like me.

However, considering that I once had to read and do a presentation on a sixteenth-century English poem called, if I remember properly, "Merryie Nash and his Dildoe," the term and/or device might have fit quite well into a Victorian setting.

Dare I?

---
The light struggling to find its way into the room past the heavy draperies danced on something in the corner of the sunken seating area for but a moment. Carefully stepping around the forbidding timepiece, I stopped before the pianoforte and reached down, my befuddled brain threatening to overwhelm my senses at any moment. My questing fingers made contact with hard, smooth plastic and I picked up a long, thick, purple-and-pink-swirled...thing...from the floor, the legend "Made in Taiwan, R.O.C. especially for The Literotica Adult Toy Store" worked in gilded letters--
---

End of story! I'm cutting and running back to my repressions! SAVE ME, SSBC!!!

 

[SexySoBeChick]

Re: websters

I definitely wouldn't have said "stringtickler." That term has certain vague connotations leading, at least in my mind, toward the envisionment of some despicable machine serving as a superior substitute for virile young bucks like me . . .
SAVE ME, SSBC!!!

Exactly my intention! LOL

And I don't think anyone can save you now.

SSBC

 

[Jan_Comenius]

Thanks, SexySoBeChick! My repressions have floated away, and I know how to use this particular plot complication in Never's story now.

----------------------

Suddenly, from the corner of the sunken room, a mad cackle arose. I turned, presenting the stringtickler I was holding like a dueling saber. "En guard, villain!" I cried, expecting Goathead's horrible visage to appear before me.

A bloated pillow slowly shifted and the angry, red face of a woman rose from the floor. She struggled to her feet without the aid of her arms, as they clasped an out-of-date dictionary to her breast. Foam flecks fell hither and thither as her mouth worked soundlessly, the words refusing to come. Finally, she swallowed convulsively and lowered her bulging, staring eyes.

"W-w-was wrong," the Chick half-muttered, half-hiccuped. "D-d-didn't think a MAN would be bright to look in his own dictionary before posting on an editor's forum page, or clever enough to catch my little crack."

She immediately stiffened in a paroxysm of rage at being caught out in her prideful mistakes. A hand reached behind her and checked to see that her skirt wasn't tucked into her pantyhose yet again.

My hands opened wide in a gesture of reconciliation. "Hey, my dictionary needs to be updated, too! Go to www.merriamwebster.com for a look at the eleventh edition of the Collegiate! And you're a damn good writer! A+ in Reproduction ROCKS! I, well, I just teach English for a living, and never had any musical ambitions other than singing dirty songs in public showers."

Turn to page 110 if SSBC decides to sulk and refrain from direct response.

Turn to page 82 if SSBC says something she wrongly thinks is cleverly insinuating again (watch what happens to the stringtickler).

Turn to the next chapter if SSBC acts like a big girl and takes her medicine along with her half-a-dozen...



Madame, I await your pleasure.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

ROFLMAO

Okay, smart-ass, I did concede above that the word “fortepiano” exists and refers to a piano built before 1837. Didn’t I? Huh? Huh?

But just because a word is valid—and apparently more outdated than my dictionary—doesn’t mean I have to like it or use it, dammit! (stomping foot petulantly)

Originally posted by Jan_Comenius

"W-w-was wrong," the Chick half-muttered, half-hiccuped. "I didn't think a MAN would be bright [enough]to look in his own dictionary before posting on an editor's forum page, or clever enough to catch my little crack."

tsk, tsk. And from an English teacher no less. ‘Tis a pity.

SSBC

 

[Jan_Comenius]

long timeout

...or turn to page 121 and watch Jan_the_Virgin being pumped full of wildly buzzing, pink-and-purple-swirled plastic as he hollers for help.


[sic] (it means "so/thus" in Latin) is what you write after the goofup when you quote someone's botched literary productions in lines like that.

You've got class, Sexy...you really do. Be aware that my laptop's modem burned out right after I posted that, so I have already paid for my smart-ass ungrammatical comments in the form of cold, hard cash.

On a related note, in a recent disagreement regarding the English language, the management and security staff of a hotel threw me out of my chair to the floor and pushed me out of a seminar room. They then said a few nasty things about Americans in general and showed me the door, threatening to call the cops if they ever saw me again. This kind of correction is a welcome relief.

I hope the sentence and the story make it, Never...I've got my life to get back to for now.