would you in consider this cheating?

[DaemonDomAndGoddessSub]

I am in a D/s relationship with my husband. While we have previously discussed adding a third, we decided against it because of my own insecurities. We had set hard limits about talking sexually with other women as far as I understood. recently the power in our relationship has shifted, and he doesn't feel as in control as he used to. I have sought out more domination, asking him to do more... yet he held back. A few days ago I discovered an email from a couple different women from on here getting very graphic about what they want or would do with or for him. After finding these emails, I found out he was telling ppl he was looking for another sub online OR irl and that I in knew and was ok with it. (I didn't know about any of it)


I guess my question is, was he cheating, is he going to cheat? Was this just a preview of what he would be willing to do to me in the future?? Please help! This is the first D/s relationship I've been in, and my first marriage/ serious relationship. I'm not sure what to do or think.

 

[StrayKat]

I would consider it a cheating.
But what you will do depends on you. How do you see it? Are you hurt? How important is it for you? Did your feelings toward him change? You know, it is just like any other relationship, I dont see D/s aspect as something crucial in deciding what works for you or not.

Limits are there not just for you but for him too and if he broke some pretty important ones I would rethink hardly how and if to go on. But it is up to you, none can tell you exactly what to do.

 

[karamorfu]

I am in a D/s relationship with my husband. While we have previously discussed adding a third, we decided against it because of my own insecurities. We had set hard limits about talking sexually with other women as far as I understood. recently the power in our relationship has shifted, and he doesn't feel as in control as he used to. I have sought out more domination, asking him to do more... yet he held back. A few days ago I discovered an email from a couple different women from on here getting very graphic about what they want or would do with or for him. After finding these emails, I found out he was telling ppl he was looking for another sub online OR irl and that I in knew and was ok with it. (I didn't know about any of it)


I guess my question is, was he cheating, is he going to cheat? Was this just a preview of what he would be willing to do to me in the future?? Please help! This is the first D/s relationship I've been in, and my first marriage/ serious relationship. I'm not sure what to do or think.

dont worry, since you both share this account Im sure you can find out next time he logs in here. Think of it this way, its all part of his process of dominating you more. Breaking your agreements and doing what he wishes. Finding other more competent subbies to keep you in line.

 

[DaemonDomAndGoddessSub]

dont worry, since you both share this account Im sure you can find out next time he logs in here. Think of it this way, its all part of his process of dominating you more. Breaking your agreements and doing what he wishes. Finding other more competent subbies to keep you in line.

So, as a sub, a should just deal with cheating? Look at it as he is making me better? That is how that comes across.

I guess I don't see it that way. Thats like saying I search out a new a Dom to make him better. Seriously? I Appreciate the input, but find fault in the reasoning.


As a for knowing when he logsin because of a shared acct.... he still has his acct. Says he doesn't use it or log in. But after being lied to once... how do I believe him?

That's why I'm lost, I don't trust easily after being lied to.

 

[Dirtymind65]

dont worry, since you both share this account Im sure you can find out next time he logs in here. Think of it this way, its all part of his process of dominating you more. Breaking your agreements and doing what he wishes. Finding other more competent subbies to keep you in line.

If someone is expected to break hard limits. What's the point in having them?

 

[DaemonDomAndGoddessSub]

Any other thoughts?? I'm really at a loss here!!

 

[sexysquid90]

I'm just a dumb, young guy, but I'd say it's cheating. If it were something you both discussed and agreed upon, it wouldn't be. Given the tenor of your original post, I'd say this caught you completely off guard and was hurtful. To me, that's a clear indication it was cheating, regardless if you're in a D/s relationship or not.

Call me crazy, but I thought trust was a critical part to D/s and it seems your husband broke it.

 

[TeaforMe]

You are married and have hard rules as guidelines for your sexual relationship. It appears he is breaking them in ways that are hurting and offending you. He is walking the line of cheating, but what's more he is breaking your trust. Trust should be more important than roles.

I don't care if he is a dom or not, once he breaks the rules you both established as a couple, then it needs to be addressed, if he continues to lie, then you have to weigh your options.

 

[PokingFun]

Agreeing with TeaForMe. I don't think I would consider this cheating. It's a violation of your agreement and a violation of your trust, but more like potential-for-cheating. Lot's of married people get on Lit and talk it up with no intention of ever following through. It's fun and its entertaining. Like playing that car theft video game. "I'm not really a cop killing car thief, but I play one on TV."

I'm not saying to just pretend it didn't happen. He is online getting hungry, but where is getting dinner? Is he using those feelings of excitement to inspire him and make his relationship with you better?

Call him on it. Consider your options and what each of your and his reactions might be in different scenarios, then address in your chosen fashion. You may decide to just ask openly and take whatever reaction comes or you could forward the email to yourself then forward it back to him with your thoughts so he can see them all together.

In the end, the only opinion that matters here is yours. The world doesn't live in your marriage. You do. I hope it the situation works out the way you want it to.

 

[imnauti]

For myself, cheating is an activity, whether online, over the phone, by text, or in person that one person does in a relationship that the other does not know about and consent to. Hopefully a couple will define what cheating means to them and agree upon the same definition in advance, as well as what consequences the behavior has.

Regardless of how anyone else here defines it, as has been pointed out, the only thing that matters is how his behavior makes you feel. A good relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, will build a foundation of trust and mutual respect in which you can explore together whatever activities interest you both. If his actions have you feeling betrayed and lied to, you absolutely need to address it now. It is possible that there is a misunderstanding about what's acceptable.

I certainly hope that you work it out in a way that is positive for you both. Best of luck to you.

 

[DaemonDomAndGoddessSub]

Thank you everyone! We have discussed what happened.. However I know he is sick of talking about it, but I'm still trying to figure it all out in my own head.

He has stepped up and changed some things in hopes of gaining my trust back. I am taking these steps into consideration, but still find it hard some days to move past it I guess.

I'm hoping things get better with talking on here to ppl and with friends.

Thanks again!!

 

[TeaforMe]

I would be worried, especially since he was looking for IRL and had made contact with women to further that cause. Whether he is sick of discussing it or not, he needs to fix this.

 

[Shin_Su_eun]

It sounds like cheating to me. Just my opinion.

 

[Dirtymind65]

Hope everything works out for you!