Would really appreciate constructive criticism

[ledier]

I have written two short stories under the Incest/Taboo category, but before I write any more (probably a much longer story next time) I would very much appreciate some feedback and some criticism on what works and what doesn't.

Note: the first link has an asterisks problem and an age error, which was my fault, and the asterisks an online spell checker has done. I have submitted an edited version, so keep in mind that will be up on the site soon.

1) A Sex Starved Mother and Her Son http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=234966

2) The End of Virginity http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=238583

Thank you in advance, ledier.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Ledier,

I read some of your story "A Sex Starved Mother And Her Son". Please don't feel slighted that I didn't finish, I find this topic just a bit icky, so there was no way I was going to enjoy the eroticism; I was mostly looking at the technical aspects.

Some things you might consider for your next story:

Open with a shorter sentence. The last thing you want is for the reader to fumble over the first sentence.

Fewer parenthesis.

Avoid "wanted poster" descriptions:
She was 33 years old and about as tall as I was (5'7") with nice soft-looking blonde hair and bright green eyes...
When you see someone, do you really think "She's 5'7 ..." or do you think "She's as tall as I am." Side note: I assume that she's thirty-three and he's twenty and she's been divorced for seventeen years is what you meant by 'an age error'

Consider how the character's motivations add to, or detract from, the eroticism.
In this case, he's horny because he hasn't wanked, so he starts looking at his mom. It's like his brain is going, "Gee, my hand's on hiatus, maybe I could fuck my mom..." I know it's probably not what you meant, but it gave me the impression she wasn't his first choice. It's not sexy to be someone's second option.

Take care with the pacing of the tale and how one sentence leads into another. Flow can be such a subtle thing, but getting it right, imo, is a big what part of makes a story an easy read. For instance, the narrator goes on and on and on for sentences upon sentence about urges and how he's never looked at his mother before but every time he does she looks great and he's so excited, etc. Everytime he said it I believed it less.

Then, a telling event in the story is covered in a few sentences:
There I was standing a meter away from my mom, steamy, dripping wet and completely naked with my hard cock pointing towards her.

I suddenly jumped to my senses and startled my mother, who was as paralyzed as I was before I jumped. She quickly bent down and picked up the toothpaste from the ground. She was crouching to get the toothpaste when she looked up at my erection, stared for a split second, and then looked away, apologized and walked away.
This has to be one of those time-stood-still moments, right? What are her exact words? Where do their eyes meet for that knowing glance?

Then how does he react?
I felt faint from my excitement.

There was a very sexy woman bending down a few feet away from my cock; and it just so happened to be my mother
Well, I still don't know how he reacted- all that he tells me is stuff I already knew- his mom bent down near his cock and he was excited. I never got to see his reaction, so it was impossible for me to feel it as well. Make sense?

Check for words repeated near one another; this can jar a reader- something about the way the brain works, I'm not really sure why. Just in the above examples notice how 'jumped' and 'toothpaste' are both repeated.

Check for sentences and paragraphs in sequence that start with the same word, such as this paragraph and the last both begin with 'check'. It's similar to the repeated word issue. I thought you did a pretty good job with the sentences, but I noticed many paragraphs start with "I"- three in a row at one point.

Ok, that's what stood out that might could have been done differently in the part I read. Please don't take it as any kind of slam that I didn't read much beyond this point; after all it isn't my kind of story. Even so, I think you have the right idea about establishing tension between the characters first, so I could see how fans of this genre might enjoy it.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[ledier]

Hi Penelope Street, thank you for your feedback! I appreciate you taking your time to read and comment on my submission. I've read and agree with your advice. I think next time I won't do an incest/taboo story because I don't have a huge motivation for them, I just think the topic adds to the tension, and I've read some really great stories about it.

I wrote it in a day or two (a couple of hour blocks) with a lot of breaks inbetween, so I didn't really have a natural flow happening and I didn't exactly check to see what I had previously written.

Thanks though, appreciated!

Note: a couple of your comments were done by me on purpose, ie. the "time stood still" moment, she didn't have to say anything. She looked up at his penis quickly said sorry and walked away. The reader can make up in their minds (through past experiences, of course not incest ones though) how the woman reacted etc.

 

[lustfulthinker]

Hi,
I liked your story, but want to see pussy or clit or even vagina rather than asterisks. It seems a little odd how you refer to your penis in the first part of a sentence and your cock in the last part of the same sentence or the very next sentence.