Would love your feedback

[IcedJade]

Hey everyone. I just posted my first story under Exhibitionist/Voyeur and I would love some feedback. Please let me know what you think.

Thanks,
Jade

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=443098

 

[frdrcnjohn]

Not bad for a first story

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A lot of seasoned writers on Lit don't agree with me, but I have a pet peeve about new writers writing in First Person. That said, let's look at your story.

Let me start with, "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender..." That's how a thousand jokes begin and pretty much the way your story starts too. There is nothing to grab the reader and make him want to read to the end. You are telling the story, not showing it. That's been said a million times here but no one ever takes the time to explain what that means. So, here goes.

Showing has to do with creating images in the mind of the reader so he "sees" the story unwind in his mind. Let me give you an example from your story. Paragraph two begins, "[/quote]Tonight I am wearing an outfit I have never worn out of the house. As I lay it on my bed, I smile knowing the looks I will get later tonight. It also makes me just a little wet. [/quote]"

Your outfit? What was it? Some hot, slinky party gown? Some frumpy, Hillary Clinton Pants Suit? Or was it a skirt and blouse? Just that much discription gives the reader something to grab on too. But there is a balance. Too much discription (color, length, fabric, etc) runs you off in the other direction and again the reader loses interest.

The other comment I have is that you really didn't allow me to get to know your main character, "I". So she's tall. I could care less. I want to know WHO she is not what she looks like. The only discription of her that lingers is her height (over 6 feet) and that she's a flirt. That's really not enough to make me either care or empathize with this character. Part of your problem here is that the story is quite short. You could have done some more work and fleshed out "I".

But the news isn't all bad. Over all, you have to good start. The story idea is solid and could have been worked into some quite nice. Your writing is clean and readable without any obvious errors I picked up.

Don't give up. We all went through this learning process. It takes a while and a few stories under your belt before you really catch on.

 

[IcedJade]

Thanks

I really do appreciate the suggestions you sent. This story started out as a story for someone in paticular. In writing a story for someone who has seen me, I guess I didn't really think about the extra detail (its also something I usually glance over in stories I read). I will try to take that into account the next time... In my defense though... after I talked about laying out the outfit, I described it later in the story; black corset, short skirt that barely covers my ass, thigh highs....

Haha, had to throw that in... Again, thanks for the input, and please keep it coming... good or bad.

 

[SixtyMinuteMan]

Keep writing, Jade. It's a good story. And take the comments about writing first-person for what they're worth... Hemingway, Melville, and a lot of other great writers can't all be wrong.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've been away from SF for a while but I couldn't ignore a beautiful moniker like Iced Jade.

It's a good start, slowly building tension and erotic intenseness with a good ending. A pretty impressive effort - I'll be looking out for more of your writing.

Trying to bridge the divide between the comments on first person, I think both Jenny and Sixty are right. First person is a wonderful POV but it has huge elephant traps, which is why it comes with the writer's advisory.

You mix a style of talking to the readers (perfectly acceptable) with telling a story (perfectly acceptable). I think Jenny means that it is pretty hard starting out in fiction to be aware of the nuances.

Sixty is right that first person is very dramatic. Just remember that Hemingway used his first person with 80% dialogue and very little internal reflection.

You make the mistake of 'talking' to the audience. Just taking your first paragraph - this should be Jade talking to herself but she talks to us. I edited it roughly like this;

This is new for me. It's been a long time since I've been to a bar by myself, instead usually going with friends or guys that I was dating.

This is scary. It’s been so long since I’ve gone to a bar alone without girlfriends or dates for company.

Tonight though, I am on my own, and I fully plan to flirt with every man I come in contact with.

Tonight though, totally on my own, I plan to flirt with every man that shows any interest

See, I'm a horrible flirt, I always have been. I just can't help it, there's nothing that excites me more than knowing that men are attracted to me. It might make me a tease that I often flirt with men that I have no intention of sleeping with, but my flirting isn't for them, it's for me.


Are guys right to call me a tease? I know I give the come-on to men to attract them with no intention of sleeping with them but, it excites me. Knowing men are attracted to me, that I can get them going makes me feel fantastic. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I mean no harm.

To my mind, a story has to be active not passive, and a first person story works as well as third person but needs a clear reason for the choice of POV.

I think you write well.

 

[SweetOblivion]

Good start

as others have said. Break the paragraphs up a little - perhaps add a little more dialogue to offset the description. Very softcore - but pleasant with it. Sweet O.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

OMG, El.... it's so good to see you back on this forum

 

[jump44]

I really like it, it was easy to read, you built a lot of suspense, and it was a great story!

 

[IcedJade]

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who has read and added their thoughts. I am working on my next story and your input helps.

 

[regguy]

Yes, keep writing. I liked your story a lot. Some of the feedback is useful, esp. Elfin's. Take it all as constructive and use what you can. But mostly, keep doing what you are doing which is pleasing yourself. What's writing but exhibitionism in print? You're hot!