Would love to hear feedback.....

[irishlass101]

Hey!
If you like celebrity fiction, check out my 2 stories.....
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29245 and http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30851

Try them and let me know what you think!!

 

[Nudemodel]

Irishlass,
It's a nice story. Your long paragraphs (one copied below) make for slightly difficult reading. It may be the on-screen format. In a print book it might be less bothersome. But it's here on the screen, so it has to be screen-readable. If you could break the several long paragraphs up into several shorter ones, readers could grasp the story more easily. Also, tradition has it that each time a different person speaks, the writer should make a new paragraph.

This is not carved in stone. For style, you may want to do something different from the rules. But if you go against convention, you have to do it so well that it doesn't bother your readers. Nudemodel

"Angie? Come in, Berlin..." Heath was laughing. [ maybe break and make a new paragraph here ] She shook her head. "I'm so sorry Mr. Ledger, just zoned out there for a minute." [ maybe break the paragraph here ] She could feel her face burning. Heath wondered just what she had been thinking, but he was pretty sure he knew. [ maybe break it again here ]"I take it you like what you see, eh, nursey?" Heath had his biggest, most aren't-I-innocent-smile. Angie's cheeks burned. What was wrong with her? He was her patient, for gawdsake. She cleared her throat. [ maybe break it again here ] "Well, regardless of what I think, Mr. Ledger, I'm here to take care of you. You ready for breakfast?" [ maybe break it again here ] Heath sighed. "First, you have to call me Heath. Mr. Ledger is my dad. Second, will you feed me? My arms really hurt..." [ maybe break and a new one here ] His grin spread from ear to ear. She gave him another wink. [ maybe break and a new one here ] "Anything for my patient. Let me get your breakfast." [ maybe brak and a new one here ] She turned and left the room. Heath hiked himself up in bed, looked over his arms and body. He had bruises and a black eye. His leg was in some sort of traction, and his butt hurt. Well, at least he was gonna be ok.