Would love some feedback!

[Xg123]

My first story was just approved!

I'd LOVE to hear some feedback:

http://www.literotica.com/s/amy-and-i

There is a part 2 pending and I'm working on part 3 now, so any feedback would be helpful.
Thanks!

 

[lovecraft68]

My first story was just approved!

I'd LOVE to hear some feedback:

http://www.literotica.com/s/amy-and-i

There is a part 2 pending and I'm working on part 3 now, so any feedback would be helpful.
Thanks!

It wasn't bad, but honestly seemed more like just rough sex then BDSM. The word master and some degrading talk does not automatically make it BDSM.

I also caught a couple of minor things.

"Her pussy and ass almost pointing directly...."

Why almost? It would be directly

"Practically whispered" she just whispered leave it at that

Practically, almost and usually 'actually" tend to be unnecessary.

Also one other little thing. You mentioned seeing the pain in her eyes while you fucked her ass. Unless I missed it she was not facing a mirror. so not sure how that could be seen

Other wise it was decent and I would definitely continue. Main thing is it might have gone more along the non consent lines (I know non consent usually means rape but many stories over there are mainly very rough sex.)

 

[Xg123]

Thanks for the feedback! To be honest I couldn't really fit it into a category so I went with BDSM as there is a little bit of bondage (her wrists and ankles are secured to the headboard)
However I would have much preferred a rough sex category.

As for looking into her eyes, well the position she's in would allow me to see her eyes since it's basically missionary...

Thanks for responding though, it's much appreciated!

 

[roomfor1more]

Three Points I will make that regards construction and logic of the story

1) The first paragraph is a weak paragraph and I feel, it does not do a good job introducing the story. Reason why I say this, when I read it, the question I asked myself is, how did Amy and you get to the restaurant? Also, I asked myself, why are the two of you there? Finally I asked myself what brought you to it? Essentially, the first paragraph left me confused about the story.

2) In the first paragraph you are talking about the present, second paragraph you talk about how the two of you met, and the third paragraph you come back to the present. As a reader the flow for the beginning to be rough and I would have preferred to have the second paragraph introduce the story instead of the first paragraph.

3) Up until you state, "Sorry to make you wait, master..." as a reader I was believing this was two friends who might be exploring a friend with benefits or relationship by going away for the weekend. Instead, when I read that sentence it tells me there is more to their relationship then what was stated and left asking myself, what did I miss? Personally, I would have preferred to have read some cues that told me there was more to their relationship than just being friends and would have preferred to read more of a build up to that point. At least to me, the change seems abrupt, unexpected, and out of place.