Would love some feedback...

[The_Black_Knight]

My second story has just been posted, and I would love some feedback from you fellow scribes. I think this story line is developing well, and this is the first part to that collection. Any thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The Airport


TBK

 

[mjl2010]

A few thoughts.

I'd tone down the clothing descriptions. They don't add much other than words and space. You almost lost me in the first few paragraphs with those. I can't imagine what the elderly couple and what they were wearing added to the story. Except for his heightened senses when the plane arrived, the woman with the baby either.

You did manage to create some tension with his waiting for her. It wasn't a lot but it was ok.

You said he wasn't an ordinary Joe, but then described just that. Seemed like it to me anyway. I could walk into any airport and find a guy that looked like him. What made him extraordinary?

Sorry but I can't imagine anyone thinking this - "What beast in me has she awoken that is consumed, content, yet still yearns for more?" Sounds more like some sort of poetry to me.

Some of your paragraphs are too long. It makes them hard to read. Not because they are grammatically incorrect, because I'm seeing them on the screen and that makes it hard to read long paragraphs. Just break them up some.

I loved the part where they were so engrossed in looking at each other they almost got sucked into the escalator (childhood nightmare of mine) and ended up on the floor. I got a good laugh there.

This isn't a criticism but a thought only. Do two people who never actually met beyond phone conversations strip naked in an airport garage and fuck? I said ok maybe, but, it seemed somewhat incredulous. I dunno, just me I guess.

I guess thats it. I thought it was good mostly once I got past the beginning.

MJL

 

[_Lynn_]

A few thoughts.

I'd tone down the clothing descriptions. They don't add much other than words and space. You almost lost me in the first few paragraphs with those. I can't imagine what the elderly couple and what they were wearing added to the story. Except for his heightened senses when the plane arrived, the woman with the baby either.

You said he wasn't an ordinary Joe, but then described just that. Seemed like it to me anyway. I could walk into any airport and find a guy that looked like him. What made him extraordinary?

Sorry but I can't imagine anyone thinking this - "What beast in me has she awoken that is consumed, content, yet still yearns for more?" Sounds more like some sort of poetry to me.

Some of your paragraphs are too long. It makes them hard to read. Not because they are grammatically incorrect, because I'm seeing them on the screen and that makes it hard to read long paragraphs. Just break them up some.

MJL

I agree with these points, so I won't repeat them.

The beginning moved very slow. I know you wanted to build the tension, which you started to do, but there could have been more.

I'm not sure why you kept making reference to the guards. It almost felt like someone was going to be a bad guy that was under arrest.

The sex in the parking garage. My main thoughts went to how these planes all just landed, so there would be people all over. Yet here in the garage they can find a place to be alone and undress for sex? I know it's fantasy, so ok, but it's just a thought.

There were a couple minor typos.

Dialogue. You could have used more of it, I feel. Brought it to life. Even when he's waiting for her plane, I think you could have used some dialogue to build it up, show us he was nervous.

You did ok, I just think it could have been better. Right now, it's like tons of others out there. Fix it some and you could have that added wow factor.

My opinion only.

ML

 

[piltdownman]

I liked the two main characters, as far as you developed them... the descriptions of the airport, the scene setting was good... but I found all the details took me away from the theme, a bit distracting... if there had been a little more of what the guy was thinking interspersed with it all it might have been better... but it's just a matter of finding a balance... liked the escalator scene, that was different... sex in the garage you can get away with I think.. it's fantasy, could have done it on the luggage carousel if you'd wanted... or on the bike... Nothing really wrong with any of it, just maybe more in there than you really needed... the best thing I find is read through it when it's done, anything that's not absolutely relevant beyond some general scene setting, get rid of, even if you like it 'cos it sounds nice. Good story.

 

[MarshAlien]

I think your writing is very good, although I think you do need a little work on your storytelling.

Writing first - In general, you do a very good job painting the scenes and limning the characters. I think a couple times you just went a little too far. For example, your description of the narrator:

He was not your average Joe. Long dark-brown hair flowed down his back, usually tied up with bands down the entire length, but not today. He got the big dark eyes and eyebrows from the Italian side of his family. Adorning the worn look of his face was a well trimmed mustache and goatee. He wore a simple black t-shirt with no markings or logos, and a pair of black jeans. It had been raining most of the day, so his long black trench still draped from his shoulders down past his knees. His boots were simple black riding boots, nothing special. He wasn't much of a flashy person, more of a minimalist.

The first sentence is too much of a cliche for my tastes. I would prefer something simpler, like, "he was aware that he stood out." The last sentence is unnecessary. You've already shown us this; you don't need to tell us again.

This sentence -- ""What beast in me has she awoken that is consumed, content, yet still yearns for more?" -- is a beautiful sentence, but it's hard to imagine anyone actually thinking that. It looks affected, and stands out too much, particularly given the fact that the only dialogue to this point was "Hi," "Hi yourself," and "You look absolutely amazing."

With respect to the story (and I realize that it's more of a scene than a story), I would have liked to see more dialogue, both to break up the look of the story on the page (one largish paragraph after another) and to give the characters more credibility. The idea that two people who have never met would only exchange so few words before they made it to the escalator strains credulity a little. In many cases, yes, you don't want to show all the dialogue ("do you mind if I visit the ladies' room first?"), but you do want to have enough to humanize your characters ("so how was your flight?").

Also, you've set up a number of fascinating issues - their common single parenthood, their shared interests - that go absolutely nowhere. In a story this short, everything you say ought to contribute in some way to advancing it. If, as you suggested at the start of this thread, this is the start of a longer story with these characters, I would suggest you make that clear at the beginning, so that the reader doesn't feel like the story is incomplete. Also, if it is a longer story, at some point you'll need to use the characters' names, if for no other reason than to avoid "he" and "she" all the time. I would recommend doing it here, where it would be much more natural.

Well done, sir knight. I look forward to reading more from you.

 

[The_Black_Knight]

Suggestions??

After looking at it posted, I can see what you mean by the paragraphs being too long. Not quite the same when displayed on paper. I'll have to go back and spread it out a bit.

And as you may have guessed, this is only the opening part of what could be a rather long story. Perhaps I've mis-categorized it? I actually foresee this being long in character development, and many of the story details won't necessarily be pertinent, but I see them adding to the overall picture I'm trying to paint. Such as the guards in the terminal. Maybe adding a "warning" to readers that this will be a long involved story, and not a "quickie."

Thanks very much for the honest feedback. I kinda felt the same way about the flow of the story; that it moved slow initially, but raced a bit fast towards the end. I like the idea of breaking it up a bit more with some dialog, and maybe adding back in a scene in the garage that would've spread it out a bit.

Question: How do you know where the line is drawn between too much detail, and enough to fully give the reader a picture of the scene and pull them in? The salt and pepper colored mustache on the guard may be a bit much, but their watchful eye on the Man in Black may not be.

MistressLynn - You mentioned a few typos. If you can point them out to me, I'd appreciate it.

Any other suggestions?

For those of you who wondering about realism... This are actual events, recalled to the best of my twisted imagination. I did actually have that "beast in me..." quote running through my mind at the time. I couldn't quite remember from where though. Walt Whitman perhaps?

I highly recommend utilizing a parking garage late in the evening. It's just on that bubble of offering seclusion, while potentially being caught in public.

 

[mjl2010]

I wouldn't get too hung up on the things we've said. With that said, I'll say a bunch more.

Regarding detail. Whole paragraphs devoted to nothing but detail is often way too much for me to wade through. People just don't want to read about every article of clothing someone is wearing.

Example: He was dressed entirely in black from his shirt to his boots.

This is probably more than enough, if it's even relevant. In your story, what made how he is dressed relevant? Or for that matter, anyone? Did we need to know what the mother of that infant was wearing? What about the old couple. What did their clothing add to the story besides words? Did it matter? Do we care about them at all?

On the other hand, if you're describing how a woman does a strip tease for her husband, then her clothing suddenly becomes relevant. You still don't have to describe it all in one paragraph though. If you make the tease last a dozen paragraphs, each one dedicated a piece of clothing, how it looks on her and how she takes it off, that would be different and done right, very sensual. (long sentence?)

Regarding spelling. As I recall and I'm not going back to read it again, the misspellings I saw were stuff a spell checker would miss. You really need to watch out for those. Like spelling a word one way, but meaning to use another word. Sorry I can't think of any particular examples in your story.

I seem to recall two other things that struck me. The use of hyphens between two words doesn't ring a bell as being absolutely wrong. I'm sure my own grammar is far from perfect. Why not just say Rock Hard Cock instead of Rock-Hard Cock. Just a thought.

The other thing was and I've been guilty a few times is trying to draw out words like a needle stuck on a LP record. OOOOHHHH GOOODDDD! Was there any of that in your story? Can't remember right now. Describing how someone says something is usually more effective.

Her drawn out, "Oh God!" came as a frantic moan as he plunged into her steamy crevice.

You have to find your own writing style. The first pieces of fiction I wrote will never be seen by anyone but me. I've got them all password protected and every once in a while I open them up and read my own pieces of crap. I learned from them and gradually developed my own way of writing.

I'm not saying Airport is like my first writings. I'm saying I think you'll be good if you keep working at it. I made a pest of myself here bugging people to read my stuff and tell me how to make it better (thanks RED and others too). I've got a couple of red "H" thingies next to my stories and feel good about that.

Anyway, good luck.

MJL

 

[_Lynn_]

"a glance at his phone verified that he still had more ten minutes to wait."

"She pushed his jeans and boxers off is waist in one movement, before reaching for his now semi-erect shaft."

"You going to be able to walk in straight line"

"He let her bag fall from his shoulder and grabbed her waist, pulling her shirt up from jeans and running his hands up her sides ...."

I tried to remember what I had noticed the first couple times. These popped back out at me as a typo/missing a word/or a question of word order. I did say minor in the initial post, remember, and I would guess most readers don't pick up on them. I didn't search for anyhting else either.


You asked for suggestions. This may have happened, but if I'm reading it, I'd be disappointed. After the sex and thinking of how close he felt, he says do you need a moment? That feels rather stuffy to me. Knowing her interest in it, I'm ready for some bike talk of hitting the road.

Thinking of all he knew about her already, and how close he had felt to her, he looked right at her and said, "You are so beautiful."

He smiled, picked up her blouse and shook it out. "Are you ready to go, or do you need a moment more?"


For dialogue in the beginning I can see the others, to use them, mentioning how special the person he was meeting must be for him to be so anxious. He could say how beautiful and special she was. Something basic. You have him already thinking she does the picture no justice.

When she gets off the plane, asking about her flight, if she had trouble at the airport at home, simple questions you would ask anyone could be added. They would be nervous and this would be an opener.

A slow story can be okay if done right. You don't want to lose the readers if it goes too slow. With it being based on truth, remember that you know what happens next, and your reader only has what you wrote so far.

I find that feedback is very helpful. I posted one of my own here a couple weeks ago and it gave me a lot of insight.

My opinions only.

ML