Would love some feedback on The Subway

[CrimsonCaptain]

First of all, the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310957

It's a bit of domination/tease play between a couple, from the males point of view, with audio.

Now, the issues I'm aware of lie mostly in the mp3: I'm a little nervous at the start and I think it shows. I think the audio levels might be a bit off at certain parts. In terms of writing I could probably have dragged it out a little longer. "I bided" (hurf durf that was a big mistake) could have worked better as "I chose to bide".

With that out of the way I'd love to hear what others think. The only way I'll get better is with constructive criticism (though the narcissist in me is not opposed to praise ).

Thanks in advance!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I need to preface my comments by saying that dom/sub/bdsm material isn't my cup of tea.

I found the plot woefully weak, and there wasn't a whole lot of characterzation. You didn't make me interested in the characters.

Her ring was gone, you asked out for coffee, and then you were in bed having sex with her. So what? Who cares?

The idea for the scene on the subway was okay, it just wasn't very interesting. I don't think the material preceeding the subway was necessary, it certainly didn't add anything to the story.

We have an expression we love to use around here, show us, don't tell us. All you've done is tell us a story, you didn't show us anything, it's almost like an anecdote told around the water cooler.

Don't use numbers where you can use the word.

The audio was okay, I only listened for a few minutes of it, again, the story wasn't strong enough to make me want to spend twelve minutes listening to it.

Good luck.

 

[_Lynn_]

I started to read this. There just isn't anything there to keep me going further.

""I did, we had, and then, and so, but I've..."" These just all tell me boring statements.

Sentences shouldn't start with "and/but" ( I know, there are select times, yes) I saw a lot of --ly words in the part I read.

Nothing jumps out to give any spark, any descriptions or details to give me an insight to who these people are.

I turned the audio on....but maybe half a minute. Sorry, it was something that would put me to sleep.

My opinion only.
ML

 

[MarshAlien]

Sorry: dial-up. I'm happy to read the story, but letting the computer download the audio for fifteen minutes is above and beyond my SFF responsibilities.

With respect to the printed story, I don't think it took any advantage of the second person POV. To me, the only time that's interesting is when the narrator is trying to explain to the other person something about his or her emotional state. If I read second person POV (and I don't, much), I like to think of myself as the "you" in the story, the person being addressed. And if you just tell me a bunch of facts that "I" already know, it seems to me that you've wasted the sole benefit of that POV, ie, revealing yourself to the reader through the character of the other person in the story.

But I'm no expert at this stuff. I've only just now written my first third person POV story.

It was sooo tempting to start this post with, well, I'm kind of fond of the six-inch steak and cheese on whole wheat. See? The meds are working.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Beyond what's already been said, your third paragraph is typical of the errors in this story -

But I've always kept my dominant nature secret from you.Why? You never dated her before. There seems to be a monumental jump here somehow that is not clear. We've had sex plenty of times before, and always it's been steaming hot, your lean, lithe body wriggling in ecstasy as I'd take you. You had sex but never approached her at the gym until her ring disappeared? Something is missing and confused here. Until one night when I gave you an order. It was simple; you were to call me sir. For a second you hesitated, but then I saw that smirk I love so much and you played along... You need to learn how and when to use an elypissis and later confessed it had turned you on in a way you'd never experienced.

Generally, I found the entire story confused and boring. It doesn't flow, it isn't really a story, but, instead a viginette and most of all the retelling of a trite and disinteresting fantasy that is entirely unoriginal.

I really think you can do better. What you really needed here was a solid plot line - this story doesn't really go anywhere. The writing, with some correction was not all that bad, just sort of confused. It could have been a lot better with the addition of two or three lines of text at a couple of points in the story. But you will learn.