Would love some feedback on one of my I/T stories

[FionasFantasyFiction]

Hey folks,

So I've just gotten back into writing after a long break. I'd like to really improve my writing skills so I'm kindly requesting feedback on one of my stories:
https://www.literotica.com/s/a-mother-daughter-rivalry-ch-01

It's part of a three part series that I've completed writing. (I have just submitted Ch02). I will be taking any feedback from this and using it in my next series or standalone stories.

I'm more than happy to exchange feedback in the same genre or at least of a very similar nature.

TIA

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I gave you a 5 star, good start!

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I could work on more detailed feedback when I have time btw, and would love the same on mine if you're offering

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I have a habit of reading too quickly and missing stuff when I read for fun, but I'll make sure to read carefully and nitpcik the second time. heh.

Disclaimer: I dont claim to be an expert, or even a good writer. My points may be unnecessary or irrelevant.

First thoughts: I felt the intro was a bit rushed. She broke up with her boyfriend, then a few paragraphs later she's upset, calling him a jerk etc. Her thoughts and feelings on the matter could have been shown at the beginning.

The reason I call this out is that, I dont recall it ever mentioned again (I was wrong). Also, nothing about what he did or why she's upset beyond the breakup. Did he cheat on her? Did he put her down? Tell her she's not good in bed? (I'm writing as I read and just got to the point where she is discussing it with her mother, point still stands though for now)

Some might think these details are irrelevant but they dont have to be. They can inform her character and motives moving forward. Is she seducing her brother because she wanted to prove that she can, despite her ex's insults? Is it revenge on her ex cheating? etc. Also, if the reasons dont matter, then neither does the mention of it at all.

Just something to think about.

"Both her and her brother were visiting for the holidays" - that should be "Both she and her brother..." I suggest installing Grammarly. Its free and it can point out errors like this for you. Just a suggestion. Just a warning though, its rewording suggestions often strip the test of its original meaning and nuance, so dont rely on it beyond fixing typos etc.

"Excited to see her younger brother, she stood there waiting in the driveway with an excited smile." Probably could reword this to not reuse the word 'excited'.

"Perhaps she was starved of affection and intimacy from the break up, but she wanted to be noticed by a guy. She was too caught up in the moment to care that it was her brother."

Here's the motivation I was hoping for, nice, but I can't help feeling it could have been a bit stronger?

I guess you're using third person omniscient? (Again, I'm not a pro writer by any stretch!) I think its working but normally I try to stick to one pov and only change on a scene change. Again, not saying your story is wrong on this point, just not what I'm used to.

""Fuck," she whispered to herself so as to not be heard again. "I can never get a moment to myself around here." She let out a frustrated sigh over having to postpone her pleasure yet again. Forgoing her bra and panties, she threw on a skirt and a fresh white tank top then went down to dinner."

I remember the lack of panties comes up later. It might have been hotter if it was intentionally a way to seduce him, rather than it just happened? Just a suggestion.

I liked the scene at dinner.

I think I'll have to continue later with the rest of the pages. I hope it help so far.

 

[FionasFantasyFiction]

I have a habit of reading too quickly and missing stuff when I read for fun, but I'll make sure to read carefully and nitpcik the second time. heh.

Disclaimer: I dont claim to be an expert, or even a good writer. My points may be unnecessary or irrelevant.

First thoughts: I felt the intro was a bit rushed. She broke up with her boyfriend, then a few paragraphs later she's upset, calling him a jerk etc. Her thoughts and feelings on the matter could have been shown at the beginning.

The reason I call this out is that, I dont recall it ever mentioned again (I was wrong). Also, nothing about what he did or why she's upset beyond the breakup. Did he cheat on her? Did he put her down? Tell her she's not good in bed? (I'm writing as I read and just got to the point where she is discussing it with her mother, point still stands though for now)

Some might think these details are irrelevant but they dont have to be. They can inform her character and motives moving forward. Is she seducing her brother because she wanted to prove that she can, despite her ex's insults? Is it revenge on her ex cheating? etc. Also, if the reasons dont matter, then neither does the mention of it at all.

Just something to think about.

"Both her and her brother were visiting for the holidays" - that should be "Both she and her brother..." I suggest installing Grammarly. Its free and it can point out errors like this for you. Just a suggestion. Just a warning though, its rewording suggestions often strip the test of its original meaning and nuance, so dont rely on it beyond fixing typos etc.

"Excited to see her younger brother, she stood there waiting in the driveway with an excited smile." Probably could reword this to not reuse the word 'excited'.

"Perhaps she was starved of affection and intimacy from the break up, but she wanted to be noticed by a guy. She was too caught up in the moment to care that it was her brother."

Here's the motivation I was hoping for, nice, but I can't help feeling it could have been a bit stronger?

I guess you're using third person omniscient? (Again, I'm not a pro writer by any stretch!) I think its working but normally I try to stick to one pov and only change on a scene change. Again, not saying your story is wrong on this point, just not what I'm used to.

""Fuck," she whispered to herself so as to not be heard again. "I can never get a moment to myself around here." She let out a frustrated sigh over having to postpone her pleasure yet again. Forgoing her bra and panties, she threw on a skirt and a fresh white tank top then went down to dinner."

I remember the lack of panties comes up later. It might have been hotter if it was intentionally a way to seduce him, rather than it just happened? Just a suggestion.

I liked the scene at dinner.

I think I'll have to continue later with the rest of the pages. I hope it help so far.

Wow. Thanks so much. You've given me so much to work with.

Especially around the third person POV aspect. The last feedback I got related to that was to just write in the third person in the past tense. Perhaps this is the next level. I must look into this more and stick it through. Anything I've looked up on this, has just made me more confused ha ha.

No need to review the rest of it.

Send me the link to the story that you'd like me to provide feedback on. Although you seem more knowledgeable about writing, perhaps I could provide feedback (read: opinion) with my Reader's cap on at the least.

- Fiona

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Wow. Thanks so much. You've given me so much to work with.

Especially around the third person POV aspect. The last feedback I got related to that was to just write in the third person in the past tense. Perhaps this is the next level. I must look into this more and stick it through. Anything I've looked up on this, has just made me more confused ha ha.

No need to review the rest of it.

Send me the link to the story that you'd like me to provide feedback on. Although you seem more knowledgeable about writing, perhaps I could provide feedback (read: opinion) with my Reader's cap on at the least.

- Fiona

Mine is in my sig, but here it is: https://www.literotica.com/s/shifting-boundaries-ch-01
Thanks! I'd appreciate your opinions

This here is what I mean. I'm nowhere near this level: https://www.literotica.com/s/daddy-gets-april-fooled

I wouldn't say I'm more experienced, necessarily, that's my only story, although its 3 chapters and pretty long. What I'm inexperienced in is erotica, and I've been working on adding detail to my writing.

I find the discussion around POV confusing as well heh, but I try to follow the example of other published works, like various books. From what I understand 3rd person is inside the head of one person but from an observer pov, like I'm describing what Fiona is thinking and feeling, as well as doing. 3rd person omniscient is someone else is describing what both of us are doing, I think, which seems to be what you have.

Oh, one thing about my story is, in the first chapter I have the father in 1st person, and sometimes jump to the wife or daughter, switching to 3rd person. Some feedback I got was to not switch between the two povs so my second and third chapters are all in 3rd

 

[HaralLuhhan]

This actually explains the differences pretty well https://www.masterclass.com/articles/tips-for-writing-in-third-person-point-of-view

 

[HaralLuhhan]

According to that mine is actually omniscient, because I switch povs. But as the link says, only on scene breaks

 

[HaralLuhhan]

According to that mine is actually omniscient, because I switch povs. But as the link says, only on scene breaks

Gah! Or not lol. Its so confusing heh. (right, experienced writer here

https://nathanbransford.com/blog/2020/08/third-person-omniscient-vs-limited-vs-head-jumping

 

[StillStunned]

3P omniscient POV is where the narrator is on the outside, describing what an outside observer would see and events that they would know. This allows you to give a character's background, or to show an emotion on their face, and to apply that evenly to all the characters in your story.

It's become quite unfashionable lately, and part of that is because it's not really suited to stories that are popular now. It works well for grand sweeping tales where the events are more important than the characters, like a battle or the history of a community.

You can share details of someone's past, and even describe their thoughts, but mostly it stays on the surface. No inner dialogue, for example.

If you want to focus on a few characters, that's close or limited 3P. Each scene is told from a single character's POV, and the reader gets to share their most intimate thoughts and emotions. You can't give any information that the character doesn't know, however, and that includes how people see them or what emotion they're showing. There are workarounds ("felt his cheeks flush" or "from the man's smug smile, it was clear that her face had betrayed her emotions", or "he fought not to smile at the thought").

What you can't do is jump to another person's perspective: "The news hit Elle like a blow to the stomach. It was so surprising, so unexpected! She never thought this could happen to her. Tom saw the look of anguish on her face and the tears in her eyes." This is head-hopping. You need to stick to one person's POV for the entire scene. That doesn't mean that you can't switch to Tom's perspective for a later scene, and mention that he'd seen Elle's reaction.

3P is great if you're writing a story with multiple events or strong characters. Sci-fi and fantasy often benefit from 3P, because it gives the writer more opportunities to share information about the world.

1P POV is very like close 3P, but obviously you're limited to a single POV character. It can feel more intimate than 3P, and I find that voyeur and exhibitionist stories work best with 1P: because there's a distance between the watcher and the watched, 1P makes the story feel much closer, so that what the narrator sees, thinks and feels are all mixed together.

2P POV is tricky, and generally not appreciated much by readers. It has its uses, but I recommend scrolling through some of the recurring discussions in the Authors' Hangout before undertaking it.

 

[Audiflex]

I have a habit of reading too quickly and missing stuff when I read for fun, but I'll make sure to read carefully and nitpcik the second time. heh.

Disclaimer: I dont claim to be an expert, or even a good writer. My points may be unnecessary or irrelevant.

First thoughts: I felt the intro was a bit rushed. She broke up with her boyfriend, then a few paragraphs later she's upset, calling him a jerk etc. Her thoughts and feelings on the matter could have been shown at the beginning.

The reason I call this out is that, I dont recall it ever mentioned again (I was wrong). Also, nothing about what he did or why she's upset beyond the breakup. Did he cheat on her? Did he put her down? Tell her she's not good in bed? (I'm writing as I read and just got to the point where she is discussing it with her mother, point still stands though for now)

Some might think these details are irrelevant but they dont have to be. They can inform her character and motives moving forward. Is she seducing her brother because she wanted to prove that she can, despite her ex's insults? Is it revenge on her ex cheating? etc. Also, if the reasons dont matter, then neither does the mention of it at all.

Just something to think about.

"Both her and her brother were visiting for the holidays" - that should be "Both she and her brother..." I suggest installing Grammarly. Its free and it can point out errors like this for you. Just a suggestion. Just a warning though, its rewording suggestions often strip the test of its original meaning and nuance, so dont rely on it beyond fixing typos etc.

"Excited to see her younger brother, she stood there waiting in the driveway with an excited smile." Probably could reword this to not reuse the word 'excited'.

"Perhaps she was starved of affection and intimacy from the break up, but she wanted to be noticed by a guy. She was too caught up in the moment to care that it was her brother."

Here's the motivation I was hoping for, nice, but I can't help feeling it could have been a bit stronger?

I guess you're using third person omniscient? (Again, I'm not a pro writer by any stretch!) I think its working but normally I try to stick to one pov and only change on a scene change. Again, not saying your story is wrong on this point, just not what I'm used to.

""Fuck," she whispered to herself so as to not be heard again. "I can never get a moment to myself around here." She let out a frustrated sigh over having to postpone her pleasure yet again. Forgoing her bra and panties, she threw on a skirt and a fresh white tank top then went down to dinner."

I remember the lack of panties comes up later. It might have been hotter if it was intentionally a way to seduce him, rather than it just happened? Just a suggestion.

I liked the scene at dinner.

I think I'll have to continue later with the rest of the pages. I hope it help so far.

This is such a thoughtful critique! You’ve got a great eye for detail, and your points about motivation and pacing are spot on. Digging deeper into why the breakup happened could definitely add layers to her character and make her actions more compelling. And yeah, Grammarly is a lifesaver for typos, though you’re right about its rewording suggestions sometimes missing the mark. The idea of her intentionally forgoing panties as part of a seduction plan is a fun twist, it could add more tension and intentionality to her actions. Keep going with the feedback; it’s super helpful!

 

[HaralLuhhan]

This is such a thoughtful critique! You’ve got a great eye for detail, and your points about motivation and pacing are spot on. Digging deeper into why the breakup happened could definitely add layers to her character and make her actions more compelling. And yeah, Grammarly is a lifesaver for typos, though you’re right about its rewording suggestions sometimes missing the mark. The idea of her intentionally forgoing panties as part of a seduction plan is a fun twist, it could add more tension and intentionality to her actions. Keep going with the feedback; it’s super helpful!

Thanks, very kind of you to say, although unfortunately I'm not sure my own efforts reflect that eye for detail

 

[Audiflex]

Thanks, very kind of you to say, although unfortunately I'm not sure my own efforts reflect that eye for detail

And makes you say that?

 

[Audiflex]

3P omniscient POV is where the narrator is on the outside, describing what an outside observer would see and events that they would know. This allows you to give a character's background, or to show an emotion on their face, and to apply that evenly to all the characters in your story.

It's become quite unfashionable lately, and part of that is because it's not really suited to stories that are popular now. It works well for grand sweeping tales where the events are more important than the characters, like a battle or the history of a community.

You can share details of someone's past, and even describe their thoughts, but mostly it stays on the surface. No inner dialogue, for example.

If you want to focus on a few characters, that's close or limited 3P. Each scene is told from a single character's POV, and the reader gets to share their most intimate thoughts and emotions. You can't give any information that the character doesn't know, however, and that includes how people see them or what emotion they're showing. There are workarounds ("felt his cheeks flush" or "from the man's smug smile, it was clear that her face had betrayed her emotions", or "he fought not to smile at the thought").

What you can't do is jump to another person's perspective: "The news hit Elle like a blow to the stomach. It was so surprising, so unexpected! She never thought this could happen to her. Tom saw the look of anguish on her face and the tears in her eyes." This is head-hopping. You need to stick to one person's POV for the entire scene. That doesn't mean that you can't switch to Tom's perspective for a later scene, and mention that he'd seen Elle's reaction.

3P is great if you're writing a story with multiple events or strong characters. Sci-fi and fantasy often benefit from 3P, because it gives the writer more opportunities to share information about the world.

1P POV is very like close 3P, but obviously you're limited to a single POV character. It can feel more intimate than 3P, and I find that voyeur and exhibitionist stories work best with 1P: because there's a distance between the watcher and the watched, 1P makes the story feel much closer, so that what the narrator sees, thinks and feels are all mixed together.

2P POV is tricky, and generally not appreciated much by readers. It has its uses, but I recommend scrolling through some of the recurring discussions in the Authors' Hangout before undertaking it.

This is such a clear breakdown of POVs! You’re spot on, 3P omniscient is great for big, sweeping stories, but it’s fallen out of favour for more character driven narratives. Close 3P is perfect for diving deep into a character’s thoughts while keeping some narrative distance, and avoiding head-hopping is key. 1P is super intimate, especially for stories where the narrator’s perspective is central, like voyeur/exhibitionist tales. And yeah, 2P is a tough sell, it’s niche and tricky to pull off. Great insights for anyone figuring out which POV fits their story!

 

[HaralLuhhan]

And makes you say that?

Actually I guess I'm ok as far as plotting goes, but I know I struggle a bit when filling in the details. I'ma fairly new writer too

 

[FionasFantasyFiction]

@StillStunned agreed with Audiflex, your summary of the POVs is good and really helped clear things up. Thanks so much.

@HaralLuhhan Thanks for the links, I'll be sure to give them a read. I still haven't forgetting to review your story. That chapter one was just... wow... it was something. I do plan to write something up, just caught up with other things for the time being.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

@StillStunned agreed with Audiflex, your summary of the POVs is good and really helped clear things up. Thanks so much.

@HaralLuhhan Thanks for the links, I'll be sure to give them a read. I still haven't forgetting to review your story. That chapter one was just... wow... it was something. I do plan to write something up, just caught up with other things for the time being.

Thanks, and take your time. No rush!

 

[Audiflex]

Actually I guess I'm ok as far as plotting goes, but I know I struggle a bit when filling in the details. I'ma fairly new writer too

Don't worry you've still got time to improve

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Hey folks,

So I've just gotten back into writing after a long break. I'd like to really improve my writing skills so I'm kindly requesting feedback on one of my stories:
https://www.literotica.com/s/a-mother-daughter-rivalry-ch-01

It's part of a three part series that I've completed writing. (I have just submitted Ch02). I will be taking any feedback from this and using it in my next series or standalone stories.

I'm more than happy to exchange feedback in the same genre or at least of a very similar nature.

TIA

So, I read part 2. Over all I liked it. Hot scene with Mom

To be honest though, the first part didnt really work for me. I tend to prefer stories like this to at least be plausible, despite the nature of the story. If you dont want to worry about plausibility thats fine too.

To me, it isnt plausible that the brother and sister would have such a conversation 2 weeks after their encounter, instead of the next day. What happened in the intervening 2 weeks? Did they avoid each other? If so, why? If not, why not?

And they wait until a family gathering of all places, to discuss it? I think some more build-up would have worked better here. Have Luke frustrated by his sister's refusals of him build up over the 2 weeks, leaving him more pliable for Mom later. Also, if I was writing it, I wouldn't have the relatives involved. I'd have the 'milf' discussion done in a different way (not entirely sure how), and have mom then ask him about it in private, with Sister noticing they went off alone and feeling jealous maybe.

Also, you seem to have diffused the rivalry in the title by having the sister (apparently) entirely lose interest. Mom isnt really competing against anyone at that point it seems? I assume that changes in part 3, but would have been nice to have some foreshadowing in part 2.

Also the last page has this:

54657yughkjd76iyuoi


Not sure where that came from

Finally, chapter 1 seemed to be setting up something with 'netflix and chill', but in chapter 2 it was forgotten.