Would love feedback

[Naughty_Misty]

My first stories were published! I would love to hear some feedback if you have time.

this one is incest/taboo
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=492046

and

fetish
http://www.literotica.com/members/submissions_submit_story.php?storyid=492014

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Misty, and congrats on getting your first stories posted.

The link to the fetish story doesn’t work, should be;

Potty Training

Taking the two separately, you write nicely in John and Melissa but you give far too much detail that probably makes quite a few readers click back early and – serious sin – there is no ending!!! Even in chapter stories you need to draw the action to a conclusion which you don’t do.

The trick is to get readers hooked which means jumping straight into the action. You play out a repetition of Melissa’s growing pains which we don’t need. Then you repeat yourself with John ‘thinking’ the same things. If you just ignore the first paragraph and tell the reaction from John’s point of view – sexy girl in summer dress, oh my god, it’s my sister, what has happened – you tell us all we need at the start. You can dribble in Melissa’s feelings as they get reacquainted, yes – dialogue – which you don’t use enough. It is a very quick way of advancing a story.

Your paragraphs are a tad long for a rolling, backlit screen. Max 8 lines seem the best here. But dialogue is even better.

I’m no great fan of fetish so my comments on ‘Potty training’ may not be helpful, even so.

In the intense reaction, wouldn’t it be more exciting and punchy if much more of the story was told in dialogue? The heroine (?) is forcing her partner to accept changes in his life. This needs to be much more dynamic and vocal than, ‘he was told to drink water’. You don’t bring out the interpersonal tension enough.

All that said, I offer the comments because I think you write well and, with advice from the usual suspects here, you will plot/construct your stories even better.

Congrats again, girl done well.

 

[Naughty_Misty]

Ahhh thank you for the feedback.

I didn't realize (guess I was to stupid to notice) that the amount of text that can fit on one line was different than what I was using. Will fix that in future chapters. So I appreciate you pointing out the difference in the length. Will also remember to use dialogue when writing future episodes of those two... yes there are at least 2 more episodes finished.

I wrote part one in such a way that if people told me I sucked and they didn't want me to keep submitting stuff then at least the story could end with that ONE story. The second chapter is already submitted, so I can't really change that one. However I will go back and look at the third chapter (which I just finished) with a new eye.

 

[SwiverGuy]

A very good start

Of your two stories, I enjoyed Potty Training the most, even though it's in a category I've never explored (maybe I should!).

Elfin odalisque makes some very good points. I assume that the point about starting with action means the inciting incident, the event which kicks the whole story off. This isn't necessarily anything sexual, although it's probably helps to hook the reader in if you can hint at the action to come and get some sort of conflict and sexual tension going.

Cheers,
SwiverGuy