Would love feedback on my poem "Life"

[Psaryce]

Hi to all,

I just had my first poem approved! ( the url is http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=274735)

As I wrote it a few years back and never (until now) plucked up the nerve to show it publicly - I would love constructive feedback and comments. Please don't hold back - if you think it's rubbish then let me know why

A HUGE thank you to anyone who reads it and sincere appreciation in advance to any who let me know what they think.


PS: If I have posted this somewhere I shouldn't please forgive me

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Hi to all,

I just had my first poem approved! ( the url is http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=274735)

As I wrote it a few years back and never (until now) plucked up the nerve to show it publicly - I would love constructive feedback and comments. Please don't hold back - if you think it's rubbish then let me know why

A HUGE thank you to anyone who reads it and sincere appreciation in advance to any who let me know what they think.


PS: If I have posted this somewhere I shouldn't please forgive me

I enjoyed your poem. I am unsure that the title does it justice or depicts your intent, never the less, thanks for the read.

 

[Psaryce]

Spot On!

Thank you Erotic Trail for your response and I am glad that you enjoyed it!

I think you could be right. After reflecting on your comments, I suspect I may have a tendency to oversimplify my titles. Definitely something for me to work on - a challenge!

Thanks again

 

[Liar]

Hi and welcome to the forum, Psaryce.

I thought I'd paste your poem into here so I can comment on it more directly. Unfortunately, the text indents don't translate. But IMO, you don't need those anyway.

---------------

Life

It's dark and it's lonely
living in this world
And I cannot see through
all the pain in this girl.
I tried to be patient;
I tried to be true,
But still I find that I have feelings for you.

I go through the motions
of living a life,
But I am not living
when I play with knives.
I thought I'd have you
and that you wanted me
But it is companions that you want to be.

So I am alone,
it's no stranger to me,
I understand you
and the way that you see.
But if I had my way,
I'd have never been born,
I'd just wait and watch the world as it mourns.

-------------

Ok, so what can I say about your poem? Remember, these are just my personal opinions, take em as you wish.

First of all let's look at the form. A pretty regular rhyming verse format with rhymes that does its job. The rhymes and meter are not perfect, but they don't need to be either. It definitely works and flows nicely when read. I do wonder about some lines, like "all the pain in this girl" (Are you the girl, is it some third person, or are you talking to the girl?) It seems more like something thrown in in order to make it rhyme intead of the best phrase to get the message through.

Now, the content. I can see what kind of story and emotion you are trying to make, boy meets girl, boy falls head over heels, girl doesn't, boy gets depressed. (Or girl meets boy, girl meets girl etc. your poem doesn't tell, and it doesn't matter, it's a universal theme. ) Not a bad theme for a poem, and one that it's easy to relate to.

But the problem for me is that I don't manage to relate to it anyway. Because the poem doesn't make me feel it. It just informs me that the writer is having the blues. It doesn't show me what that means, how that looks, feels... I think you need examples (or perhaps just one very good example) to illustrate the sadness and loneliness, instead of repeating "I am unhappy and lonely" several different ways.

Here's IMO a god example of how to show a similar sense of loss, from a young Swedish author/poet called Johanna Säf that I'm reading right now. (translation by me)

This morning on the subway, you slipped your hand into mine. Like you always used to do. And I smiled until the lady in the seat across looked away, blushing.

Except you didn't, of course. You haven't for years. And when I looked down at the palms in my lap, there was nobody there.

Well, that's my 2c. Best of luck on your writing, and have fun. that's the most important part.