Would like some feedback

[OnnaDare]

Hello!
I'd like some feedback from you guys...I'm new to this. (duh!)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=490774

Specifically, is it too long? Not enough sex? This was done "on a dare," a challenge from a writer friend, and it was fun! Should I "keep it up," so to speak?

Thanks in advance to all...

 

[Litbridge]

Well written, grammatical, entertaining, engaging and detailed. What's not to like? For feedback on length, see my comment on Jimmyjoyce's thread -- Odd feedback. Is it sexy enough? It has all the right ingredients and descriptions are creative with just the right imagery. I would suggest you find more people willing to extend further 'dares'. Your talent for erotica should not be left to go dormant.

I liked the story well enough and your writing style is advanced. It was for me an easy read. Keep at it. Would suggest breaking up the paras a bit for easier scanning. Other than that....

 

[ilike2read82]

I agree with everything Litbridge said. This was a very well-written story, better than about 99% of what gets posted here. I didn't notice any typos or grammatical errors. The only problem I noticed was a few cases of a break in a sentence in the middle of a paragraph.

I also agree with the suggestion to break up the paragraphs a bit. Somehow it's easier to read shorter blocks of text on a computer screen.

 

[driphoney]

I left you a little review of sorts here.

I hope it does more good than harm. I think attracting the attention of fellow writers can sometimes drive a score down as you won't find harsher critics (or jealous ones, either) than other writers.

You have some grammar issues, and as has been pointed out, paragraphs should probably be shorter for easy reading on the computer. I'm sure others might come along and speak of showing and not telling, but you did a good job and every detail probably doesn't need to be demo-ed. Some of the peripheral info might bother some, too, but I love a full story. I want to know these people. Since this story isn't intended to go on for a few chapters where details could be sprinkled in later, I liked some of the added back-story.

Thanks for sharing. Hope you write some more.

 

[yarnspinnerr]

I was also wondering if MY stories are too long. I read some of the other replies here and am encouraged. I have written a series of stories and have just submitted the 7th ch, I noticed that my "no. of views has dropped off with each one and I get very few comments.
I'll make a deal wth ya. I'll read yours if you'll read mine? Then we can compare notes.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I was also wondering if MY stories are too long. I read some of the other replies here and am encouraged. I have written a series of stories and have just submitted the 7th ch, I noticed that my "no. of views has dropped off with each one and I get very few comments.
I'll make a deal wth ya. I'll read yours if you'll read mine? Then we can compare notes.

post a link to your stories, or add a link to your profile on the story section, and I will be happy to read your stories and vote

and don't be alarmed, almost all multi-part stories have viewer drop-off. Who wants to start reading seven chapters into a story?

 

[Toqueme]

.....

 

[OnnaDare]

Thanks!
I did try with my next story (See thread above) to sort out my issues with grammar, POV, and punctuation. Oh, and shorter paragraphs, too. And more sex!
Hope you enjoy!
Onna