Would like some feedback on Food Porn

[Arancini_Love]

Hi all,

New author. I'm just looking for feedback. I am new to the site, and I am just trying to figure out navigation, etc. I placed these stories in Humor & Satire, because I had no where else to put them:

https://www.literotica.com/s/posole-pork-butt-love

https://www.literotica.com/s/50-shades-of-roast-duck

BTW...is it possible to post a story under more than one topic?

Thanks!

Arancini

 

[PaigeMcAbee]

Liked it

Five stars for Posole but what else could you expect form a mixture of pepper seeds, wooden spoons and a Mexican accent?

Re posting in two categories, maybe if it was submitted twice? Not sure if that's allowed. I guess you could PM Laurel.

 

[sr71plt]

No, you can't post to more than one category, nor can you multiple post stories. It the Web site finds them, they'll reduce it to one copy posted.

 

[myindeeds]

50 Shades of Roast Duck

* Interesting story.

* Your sentences are too short. I believe the conversational style you were aiming for needed sentences the length of paragraphs. They should have been long, almost rambling sentences so that the story feels in touch with the reality. So less "writerly" metaphors unless they are intentionally delusional.

* It wasn't wasn't funny. The comedy largely fell flat with me because the obsession with the food was strange but it didn't feel out of place for the dinner situation. I think you should have focused your writing on the serious romantic side and only much later deviated into a strange food obsession. Maybe something like how the duck was probably forcibly raped by another duck or something else which is really weird (which your deviant character is trying/failing/succeeding/failing to make erotic).

* You missed the funny bone this time but I believe you can you can write something truly amazing if you try this idea again. How about next time you start with the same romantic dinner and only later deviating into a violent case of food poisoning. I'm don't think sexualising the food is weird enough.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I read "jew Posole story ana I haf juice ah foo tings to say"

I would have thought some sort of taco or chimichanga was the national dish, mole never came to mind. Since it's humor, broaden it a little for those of us who think authentic is Taco Bell.

Your first paragraph had me thinking you were narrating and just speaking to me. Your second paragraph confused me since not all of your readers will be female, but I autocorrected and thought you have a date over and are speaking to her now. I am basically the lurker in the closet.

"Hand on your cheek"

Confused...this was like a screenplay where they list the actions next to the dialogue.

I don't know which point of view you are going for so I read the story the way I thought made the most sense. You have a date over and most of your dialogue is with her, but you occassionally break out of your reality to direct comments to me, the reader. Between the second paragraph and "stop rolling your eyes" you are story telling and giving background. Since I looked at it as if you are speaking this, I passed over the multiple 'and' in a single sentence.

"Ok I say to you"

Small brain freeze until I sorted out that this you is your date. I would like this paragraph to be a bit more flirty and charming. In the next you call her babe and tell her to crack open some wine. I would like the same feel when you explain the game and what it means for her to lose.

"I give you four large onions..." This isn't consistent with the speaking in other parts of the story. When talking with your date, you are direct and tell her what you need, open the wine, for example. I would change any of the-I do this or that-sentences to mirror the wine opening conversation.

"Chop these four onions babe, not too fine..."

Awesome* spelling error, but I like the feel of the conversation here. You are answering her questions as a way to give the reader information about the recipe without listing it out in a boring format. It also gives you some personality. You said before that you were cocky, but this starts to show it a little.

The caps thing line...don't need it. I gave you a pass for speaking and saying 'and' more than one time in a sentence. This line pulls me out of the "he is talking to me" feel back to "oh, I'm just reading", which means I need to revisit that. I don't want to.

Skipping a detailed critique on the rest because the pov I picked might not be the one you intended. I don't want to point out every sentence that doesn't fit because it's too much. Quotes when speaking to your date and no quotes when speaking to the reader would be an easy fix to align with the way I read it.

Some quickies...I don't know what umami is, explaining it as you did with the posole corn would be good. I hate corn tortillas, I only eat flour, I don't understand the weather channel thing, her Mexican broken English parody was funny and I thought your chicken vs pork rant should be more humorous instead of a man on the verge of a breakdown. That being said, I do agree that saving calories isn't a good enough reason to change an authentic dish. Eat salad for a week instead

Overall it wasn't a difficult read once I chose a pov. He came off as a man obsessed, close to the edge instead of just a guy cooking his best dish. I didn't get any feel of eroticism while reading this. His mistaking his date with Mrs. Lopez and being so focused on her was stalkerish instead of sexy. There was the brief interlude on the couch but it was like an on/off switch. When he went back to cooking all the flirting stops and isn't mentioned again until the next couch visit. He could have at least bumped his bottle of wine or she could have tried to cork him

Not a bad story at all. I like the conversational parts and I will come back to read your other story, maybe not critique it, but just to get a better feel of your style.