Would like some feedback on Chapter 7 of Kelsi’s Adventures

[WW2Mike]

https://www.literotica.com/s/kelsis-adventures-ch-07

This is about Kelsi as a now 44-year-old mother to her 20-year-old adult son Kelsian. Takes place 20 years after the events of Chapter 1-6 (where Kelsi was a 24 year old woman).

Do they display any real relationship problems throughout Chapter 7?

 

[Ilfen1]

I'll just echo what other critics have said: mixed tenses need to be fixed. Otherwise it's so distracting as to be border-line unreadable, never mind any thoughts on relationship problems or what have you.

In the first line where you presumable start your narrative:

"Mom, what's for dinner tonight?" said Kelsian, who asks his mother Kelsi if she has any dinner to cook for the night.

You have a jarring change to the infinitive tense by using "asks" instead of "asked" , as well as restating redundant information. If he already asked Mom what's for dinner tonight, then literally every word after "Kelsian" serves no other purpose but to pad the word count.

So go through the story, change all the tenses in the narrative to past, cut out the redundant information if it's already been stated in dialogue.

edit: I regret responding. It appears this author reposts the same thing repeatedly, soliciting feedback in the form of questions.

 

[AlinaX]

On the subject of repetition, allow me to ask: Is Kelsi's cynically jaded behaviour a result of her past relationship with her father, or more down to irritation with the way she is written?

 

[WW2Mike]

On the subject of repetition, allow me to ask: Is Kelsi's cynically jaded behaviour a result of her past relationship with her father, or more down to irritation with the way she is written?

That depends. With her cynically jaded behavior, does she treat her adult son well or not?

 

[WW2Mike]

Kelsi turns around from getting into an angry argument with her adult son to dressing up in a leather biker suit to corner her adult son Kelsian while he's sitting in the toilet and she plays with him.