Would like some feedback. First time writing

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  • Needs A Lot of Work

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TeamCuff

Virgin
Joined
Dec 10, 2011
Posts
1
It's in the non-consent/reluctance category.

CHAPTER 1
Abigail was just returning home from her last day of high school. She was ecstatic. Her life could finally begin. She had been accepted to one of the top colleges on an athletic scholarship and everything was great. Abigail was a 5’ 5” soccer star with long toned legs and flat stomach courtesy of her continual workout schedule. However, her large 36 D breasts were due to genetics. She entered her house as always at around 3:45. Her parents don’t get home until about 7 every night, giving her plenty of time to relax by the pool alone before dinner.
Little did Abigail know someone else knew her routine. Rick sat watching from his perch not fifty yards away with a pair of binoculars as she undressed and put on her smallest of bathing suits. Her large breasts spilling out and her nice toned ass just visible through her bikini bottoms. Then she went to lay out by the pool. Rick knew that it was the last day of school and that only her parents would miss her tonight, because today was the time he had picked to finally snatch the girl of his fantasy from her perfect life and place her into his. But by the time they would realize that she wasn’t out celebrating with her friends, she’d be long gone and in a totally different world.

As Abigail settled into a tanning chair by the pool with her celebratory rum and coke that no one had to know about, she plugged in her iPod and started jamming out to her Top 40s hits, jiggling her luscious breasts as she bounced in her seat to the beat. She applied the sun tan lotion to every other part of her body before moving to her breasts. Not wanting any upper tan lines, she checked around to make sure no one could see her and removed her bikini top. Then spreading the lotion over her breasts and just for fun slowly rubbing her nipples to make them hard. Somehow she always got a kick out of that and couldn’t wait for someone to do that to her one day.

Rick watched this little procession go on and started to feel his cock throb with impatience. Oh how badly he wanted that body, those bulbous breasts in his hands, her pussy swallowing all his cock, oh he could feel his cock begin to harden more and more at the mere thought of bending her to his every whim. Once he got her back to his mansion, she would be his main girl. No one else would get to touch her. While the other girls were passed around between his sons and employees, she would be all his. And as he watched her doze off quickly due to the alcohol he slid down from his hidden perch in the trees. His plan was about to begin and he could not wait.


CHAPTER 2
Abigail woke up to the strange feeling of sheets on her. She sprang up thinking her parents had caught her passed out half nude by the pool and she was in BIG trouble. She then realized something was amiss, this wasn’t her room, this wasn’t her bed. She could see through the dim lighting there was a door, a table and two chairs, and a flat screen TV and a door that led to who knows where. And even though all four walls were concrete, at least the floor was carpeted. Her head began to pound. As she raised her hand to her head to try and stop its throbbing, she her the jingle of metal… She had chains connected to her wrists and ankles! She sat there shocked, not realizing how in the world this could have happened. Then she became conscious of the feel of the sheets rubbing her pubic hair—her bikini bottoms were gone! This scared her to death; here she was in an unknown place, stark naked, chained to a bed and not knowing who was going to walk through the door…

Rick watched Abigail on the screen, as he could see her try and comprehend her predicament and calm herself. Ahhhh, he loved this camera angle, straight forward to the bed. This would come in handy when he fucked her soon. It would make an excellent addition to his collection. He got up from his chair to go introduce himself. He was already a little hard.

Back in the room, Abigail was freaking out. What in the world was happening? What did this person want from her? She was still contemplating this as she heard the door unlock and slide open. A man entered. Sizing him up, he was about 6’ 2”, probably about 200 pounds of pure lean muscle that stretched both his shirt and pants, in his early 30s with wavy dark hair. Quickly taking up the sheets in her hands to cover her naked body, she cowered from her intruder.
“Now, now is that a way to greet your master?... Abigail.” She looked at him in shock.
“M…m…master?” She replied. “What the hell is going on here!?” becoming indignant.
“Ah yes, the inevitable question. Well, what is going on here is that you are now my new sex toy and I am your master,” he said matter-of-factly. “You will address me as such and you will like it.” He stated as he sat down on the bed next to her. “You will NOT cover up when I enter,” ripping the sheet from her body, “instead you will act like you are glad to see me, and in time you’ll find you won’t be acting,” slowly sliding his hand up her leg until it was resting on her thigh.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Totally ignoring his hand. “What the hell do you want from me?!”

“Ha ha ha,” he laughed. “No, I’m not kidding you darling, but I will be fucking you,” he replied with a sneer, squeezing her leg and slowly moved his hand to stroke her inner thigh. So close to that virgin pussy… oh how bad he wanted to just rip her legs open and pound that succulent piece of flesh, but he resisted. He wanted her to be ready and to know it was coming.

Abigail couldn’t believe her ears. She had only heard about these kinds of things happening on porn movies that her guy friends discussed. She never imagined she would actually ever be in this situation, or that these actually existed. She was completely terrified now. “P…p…please, sir. I’m a virgin. Please just let me go and I swear I’ll never tell anyone,” she pleaded. Hoping that by some slim chance this guy actually had a heart. He didn’t.

“You’re right. You won’t tell anyone, because you’re never going to leave this building and only if you’re good will you be allowed to leave this room. And remember, it’s MASTER,” he emphasized with a pinch of the inner thigh, getting a yelp for his actions. Her skin was so soft, her legs so long and toned… he couldn’t wait to be in between them fucking her brains out.
“Yes m… m… master.”

“Gooood. Submit to me baby. Don’t fight it,” he said, as his hand slowly started moving over the lips of her pussy, searching for the entrance to her virgin love hole. They were already wet with her anticipation… he cocked his eyebrow at her and she blushed while trying to close her legs. For this she got another pinch on the inner thigh. She reluctantly opened her legs back up and he immediately inserted his middle finger into her soaking hole. Eliciting a big moan from Abigail as her pussy muscles tighten in delight. Rick slowly started moving his finger in and out, rotating it to hit all of her spots.

Abigail sat back against the plump pillows in pure ecstasy, her ex-boyfriend had fingered her before, but she just now realized that didn’t have a clue what he was doing, but this guy did… holy cow did he know exactly what to do inside her. “Ohhhh!” she moaned in pleasure. Without realizing she opened her legs wider so Rick could have better access.

“Yeah, that’s right baby, open up for me. You like my fingers inside your soaking pussy, you can’t get enough can you?” He said as he shoved a second finger inside her, using his thumb to massage her clit and using his other hand to caress her precious orbs. He was so hard that he thought his zipper was going to bust from the pushing and throbbing of his 8-inch cock. If he didn’t get out of here fast, he was going to fuck the shit out of Abigail before he planned, but he had to make her come first before he left.

As Rick was shoving and rotating his two fingers inside Abigail and massaging her breasts, she was going out of her mind crazy in enjoyment. Her breathing had quickened and with every out breath came a loud moan. She couldn’t think straight anymore and starting meeting his incoming fingers with a thrust of her own. Every muscle began to tighten and she lifted herself off the bed in complete surrender as she came on his fingers, her pussy juices coating his hand in seconds. He continued to finger her through her massive orgasm then removed as she lay there trembling, trying to recover from what her body had just experienced. He lifted his fingers to his nose and smelled her sweet scent. Ahh, there is nothing like watching a young woman recover from an orgasm you just provided and smelling the sweet scent of her virgin pussy on your hand. The way her body twitches and trembles with sweat glistening off of it. Wish I could do it again, thought Rick. Then he put his fingers in her mouth. “Suck them clean slave.” After she had sucked them off, his boner really bulging in his pants, he rose off the bed, running his hand from her toes up her legs to her warm, humongous breasts, pinching a nipple as he nibbled and kissed on her neck, eliciting a single low moan of want. His hard-on got even harder within the confines of his pants, he felt like he was about to burst.

So he got up from the bed and headed towards the door, planning on letting the wonderful sex slave recover a little before their next encounter. He was about to turn the knob to leave when he heard her moan “Master, mmmmmm.” After that it was all over, he turned away from the door, practically ran towards the bed, ripping the belt out of his pants as he was going. When he reached the bed again, Abigail looked up with surprise as he undid the button and zipper of his pants to produce his raging 8-inch cock. Not only was it 8 inches, it was also about as thick as a small wrist with veins popping out— a pretty intimidating sight for any virgin. She gasped at the sight. Still strapped down, Abigail could not move away, nor did she want to. The sight mesmerized her. Never in all her 18 years had she seen a cock that beautiful. He then got on the bed and straddled her chest, putting his cock right at the entrance of her sweet, juicy lips. He looked at her and said; “Now slave, you are to suck my cock until I am completely satisfied. You understand? Because if you bite it, or don’t satisfy my burning appetite, I might just have to do something about that,” showing her the belt that was still in his hand. “Now open up that pretty mouth of yours.” Abigail timidly opened her mouth, she didn’t know if she could fit such a monstrous cock in her mouth. “Wider!” he yelled as he slapped his belt down across her right hip. “OW!” She cried and he stuffed his cock into her mouth all the way to her throat. Abigail couldn’t breath, so she did the only thing she could—she bit down. This got her another slap with the belt on her left hip, but he backed up a little so she could breath. “Now now, what did I tell you slave about biting?!” He then began to move his cock in and out of her mouth as his pre-cum starting coming out of the tip of his dick, making her mouth even more wet and warm. “Mmmm, yeah you like sucking my cock don’t you slave? You like pleasing your master don’t you?” Slap of the belt, “USE YOUR TONGUE SLAVE! ... Mmmmm, yeah just like that. Oh baby, you’re gonna make me come so quick.” He then pressed against the back of her throat trying to go deep throat, Abigail gagged… another slap of the belt. “DAMMIT SLAVE, RELAX YOUR THROAT!” Abigail relaxed her throat as much as she knew how just as the tip of his dick reached the back of her mouth and started pressing down her throat. She found that she couldn’t breathe again, but didn’t want to get slapped, so she just tried to relax some more. His dick slid down even more. “Oh yeah slave, that’s right. Take all of my thick cock in that pretty mouth of yours. That’s right, ooooooh you love it don’t you? You love to suck your master’s rod don’t you? DON’T FORGET TO USE YOUR TONGUE SLAVE!” He yelled with another crack of the belt. At that he began to move his cock slowly in and out again, in and out of her throat. Abigail’s eyes were welling up with tears at the lack of breath and painful searing in the sides of her hips, but he kept on, picking up his pace, grabbing her hair in ecstasy, until it was like he was fucking her face. Then he just couldn’t hold his boiling cum back any longer, with a loud groan he released his load into her throat, making her swallow his salty seed. It hadn’t taken long. He had been too worked up to make it last longer. He collapsed against the headboard, completely spent and as his cock began to slowly deflate he pulled it out of her mouth. “You give one hell of a blow job slave,” he commented as he rose and zipped up his pants. He went to the door and this time actually exited the room of his now official favorite sex slave. He’ll let her sleep tonight, but tomorrow the real stuff would start…
 
I'm not a big fan of NC/reluc, so I'm going to pass over most of the story. I did, however, notice something that requires me to pull out my Realism Hat. A set of "long toned legs and flat stomach courtesy of her continual workout schedule" are contradictory with "large 36 D breasts". It's rather unlikely to have both, because that's not how human metabolism works. Maybe if she had implants.
 
I'm with CWatson, not a non-con fan, so can't give you much help there.

However, I also have to agree with her having large breasts. I'm not saying there aren't female athletes out there with large busts, but breasts are largely fatty tissue, so if someone is rigorous in staying fit, they simply won't (likely) have breasts as you've described. If you want her to be large-breasted, then take away the athletics at this level; she could keep in shape just with regular workouts.

Also, the "laundry" list description of her stats is pretty boring. In my experience people prefer those details kind of dropped in from time to time. You could do her height in relation to someone or something else, for example. You could describe her hair color perhaps when she's brushing it and looking in the mirror.

And is there even a Top 40 anymore? I mean I remember that but then, I'm old enough to remember it.
 
I didn't read very much, but you should probably work in something about her age too. She could well be 18, which is the minimum allowable age, but she could also be just 17. :eek:
 
I read lots of Non-con, actually, I can give you feedback. It is actually constructive although I warn you now, it's probably not what you want to hear.

The story is very weak. You've got all the basic elements of motive, opportunity, and action, okay detail and clear description (if a little boring with the "laundry list"). However, it's very, very rushed, and the interaction hasn't got much tension at all, nor any realism. You imply your abductor/rapist has sons working with him and they have a veritable harem of girls; well, that takes some experience, resources, and power (social, political, economical, take your pick) to pull it off.

Non-consent *always* takes an exchange of power in order to be hot, a convincing domination of will.

It takes a much stronger will than a "chain and yell", more demonstration of control/power, and far more time, tension, and stress to go from a "why the fuck have you tied me up, jerk?" to a "oh, I'm hot for you, master."

BDSM experts will tell you the same thing: only a poser walks up to someone and demands of a sub from the start to be called "Master."

A real Master earns that title with time, effort, and trust. That's the submission of the power: being convinced it is a good idea to release yourself into the care and let go of your inhibitions with this person. I'd also mention that a convincing, experienced Master rarely finds the need to yell at the sub.

That's also part of the core of a force fantasy, and the same applies to this story.

Near as I can tell, this rapist wants the power without the writer having the patience or understanding of how to get there. The scene is just meant to be easy as possible with no difficulty or unexpected occurrences for the dominator to overcome.

The rush/thrill in non-con is often the challenge, the resistance, and thinking on your feet. Where is the fun in grabbing a fragile flower who crumples to a will-less puppet in under two minutes?

The scenario's basically fine (common, in fact), but there's nothing convincing or extraordinary about it, I'm afraid. It needs a lot of work (and at least double or triple the length) to become something that would make the non-Con (female) fans get out their vibrators.
 
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