Would like feedback on stories so far

[Butchheathway]

I am looking for comments/feedback on stories published so far...
More to come hopefully.


https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5326786&page=submissions

 

[yowser]

I have only read the first of your Amsterdam 2-part series, I liked it a lot. I'll take a look at your others and get back if I have more to offer.

Your strengths are obvious, a talent for description that is not excessive but pulls up a clear image, movement in the story itself, building tension and sustaining the reader's desire to find out what is next. Erotic tension is not always easily captured and you do a dexterous job of this.

Most of my negative comments are on the small side, as your overall writing skills are good.

Your characters are interesting but I wouldn't mind a shade more fleshing out. You do outline their personalities nicely with dialog.

A few sentences where initial words weren't capitalised, some minor grammar and punctuation issues, (overuse of the ellipsis ... ) nothing that cannot be fixed with another copy-editing pass or a proof read by another (picky) reader.

I personally loathe the description cliches (perky breasts, etc) and the measurement details (always sounds like the narrator goes around with a tape measure, but at least in this story the narrator would know his spouse's size) although lots of authors include them. I think you will have tighter stories by eliminating them and finding different ways to describe alluring body-parts.)

Also, ditch (or minimise) the long vocalisations: mmmmmm, ooohhh, etc. They get awfully tiresome.

I hope you keep writing, Lit is an interesting laboratory for more efforts, and your story-telling capacity has some promising room for experimentation.

 

[Butchheathway]

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
My imperfect grammar does seem to trigger some people though.
I’ll have a dig through your stories, hopefully get some inspiration.
Thanks again.

 

[irvingsmusings]

Butch, I read your Dirty Pool story and enjoyed it. It's an interesting premise, and I liked that Mary was initially a little shy and needed a little encouragement from her husband.

All the basic mechanics of grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. looked pretty good to me.

Here are a few suggestions.
1. Expand the introduction to include more background on Mary, and perhaps more about Dave (the narrator) along the way.
2. Make it a longer, slower build to the point where Mary returns from the toilet and fully exposes herself.
3. Provide more time for Mary to engage with the strangers before beginning oral sex.

If Mary has the chance to become more excited, that will increase her motivation to participate in a public multi-partner sex act, and will make the story more realistic and believable.

You have some good ideas, hope you stick with it.

 

[Butchheathway]

Thanks for the feedback, I might look at doing a rewrite/edit on this story.
I do tend to get a bit excited and plunge into the sex as quickly as possible

 

[Butchheathway]

New story added

 

[suestevenson143]

Good read

 

[Butchheathway]

Would like feedback etc

Thanks, I’ve posted more stories, some in exhibition and voyeur and some in illustrated, 5 pending, 1 of them submitted over a month ago!

 

[Venswithe]

Cool, thanks for the feedback on the story, and bro I love Amsterdam the story is pretty good and I love it after that I start reading essay on doctors and other stuff on this website https://writinguniverse.com/free-essay-examples/humanities/ how the doctors save people and about humanities I love their essay samples

 

[Butchheathway]

Bump!

 

[Mastered_again]

I read Wife Exposed at Resort

The premise is good, but there's not much character development or scene setting. The story jumps too much, like the only point is to get to the sex. Even there, Wendy jumps from being pissed about getting watched while in the water, going to the beach and wanting to fuck. Plus the bit about a stranger watching/participating role playing is just dumped in. There's no reason for us to care about Wendy. The whole story has no flow or cohesiveness. Just sex scenes with bits of dialog

 

[Butchheathway]

A few stories added since I last visited this forum

 

[Ghostwriter100]

A few stories added since I last visited this forum

I'll give 'em a read!

 

[Ghostwriter100]

Hey man, sorry for the delay there. I read your Wife Wendy pictures in the park one.
I admit this is the first time reading a erotic story with illustrations in it but hey, what I see so far is good.
It's hands on, I dig the descriptions here. It's deffo like reading a sex blog of some kind with this guy doing this with his wife.
The pictures are well done and the sex descriptions are brill.

My only gripe I have, which may not even be your fault, is that the spacing requires more work as the walls of text can make it hard to read. Use more paragraphs if possible so you can avoid that. HOWEVER I myself have problems with the lay out with Literotica so I can see why you could have it to.

Overall, I dig the work. Good job. Please do more with illustrations if you like, you got a good thing going there.

 

[Frivolous]

Reading your latest story, the Wife Wendy one.

I'm not a fan of the present tense in the story, but I dislike more the lack of good paragraphing, especially in the parts that are mostly dialogue. Switching from narrator to Wendy and back again in the same paragraph is confusing. Adding all those 'I speak' helps a bit but irritates in another way, because it sounds weird.

If I were you I'd do alternating lines with a space between each, without bothering to use phrases like 'I speak' at all, just pure dialogue.

I'm ambiguous about the included art. On one hand, lots of people like art. On the other hand, it makes page loading a bit slow.


Ok, finished the story. Gave it 4 stars. It's a good story, it just wants better formatting, though that is only my opinion.

 

[Butchheathway]

Hey man, sorry for the delay there. I read your Wife Wendy pictures in the park one.
I admit this is the first time reading a erotic story with illustrations in it but hey, what I see so far is good.
It's hands on, I dig the descriptions here. It's deffo like reading a sex blog of some kind with this guy doing this with his wife.
The pictures are well done and the sex descriptions are brill.

My only gripe I have, which may not even be your fault, is that the spacing requires more work as the walls of text can make it hard to read. Use more paragraphs if possible so you can avoid that. HOWEVER I myself have problems with the lay out with Literotica so I can see why you could have it to.

Overall, I dig the work. Good job. Please do more with illustrations if you like, you got a good thing going there.

Thanks for reading, I know what you mean about the formatting, but it is out of my hands somewhat. I try to break up the writing into bite size chunks, but once the pictures are added, it seems to throw things out.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks for reading, I know what you mean about the formatting, but it is out of my hands somewhat. I try to break up the writing into bite size chunks, but once the pictures are added, it seems to throw things out.

You should still set the basic paragraph breaks (double returns) regardless of the illustrations.

 

[Butchheathway]

Submitted a new story ages ago, how long does it take to publish? I don’t remember it talking quite this long.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Submitted a new story ages ago, how long does it take to publish? I don’t remember it talking quite this long.

Illustrated? They're taking quite a while right now.

There may be a new policy saying Lit won't allow nudes, but it's very unclear as to what is and isn't allowed right now. It's not clear whether it applies to photos in forums, photos in stories, or original art. It's a bit of a mystery.