Would like feedback on my story

[avalanche75]

Hello All,

My first story is published.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=355114


I would really appreciate feedback, especially on the language and character development.

Thanks,

Av

 

[ellynei]

incompleted nit-picking

"He was probably the most teased around guy."

teased around guy - did you mean: teased guy around. ?

#

"But when people don't like you, still they give some kind of signals."

'still they give'

'they still give' would be more fluent here.

#

I had secret crush on her and I used to steal glances at her, and recently I had found her returning my stares.

secret crush -> a secret crush

Something else feels off about the sentence, might simply be that the 'and' before 'recently' is needless. Might be that when I read 'recently' I keep thinking 'recently to real present' and not 'recently to immediate storyline'. Well I'm not sufficiently awake to pinpoint that so, I'll try to let it rest.

#

Sometimes I wondered how come she ended up with this guy.

->

Sometimes I wondered, (italics on)How come she ended up with this guy.(italics off)

to denominate it is thinking or:

Sometimes I wondered how she came to end up with that guy.


#

Upon asking she said she has hand tremor problem and cut herself while cooking.

->(lots of trouble in this one)

Whenever (I) asked, she said she had a problem with trembling hands, and had cut herself while cooking.

or

Whenever (I) asked. she said she had cut herself while cooking, because her hands had trembled.

'I' is optional hence the parantheses.

English is not my native language, if 'hand tremor' is a name for a specific disease another phrasing to retain 'hand tremor' is an option.

#

It's getting late here, I can nit-pick language further another time if you like. So far it's small things though, the meaning shines through clearly and this early in the story it doesn't deter much.

Didn't read far yet so can't comment on other stuff - yet.

Well I'm going to bed, if you want to avoid further nit-picking you got at least one night, and some hours to post an ellynei-ward-off-message

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Kay I'm a huge stickler for smooth, believable dialogue and that really pulled me out of this story. When people speak they use contractions constantly, without them characters sound like robots or actors in a student film. The best time to not use a contraction is when a statement is being emphasized (a la "That's big." verses "That is big.") or if the setting his highly formal.

On the upside your characters have problems other than wondering about who their going to fuck next so you've already jumped miles past many of the stories on Lit.

English is not my native language, if 'hand tremor' is a name for a specific disease another phrasing to retain 'hand tremor' is an option.

Hand Tremor is an actual medical term (thought not a specific disease to my knowledge). It's not wrong but it is awkward.

 

[ellynei]

Holy fuck, crap, shit.

This story is GREAT!!!

Read the whole thing today, bloody amazing.

Go get a volunteer editor from the volunteer editor program RIGHT NOW, if that process should be slow you can try asking for one on editor forum.

Bloody hell. Fuck shit! You have me going ballistic here.

You have some very evident second language issues here that detracts, but the storyline, the imagery. The strength of your characters!!! It is strong! Effective!

GET an EDITOR right now, this story is too fucking great to not be fixed for those annoying grammatic things. Some of the transitions needs a tiny bit of special attention too

Fuck I love this story, just look at me, you have me swearing like a blabbering hound from hell.

Please get an editor, I want this story of yours to get the grammatically skilled attention it deserves. I'd love to help too, but a highly skilled person (who isn't struggling with second language issues of their own) would be better.

If you have trouble attaining that qualified help, then I'll offer my own unprofessional services. If you DO get a good editor, I don't mind being second proof- or beta-reader.

Keep it going, keep it flowing.

Intensity is one of the talents you show in this story.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Wow, that really is a great piece of writing. The characters are vivid. The story is compelling and is paced to keep the reader's interest. There is actual development. You have my congratulations and jealousy.

The only thing you seem to need is an editor or a native English speaker to polish the grammar and spelling for you.

 

[litchipking]

Mistakes, but...

If I had the talent to help you with your language problems I would volunteer them to you now. Since I do not, I will simply offer you my praise.

Your story was a real joy to read. I was fascinated by your characters and enthralled with your storytelling. It is a beautifully written short story and I truly loved it.

Your writing is even more impressive when I consider your obvious struggles with the language. I can barely express myself in one language. I cannot imagine trying to do so in another.

*** I may be the only person to take this next stance so take it for what it’s worth. ***

As much as your story would benefit from a good editor, I think you may want to consider leaving it just as it is. I found the awkward phrasing and occasional missing word quite charming. Given the cultural slant of the story and the first person narration I actually thought the “mistakes” added flavor to the story.

Grammatical errors usually create an interruption in the flow and I have trouble getting emotionally involved in a story because of them. The staccato delivery of your style, however, created tension and made me feel more in tune with the narrator. It felt real; like I could actually imagine you telling the story to a close friend.

Again, just my opinion. I am but one humble reader. I am also, as of this moment, a fan of your writing and I look forward to your future submissions.

Chip

 

[sethp]

If you have trouble finding an editor, see if you can run your future stories past a second set of eyes at least, perhaps another author who can catch a few of these issues?

 

[YummyTiger]

That story was a pleasure to read. I especially liked how you ended it. You did great with the pacing. I firmly believe this story would benefit from editing. I can see Litchipking's point of view, but I think at least some of the errors should be fixed to make it an easier read. That said, I was able to read the whole story without noticing the flaws too much and considering how many grammar errors there are, that is amazing. A true testiment to the story's content.

Thanks for the submission.