Would like feedback for Lola, The Dirty Little Maid

I liked it. It was a little silly, kind of absurd, but it worked because it was obvious how self aware the story is that's silly and absurd, and I easily picked up on this was meant a borderline satirical homage to one of porn's common tropes.

Writing was fine, sex was quick and to the point. Only speedbump I had was her saying "I want your sperme in my mouth" not sure that sounds sexy at all, but that's a really minor nitpick, and might even have been part of the parody.

Other than that I wonder if Fetish was the right choice. Maybe French Maid/Maid is a fetish to some. But I wonder if you might have gotten a bit better reception in erotic couplings?


Regardless, good job, gave it a 5.
 
Well, that's a short read. I suspect it met your main goal, but I'm definitely not in the audience for a outlandish sex scene like "Lola, the Dirty Little Maid."

Comedy and parody are hard to pull off, and no matter what you do there will be readers who won't enjoy it. It's a challenging way to start writing.

For your next story, I think you'll get a better response from readers if you expand it and give them more to get their teeth into. A plot would be nice, for instance.
 
That was totally silly, and a fun read. I wouldn't want that satirical style to be in all your stories, especially if more than one page, but it worked in this one. After the sentence in the second paragraph,
'Her name was Lola, and she looks like a showgirl,' I had Barry Manilow's song going through my head while reading the next several lines. I almost had to stop reading for a bit, so that damn song would turn off in my head.
 
I really like the use of French mixed in. I get turned on hearing people speak French and so reading it actually made it a real turn on.
 
Well, that's a short read. I suspect it met your main goal, but I'm definitely not in the audience for a outlandish sex scene like "Lola, the Dirty Little Maid."

Comedy and parody are hard to pull off, and no matter what you do there will be readers who won't enjoy it. It's a challenging way to start writing.

For your next story, I think you'll get a better response from readers if you expand it and give them more to get their teeth into. A plot would be nice, for instance.

I read it for what it was meant to be, not comparing it to a serious effort.

I think why I liked it was because of the angle of it poking fun at erotica itself and reminding me that it is supposed to be fun.

It was a nice little break from some of the pretentious asshats here who think they're writing for a Pulitzer.
 
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