Would Appreciate Some Help (If anyone is interested)

[CelticGodess]

I just had my first story published on the Literotica site. So far it has a 3.75 rating and about 79 hits. I could use some feed back if any one is willing.

Thanks~
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=368387

 

[jomar]

I will try to get to it later. You might also take it to the Story Feedback Forum for some good feedback.

 

[CelticGodess]

Thanks~~

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I have read it and left you a comment...good luck.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ok, here goes. First, this isn't really a story. It's more like a snippet. A real story begins with an introduction where the characters are introduced and the basis of the plot is laid out. Then you have a middle where the interaction of the characters move the plot along, show us emotions, explains why the characters act the way the do and so on. Finally, you have a conclusion that ties up all the loose ends and shows us how the characters have changed, grown, learned or something.

This is more like a piece of the middle. Essentially the heroine is going to get fucked. Does. Goes to sleep.

Generally, you did a fair job of writing it. I liked the characters, but I would have liked to get to know them a little better. The story is so short, you didn't take the time to do that.

The other thing - Rrrrroar!!! - you begin with three paragraphs that are 9-11 screen lines long. Then your fourth paragraph is about 20. You should try an keep your paragraphs down to about 6-8 screen lines. It makes the story easier to read and gets you few back-clicks.

Even so, for a first story, you did pretty good.


Shit. Did I say good? Now I have to kill myself

 

[voluptuary_manque]

You must have done a good job. That's more complimentary than Jenny was with my first . . . three!

 

[CelticGodess]

Wow!! Thanks~ I am currently working on some others to submit. Maybe Jenny will like them too.

 

[jomar]

Well, that saved some writing time.

What Zeb and Jenny said. Especially about the paragraphs, and especially at the beginning - If I hadn't read it for your thread, I'd probably have back-clicked just because of them. If you want to see how it will look on Lit when you write, adjust your margins to simulate the Lit page.

Welcome to the AH, by the way.

 

[CelticGodess]

Thank you

 

[ChilledVodkaIV]

A real story begins with an introduction where the characters are introduced and the basis of the plot is laid out. Then you have a middle where the interaction of the characters move the plot along, show us emotions, explains why the characters act the way the do and so on. Finally, you have a conclusion that ties up all the loose ends and shows us how the characters have changed, grown, learned or something.

Bollocks

 

[michchick98]

I just had my first story published on the Literotica site. So far it has a 3.75 rating and about 79 hits. I could use some feed back if any one is willing.

Thanks~
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=368387

I agree with all the comments so far. As far as the paragraphs go, I tell people whom I've edited in the past to keep their paragraphs 2 - 4 lines when they're typing their story on their computer. Once the story is posted those 2 - 4 lines will end up being 5 - 9 lines on the Literotica pages.

If you need help with editing in the future, send me a private message or send me a message through my profile (the link is in my sig)

 

[MarshAlien]

Shit. Did I say good? Now I have to kill myself

The thing I liked best about Jenny was her innate sweetness.

Maybe "innate" isn't the word I'm looking for. I thought it meant invisible.

As for the story, it was a little too short for the POV shift you used to be truly effective. I realize that it's written in the third person, but in the first paragraph, you described her. In the second you switched to him. In the third, back to her. I think you write decently enough, but you need a little more practice telling stories.

 

[CelticGodess]

Thanks for the critique. that is pne of the things I am still working on as far as descriptions and how they should be written. And from what I heard the was a great review from Jenny..no harm meant Jenny, I was in no way offended.

 

[gregg4]

story critique

editing