Worst Male Dom Seeks Online Sub Ad Contest

[PrincessGoddess]

I find these ads the most humorous personal ads on Lit. Most are so bad that I felt it appropriate to have a contest to attempt to discover the very worst ones. There is no deadline, no prizes, no feedback here. Bad is bad, and commenting on it will neither improve it, or help the ad to find a resting place and die peacefully. So, let's see what you have to offer...this should be exceptionally interesting and entertaining for all. Spelling and grammatical errors earn bonus points!

 

[Kylan]

You may approach, kneel and worship me, little stubby one, I have a towering reason for commanding your presents.

You feel always alone, abandoned, gloomy, confused, disgust, overlooked, discarded, disgraced, sorrowful, confused, irate, worthless, self-conscious, confused, minute, hurt, confused, hatred, shameful, lonely, confused, scared, sorrowful, cold, empty, confused. Yes, you feel all this .... I know you feel all these things, in your life.

How do I know all this?

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME!!

See?? I am a true Dom/Master, the only true practitioner of the one true way. Hear my ROAR!!

Yes, I know you're starving for information and training, I know you've been reading on the Internet, but now you want real schooling and I, a 21yr old unattached dum male, will be your mentor on your journey and share with you all the wondrous things I have learned in my 15yrs experience in the lifestyle.

At first you may serve me via email, then perhaps I will allow you to IM me, where I will log out unexpectedly and with no warning to prove to you how little I care for you. Some chosen slaves I do allow to contact me via phone. (Leave a message on my voice mail)

 

[brioche]

I, a 21yr old unattached dum male,

How Freudian.

 

[Betticus]

You may approach, kneel and worship me, little stubby one, I have a towering reason for commanding your presents.

You feel always alone, abandoned, gloomy, confused, disgust, overlooked, discarded, disgraced, sorrowful, confused, irate, worthless, self-conscious, confused, minute, hurt, confused, hatred, shameful, lonely, confused, scared, sorrowful, cold, empty, confused. Yes, you feel all this .... I know you feel all these things, in your life.

How do I know all this?

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME!!

See?? I am a true Dom/Master, the only true practitioner of the one true way. Hear my ROAR!!

Yes, I know you're starving for information and training, I know you've been reading on the Internet, but now you want real schooling and I, a 21yr old unattached dum male, will be your mentor on your journey and share with you all the wondrous things I have learned in my 15yrs experience in the lifestyle.

At first you may serve me via email, then perhaps I will allow you to IM me, where I will log out unexpectedly and with no warning to prove to you how little I care for you. Some chosen slaves I do allow to contact me via phone. (Leave a message on my voice mail)

You must have looked around on collarme.

 

[Betticus]

I find these ads the most humorous personal ads on Lit. Most are so bad that I felt it appropriate to have a contest to attempt to discover the very worst ones. There is no deadline, no prizes, no feedback here. Bad is bad, and commenting on it will neither improve it, or help the ad to find a resting place and die peacefully. So, let's see what you have to offer...this should be exceptionally interesting and entertaining for all. Spelling and grammatical errors earn bonus points!

You can't tease like that, you should post up one.

 

[CutieMouse]

Greetings My slave. I cumand U2 read all, and ansur INSTANTLY, or B punished! Do not 4git to address Me properly R U will suffr!!!

I am LordMasterfulMaster! U R not to ask questions, but must OBEY! I only axcept the most worthy SLAVES as my FUCK TOYS! U will be the 18th of my STABLE OF SLUTZ and U will BEG 2B beaten, and thank me for treating U like the WORTHLESS THING U R!!

I am an EXPERIENCED 21 year old MASTER with 15 years EXPERIENCE!! I kno what is best 4 U! U need to be treated HARD by a REAL MASTER! U will thank me 4 hurting U! U will never be released until I SAY!!!!!!!

I command U 2 strip nekkid, chain URself to the desk, and answur me! You have my permission to type with your nose, but DO NOT 4GIT TO ADDRESS ME PROPERLY RU WILL SUFFFFFFEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


(damn that was hard to do...)

 

[HottieMama]

Greetings My slave. I cumand U2 read all, and ansur INSTANTLY, or B punished! Do not 4git to address Me properly R U will suffr!!!

I am LordMasterfulMaster! U R not to ask questions, but must OBEY! I only axcept the most worthy SLAVES as my FUCK TOYS! U will be the 18th of my STABLE OF SLUTZ and U will BEG 2B beaten, and thank me for treating U like the WORTHLESS THING U R!!

I am an EXPERIENCED 21 year old MASTER with 15 years EXPERIENCE!! I kno what is best 4 U! U need to be treated HARD by a REAL MASTER! U will thank me 4 hurting U! U will never be released until I SAY!!!!!!!

I command U 2 strip nekkid, chain URself to the desk, and answur me! You have my permission to type with your nose, but DO NOT 4GIT TO ADDRESS ME PROPERLY RU WILL SUFFFFFFEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


(damn that was hard to do...)

You just made me laugh so hard i spit my Diet Pepsi on the monitor.

(You better never stop posting, even when you move to "heaven." )

 

[Betticus]

Greetings My slave. I cumand U2 read all, and ansur INSTANTLY, or B punished! Do not 4git to address Me properly R U will suffr!!!

I am LordMasterfulMaster! U R not to ask questions, but must OBEY! I only axcept the most worthy SLAVES as my FUCK TOYS! U will be the 18th of my STABLE OF SLUTZ and U will BEG 2B beaten, and thank me for treating U like the WORTHLESS THING U R!!

I am an EXPERIENCED 21 year old MASTER with 15 years EXPERIENCE!! I kno what is best 4 U! U need to be treated HARD by a REAL MASTER! U will thank me 4 hurting U! U will never be released until I SAY!!!!!!!

I command U 2 strip nekkid, chain URself to the desk, and answur me! You have my permission to type with your nose, but DO NOT 4GIT TO ADDRESS ME PROPERLY RU WILL SUFFFFFFEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


(damn that was hard to do...)

I found your new master.

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/195768/rznl/35170/details.htm#

 

[maybenicegirl]

Yeah, those are funny as hell, but some guys who sound like HNGs are actually cool. So don't diss 'em all!

It can be hard to put out a personal ad for that type of thing, and there are some geeky nerdy guys who really are the best doms around, but they just don't know how to put things into words that well.

 

[Betticus]

Yeah, those are funny as hell, but some guys who sound like HNGs are actually cool. So don't diss 'em all!

It can be hard to put out a personal ad for that type of thing, and there are some geeky nerdy guys who really are the best doms around, but they just don't know how to put things into words that well.

Like Derek Zoolander.

 

[northwoods_sub]

I found your new master.

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/195768/rznl/35170/details.htm#

Wow, 18 with 2 years of experience and he is and EXPERT at so many different things.... Including Biology and Chemistry, without any college education yet!!! To bad I'm taken.

 

[Betticus]

Wow, 18 with 2 years of experience and he is and EXPERT at so many different things.... Including Biology and Chemistry, without any college education yet!!! To bad I'm taken.

I was gonna put my name in the hat but he's not gay.

 

[northwoods_sub]

I was gonna put my name in the hat but he's not gay.

looks like we are both out of luck.

 

[SunshineLdy]

Greetings My slave. I cumand U2 read all, and ansur INSTANTLY, or B punished! Do not 4git to address Me properly R U will suffr!!!

I am LordMasterfulMaster! U R not to ask questions, but must OBEY! I only axcept the most worthy SLAVES as my FUCK TOYS! U will be the 18th of my STABLE OF SLUTZ and U will BEG 2B beaten, and thank me for treating U like the WORTHLESS THING U R!!

I am an EXPERIENCED 21 year old MASTER with 15 years EXPERIENCE!! I kno what is best 4 U! U need to be treated HARD by a REAL MASTER! U will thank me 4 hurting U! U will never be released until I SAY!!!!!!!

I command U 2 strip nekkid, chain URself to the desk, and answur me! You have my permission to type with your nose, but DO NOT 4GIT TO ADDRESS ME PROPERLY RU WILL SUFFFFFFEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


(damn that was hard to do...)

Was hard to read too!! Oh the pain in my head

Really, why does anyone do this?? I never understood why you'd type something like "Kno" rather than know...I mean are their fingers THAT lazy that they can't hit one more stroke? And if they are that lazy, would anyone really want to do ....anything with them???

When I was trying to fool people into thinking I was older...silly me, I thought it meant to act, speak, dress, and write in a manner more attributed to those that are....older

U instead of you, UGGGH
/gets a nosebleed from the soapbox she's on

 

[Betticus]

You exist only to get in the kitchen and make me a sammich! I am Master HIGHLORDALLCAPS and that means I am more Dominant than anyone else. If you have any doubts just look at my username that I have selected for myself. You will kneel before me and tremble in my presence worthless one. Except for when you are making me a sammich. At all times you will be required to be naked. You will be required to shave off all body hair as I don't want any strays in my sammich. You will be allowed to wear clothes when you are shopping for the ingredients for my sammiches. Along with my sammich a glass of iced tea would also be nice and perhaps some chips. Just regular chips, none of those strange flavored ones that leave a lingering aftertaste. Rippled or ridged chips will be fine. If the sammich is a fresh, hot Reuben then a dill pickle spear may be required on the side. A crisp Vlasic dill pickle, the kind with the stork on the jar. I will require variety with my sammiches and this means that you will have to become highly skilled in the art of sammich making. While I enjoy variety I absolutely will not tolerate onions on my sammich. Slipping an onion in on me will get you punished severely even to the point of withholding spankings. When you are good and make wonderful sammiches for me I may reward you with pats on your head.

 

[lovelylindsey88]

Greetings My slave. I cumand U2 read all, and ansur INSTANTLY, or B punished! Do not 4git to address Me properly R U will suffr!!!

I am LordMasterfulMaster! U R not to ask questions, but must OBEY! I only axcept the most worthy SLAVES as my FUCK TOYS! U will be the 18th of my STABLE OF SLUTZ and U will BEG 2B beaten, and thank me for treating U like the WORTHLESS THING U R!!

I am an EXPERIENCED 21 year old MASTER with 15 years EXPERIENCE!! I kno what is best 4 U! U need to be treated HARD by a REAL MASTER! U will thank me 4 hurting U! U will never be released until I SAY!!!!!!!

I command U 2 strip nekkid, chain URself to the desk, and answur me! You have my permission to type with your nose, but DO NOT 4GIT TO ADDRESS ME PROPERLY RU WILL SUFFFFFFEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


(damn that was hard to do...)

bahahahahahahahahahahha wow, that is funny. hahahahaha type with your nose!

wow, now im tired from laughing...

 

[lovelylindsey88]

You exist only to get in the kitchen and make me a sammich! I am Master HIGHLORDALLCAPS and that means I am more Dominant than anyone else. If you have any doubts just look at my username that I have selected for myself. You will kneel before me and tremble in my presence worthless one. Except for when you are making me a sammich. At all times you will be required to be naked. You will be required to shave off all body hair as I don't want any strays in my sammich. You will be allowed to wear clothes when you are shopping for the ingredients for my sammiches. Along with my sammich a glass of iced tea would also be nice and perhaps some chips. Just regular chips, none of those strange flavored ones that leave a lingering aftertaste. Rippled or ridged chips will be fine. If the sammich is a fresh, hot Reuben then a dill pickle spear may be required on the side. A crisp Vlasic dill pickle, the kind with the stork on the jar. I will require variety with my sammiches and this means that you will have to become highly skilled in the art of sammich making. While I enjoy variety I absolutely will not tolerate onions on my sammich. Slipping an onion in on me will get you punished severely even to the point of withholding spankings. When you are good and make wonderful sammiches for me I may reward you with pats on your head.

sammich? good god you people slay me...... stork on the jar... strange flavored ones.....hahahahaha oh my....

if only i were that funny *sigh*

 

[Betticus]

Thank you, we are also available for birthdays and private parties.

 

[CutieMouse]

Really, why does anyone do this?? I never understood why you'd type something like "Kno" rather than know...I mean are their fingers THAT lazy that they can't hit one more stroke? And if they are that lazy, would anyone really want to do ....anything with them???

It's a combination of three things:

*not proof-reading for typos

*l33t speak - hacker slang in typewritten form/the insanity of text-messaging (U for you, etc)

*lasy-ass basterdization of l33t speak/texting- called on the carpet for your typing? "Hey! Don't judge me! I write code for a living and I'm just used to typing so fast and taking shortcuts I don't know I'm doing it!" (I've honestly seen this excuse from people to explain everything from poor sentence structure, to a complete lack of punctuation, to shortening so many words that context can't be found... I have friends in the game industry, who text 24/7, and STILL manage to write full sentences/etc when appropriate, so the argument never holds water, for me.)

Yeah, those are funny as hell, but some guys who sound like HNGs are actually cool. So don't diss 'em all!

It can be hard to put out a personal ad for that type of thing, and there are some geeky nerdy guys who really are the best doms around, but they just don't know how to put things into words that well.

HNG's could be "cool" depending on what you're looking for, I guess. I put them on the same level as the steriotypical construction worker who harrasses women as they cross the street.

Yes, personals ads are difficult to write, yes it's a frustrating process. If you don't know how to put things into words well - at least spell check your damned ad, and be honest. Personally, I think it's a bit insulting to suggest geeky/nerdy guys are the ones being HNGs; my experience is that the slightly geekier/nerdy (as in really smart) guys are the ones women (who attribute dominance with posturing) tend to ignore/skip over because they aren't acting like HNGs...

 

[WriterDom]

Times have changed. I got a written tongue lashing from catalina when I did a similar thread when the bdsm personals opened. But I guess she's seen that the quality hasn't gone up much over there since then.

 

[BiBunny]

It's a combination of three things:

*not proof-reading for typos

*l33t speak - hacker slang in typewritten form/the insanity of text-messaging (U for you, etc)

*lasy-ass basterdization of l33t speak/texting- called on the carpet for your typing? "Hey! Don't judge me! I write code for a living and I'm just used to typing so fast and taking shortcuts I don't know I'm doing it!" (I've honestly seen this excuse from people to explain everything from poor sentence structure, to a complete lack of punctuation, to shortening so many words that context can't be found... I have friends in the game industry, who text 24/7, and STILL manage to write full sentences/etc when appropriate, so the argument never holds water, for me.)

I also think there are truly a number of semi-literate people in the world who cannot spell and don't care if they never learn. Kitty, bless her heart, is dyslexic and has a terrible time with spelling sometimes, but she always types her responses in this forum in Firefox, since it comes with a built-in spellchecker, to keep errors to a minimum. It's too bad that other people who know they can't spell aren't similarly courteous.

 

[CutieMouse]

I also think there are truly a number of semi-literate people in the world who cannot spell and don't care if they never learn. Kitty, bless her heart, is dyslexic and has a terrible time with spelling sometimes, but she always types her responses in this forum in Firefox, since it comes with a built-in spellchecker, to keep errors to a minimum. It's too bad that other people who know they can't spell aren't similarly courteous.

Then there's me, who made a typo in my rant, and got busted by Sir_W... the irony of which made us both laugh really hard.

 

[vffan]

these are hilarious! Thank you for making me laugh today!

 

[coy_one]

This isn't an ad, but a personal experience. Names will be withheld to protect the guilty.

I once had a Dom tell me that he wanted me to email him with my darkest desires - to jam a toy up my ass while I'm emailing him and if I didn't have a toy in my ass, dammit, he would know.

If I was lucky, I might get to see a picture of his cock that I would soon learn to love and want to fuck me in every way imaginable. But i better not play any tricks on him - cause he would know if I really had that toy up my ass.

Oh, and you know, I was supposed to share all my deepest desires with him just because he said so. Riiiiight.

 

[SierraMoon]

Greetings My slave. I cumand U2 read all, and ansur INSTANTLY, or B punished! Do not 4git to address Me properly R U will suffr!!!

I am LordMasterfulMaster! U R not to ask questions, but must OBEY! I only axcept the most worthy SLAVES as my FUCK TOYS! U will be the 18th of my STABLE OF SLUTZ and U will BEG 2B beaten, and thank me for treating U like the WORTHLESS THING U R!!

I am an EXPERIENCED 21 year old MASTER with 15 years EXPERIENCE!! I kno what is best 4 U! U need to be treated HARD by a REAL MASTER! U will thank me 4 hurting U! U will never be released until I SAY!!!!!!!

I command U 2 strip nekkid, chain URself to the desk, and answur me! You have my permission to type with your nose, but DO NOT 4GIT TO ADDRESS ME PROPERLY RU WILL SUFFFFFFEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


(damn that was hard to do...)

OMG!!!!!!!! This is priceless!!!! Thanks for an early morning laugh!