Worst Erotic Sentence Ever?

[Wifetheif]

Hey gang!

Let's have a little fun. I'm an avid listener to the podcast "372 Pages We'll Never Get Back" where the hosts dissect truly wretched novels. They have done everything from Ernest Cline to Bram stoker, to self-published Amazon tomes. So far the "winner" for the WORST sentence they have ever come across is in E.L. James's "The Mister" in which our hero muses, "It was music to my dick!" I kid you not!
Off the top of your heads, or if you want to conduct a little research that is fine too, can you think of a worse sentence ever showing up here on Literotica.com?

Please don't name shame the guilty if you find a worse sentence paste it below. I sincerely think that search as we might that we will find a sentence as bad. So if SHE can get published there is hope for us all! (Provided, of course, that your spouse works for a major publishing house to give you a foot in the door that no one else has.)

 

[KeithD]

What could possibly go wrong with a thread like this?--picking out and picking on isolated lame sentences in stories by fellow Literotica authors. Nothing mean spirited and divisive in that, right?

 

[Ginlover]

What could possibly go wrong with a thread like this?--picking out and picking on isolated lame sentences in stories by fellow Literotica authors. Nothing mean spirited and divisive in that, right?

^^^^^ what he said. A witch hunt at the start of the week is depressing.

 

[AlinaX]

It was music to my dick. The veined shaft pulsed and throbbed in time with the heavy beat, laser strobes stroking the ardent column as a voice screamed wordless pleasure in my ears. This wasn't quite sex - but it was better.

 

[AlinaX]

It was music to my dick. Like a conductor I waved my baton, and my orchestra of lustful maids writhed in a symphony of orgiastic pleasure.

 

[mynameisben]

"I was attracted to her dirty hairy twat like flies to shit, so I plunged her like a clogged toilet with my meaty salami stick until I popped a nut and flooded her with my sticky white man-goo." — an unnamed, aspiring poet.


Ben

 

[Sextified]

"I was attracted to her dirty hairy twat like flies to shit, so I plunged her like a clogged toilet with my meaty salami stick until I popped a nut and flooded her with my sticky white man-goo." — an unnamed, aspiring poet.


Ben

Thank you so much for sharing that! I really needed a laugh today!

 

[jaF0]

Off the top of your heads, or if you want to conduct a little research that is fine too, can you think of a worse sentence ever showing up here on Literotica.com?

Please don't name shame the guilty if you find a worse sentence paste it below.

If we can nominate forum posts .....

 

[mynameisben]

Thank you so much for sharing that! I really needed a laugh today!

You're quite welcome.

I suppose he could have used the word "flushed" instead of "flooded" to extend his toilet metaphor, but I guess he was having an off day.


Ben

 

[Zeb_Carter]

His wager was 15 inches if it was a foot...

I stopped reading there.

 

[SimonDoom]

I saw this meme recently that I think qualifies. It's not from Literotica:

Your bitch wants you to stretch her queef chapel for the first time but she doesn't know your ham candle is so fat it's got a girth certificate.

 

[galaxygoddess]

Usually, I think my own writing is terrible. I don't judge too harshly, there's probably plenty of people out there who think my writing is terrible as well.

However, I will say there was one story I was reading that was interesting and well written, and they had me all along until the last sentence, when the woman was left unconscious and uhh fucked by a lynx. Really killed the vibe so to speak.


As for terrible phrases, not from lit, I new a guy years and years ago who referred to his girlfriend as a "cum dumpster". She thought it was hilarious. I stopped talking to them shortly after that, but the reasons were unrelated.

 

[yowser]

It was disco to my cunt.

 

[MsNatalie99]

This seems like kinda a mean spirited thread. I think that Authors do enough to keep each other down without even trying. Kinda feels like Troll feed.

 

[AlinaX]

Little did I suspect, as I ventured confidently into the Literorica boards to troll the shameless erotic authors with their own words, that I would soon be facing a very literal troll, with a very literally rock hard cock. As he forced me to my knees, I knew that nothing in my life would ever again suck as much as I was about to.

 

[MsNatalie99]

Little did I suspect, as I ventured confidently into the Literorica boards to troll the shameless erotic authors with their own words, that I would soon be facing a very literal troll, with a very literally rock hard cock. As he forced me to my knees, I knew that nothing in my life would ever again suck as much as I was about to.

Not a fan of Troll cock. I'm a orc girl all the way.

 

[galaxygoddess]

Not a fan of Troll cock. I'm a orc girl all the way.

Same, honey, same.

 

[AvroAnson]

Sometimes you can just tell when a story was machine translated from another language. I get that a "Cathederal" is "Dom" in German, so she is a sexual submissive not a religious supplicant. I don't know what a woman's "column" is (the shaft of her clitoris maybe?). I'm certain that I don't want to know what a "Nazi Fetishist" is. (From the context it is sexual not political.)

I do have some IKEA instructions somewhere that adding a few names to would make a really bad story...

Jurgen to project the 5,9 cm tongue into the crevice and lock with Rolf's nut. There together to flip over and continue inserting the pieces until completion is accomplished with all legs stiff and upright ...

 

[lovecraft68]

Hey gang!

Let's have a little fun. I'm an avid listener to the podcast "372 Pages We'll Never Get Back" where the hosts dissect truly wretched novels. They have done everything from Ernest Cline to Bram stoker, to self-published Amazon tomes. So far the "winner" for the WORST sentence they have ever come across is in E.L. James's "The Mister" in which our hero muses, "It was music to my dick!" I kid you not!
Off the top of your heads, or if you want to conduct a little research that is fine too, can you think of a worse sentence ever showing up here on Literotica.com?

Please don't name shame the guilty if you find a worse sentence paste it below. I sincerely think that search as we might that we will find a sentence as bad. So if SHE can get published there is hope for us all! (Provided, of course, that your spouse works for a major publishing house to give you a foot in the door that no one else has.)

Just curious, have the people who do this podcast written anything themselves?

I think if they just gave the lines and left out the work it came from it would be one thing, but to shame the authors, especially indy authors who are already struggling for sales is a dick move

Can I have the link so I can comment on what a bunch of d-bags they are?

Edited to add I found them on youtube...104 videos 659 subscribers, they're not exactly a raging success there, maybe that's why they pick on other people's efforts

 

[SimonDoom]

As long as people aren't getting personal toward specific Literotica authors this doesn't seem like a mean thread to me. I see nothing wrong with it. It can be amusing and instructive to focus on writing that seems really bad.

I strongly recommend that anyone interested in the subject of bad writing should check out the Bulwer-Lytton contest website. The contest, held once a year, challenges authors to write the worst opening sentence of a novel, in various categories of fiction (erotica not included). I entered once and earned some notice for it, for which I was extremely proud.

 

[lovecraft68]

As long as people aren't getting personal toward specific Literotica authors this doesn't seem like a mean thread to me. I see nothing wrong with it. It can be amusing and instructive to focus on writing that seems really bad.

I strongly recommend that anyone interested in the subject of bad writing should check out the Bulwer-Lytton contest website. The contest, held once a year, challenges authors to write the worst opening sentence of a novel, in various categories of fiction (erotica not included). I entered once and earned some notice for it, for which I was extremely proud.

Reject reality-maybe under one of his other names though-had a series that lampooned Mystery Science Fiction 3000 but instead mocked lit stories, but only if he had their permission

This thread can be harmful or harmless depending on the person being mocked. If someone did it to me, I'd laugh it off, just like I would a good dig in real life, but some people are already insecure and sensitive so do we need to add to that?

If the names are left out, I don't have an issue with it. Especially as the people doing the mocking are leaving themselves open to someone going through their literary masterpieces to return the favor.

Thinking on it, it would be more fun if it were a post the worst line you've ever written, that way you participate if you want to

 

[lovecraft68]

What could possibly go wrong with a thread like this?--picking out and picking on isolated lame sentences in stories by fellow Literotica authors. Nothing mean spirited and divisive in that, right?

But you constantly referring to lit's readership as the lowest common denominator isn't? Get off your horse, you've done nothing but act superior and try to belittle people since you've been here.

 

[KeithD]

But you constantly referring to lit's readership as the lowest common denominator isn't? Get off your horse, you've done nothing but act superior and try to belittle people since you've been here.

Ah my decade-long stalker is back in the saddle again. Bullshit. For fifteen years I've supported the "whatever" level of writer to do as they like here at whatever level they write without anyone else hassling them, and I've defended them against clubbers like you who push rules and your rabid opinions of what others should be posting to Literotica. I've responded to grammar questions as asked, not responding by rewriting what's there in my own voice, and I haven't ragged on the grammar/content of anyone's stories. You think otherwise, cite it. Beyond that, fuck off.

You know what the purpose of this thread was going to be. Don't pretend you don't, and the mean spirit it was promoting is right up your behavior alley.

 

[Wifetheif]

Just curious, have the people who do this podcast written anything themselves?

I think if they just gave the lines and left out the work it came from it would be one thing, but to shame the authors, especially indy authors who are already struggling for sales is a dick move

Can I have the link so I can comment on what a bunch of d-bags they are?

Edited to add I found them on youtube...104 videos 659 subscribers, they're not exactly a raging success there, maybe that's why they pick on other people's efforts

http://372pages.com/

Here is a link to their website. They do make fun of themselves. Among the books they've done is "Lair of the White Worm" by Bram Stoker and "The Moon People" generally considered the worst-rated book on Amazon. They provide a much much gentle touch to self-published authors but bear their fangs for the rather questionable talents such as Ernest Cline, Dan Brown, E.L. James, and Stephanie Meyer. One of the members of the podcast is Mike Nelson long-time host of Mystery Science Theater 3000, who founded Riff-trax. The other host, Conor Lastoca, is much younger and is a Riff-Trax writer. Everything has a light air. They do often question where the supposed editors were for novels churned out by big publishing houses. They have a regular feature "Bad sentence of the week" where fans of the show and the hosts select examples of truly atrocious writing. They DO go out of their way to be fair to self-published authors, focusing in those cases, less on grammar and bad sentence structure and more on plot holes and idiosyncratic decisions on the part of the amateurs. In one of the self-published books for example a burglar lowered himself from a helicopter with enough explosives on his person to level a twenty-plus-story building! "Moon People" is written without any attribution as to who is speaking. No quotation marks, no dashes, which, you have to admit, is a singularly odd choice.

I thought the podcast was more well-known and that my point would be understood. As I said, I doubt there is a SINGLE Literotica writer who has churned out as bad a sentence as the one I cited (at least not intentionally) I'm not immune from this myself. I failed to proofread properly and ended up with a cop busting buglers instead of burglars! I can understand how folks with thin skins might see this as a troll thread but that was not my purpose. If it was taken that way I offer my sincere apologies.

 

[SamScribble]

http://372pages.com/

I'm not immune from this myself. I failed to proofread properly and ended up with a cop busting buglers instead of burglars!

You don't need to apologise. If it was up to me, I'd lock up all the buglers and throw away the key.