Workshop: KillerMuffin

[KillerMuffin]

I'm not sure how we'll do this, so I figured to try it the way it's normally done around here. If you are just joining us, we're making a test run of the idea to workshop drafts of stories that have not yet been posted here. The rules have not yet been sorted out. That's one of the reasons for a test run, so we can see what we might need to get started.

Author's comments

This is a story that's been on my hard drive for years. It's a completed draft, but it's not one that I was happy enough with to submit. I'm sure you can see how it needs work.

I have no specific questions or concerns, I'd just like to hear what you have to say about it!

Online Lovers Meet

Even though this is a test run, please don't hold back on my account. We're trying to see how this work. This is a second draft story, thought I hate to call it that. It's a completed draft with no title.

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[9:41pm] *** Now fucking with #20s: 0.901s to join
[9:41pm] *** Topic is: Welcome to #20s.....even though most of us r in our 20s.....Everyone is welcome here... > Trisha Loves Timmy ,deal with it
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[9:41pm] [Info] *** [Total]:[9]
[9:41pm] [Info] *** [Ownered]:[8] [Not Ownered]:[1]
[9:41pm] [Info] *** [Oped]:[0] [Not Oped]:[1]
[9:41pm] [Info] *** [Voiced]:[0] [Not Voiced]:[1]
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[9:41pm] :[#20s]: SeLam ArkadaþLar!
[9:41pm] :[#20s]: KanaLýmýza Hoþ GeLdiniz!
[9:41pm] :[#20s]: Küfür, FLood, Op Veya Owner Ýstemek!
[9:42pm] :[AngelicallyChallenged]: yessseee i sees dat is sum funky stuff
[9:42pm] :[Arkana-away]: ROMMY
[9:42pm] *** Arkana-away sets mode: +q AngelicallyChallenged
[9:42pm] *** Access host clear on: #20s
[9:42pm] :[SinisterMinister]: oh my this is some poem
[9:42pm] *** Nemesis(~In@209.74.26.123) has joined: #20s
[9:42pm] :[SinisterMinister]: check this shit out
[9:42pm] :[Arkana-away]: this si where we make chatties at now okies?
[9:42pm] :[AngelicallyChallenged]: NINNNNERSSSSSS
[9:42pm] :[AngelicallyChallenged]: okeys
[9:42pm] :[AngelicallyChallenged]: :~) Heya nem!!
[9:42pm] :[Nemesis]: Rommy?
[9:42pm] :[Arkana-away]: hello Nemesis
[9:42pm] *** Arkana-away sets mode: +o Nemesis
[9:42pm] :[Arkana-away]: no more MSN
[9:42pm] :[SinisterMinister]: i cant dream anymore.
[9:43pm] :[AngelicallyChallenged]: Who else baby?

[9:43pm] *** Now talking with: Nemesis[209.74.26.123]
[9:43pm] *** Rooms shared: #20s

[9:43pm] :[Nemesis]: i dun have long sexy
[9:43pm] :[AngelicallyChallenged]: well fuck
[9:43pm] *** AngelicallyChallenged is now known as Romany
[9:43pm] :[Nemesis]: thats the ide babe i wanna meet
[9:45pm] :[Romany]: meet...
[9:45pm] :[Nemesis]: cmon weve fucked here so much its like ive already been inside you
[9:46pm] :[Nemesis]: C’mon baby its Christmas
[9:47pm] :[Nemesis]: Rom?
[9:49pm] :[Romany]: okay i'll meet you
[9:49pm] :[Nemesis]: you will? great! tuesday? bout 1800?
[9:50pm] :[Romany]: 1800... okay the px
[9:50pm] :[Nemesis]: okay at the class 6 ill be holding a bottle of tequila i gotta go babe bye kisses
[9:50pm] :[Romany]: it better be milagro anejo i'm not a cheap date
[9:50pm] :[Nemesis]: cmon rommy pity the broke sojer
[9:50pm] :[Romany]: cheapskate
[9:50pm] :[Nemesis]: uppity bitch see yas later babe were gonna have fun

[9:50pm] *** Nemesis(~In@209.74.26.123) Quit: EaT Ya LaYtErZ

[9:51pm] :[Romany]: Rommy you are a stupid bitch.

* * * * * *

The Class 6 inside the PX was mostly empty. A few soldiers were in there, mostly buying whiskey or beer. One had some wine and two were in the tequila aisle. One of them wandered off, leaving a tallish muscular man holding a bottle of Jose Cuervo. Dammit, I want Milagro.

I sauntered over to that aisle, stood on my tiptoes, and pulled down the dark blue bottle of Milagro Anejo. "Milagro is better.”

"Cuervo gold isn't bad," he replied, looking me over.

I looked up at him sidelong. "Only if you're a cheapskate."

"Uppity bitch," he said without heat, smiling. "Your picture doesn't do you justice."

"Thank you." I held the Milagro, unsure what to do. "Let's go."

"Are those real?" he asked, pointing to my chest. I glared at him. He laughed, "I'm just kidding babe."

* * * * *

He took us to the lake in my truck, grumbling the entire way. I'd refused to set foot in his car, it was a Chevy and a girl has to hold to her principles. Apparently, he'd thought I was kidding about being a vehicular snob.
The summertime sun was beginning to set by the time we arrived at one of the more secluded beach areas. He spread out the woobie he brought along and set a covered basket near it. Curious, I peeked inside, strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate. Oh my.

Chit chat lasted as long as the first course, a shared strawberry. It didn't take him long to follow the strawberry to my lips to kiss me. Soft chaste kisses led to hard chaste kisses, then to unchaste kisses, until we were lip-locked with our tongues twined like our bodies should have been.

He broke the kiss, his fingers racing along my clothes, removing them. "My name is Mark." He kissed me down my throat to the valley between my breasts.

"Promise not to laugh?"

"Promise."

"My name is Bambi."

He laughed. "Bambi?? My truck driving, pistol packing, ass kicking babe is named Bambi?"

"Oh good gawd," I groused.

"It's cute."

"That's it, I hate that word. I am NOT cute."

"You're adorable," he added, just to set me off. I didn't disappoint. By the time I'd wound down off my mad-on, he'd managed to remove all of my clothing and most of his without me noticing. He sat up and yanked off his t-shirt.

"Oh my gawd." I was wide eyed and awed.

"I want to see." He said, his eyes dark and intent. "I want to see what you do when we fuck."

"Okay." I agreed, "Tell me your fantasy, it's your turn."

Spreading my legs wide, I bent my knees and placed one of my feet on him, the other on the woobie. My fingers moved down my belly and into my pussy, petting then sinking inside.

"We're in Thailand." He said huskily, his eyes locked on my fingers and my pussy. "Separated from the Team and lost in the jungle. You're a snooty bitch and I'm a soldier. You keep trying to seduce me and I won't let you. The more we walk the more you strip. Finally, we get to this waterfall and you spread yourself out just like this and pleasure yourself just like that. I give in to you."

His voice had gotten deeper, more gutteral with every word. My stroking fingers and his lusting eyes were bringing me to orgasm much faster that I'd thought they would. Shuddering, I moaned.

"I grab my prick, like this, and rub it on your hole." He started stroking his cock. I started cumming. "I- oh gawd you're so fuckin hot."

Moments later my fingers were pulled out of the way and his cock replaced them. He thrust heavily, until he was fully sheathed inside of my still cumming pussy. "And then I fuck you." He growled. "Hard and fast til we both fuckin cum."

He suited action to words, grabbing my hips to keep me from sliding on the slick blanket, and pounded into me. It only took him moments to orgasm.

"Well," I said when I could breathe again. "That took the edge off."

He laughed and kissed me. "Yes it did, ready for more?"

"Uh huh!"

 

[openthighs_sarah]

Okay. I've broken out my comments into three sections, even though there's probably considerable overlap between them. This may not be the best way to do it, but it's a start.


Content

The structure was interesting, although I think the chat transcript could be used to set up the tryst a little better -- or at least provide some additional details about the characters. Content-wise, the only thing I got out of the transcript was that they flirt with each other a lot, and "Romany" has finally agreed to a real date. There were some nice touches -- the two-minute delay before "Romany" agrees to meet "Nemesis" was telling, and the tequila details do add some weight to both characters. Other than that, though, they're still fairly anonymous at the end of this section.

The meeting at the PX was well-done, although I expected more uncertainty and maybe a little nervousness on the part of the narrator. The last line of the chat transcript ("Rommy you are a stupid bitch.") seems to imply that she knows she's taking a risk, and at the very least I would expect her to have a huge adrenaline rush when she meets him. You wouldn't have to show a lot -- just a line or two to suggest that she's not quite as poised as she appears. That would add to the realism of the character, for me.

I thought the next section, starting with He took us to the lake... and ending with the line "Tell me your fantasy, it's your turn", was the strongest in the story. The plot moves along at an appropriately rapid pace, since the narrator is obviously thinking ahead to the sex throughout the encounter. "Chit chat lasted as long as the first course, a shared strawberry. It didn't take him long to follow the strawberry to my lips to kiss me." Very well-executed transition.

The sex was brief but hot, with a bit of an angry edge -- also appropriate for the story. The only jarring part, for me, was this paragraph:

"I grab my prick, like this, and rub it on your hole." He started stroking his cock. I started cumming. "I- oh gawd you're so fuckin hot."

That might be a matter of technique rather than a problem with the content, though. As written, it seems more like a recollection of sex than true action, as if the narrator is explaining to a friend: he started stroking his cock, and I started coming. Since the rest of the sex was very pleasantly raw and graphic, this just stood out a little as being either too abrupt, or maybe just stylistically too different from what preceded it.

The end seemed a bit weak in comparison with the rest of the story, which was clever and raw and somewhat droll. I'm not sure what I wanted -- maybe something surprising, but maybe all it needs is one last sarcastic comment from the narrator to close the books.


Technique


The writing itself was generally first-rate -- easy flow to the story, original and interesting choices with language, and engaging and realistic dialogue. Point of view was consistent and handled well. The only (pretty minor) technical problems I found were as follows:

Curious, I peeked inside, strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate

I read this segment as five independent clauses because of the comma placement. The first two clauses need to be separated from the "list" by either a colon or a full stop. Either way would fit nicely with the narrator's terse style.

"We're in Thailand." He said huskily, his eyes locked...
and
"And then I fuck you." He growled.

In the first example, the quote should end with a comma rather than a full stop. I'm assuming, in the second case, that he was growling the dialogue -- if not (if the growl followed the dialogue), the full stop is okay there.

His voice had gotten deeper, more gutteral

Should be "guttural." That brings up another question -- should these comments include spelling corrections, or should we just assume that the author will be running everything through a spell checker at least once (more) before submitting? My preference would probably be to omit spelling corrections unless they wouldn't be caught by a spell-checker ("they're" vs. "their", for instance).

It only took him moments to orgasm.

I couldn't find any use (other than vernacular) of orgasm as a verb, although the intransitive verb forms "orgasmed" and "orgasming" do show up in some reference books. Vernacular seems okay since it's a first person story. Also, this introduces another possible point of contention -- when an author knowingly uses a word that isn't part of accepted standard English, simply for effect. In the last story I posted, I used a word which isn't found in any dictionary. The meaning was clear in the story and I liked the word, and I haven't heard anyone mention it yet -- but I'm fairly sure that someone would have spotted it if I had posted the story in the SDC. Would I have wanted it pointed out to me as a possible mistake? Maybe not, given the circumstances, but if I hadn't made a conscious decision to use the word, I would have been glad it was spotted. Maybe that won't be a common occurrence (and I probably won't make a habit of coining words), but it's something authors will have to keep in mind when their work is being dissected -- such things will be subject to "editing" as content, even though they may more properly be matters of style.

Style

I don't really have any criticisms or suggestions here, except one thought regarding the chat transcript.

I thought this section of the story was very believable, but not captivating. It's amusing because it's so realistic, but that doesn't seem like enough for the opening -- I would prefer more of a hook than just the device of a chat itself. It would have been interesting, for example -- I would have responded immediately -- if, amid all the anonymously dull and vapid chat participants, the two main characters stood out in some way. Maybe they use complete sentences instead of text-speak, maybe they use real punctuation, maybe they just seem brighter or more unusual than the others. The intriguing thing -- the hook, at least for me -- would be that their "dialogue" in the chat is mixed up with all the others, and the subtext -- two of the participants slowly but inexorably agreeing to a real sexual tryst -- would go completely unnoticed by everyone else.

I've included this under "Style" rather than "Content" because the suggestion I've made takes the story in a slightly different direction, and could require changing the characters too much. You have your own idea of who the characters are and how they communicate (online and in real life), so it might not fit.

Other than the chat portion, I found the style (and the narrator's voice) very enjoyable and witty and intelligent.

____

That's all from me, KM. I don't know how useful all this was, but at least it's one example. Thank you for the story, and for volunteering!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

For someone just getting into writing you’ve done a good job. There’s no doubt this is lot better story than the one you posted on the closed thread. I’ve got a few suggestions you might want to think about when working on the next draft.

1. The nine minute opening chat room time-line was interesting and original, but for a non-chatter like me, confusing. It would benefit from some editing. An opening paragraph or two, alerting readers to what's happening might help as would shortening it by cutting out all the initial, non-essential chatter.

2. The opening, narrative, paragraph doesn’t really “hook” the reader. IMHO, it's a fairly dull set-up that's neither intriguing nor interesting enough to make readers want to go on to the next paragraph.

3. Be careful when using jargon. Most readers will either already know what a PX is or will be able to figure it out from the context. “Class 6” could be a little tougher, however. That’s not good because, unless you’re writing a mystery, puzzled readers often become ex-readers.

4. After the scene shift, the narrator says, “He took us….” Who is there besides the narrator and the guy?

5. Some people will read this and say, “So what?” It’s a cute tale, but more a vignette than a story. All the writing gurus here at Literotica say a story needs conflict and change. The only conflict I saw was her refusal to get into his Chevy; the only change their going from the PX to the lake.

6. The two characters sometimes acted like they were old friends on a lark, which was confusing.

7. One thing you might do is have the ending refer back to the beginning. Maybe they agree to some “more” right after a couple shots of the tequila they bought at the PX.

8. Keep up the good work. I think you’ve got a real future at Literotica.

Rumple Foreskin

--

I posted right after OT Sarah (Is that a new avatar, girl? It's fine.) Fortunately, I took a totally different approach to hers so we've gotten a little variety. Maybe the next person will come up with something even better. RF

 

[Guest]

a bit different

KM-

I just stumbled across this workshop thread! I am very happy about its existence. Thanks!

I will say that while a work is in progress, I would like to have specific issues to consider when reading. I would make that a requirement for a story to post.

I liked both OTS' and RF's format in their comments.

Regarding the story-

My comments are more general than RF and OTS.

1. I think you have the heart of a good story. I agree that the beginning needs to be expanded (and simplified... i found the format annoying). We need to see them fucking on line during one encounter before this set up for the meeting. IMHO.

The end, likewise, is abrupt. We need to hear her fantasy and see if he goes along or not. Perhaps that is the conflict that RF is looking for. Maybe she gets him drunk and leaves him at the lake because he is an ass IRL.. maybe not. Maybe just more great sex.

2. I agree with OTS regarding the meeting in the PX. Just thinking about it made me get butterflies in my stomach. Work it a bit more, I think. Heighten the sexual and emotional tension.

3. I had a few difficulties with the paragraphing with dialogue. Cleaning that up may make it flow better.

Hope that this workshop will continue.

b

 

[The_old_man]

I agree with Rumple Foreskin on the chat opening. Many readers, like myself, do not work chat rooms because we can not type fast enough to stay 'in sync'.

As an ex-navy man I had no problem with "PX" but hung momentarily on “Class 6” as that is, or was, not a navy term.

A bit more dialog between the PX and the truck would have smoothed out the transition.

The sex act:
(1) Too quick. Needs a bit more preparation.
(2) Where did the slick blanket come from?

Ending: Far Too abrupt. Left me wondering where the rest of the story was.

 

[jfinn]

Raises hand to agree with the chat impaired folks here about the opening. I think it's too long and, though this could possibly be because of the format of the MB, I thought at first the whole thing was going to be in chat format. So I think you might consider shortening it so a reader who's not wild about reading chat would be able to glance at the page and see the chat section ends relatively soon.

I also agree with Sara about the military terminology. PX is something I imagine most Americans would know, but I'm not sure about other nationalities and it looks like none of us understood the term Class 6. If you could explain it somehow within the story I think that would be great.

The dialogue is terrific; I love abrupt pithy lines when they're done well and you've managed that very nicely. I also saw no real problems anywhere with tense or grammer except for one picky point when Rominy/Bambi says "I want Milagro." I think in the context of the paragraph it should be past tense, "I wanted Milagro."

I had a more difficult time with the attributives. What was there was great, but I found a lot of it confusing. For instance:

"I grab my prick, like this, and rub it on your hole." He started stroking his cock. I started cumming. "I- oh gawd you're so fuckin hot

Maybe it's just because I'm a lazy reader and I missed the absence of quotes, but I had to read this a couple of times before I realized that it was Bambi who started cumming and I never really was sure who said the last sentence. Maybe if you broke out Bambi's thoughts.

I also wondered about some of the content of the story. Again I have to join the group and say it doesn't feel like a complete tale. They're meeting for the first time and yet there is apparently no trepidation about that except for the last line of the chat. Why is that? Also. they play pretty rough with each other from the onset and I wondered how they'd gotten into that habit, which it must be, because otherwise one of them would have walked out right away.

I always hesitate to recommend to another writer that they lengthen a story, but in this case I really think it would make the story much stronger. In fact when I look back at my comments, that's basically the fix I'd recommend on most of it. It's great start, with good, hot sex, but it just doesn't feel complete.

Thanks for putting it up.

Jayne

 

[KillerMuffin]

Thanks for you comments everyone! I will take them. I had a lot of concerns about the chat conversation. The "in channel" conversation is a cut'n paste from an actual chat. The "private" conversation never happened. Nemesis wasn't the person's name, either. The IPs weren't real either.

The Chat doesn't really matter, I don't think, as anything more than a set up for the story. It could actually be deleted in favor of a few sentences. I could also add some textual clues like more white-space, italics, and that sort of thing. Would that help?

I agree that it needs to be longer. A lot longer. I got embarrassed in the middle because the StudMuffin started to read over my shoulder.

Never fear, your time and consideration will be very useful in finishing this bad boy up!