Workshop: johnloren

[KillerMuffin]

From the Author

The reviews and suggestions that will be generated, I believe will assist in improving this story and my future efforts at stringing words together. I prefer that this remain a single story, no part 2 to follow. I am willing to experiment with ideas and suggestions that are presented, before submitting this story. I put on my cast iron underwear and present it to be kicked around. Hope you enjoy the story.

The story

Journey

Quietly she sits, appearing to be…but appearances can be deceiving. Time has given her the pleasant memories to revisit in her mind .It has also marked how long it has been since she enjoyed the pleasures of sharing her body. How much she craved to have another’s hand make her cum. The quiet has depth. The desires are brewing inside. Fermenting, beginning the cycle, the ingredients are not hops and malts but the sexual wants, the need of her body urges her. Like the brewing of beer, it grows stronger over time.

She can see it in other woman and has become so envious of them. The silly smiles they have, and there is something funny to the way they walk. She is able to see beyond the appearances. There is more there that most don’t see, but she can. The silhouette of their body sends out a projection, the mysterious magic glow, like a beacon for those that know what this really is. It screams inside her head,

“I am getting great sex and loving it”.

To be one of those women, how long do you have to be fucking to walk funny she would think, hours, or days? She felt like she has only known minutes. Her self-doubt stopped her from knowing. The fear of the unknown constrained the mixture of desires, suppressing the needs that cried to be fed. The trepidation was wearing thin; the elements were present within her waiting to be stirred up
.
The catalyst was to be finding the right lover for her. The one that can generate the energy to power the magic glow, keep the silly smile plastered on her face and make her walk funny. Igniting the passions within her, harnessing the will to overcome the constraints of self-doubt she is now willing to take the journey with her lover to places her erotic mind has never known. Quietly she sits; anticipation is building as she remembers a line she read in some woman’s magazine.

“If you think your body is ugly and could not attract a man, show it to him and see what happens”

The bell ringing sent a new rush of excitement though her body. Wanting it to be so right for her tonight, she knows her opportunities are becoming fewer and her expectations become higher. Desires to be fulfilled and the needs of the flesh, sensing they will be fed, react on each other generating heat in her body. Rising like hot steam Kimberley drifts to the door. She greets Loren warmly. As they hugged her arms touching him, the closeness of their bodies, she felt his body’s radiating force flow into her conscious. The mixture of emotions is ignited; the process begins with a reaction and slowly drives her.

She feels the release of the person deep within her, who was covered up and forgotten. Is this the little girl within emerging to indulge in adult play? Can this be the demon that will seduce you, making you want to be a willing and participating partner in fornicating for the pleasure that is given and receive from each other?

“You went on about being tired and overworked, when you called, your whining about sore feet is the cry of all waitresses. Explore your career options”, Loren said as a sarcastic joke.

“Or perhaps I can provide some more immediate results for sore feet” said with a seductive tone.

The promising sound of his words caused Kimberley’s body temperature to rise, her heartbeat increased to pump the adrenalin a little faster. As he gave her a slow wet kiss, her pace accelerated.

“Over here, lay down and take your shoes off. I am going to give you a foot massage that will make all the sore go away. Fingers and toes are so sensitive to the touch. Your feet can send messages to each part of your body, just by knowing where to touch. What do you feel when you stub your toe? Imagine the opposite. Feel the opposite, pleasure not pain. Now you are going to experience the delight I am going to bring to you, my dear.” Loren said in his soft and confident voice.

Genteelly he held her left foot with both his hands, slowly rubbing, working his hands to bring out the pink colour of her flesh. Grating his thumb tip up the soul of her foot from the heel to the tip of the toes caused her leg to give strong twitch. As his fingers spread her toes apart she felt a weakness in her knees. The sensations caused by the alternating of pressure and the light feathery touch sent a collage of feelings to different parts of her body. Each sensation traveling a different route to be felt, in her stomach the butterflies, her breasts as the nipples became more sensitive, the moisture starting between her legs. When Loren’s fingertips lightly brushed the back of her calf she let out a little cry of delight. As his fingers tickled the soft flesh of the back of her knee she purred continuously in contentment. The room was getting much warmer, but she was getting hotter. Pulling her skirt up in the hope of feeling cool relief revealed the frilly lace trim of the panties she bought today, a tangible memory for this special day. When Loren finished massaging her right foot, he knew the enjoyment was creating more wanting and desire in her. So stimulated Kimberley’s body reacted, he was bringing her to a boil.

Loren told her about the beauty of her legs, the soft smooth feeling of her flesh as he touched her. He let her know, pleading to her how much he desired her and wanted to please her. Being told how desirable she was, were the enchanting words that turned her on. She was now being driven by the raging desires from within. Loren sensed the intensity of her needs. He lifted her up and helped her off the bed. Embracing her, his hands slid freely over the hot body in his arms. He soon found the button of her skirt and worked it open. The falling skirt exposed some more of the lace panties he had glimpsed moments ago. Delicately he traced the lace pattern with the lightest of touches. Playing with elastic waistband his finger moved over the smooth flatness of her back where the crack of her ass begins. His hands were soon under her sweater, positioning them so by grabbing the seams at the bottom he lifted his arms taking the sweater over her head. They both smiled as her head reappeared. Words were not necessary; there was telepathy between them, exchanging feelings and sensations. Communicating the desire they both shared of wanting to please the other, the energy flowed between them.

Kimberley reached behind her back and casually unhooked her bra. With the inviting look of a seductress she teased at exposing her breasts. As the bra fell to the ground, Loren saw her breasts were blotched with reddish pinkish colouring illuminating her hard erect nipples. His hands lightly touched her breasts as he moved his head closer, until she felt his hot breath scorching her sensitive breast. She felt his lips so close but never touching, driving her to the edge. She ran her hand over Loren’s crotch, but she was more interested in getting his pants off, then she could enjoy his fat dick. With some help she managed to get his pants undone. She pulled them down in a hurry and guiding his legs as he stepped out of them. Loren stepped back and putting his hands on his hips slid his underwear down his legs and kicked them away in one swift motion. He stood still letting her gaze at his naked body. She then did the same as him, placing her hands on the waistband the frilly lace panties slid down her long silky legs and were kicked away. A simultaneous thought, opening their arms to each other they embraced. The crackle of buzzing electricity, an encompassing of two merging into one, she felt the power flowing into her. This was new, a very different feeling she had never felt like this before. Whatever magic Loren used, she wanted more. This man made her feel like the woman she is meant to be.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'm afraid you might get a lot of people pissed if you post this as is, because it ends at just the place where most people want their porn to begin. It's a foot fetish story, I take it, and the entire payoff is in the foot-play.

I'm not qualified to judge how erotic that scene is, not being a foot guy myself, but I think most readers would find that the story as a wholeis kind of an anti-climax. The beginning of the story makes a big point of her wanting sex, so we're set-up for her big moment after her foot massage, and then cheated.

This is a unique and somewhat odd voice. There are a lot of mechanical problems in here that an editor could help out: troubles with punctuation and—more distracting—unusual word choice and useage. The story would have to be gone over line by line to enumerate all these. That’s Rumple’s specialty, if he’s up to it. But something has to be done with sentences like this:

His hands were soon under her sweater, positioning them so by grabbing the seams at the bottom he lifted his arms taking the sweater over her head.

which is very confusing and unclear.

Being unique can be bad but it can be good too. I must say that I would never have thought of describing sexual arousal in terms of brewing beer. It doesn’t really work for me, but you’ve got to admire the originality. I also wouldn’t have had her musing about the way women who are having regular sex walk, because I’ve never noticed anything like this, and I wonder whether it really exists.

On the other hand, there are some nice figures of speech in here. Her “collage” of emotions was nice.

The main problem I had with the story was that it wasn’t really clear what was going on. I think it’s over written, in that the author is going for literary effect at the expense of story clarity. When the story opens, just where is she?

“Quietly she sits, appearing to be…but appearances can be deceiving.

That’s a vague setting if ever there was one. We’re not even told what she appears to be before we’re told that appearances are deceiving. She sits and muses until her musings are disturbed by the ringing of a bell. For some reason—probably the quiet, the bunches of women, and the sudden bell (not to mention to reference to beer)--I assumed she was sitting in a classroom. It doesn’t help that she runs into Loren, which I always think of as a woman’s name. His sex was straightened out soon enough, but still…

Apparently then she’s not in school, but just where she is is never made clear. His house? Her house? The restaurant where she works? He starts to give her a foot massage but we’re not told if she’s sitting down, lying down, standing up, anything. The author launches into a detailed bit of foot play which is okay as far as it goes, and might even be well done, but not knowing where they are or how they’re arranged makes the scene very hard to picture. (Okay wait. I just went back and checked and he does tell her to lie down, so I suppose she’s lying down. But whether on a bed, the floor, a sofa, a table, that’s still never mentioned.)

In brief, I think the story’s overwritten. The basic story—what these two people are doing with each other, where and how they're doing it—is lost somehow, making the story seem vague and confused. Story always has to come first, at least in porn. We always need to have a picture of what’s going on, and that gets lost in here.

---dr.M.

 

[Pure]

Hi JL,

I'm not quite sure what to make of the story. If I may summarize, we're given a look into the thoughts and feelings of a women hoping/yearning to find(?) or have a lover. Then a guy's at the door, who massages her feet; and then they have the great sex she wanted and he appears to fit the bill as the right kind of guy.

The thing is rather static. While I've read stories about one event and lots of thoughts, usually there is some surprises or developments; here I don't see any. She wants loving sex, and the guy walks in and gives it to her, as it were. She's satisfied.
There would be more of a story if, despite her satisfaction, he's pulling up his pants to get out the door, having suddenly remembered it's his anniversay and he's supposed to pick up his wife for dinner.

-----

Staying with the bounds of the story, it's unclear how well she knows him. It appears she does *not know him that well, or what's in store, since she's not really anticipating or looking forward to him, but longing for love.

{added: There is a sentence about anticipation, just before the bell sounds, but I don't find that to be the general 'flavor' of the first part, before his entry, as it were.}


OTOH, they get down to it like old lovers, and everything goes without a hitch or flub. There is no 'get acquainted', but I suppose if it's porn, one doesn't bother.
-----

Let me comment on some sentences. But I will say that the piece does not seem to show much care or polish in mechanics and details--e.g., "soul of her foot".

Igniting the passions within her, harnessing the will to overcome the constraints of self-doubt she is now willing to take the journey with her lover to places her erotic mind has never known. [...]

The bell ringing sent a new rush of excitement though her body. Wanting it to be so right for her tonight, she knows her opportunities are becoming fewer and her expectations become higher. Desires to be fulfilled and the needs of the flesh, sensing they will be fed, react on each other generating heat in her body.
[...]

She was now being driven by the raging desires from within. [...]

So stimulated Kimberley’s body reacted, he was bringing her to a boil.



What I *don't find here is an actual look at her thoughts by an omniscient (but limited) narrator. That might be interesting. But maybe you didn't intend that.

What's there is, is a kind of analytical commentary, in terms that are 'experience distant.'

Compare your
she is now willing to take the journey with her lover to places her erotic mind has never known. [...]

with my proposed account of her thoughts, as known by an omniscient narrator:

//Is he coming? I hope he comes, for I'd do anything with him. God I can hardly imagine. He could do all kinds of nasty and delicious new things and I bet I'd get really hot and come like crzay.//

-----

Compare your
he was bringing her to a boil

with (hypothetically, my words)
//God my pussy is so wet. I hope he fucks me soon. God I'm so horny.//

Please note that the latter 'experience near' sentences could be expressed in third person, e.g., in the second case,

//She was feeling her pussy all wet; she had to have him; she hoped he'd fuck her soon; she could hardly wait.//

Now obviously some parts of the story will be abridged, and you can indeed say, *She thought about how opportuniites were becoming fewer.* without going into detail. But far too much of the story is distant.

You yourself at times get close to her experience, and the following passage is quite satisfactory, imo; you did a good job:

Each sensation traveling a different route to be felt, in her stomach the butterflies, her breasts as the nipples became more sensitive, the moisture starting between her legs. When Loren’s fingertips lightly brushed the back of her calf she let out a little cry of delight. As his fingers tickled the soft flesh of the back of her knee she purred continuously in contentment. The room was getting much warmer, but she was getting hotter.

In the last clause, compare with a (hypothetical) more analytical type statement in the manner you were using, before: "Her sexual desires were becoming ignited." (I made up this sentence.)

In sum: A bit more has to happen, and it would be nice if some things were surprising. IF the guy's a virtual stranger, there's lots for her to discover, for instance.

You use of the omniscient (limited) narrator apparently reading her mind and feelings etc is generally 'distant' and the effect is flat since in many cases you are summarizing or interpreting as if you were her analyst.

One last point. It would be good if you decided if you want a basic romance, with minimal obstacles, or if there is to be any real complications, sexual or emotional surprises etc. Or if it's porn, to culminate in a hot fuck. It seems you want a happy, romantic type ending: Fine, but even this kind of story usually has a few 'hitches' to make things interesting.

I'd urge you to keep writing and you'll find you have adequate skills to write a good story.

I hope this is of some use.

J.

PS. i did not read dr mabeuse before writing the above. but if he's correct that this is a foot fetish story, you'd have to make that more obvious, imo, and make things more kinky. i took it as just standard 'male dating routine', a well worn path that sometimes gets you to first or second base.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

JL,

I apologize for being so slow in giving you some feedback. But I’m glad Doc and Pure have already critiqued your story. That they had trouble getting a handle on your work makes me feel a little better. To be honest, it gave me fits.

Your story is imaginative and has some interesting use of language. The problem is that language, plus mechanical snags, often get in the way of the story. Here are a few examples of mechanical problems.

1. You seem to do a lot of tense switching.

She greets (PRESENT) Loren warmly. As they hugged (PAST, PRESENT WOULD BE “HUG”) her arms touching him, (CAN “THEY” HUG W/O HER ARMS TOUCHING HIM?) the closeness of their bodies, she felt (PAST TENSE, PRESENT WOULD BE “FEELS”) his body’s radiating force flow into her conscious(NESS?).

Here’s one more:

“She felt (EITHER THIS SHOULD BE “FEELS”) like she has (OR THIS SHOULD BE “HAD”)…”

2. Your spelling is fine, but the story needs a good, close line-edit. You seem a little unsure how to handle dialogue tags following quotations. For instance:

"Explore your career options”, (SHOULD BE ,”) Loren said as a sarcastic joke.

“Or perhaps I can provide some more immediate results for sore feet(,)” (WHO?) said with a seductive tone.

Now you are going to experience the delight I am going to bring to you, my dear.” (SHOULD BE ,”) Loren said in his soft and confident voice.

3. The paragraphs are very long by today’s standards, especially when the text will be read on computer monitors. And your sentences are also on the long side. Neither of those is WRONG. There is no right or wrong with fiction, only effective and ineffective. However, most readers prefer short paragraphs and sentences.

4. A related problem is some redundancy. For instance: “…Loren saw her breasts were blotched with reddish pinkish colouring illuminating her hard erect nipples.”

IMHO, you need to spend some time studying the basics of writing fiction. You could do worse than starting out with Stephen King’s “On Writing.”

Just remember, that last paragraph was strictly my humble opinion. As Doc and Pure can tell you, I’ve got a lot to be humble about. For all I know, the public may be poised to jump on your unique style and make you a best selling author. But I honestly think you’ll have a better chance of that happen if you spend some time studying the craft of writing.

Good luck,

Rumple Foreskin

 

[johnloren]

Hello

First, I would like to thank those for taking the time to review my story and share your comments with me, also to those who read the story. The various comments are appreciated and with the examples that were provided I was able to get an understanding of the problems. For each of the comments I went over the story to identify what the criticisms were and to consider ways of fixing it. The writers of the reviews were able to see beyond the flaws and provide positive encouragement, which is the motivator to work on this further and make it right.

The story was written for the intended audience of woman over their mid thirties. I was trying to have the reader identify with the girl, Kimberley and her feelings. There was a partial success here as the reviews of Dr. Mabeuse and Pure are so different, in the interpretation of the story.

While it is tempting to vent about “negative feedback” doing it will accomplish nothing. I maintained my objectivity and kept telling myself that it is helpful to have the “weaknesses” in the story pointed out. I have attempted to categorize the problems under the broad headings of, story, what is lacking and the mechanics of the proper use of the English language. The punctuation, grammar, word tense and the many things that are related is what I will have the most difficulty with. What is acceptable written English is an area I will have to become reacquainted with. In reply to Rumple Foreskin’s comments, for the writing to be acceptable it must meet the established standards and I have fallen down in this area. I am fortunate along with many other amateur writers there are editors that can help us.

The last paragraph of Dr. Mabeuse’s comments does sum up the problems with this story. I am guilty of over writing for literary effect. The story is too vague and has to be developed more. The story has to come first, is right on. Once a story is established for the reader, I believe many of the other criticisms will disappear (hoping). This ties into Pure’s comments about lack of direction and lack of things happening, making the story static. By providing points of reference for the reader, a trail of clues to be pieced together perhaps will make this more vivid and interesting.

Closely related to “story” is what is lacking in this piece. It is not a foot fetish tale; refer to the P.S. in Pure’s commentary. She recognized the part it plays in a seduction. I do not want people to be “pissed” off and feeling cheated. It has been a consistent comment I have received, “is that all there is?” and “I want more” from others who have read this story. The reality is, a hot and steamy sex scene would help. As the characters are left naked hugging each other, it would be a natural continuation of events. It could also help give the story the needed direction.

My attempts at using imagery, such as the beer brewing were not strong enough to give the reader the ability to picture the events as they were happening. The tone in which it was written, does make the story seem flat. By providing some contrasting style dialog and some plot twists (once a plot is established) they story will become more enjoyable.

I found the suggestions offered by Pure to be very helpful. The offering of an alternative worked well for me. In some cases the alternative suggestion started the thinking process and produced an improvement. There are many bad lines in this story that have to be ripped out and replaced with better.

Since the first post by Dr. Mabeuse I have been attempting/working on this story to improve it. A story line, a plot has been worked out. It provides a few twists and has some of the unexpected in it. A sex scene has been added and I’ll have to wait for readers’ comments to find out if it is hot enough. I have a couple of ideas for a conclusion that ties everything together and makes it a complete story. The conclusion part is only notes and still has to be written.

Posting this story in the discussion circle has been a good experience for me and I have gained a lot from the comments provided. To the Muffin lady, thank you for providing the opportunity to have my story reviewed.

johnloren