Workshop: janus40s

KillerMuffin

Seraphically Disinclined
Joined
Jul 29, 2000
Posts
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A great new addition to the SDC has a little something for us to take a look at! Have any ideas or comments? Just press the reply button.

From the Author

I am seeking whatever feedback readers deem appropriate.

This is intended as the first of a series, although it should stand on its own. It is intended for the BDSM category.

Title: O'Flannery and McBrian - LC's First Day

Patrick relaxed at the office for the first time in weeks. He had finally solved his US market problem. LC was going to join the firm. Now he would finally have a chance at selling the product in his home country. The prophet might actually be accepted in his own land.

They had known each other for years, but never had a business relationship. Then one day, he realized that his company needed someone just like her to take over the management of the business. They talked; she agreed. She was ready for a career change (along with the chance to be a part owner of the company). She quit her job and was about to start work as a full, although not quite equal, partner.

He hadn’t decided on a job title yet. Of course he was the president and that wouldn’t change. He figured it would be something like "Vice President of US Operations", but that was really going to be up to her, within reason.



It was nice autumn day. Excitement was in the air. It'd been a long time since she’d started a new job and this one was unlike any other. There was a bustle of people in the lobby, adding to her energy. She was alone on the elevator and took a moment to dance for joy, before replacing her façade of professionalism.

The doors opened on the 15th floor. Her ears were immediately assaulted by the sound of a miniature jackhammer. A workman was repairing the marble inlay on one of the walls. The whole building had an "old money" feel to it that was accentuated by the aged cherry woodwork, brass fixtures and marble windowsills.

She left the elevator area, turned left and saw the office door almost immediately: Suite 1501. She stopped dead in her tracks. Reality had just sunk in. She hadn't expected him to get it done so quickly. The company name was already changed on the door. In nice big letters, black and gold on frosted glass, he saw: "O’Flannery & McBrian LP" Beneath it, in smaller italics, it read, "World Finest Left-Handed Flaginates".

A shiver ran up and down her spine. She was an owner… one of the bosses. Again restoring her composure, she took a deep breath, let it out and opened the door.

The first sensation was the smell of old leather; like a law office or a library. There was a large reception area with room for plenty of visitors. Several doors lead to other rooms, but her attention was focused on the young woman behind the desk. LC closed the door. Immediately, the annoying jackhammer sound was gone, not just reduced, gone.

The receptionist smiled at her confused look. "Good morning Ms. McBrian, it's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Rachael Dolan." She stood up and came out from behind the desk to shake LC’s hand.

Rachael appeared to be in her late twenties, young enough to be LC’s daughter. With a small flick of her head, she tossed her long flaming red hair back over her shoulder. Normally, LC might have found her appearance intimidating. Rachael was curvaceous but sleek, probably a size 12, and dressed in a very flattering blue skirt suit with a white, probably silk, blouse. She was maybe an inch taller than LC but that might have been due to her two-inch heeled shoes.

LC was used to sizing people up in an instant. It came with the territory. But there was something unique, something disarming about Rachael’s fresh-faced charm that she didn’t quite understand. Any nervousness LC may have felt evaporated in the warmth of Rachael’s welcome.

Before she knew it, Rachael had her coat hung up and was heading toward the coffeemaker. LC might have pegged Rachael in the "corporate representative" mold. Her graceful but efficient movements were both natural and practiced. They rounded out a very polished and attractive woman. Still, there was something different about her.

“Please have a seat and be comfortable,” she said. As LC took the soft chair near the desk, she asked, “Do you take coffee or tea, ma'am? We also have spring water, various kinds of juice and the usual soft drinks.”

”Ma’am?” That struck LC as incredibly formal for a midwestern company, especially a manufacturing firm. She filed it away for later thought.

Back to the moment… there were too many choices so she quickly decided on spring water. LC had had her morning coffee already. Rachael prepared a glass with two rough-hewn ice cubes from a leather-padded thermos, and poured water from a glass bottle. She topped off her own cup of coffee and brought both back to the desk, setting LC’s glass on the adjacent small table with a convenient coaster.

Rachael sat in an equally comfortable chair, not quite facing hers, and smiled as she said. "Our offices are sound-proofed. I hadn't realized they were doing construction work until you opened the door. It makes for a nice working environment... among other things." She ended her sentence with a barely noticeable eyebrow-flash.

LC was trying to absorb it all and Rachael sensed her uneasiness. "Don't worry Ms. McBrian, you'll get used to it. Everything here is top notch: the furniture, the facilities, the people... especially the people. You've known Mr. O’Flannery for a while, haven't you?"

She squirmed just a little, not wanting to discuss exactly *how* she knew him. Again, Rachael made it easy for her, "He mentioned that you were friends but had never worked together. I think it's great to be able to do that. Besides, from what he's told me, you're probably going to be able to take over the sales and distribution channels pretty quickly."

Taking a sip of coffee, she continued, "Actually, I think he'll probably turn over more and more of the business management to you as time goes on. He's like that. He lets people take on responsibility at their own pace. Even though you're one of the partners, I'm sure he'll let you get up to speed before dumping too much on you."

LC had to ask the question that had been welling up inside her "Is it always so formal here? Do you always call him 'Mr. O’Flannery'?"

She laughed lightly, tilting her head slightly. "It isn't formality so much; it's more a matter of 'professional image'. We're very warm and friendly but we try to maintain high standards... Speaking of which,” Rachael checked the clock, “we mustn’t keep him waiting." She stood up and LC followed suit.

As LC straightened her skirt, Rachael reached over and brushed something off of her shoulder. She walked around her, checking LC’s appearance and making one or two small adjustments. "Forgive me," she said, "I'm just so used to checking Mr. O’Flannery over before he goes anywhere... If left to his own devices, he would show up at a meeting with dandruff on his jacket and his collar rolled. I hope you don't mind if I do the same for you?"

Suddenly LC had a personal groom. It was a little strange but felt kind of luxurious. "I’m not sure yet," she confessed, “It’s all a little new.”

Rachael chuckled. “That’s OK,” she said, “let me know if it feels intrusive.” She looked at the top of LC’s head for a moment and then scanned her from top to bottom. "Just out of curiosity, ma'am, how tall are you?"

"A little less than five foot three..."

"Hmm..." she said with a frown, "there's nothing I can do for today but I'll have the shoe people stop by first thing tomorrow."

"What?" LC asked, actually raising an eyebrow.

Rachael smiled knowingly and blushed a little. "I'm sure Mr. O’Flannery will explain... shortly..." She laughed through her nose at some kind of inside joke, then turned and buzzed his office.

From the intercom, they heard him say, "Yes?"

"Ms. McBrian is here to see you Mr. O’Flannery."

"Right on time! Send her in."

"Go on in, ma'am." Rachael pointed to his office. "Good luck..." She said and tried to suppress a giggle.

Unsure of what was going on, LC walked over to the door. She quickly forgot about hidden meanings as she reached the door and Patrick opened it.

He welcomed her into his office, closed the door and gave her a big hug. "Oh, LC, this is wonderful. I'm so glad we'll be working together." Before she could reply, he looked at the top of her head, scanned her top to bottom as Rachael had moments earlier and turned immediately stern.

"Good grief! You've been in the office less than five minutes and already you're breaking the rules!"

As the stunned look on her face revealed, LC recognized his tone of voice. He had shifted into that deep, round baritone. She instinctively knew that she was about to get a spanking… but she had no idea why. She could also see him trying to maintain a stern composure. Having known him for years, she knew he was playing. He wasn’t really angry with her, but that didn’t matter. Her bottom was going to be warmed just the same. She decided to let him take the lead, as usual.

"Ms. McBrian," he said, putting a goodly emphasis on the "Ms." He’d never addressed her quite this way before. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized that he was her boss now. "We have a minimum height requirement of 5' 5" for all employees. This simply will not do!"

"What,” she exclaimed, “You knew how tall I was when you hired me! Besides, I had no idea there was any such requirement!"

He walked her over to a credenza that seemed conveniently sized for someone of her stature to be bent over. "Ignorance of the rules is absolutely no excuse, young lady! From now on, you are to wear heels whenever you are on company business."

"What?" she fumed, insolently. The ‘young lady’ thing was a bit much, considering she was five years his senior. He ignored her tone and pressed his hand firmly on the top of her back, leaning her over the credenza. She struggled but it was no use. She could never resist his commands. Something clicked inside her, engaging her obedience reflex.

As she was bent over, she discovered that the height was such that her feet come off of the ground. He slid her forward, to put her hips at the edge. Her flat tummy left her bottom elevated while her breasts were just large enough to bring her forehead in slight contact with the surface.

There were two slots in the top of the credenza on the far side where she could put her hands to hold herself in position. As she slid her fingers in place, she felt the padding. It was very sturdy and the hand slots were well designed to make it comfortable for her. Obviously, this piece of furniture was designed for it’s current purpose.

Suddenly, something pressed across the backs of her ankles and tightened, bringing her legs into a 90-degree angle, straight down. She could have tried to straighten up, but her feet would have been suspended. She was off balance and needed the handholds to keep her steady. She held on for dear life, using all her strength to keep herself bent over.

The phone rang in the reception area. It was muffled but not silenced by the closed walnut door. Obviously, the internal walls were not soundproofed. "Patrick!" she whined, "She'll hear me!"

"Crack!" something hard and flat stung her bottom through her panties. She hadn't realized that her skirt was already up. "OW!" she yelled in surprise.

"You will call me ‘Sir’ or ‘Mr. O’Flannery’ when we are working and when you are being punished. Do you understand?"

"Yes... Sir" she added at the very last moment.

"Rachael is quite familiar with our disciplinary practices here." The swats began again without warning. Despite her attempts to restrain herself, LC yelped at each of them. Oh, but she loved his voice. If only he would scold her throughout the spanking…

In the reception area, Rachael stared at the hidden console in her desk. The light switched from yellow to red, signaling that the floor was secure. Rachael had been looking forward to hearing a second female voice yelling and crying from the boss’s office. She took a long sip of twelve-year-old Scotch, set the glass down and reclined, eyes-closed, as it burned her tongue perfectly.

…Another swat landed on her bottom, then another. They really hurt. She wasn’t sure what the implement was but it was effective…

"Ow!" came another slightly muffled cry from LC. Rachael smiled as she opened her blouse and unhooked the front clasp of her bra. LC was getting much more than she bargained for in her new job. Rachael swallowed the warm mossy flavored liquid, laid her head back and tucked her left hand inside, massaging her nipple. She squeezed and pinched, hurting herself just a little to accent the cries from Patrick’s office.

…He held the ruler out where LC could see it. It was 18 inches long, as wide as a cedar shingle and thick. It was very sturdy, very heavy and it stung like Hell. It was mean, even in a gentle hand. Although it wasn’t necessary, he placed his hand on the small of her back, before beginning the main spanking. LC silently thanked him. It meant that she didn’t have to hold herself in place quite as much.

Hard swats landed on her bottom in a steady rhythm, a little faster than her heartbeat. Each of them was insistently painful, stinging her in series up and down her bottom and thighs. She squeezed the grips and pulled herself into the credenza, trying to avoid the ruler, but it was pointless. She was completely helpless…

…Rachael measured her breathing; pursing her lips and licking them as she arched her head back even farther. The chair supported her as she reclined fully and stretched her feet. Her right hand entered her skirt, careful not to dishevel her clothes. The fingers quickly reached the edge of her rosewood forest and slipped beneath the canopy, finding the damp mossy banks of her riverbed…

…LC hadn’t counted from the beginning but began to do so silently once her tears started flowing. The throbbing built up quickly, as it did whenever Patrick spanked her. She cried, humiliated that Rachael was listening and knowing that she couldn’t hold out much longer.

After less than half a minute, she cried out again, “AH!” “OW!” “OH” and then just released herself to bawling like a baby. Fifteen swats later, he stopped… temporarily.

She was not the least bit surprised to feel her panties being lowered. In fact, she had worn white lace scalloped panties for his pleasure. She had expected to keep them on until long after work, however, and never expected that spankings would be part of her employment conditions. How could he do this in an office setting, where the receptionist could hear her?

The long pause began, her throbbing bottom continuing the punishment without Patrick’s assistance…

…Rachael’s fingers were strong, forcefully pinching, deliberately hard, demanding obedience from her nipple and inner lips. It hurt… deliciously. The fingers hadn’t entered the stream yet, biding their time and building her arousal. She would wait for the sound of wood on bare skin before getting her fingers wet. Meanwhile, she felt the wave of liquor reach her thighs and calves, further intoxicating her. The smell of the drink came to her and took her deeper into the reality of the cozy highland forest in autumn…

The spanking resumed. LC’s screams increased in volume and pitch, her embarrassment increasing as her dignity evaporated. Bare bottom smacks were much worse than the preliminaries. Patrick knew her extremely well. He could make her sting terribly and never quite let her go numb. There was always a fresh place to spank, a spot left idle for a moment then rekindled.

The pain was inescapable, but liberating. It released her heart and let her true-self cry out. There was comfort in her surrender to her not-quite-lover. In this position he could take her if it suited him. If ordered to, she would give herself to him, reluctantly, but that wasn’t her desire. She wanted nothing more than for him to wring pleasure from her with his powerful hands on her exposed flesh…

…Rachael smiled, silently thanking Patrick for his skills and willingness to use them. Her fingers were dancing in the warm shallow river, bringing pleasure to the forest and mother earth. With each scream, she flicked at the banks. Then came the begging, the pleading, the humiliation… and Rachael’s release. She withdrew her fingers at the first wave of her orgasm. She hugged herself, letting the earthquake roll through her as both arms wrapped themselves around her.

One shockwave was enough… for now. The screams from the other woman’s heart filled an empty space in her own. She finally had a sister; someone to share her pleasure; someone who understood the rapture of submission to Patrick’s will. She could listen and savor the pain, drawing strength, knowing she was not alone… and laughing: silently, deeply laughing at the imagined picture of LC bent over and crying…

LC had reached her depth, bared her soul and laid herself naked. She was Patrick’s little girl again, unashamed of her childish bawling and secure in his control. Rachael could laugh all she wanted. It was worth it to be owned by Patrick.

When he finished, he released her ankles and helped her to stand. He gathered her in his arms and let her sob on his shoulder. There was a leather couch along a wall and he carried her to it, placing her on his lap. Kisses, hugs and cuddles ensued.

After a short while, she heard the door open. Rachael brought ice water, cool damp washcloths and plenty of handkerchiefs. Her poise and polish were unblemished. She caressed LC’s cheek, with her left hand, and asked her boss, "Is she alright?"

"She'll be fine in a little while...” he whispered, “She's like you. She needs some comforting and forgiveness afterward."

Rachael’s face briefly matched her hair as her own vulnerability was revealed. "Welcome to the firm, Ms. McBrian," she said genuinely, “It’s wonderful to have you here.” She quietly left the room and closed the door.

Long minutes passed as Patrick held and comforted her through her sobbing. “As long as it takes,” he whispered. He wiped her tears and cooled her face, rocking her like a crying child.

Eventually, she recovered her senses and her pride. "Patrick... oops... Sir?" she said.

"That's alright, dear, the punishment is over and we aren't working at the moment."

"Oh, Patrick, could I please have a copy of the rules?"

"Yes, my dear," he chuckled, "As long as you promise to break them on a regular basis."

Somehow, that struck her as absurdly funny.

Rachael heard their laughter and smiled, content that all had gone well. She massaged her calf muscles and checked the polish on her flat shoes. As she carefully placed her two-inch heels in the shoetree, she felt light-headed, and not from the whiskey…
 
I love spanking stories. They’re always so sweet somehow, so I liked this one. I don’t really know if it’s complete enough to stand alone, but I liked it anyhow.

Where it’s deficient is in explaining LC’s relationship with her boss. Obviously they have a history, and that history is the reason that she’s gotten this job, as well as a piece of the company, which seemed pretty unlikely to me. (She must be absolutely wonderful to spank if he’s giving her this position in return for using her ass.) The fact is, that she doesn’t come across as suited for this position, and Rachel has to pretty much lead her around by the hand. I know that this is incidental to the plot, but the fact that she got to where she is by virtue of sex (I assume) kind of requires that you tell us something about what she’s done to get there. She doesn’t come across as a very savvy businesswoman..

I’m curious as to why you call your lead character LC. That’s an odd enough name to make the reader wonder too. I have to think that it has some special meaning for you. Naming your characters is certainly your prerogative, but I wonder why you chose that name.

As to the story and the writing itself, I’d take another look at your first few paragraphs. There’s a tendency to write in simple, declarative sentences, and that’s noticeable after a while. That’s not hard to fix, though, and fixing it would make the prose flow better.

There’s some oddities in your descriptions too. Rachel is a size 12. I have to confess that I have no idea what that means. It’s generally a good idea, I think, you avoid including any dimensions in descriptions of characters, whether talking about bra size or dress size.

You take a chance with that extended woodland metaphor for Rachael’s masturbation and orgasm (BTW, is it “Rachael” or “Rachel”? I think I saw it spelled both ways.) I don’t know if it works for me. One thing that did jump out was the use of the word “mossy” to describe both the taste of the scotch (an odd descriptor, but I can see it) and somewhere in her masturbation. (Did you mean ‘peaty’ for the whiskey, and then go from there to ‘peat moss’ to ‘mossy’? Just an idea.)

Another thing: maybe this is just me, but when I think of a cedar shingle, I think of a piece about 6-12” wide. This seems awfully wide for a wooden ruler, so I guess we must be thinking of different kind of shingles.

I also had some trouble envisioning how her breasts could be just large enough to make her face rest against the surface of the credenza. What if they were smaller? You mean her face wouldn’t rest against it then? I had some trouble envisioning that whole apparatus in fact. I know, describing stuff like that is hard to do, but it’s essential to understanding what’s going on.

I liked it though. I’ll read the next installment. I know Rachel’s going to get involved. I want to see that.

---dr.M.
 
dr_mabeuse said:
I love spanking stories. They're always so sweet somehow, so I liked this one. I don't really know if it's complete enough to stand alone, but I liked it anyhow.
Thank you. Your comments are very insightful. Among other things, you've addressed most of the areas where I was struggling.

I'm trying to avoid throwing all of the background information into the beginning of the story. My strategy is to tease the reader with some unanswered questions but give him/her enough information to understand the motives and behavior of the parties. Also, I'm trying to keep a balance between non-erotic plot and sex scenes. Many of your comments go directly to these issues.
Where it's deficient is in explaining LC's relationship with her boss. Obviously they have a history, and that history is the reason that she's gotten this job, as well as a piece of the company, which seemed pretty unlikely to me. (She must be absolutely wonderful to spank if he's giving her this position in return for using her ass.) The fact is, that she doesn't come across as suited for this position, and Rachel has to pretty much lead her around by the hand.
This indicates to me that I haven't included enough background in chapter 1. I was hoping to avoid most of the business dynamics until chapter 2, in the hopes that the reader would be "hooked" by the characters and erotic scenes by the time I got to it. However, I think I need to put something at the very beginning to help this along.

After explaining more about LC and Patrick, I'm hoping that it will be clear that each of them brings something vital to the table. The trick is to somehow let the reader know in chapter 1 that there is more to LC than meets the eye without too many boring details
I know that this is incidental to the plot, but the fact that she got to where she is by virtue of sex (I assume) kind of requires that you tell us something about what she's done to get there. She doesn't come across as a very savvy businesswoman..
LC is a paradox: on the one hand she's a successful businesswoman in a male-dominated industry. On the other hand, she enjoys putting her strength aside in her personal life and being submissive to a strong man.
I'm curious as to why you call your lead character LC. That's an odd enough name to make the reader wonder too. I have to think that it has some special meaning for you. Naming your characters is certainly your prerogative, but I wonder why you chose that name.
Part of the tension between LC's femininity and her strong businesswoman persona is reflected in using only her initials in her professional life. "LC" stands for a particularly feminine name; one that would hinder her ability to be taken seriously.
As to the story and the writing itself, I'd take another look at your first few paragraphs. There's a tendency to write in simple, declarative sentences, and that's noticeable after a while. That's not hard to fix, though, and fixing it would make the prose flow better.
OK.
There's some oddities in your descriptions too. Rachel is a size 12. I have to confess that I have no idea what that means. It's generally a good idea, I think, you avoid including any dimensions in descriptions of characters, whether talking about bra size or dress size.
I hadn't though of that, but this should be easy to fix.
You take a chance with that extended woodland metaphor for Rachael's masturbation and orgasm ...I don't know if it works for me.
Another area I was wrestling with.
One thing that did jump out was the use of the word "mossy" to describe both the taste of the scotch (an odd descriptor, but I can see it) and somewhere in her masturbation. (Did you mean 'peaty' for the whiskey, and then go from there to 'peat moss' to 'mossy'? Just an idea.)
This is part of an attempt to weave Scotland through Rachel's character in multiple dimensions. The flavor of peat moss is one of the things that make Scotch unique from other whiskeys. It is also a fixture of the landscape in Scotland, especially along the shores of lakes and streams.
(BTW, is it "Rachael" or "Rachel"? I think I saw it spelled both ways.)
Good catch, and another easy thing to fix.
Another thing: maybe this is just me, but when I think of a cedar shingle, I think of a piece about 6-12" wide. This seems awfully wide for a wooden ruler, so I guess we must be thinking of different kind of shingles.
I'll revisit my lumber metaphors.
I also had some trouble envisioning how her breasts could be just large enough to make her face rest against the surface of the credenza. What if they were smaller? You mean her face wouldn't rest against it then?
Hmmm... I'll have to think about this. If they were smaller, she could rest her head on the desk by turning it sideways. If they were a little bit larger, she would need a pillow under her head. I suppose this is less than obvious to anyone who has never tried to have a large-busted woman lay flat across a desk.
I had some trouble envisioning that whole apparatus in fact. I know, describing stuff like that is hard to do, but it's essential to understanding what's going on.
Alright, I'll work on that also.
I liked it though. I'll read the next installment. I know Rachel's going to get involved. I want to see that.---dr.M.
Thank you. I really appreciate the critique and the positive feedback. --Janus40s
 
Title: O'Flannery and McBrian - LC's First Day

Unlike me, Dr. M. knows this genre and gave you a good critique. Therefore, I’m just going to do a “fine-tooth” number on your prologue to give you some ideas for possible changes. Other than that, all I’ll do is point out a few things in the rest of the story that caught my eye and then get out of the way.

Hope some of this helps. Feel free to get in touch if you’ve got any questions.

RR

--

(ALL “RULES” FOR WRITING FICTION ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN, HOWEVER IT’S USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO TRY AND GIVE A CHARACTER’S FULL NAME WHEN THEY’RE FIRST INTRODUCED. “PATRICK HENRY - LC GREENWOOD”) Patrick relaxed at the office for the first time in weeks. (INDEF. IS IT THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS HE’S RELAXED ANYWHERE OR JUST AT THE OFFICE?) He had finally solved his US market problem (MAYBE ADD: “BY CONVINCING LC TO JOIN THE FIRM” TO THIS SENTENCE AND OMITTING THE NEXT ONE.). LC was going to join the firm. Now he would finally have a chance at selling the product (WHAT PRODUCT? NONE HAS BEEN MENTIONED. MIGHT JUST OMIT “THE PRODUCT”) in his home country. The prophet might actually be accepted in his own land.

They had (HE’D) known each other (OMIT “EACH OTHER” ADD “LC”) for years, but never had a business relationship. Then one day, he realized that (OMIT “THAT”) his company needed someone just like her to take over the management of the business. They talked; she agreed. She was ready for a career change (along with the chance to be a part owner of the company). (USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO AVOID LONG PARENTHETICAL COMMENTS. IMHO, THE IDEA IN THAT ONE COULD EASILY BE INCLUDED IN THE REGULAR STORYLINE.) She quit (BIG SHOTS “RESIGN” WORKING STIFFS “QUIT” J ) her job (CURRENT POSITION – SAME DEAL AS WITH RESIGN/QUIT) and was about to start work as a full, although not quite equal, partner.

He hadn’t decided on a job title yet. Of course he was the president and that wouldn’t change. He figured it would be something like "Vice President of US Operations", but that was really going to be up to her, within reason. (BUSINESS TALK. IN THE SECOND PARA. HE’S HIRED HER TO “TAKE OVER THE MANAGEMENT OF THE BUSINESS-NOT JUST US OPERATIONS. COMPANIES LOVE TO USE “FOR” NOT “OF” AS IN, “VP FOR US OPER.” ANOTHER TITLE MIGHT BE “COO - CHIEF OPERATIONS OFFICER”



It was nice autumn day. Excitement was in the air. It'd been a long time since she’d started a new job and this one was unlike any other. There was a bustle of people in the lobby, adding to her energy. She was alone on the elevator and took a moment to dance for joy, before replacing her façade of professionalism.

Rumple's Rantings: I really hadn't meant to do anything but the prologue, however, there's something I want to point out in the previous paragraph. The events in its last two sentences appear to be happening at the same time. The one that starts "There was a bustle..." could be changed to "There'd been a bustle...." Just to be on the safe side, the next sentence might begin with "Now" as in, "Now, she was alone...."

--

RR: To me, LC’s initial meeting with Rachael seems odd. Granted, this is in BDSM and the company name is a hint of what’s to come. However, for a middle-aged, female, Sr. Exec. who’s just been made a “full, if not equal, partner” to be letting a young receptionist direct things would be, based on my exp., unusual. These folks tend to be hard-driving, take-charge types. Since it seems important to the story that LC be relatively passive, you might want to mention this quirk and/or give more explicit hints about her previous relationship with Patrick.

--

RR: Check on the difference between ellipsis (…) and em dashes (--).

--

RR: The term “mid-western” is mentioned, but not what country. It may be my parochialism, but mid-western makes me think USA. The term’s use confused me. Since he’s concerned with selling product in the states, I assumed the company was in another country.

--

RR: For the quick-cut scene shifts during LC’s paddling to be effective, it must be clear to the reader the POV of each paragraph. You do a commendable job. However, I’d suggest you change the first “her” to “LC” in this one. Rachael has just knocked back a morning eye-opener of Scotch. At first, I wasn’t certain if she was daydreaming or the scene had switched.

“…Another swat landed on her bottom, then another. They really hurt. She wasn’t sure what the implement was but it was effective…

"Ow!" came another slightly muffled cry from LC. Rachael smiled as she opened her blouse and unhooked the front clasp of her bra.

--

RR: At first, I thought LC would have to be seduced into a submissive role but instead she seems to have expected what she got-just not on the job. That being the case, I’d encourage you to consider using some foreshadowing or more hints to prepare the reader. As is, the transition from someone hired just to expand the business to someone hire to expand the business and get the business, is a little abrupt.

--

Overall, an interesting story with some imaginative imagery. I'm looking forward to reading the finished product.

Rumple Foreskin
 
Hey,

Don't mean to beat a dead horse, but the lack of background on the relationship between the characters makes it a tough story to get into for me. If you intend to keep the information as a teaser and divulge it bit by bit you might want to make a note when you post that it's part one of an ongoing story.

If you mean to establish LC as a shrewed or even competant bussinesswoman I think you should add a scene with her taking charge or doing something that shows some business acumen. In this form the soundest business decision I see her make is to take this job (a no brainer) and it seems her most important asset is that she enjoys being spanked. Hardly the kind of resume that would earn one a partnership in a succesful bussiness.

I would change the description of Rachel as a size 12. That means practically nothing. In this day and age of thin being "in" many designer's size 12 is effectively something Otto the tentmaker would have to order extra canvas for while others size 12 would be snug on my 10 year old niece. I believe what you were going for was a full figured woman, if that is the case describing her as voluptous, matronly or even the dreaded Rubensesque would tell me more ;)

I had some trouble understanding how her bust was just large enough to bring her head into slight contact with the surface. It would seem to me that lying on her tummy the length of her neck would have more impact on where her head ended up than her bust size, unless she was really top heavy. Boobs, at least mine, tend to compact under my weight when I am lying flat.

I don't normally try to give any stylistic advice, but this threw me.

"Crack!" something hard and flat stung her bottom through her panties. She hadn't realized that her skirt was already up. "OW!" she yelled in surprise.

Normally when I see quotes around something I think it's dialogue. Did he actually say crack? or is this the noise made? Adding the exclamation point made it seem even more like a quote, but from the context it seemed to be a sound. It's confusing enough to draw me out of the story's flow and make me reread.

-Colly
 
Thank you all everybody for the notes so far...

I am in the process of reworking the story to incorporate most of the suggestions you have made. Once that is done, I will re-post and show you the results.
 
Now that I've read your comments on my comments (!), I understand better what you're trying to do in this scene, and I'd like to comment on your comments on my...&c &c.

It seems like what you're aiming for is to start the story with some action to grab the reader's interest and pull them in; you'll supply the back story later, once you've captured their interest with an initial spanking scene. That's a perfectly good strategy, but looking at the scene in that context, there are some things I would change.

Start the story with her at Patrick's door. As it is, you start with a mention of Patrick, then switch to LC fumbling her way through her first morning, then finally we get to the spanking. All that is distracting. If you want to grab the readers, start the story with them right there with her, about to go into his office, suggesting that there's goiong to be some business discussion. Of course you could have Rachel there with her, but if you want to start a story with a 'grab-scene', I'm of the opinion that you should do your grabbing as quickly as possible.

Think of how much more dramatic the scene would be if you introduced her as a powerful, capable, executive-type going in to see her boss/friend ostensibly for some dry business discussion, and then she gets her spanking. The motivation for the spanking can be the same--the height thing (although I have to admit that when you had Racel and Patrick looking at the 'top of her head', I imagined that they were looking down at her scalp, as if examining her for dandruff). I think it would be wonderfully interesting and fun to write to have her executive business-woman facade fall away as he leans her over the credenza and lets her have it.

As it is now, given her obvious confusion when she comes in to the office and her depenedence of Rachel, I really had the feeling that she was merely a kept woman who'd been given an essentially meaningless 'gal-friday' job just to keep her available for Patrick's sexual use. The fact that she is an effective exec makes the scene a hell of a lot more erotic, at least for me.

You could show her competence just by a conversation she has with Rachel as she's headede for Patrick's office. I see LC giving orders and instructions to Rachel as she goes, Rachel scribbling things down on a steno pad, hurrying to keep up with her new take-charge boss.

Rachel's masturbation as she hears LC getting spanked then also has a bit a revenge component to it as well, as she hears her big boss lady being whittled down to size.

As far as your "mossy" goes, I know what you mean, it's just that in the US that smokey taste is called "peaty".

Anyhow, these suggestions are probably involve changes than you want to make at this point, but I just wanted to throw out some ideas. (It's always easy to tell someone else how their story should be written; if only it were that easy to see in our own stuff :D)


---dr.M.
 
My feedback

Janus,

I noticed you hadn't submitted the story yet and so hopefully these comments will help in your re-working. I've had a skim through what everyone else said and will try to avoid repeating but I have to agree that LC needs to come across as a more assertive and confident character.

Overall, I liked the story and characters and liked the ending hook: it was obvious there was going to be another chapter and what was going to happen to Rachael. Are you planning on letting LC watch her punishment? Maybe you could have her dish it out to go with her new status. Anyway, I digress.

The dialogue was in general very good but certain parts of the story telling were a little clunky; especially at the start. A few examples:


She was alone on the elevator and took a moment to dance for joy, before replacing her façade of professionalism.

She should be IN the elevator and the rest of it doesn't fit. What did she replace her facade with? Why was she portraying an image of professionalism that wasn't true? Surely if she was going to be a partner, she would have to be professional and so it shouldn't be a facade. Were you trying to say that after doing her little dance, she recomposed herself and ensured she was looking professional again?


Immediately, the annoying jackhammer sound was gone, not just reduced, gone.

The sentance ending is overdone. The whole soundproofing thing is a bit distracting. Give the reader some credit - you don't need to spell everything out. Something along the lines of 'Immediately, the annoying jackhammer sound vanished' would be enough to tell you that the door was soundproofed.

Rachael appeared to be in her late twenties, young enough to be LC’s daughter. With a small flick of her head, she tossed her long flaming red hair back over her shoulder. Normally, LC might have found her appearance intimidating. Rachael was curvaceous but sleek, probably a size 12, and dressed in a very flattering blue skirt suit with a white, probably silk, blouse. She was maybe an inch taller than LC but that might have been due to her two-inch heeled shoes.

Be more definite. You have the power to see everything! I know you are trying to describe Rachael from LC's perspective but the story isn't written from her point of view and so it would be better if you left out any probably's, might's and maybe's.

e.g. Rachael was very curvaceous and sleek, dressed powerfully in a flattering white silk blouse and two inch high heels. The heels made her slightly taller than LC.

"Good luck..." She said and tried to suppress a giggle.

Try: "Good luck," she said trying to supress a giggle.



The fingers quickly reached the edge of her rosewood forest and slipped beneath the canopy, finding the damp mossy banks of her riverbed…

Should be HER fingers, otherwise it makes it sound like they don't belong to her!

Hope these suggestions help and the re-working is going well.

Two final points - what are 'Left hand Flaginates' (just curious and I'm sure other readers would be too unless I'm the only one stupid enough not to know!) and thanks for giving me my word of the day - credenza. I'd never heard of one before!

Amsterdam
 
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