Workshop: CrimsonMaiden

KillerMuffin

Seraphically Disinclined
Joined
Jul 29, 2000
Posts
25,603
Hello! We have a new author with us who could use a little of your opinion, so please help her out. This is a light BDSM oriented story with a Master, slave, and a little spanking.

From the Author

This story is my first attempt at writing erotic ficition. It's about a woman who has a sexual awakening, so to speak. I thought it would be a great idea to have it workshopped before submitting it to Literotica, especially since it's my first story. If you are worried about the length of the story, don't be. I intend to split it into two parts (as designated within the body of the story) before submitting it. Thanks for reading it and giving me feedback. All help is appreciated.

part 1 is Aria: Masquerade and part 2 is Aria: Revelation

Aria is here for one reason. She wants to be fucked. She needs to be fucked. And this is the perfect place for it. She is at a masquerade ball so her identity is a total secret. She can be as wanton and raunchy as she wants and no one will ever know. It’s the perfect opportunity to fulfill the fantasy she has always had to be free with her sexuality instead of being the prim and proper prude everyone always thinks her to be. And to be honest, they have reason to think that way. In her personal life, she has never given in to her most secret and darkest desires. She has always been conservative, not wanting her lovers, which were few in number, to think her weird or strange for wanting to have the things done to her that she desires. But all of that is about to change. She has burned so long with her inner desires that she knows she has to fulfill them. When a friend called and asked her if she wanted to use her ticket for the masquerade ball because she was going to be out of town, Aria jumped at the chance. Finally, she’s going to be able to fulfill her desires and ease the burning she has felt inside for so long.

She moves around the ball room watching the other party-goers. They are dressed in a wide variety of costumes. Aria is dressed as a medieval maiden. Her thick fiery hair is adorned with ribbons that intertwine with the ringlets that fall to her waist, which is cinched tightly in a corset that makes her already ample bosom look even larger. Underneath her dress, she wears the sexy black lace corset, a black lace garter belt, black stockings... and nothing else. She searches the ballroom, looking for the right man to fulfill what she needs so desperately. As her eyes roam around the room, she catches sight of a man dressed in black from head to toe. He is dressed in tight leather pants, a black silk shirt, and a black mask. She wonders to herself what his costume is supposed to represent. Though she doesn’t yet know, she will soon find out. He has a nice sculpted body. She can make out the line of his muscles through the flimsy material of his shirt. His pants hug his body like a glove. She can see the bulge in front and is instantly wet. Something inside her screams with need and she knows in that very moment that this is the man for which she has been searching.

She slowly makes her way across the ballroom floor, weaving through dancing couples as she tries to get nearer to the man in black. She looks across the room and to her dismay, realizes he is no longer there. As she turns slightly in order to look about the room for him, she feels a tap on her shoulder. At the same instant she hears a dark and sexy voice ask, "May I have this dance?"

She turns and the man in black is standing there. Her knees go weak and before she can say yes, he takes her in his arms and begins to move seductively around the dance floor. She can barely stay on her feet; the desire inside her is so strong. He is as close to her as he can possibly be and moves one hand down to caress her ass through her dress. He leans in and slowly licks her neck with his tongue. She moans as he continues his caresses, both of her neck and ass.

He slowly moves his tongue up to her and huskily whispers, "You are by far the sexiest woman here. I want you. Will you leave with me now?"

She thinks to herself that leaving with him could be dangerous since she has no idea who he is, but realizes if she doesn't she may miss her chance at satiating the hunger that dwells within her. Sensing her hesitation, he says to her, "I promise I will not hurt you, but I can fulfill those desires for which you have so desperately hungered."

How does he know that? Feeling like she is no longer in total control of herself, she nods her assent and he leads her outside to his waiting car.

As they get in, he tells the driver, "Home," and then closes the privacy window that separates the front from the back. He turns to her and speaks. "I promise I will not hurt you. If I do anything that goes beyond the limits of what you deem acceptable, you may at any time stop what is happening by using a safe word. The word will be bologna. I know, it's silly, but it has to be something that I won't be able to misunderstand or not react to. Can you remember that?”

Aria responds with a yes and the man in black continues, "I have the feeling that you don't want your identity revealed. I can accept that, though I would love to see your face, I will not try to unmask you. I ask that you do the same for me."

Aria silently nods her assent. She wonders what exactly he has in mind that would need a safe word. She shivers as her mind explores what he might do to her. He does not say anything else to her until the car comes to a stop some time later. He pulls a black scarf from a compartment in the seat.

"If we are going to keep our identities a secret, then I cannot allow you to see my home." He ties the scarf around her mask, checking to make sure she can not see. Suddenly, he picks her up and carries her up some steps and into the house. She thinks he will put her down as soon as they reach the house, but he continues to carry her. She hears his footsteps on stairs and feels that they are moving downwards. It seems that he carries her forever, but they finally reach the end and, he slowly puts her down. She reaches up to take off the blindfold, but his strong hands stop her arms before they have gone very far. "Leave the blindfold on. It will heighten what you feel and experience. Remember that you can always say the safe word if you feel things are more than you can handle."

She feels his hands as they slowly caress her body. She senses him moving around her and feels his hands on the zipper of her dress. He slowly unzips the dress and lets it fall to the floor. He takes her hands to steady her as she steps out of it. She stands there as he slowly walks around her, admiring her body.

"Very sexy attire for someone who is always so prim and proper."

She doesn't understand how he could know that. "What do you mean?" she begins to ask, but before she can get the question out of her mouth, he strikes her ass with the palm of his hand.

"From this moment on, you do not speak unless I ask you a question. You are my slave and I am your master. Do you understand?"

She cannot believe what she hears. How can this man know that her deepest darkest desire is to totally give up control and be thoroughly used for whatever a man might want from her? She has taken too long with her answer and he strikes her ass again.

"Answer me when I ask you a question! Do you understand??"

"Yes!" she manages to answer. He strikes her ass again.

"It's yes Master!"

"Yes Master, I understand."

She stands there waiting for what will happen next. The top of her stockings are wet with her juices, ignited by the desire burning deep within her. She is ready for whatever the man in black decides to do to her. Suddenly, her arms are grabbed and pulled behind her back and then bound together with something soft, yet tight and binding. He wraps the binding from her wrists all the way up to her elbows. Then he puts his hands on her shoulders and pushes her down to her knees.

"Now, you will do whatever I ask of you. Any resistance will be met with punishment. Any words spoken without my consent will be met with punishment. You are not allowed to cum unless I say you can. You may moan and show your arousal, but no words. Do you understand?"

"Yes Master!" Aria replies and shivers with anticipation at the thought that her desires are finally being acted upon. She sits there on her knees and waits for what seems like an eternity. Finally he speaks.

"Underneath that prim and proper exterior that you always project resides a very sexy and voluptuous women who wants nothing more than to be controlled and used."

She hears a zipper and feels the soft yet hardness of the head of his cock. Instinctively, before she can stop herself, she turns her head away. She has never enjoyed giving head and her body reacted before she could stop herself.

"Wanting punishment already? Stand up!"

He takes her arm and leads her a few steps away. He pushes her down over a padded object.

"Stand still and don't resist. If you do, it will only last longer."

She suddenly feels a sharp sting on her ass and yelps with pain. A few licks with what feels like his hand and then he stops. She sighs with relief thinking the punishment is over but is startled when something much harder smacks her ass with enough force to bring her to her toes. Over and over he spanks her and what started out as pain slowly turns into desire that makes her pussy tingle with anticipation of the next blow.

"I think that's enough for now. You are enjoying it too much." He chuckles to himself as he leads her away from the spanking area.

"Now, I hope you have learned your lesson. Let's try this again."

He pushes her back down to her knees; this time taking her head in his hands as his the head of his cock touches her lips. She opens them and he pushes into her mouth. He slowly starts to fuck her mouth as she swirls her tongue around his head and then his shaft.

"That's right slave, lick my cock."

He begins to thrust into her mouth more quickly, pushing further in with each thrust. Suddenly, he pushes down her throat and she gags.

"Relax and it will be much easier."

She tries but finds it difficult to breathe as he pushes further down her throat with each thrust. Faster and faster he fucks her mouth and throat until suddenly with a grunt he spews hot cum down her throat. He pulls away from her.

"Stay here and do not move. I will be back shortly." He leaves her then and it takes all her will power not to move from side to side to try and get some relief from the pulsing, throbbing need she feels in her pussy.

After what seems like an eternity, she hears his footsteps approaching her.

"Stand up."

She does as ordered and he leads her a few steps to the left. He unbinds her arms and then helps her up onto what feels like a chair that is semi-reclined. He takes first one wrist and then the other and securely ties them to the armrests. Then he lifts her legs up onto supports of some kind and pushes them until she is spread eagled. He then ties each ankle to the supports. She feels something soft moving up and down her body, lingering on the top of her breasts.

"I think it's time we freed your luscious tits."

She feels the corset being unlaced and as it loosens, it falls open to reveal her big firm breasts and her nipples which are already erect from arousal. She feels the softness on her breasts now and wonders what it is that he's dragging across them. He starts to circle her nipples around and around, making them even more erect that they were already. She moans in agony because she longs for a firmer touch, a pinch, a tongue. The softness continues to circle her nipples and then slowly moves down her body towards her wet center. He lightly teases her clit and then moves up and down her lips.

Finally, she feels his hands begin to caress her body. He starts at her legs and moves upwards. She strains towards his hands when he reaches her upper thighs, but moans in frustration when he skips over her mound and moves to her belly. He moves up wards and she groans once more as he passes by her breasts without touching them. At last, he moves his hands back down and cups her breasts in his hands. He squeezes them and slowly and softly begins to knead them. As she begins to moan and writhe, he kneads harder and moves slowly towards her nipples. He takes one nipple between his fingers and rolls it first one way and then another. She feels a lightening bolt of heat run from her twisted nipple straight down to her pussy and her juices begin to run anew. He then takes the other nipple in his fingers and begins to roll it. She is moving her body now trying to get more of her nipples in his fingers. She groans as he pulls his hands away from her and then hears a soft clinking and she wonders what he is doing. He takes one nipple and pulls it as far away from her body as possible. She moans in mingled pain and pleasure as she feels something clamp onto her nipple. He moves from one nipple to the other and repeats the treatment. Then she feels a tug on both nipples at the same time. She feels another jolt down to her pussy and is almost mindless with the need to be touched and filled deep inside. She feels his hands move slowly down her body until one of them finally reaches her wet pussy.

"My my, you are so wet. You really want this very badly don't you?"

"Yes Master."

"Tell me what you want. Tell me what you want me to do."

She is so filled with need that she has to struggle to get the words to come forth. She feels a sharp tug and then pain in both nipples.

"Answer me!"

"Touch my pussy. Rub my clit. Please, I need you to touch me. Lick me. Put your fingers inside me and fuck me while you lick my clit."

She is surprised when he does what she tells him. His fingers begin to rub her clit, rolling it between them and then he moves them down and slowly inserts one in her pussy.

"You are so tight. I can't wait until I get my cock inside you."

He begins to finger fuck her while slowly licking her clit. She moans and thrashes trying to get closer to his tongue, get his finger deeper in her pussy. He puts a second finger inside her and fucks her harder while sucking on her clit. She cries out and he pulls away from her clit.

"Remember, you cannot cum unless I say so. If you do, you will be punished and it will be much worse than your previous punishment."

He then goes back to bathing her clit with his tongue. He brings her to the brink several times only to pull back each time before she gets to the point of no return. He pulls his fingers out of her pussy and slowly licks downward until he comes to her ass. He rims her virgin hole with his tongue. This is a new experience for her. No man has ever touched her there. She is frightened about what he has in mind to do to her, but is also extremely aroused by the feelings his tongue touching her there is producing. He licks back up to her clit and his fingers dip back into her pussy, but only to pull out her juices. He moves his fingers down and rubs her juices into her tight hole. As he massages, he slowly slides a finger into her ass. She cries out and tries to move her ass to get his finger in deeper, but her bound legs keep her from being able to move more than slightly. He continues to alternately finger fuck her pussy then ass while licking up and down her slit.

Out of her mind with need, she is no longer able to form any coherent thought. She makes animal sounds in her throat. Her entire body is taut with the need to be filled totally with his cock. She feels the head of his cock push against the opening of her pussy. She grunts with need as he slowly enters her. Thrusting slowly in and out, at first with only part of his cock, then all of it, he alternates over and over the deepness of his thrusts. She is burning with need and tries to move her pussy to meet his thrusts. She is panting, feeling like she is about to explode. Suddenly, she feels a sharp tug on her nipples.

"DO NOT CUM!" he orders and pulls on her nipples hard several times in quick succession. His thrusts are getting harder and much deeper as he plunges over and over into her pussy.

He pulls out then and moves his cock down to her asshole. He pushes against her entrance. She is so flushed with need that it doesn't register what he is doing until his head is past her tight ring.

"Oh my god, " she shouts as he slowly fills her ass with his cock. He pushes inside her little by little until his cock is completely nestled inside her tight, virgin ass. He remains still within her and she thinks she will go mad with the need to feel his thrusts, the need to cum.

"Tell me. Tell me what you want, what you need."

"Please, fuck me, fuck my ass. Make me cum. I need to cum, please please."

He begins to thrust within her. Pulling almost all the way out of her ass and then plunging back in again. Over and over he does this, each thrust faster and harder than the one before.

"You may cum now," he pants as he struggles to maintain control long enough for her to cum. As he continues to pound his cock into her ass, he slides his thumb over her clit. This is all she needs to send her over the edge and her body explodes with her orgasm. She cries out over and over and her body spasms with her release. As she reaches the peak of her orgasm, he can no longer hold back. He groans loudly as he shoots his cum deep into her ass.

She is totally spent and wonders dazedly how on earth she will be able to stand up when he releases her from the chair. She does not have to worry about this because after he releases her from her bindings, he picks her up and carries her. The next thing she is aware of is being lowered into warm water. He gently washes her, being very careful of her tender nipples and ass. He pulls her out of the tub, dries her off, and then carries her back to her clothes. He helps her dress then carries her out to the car. He kisses her on the forehead and then helps her into the car.

"Please do not take off the blindfold until you are a ways down the road. The driver will take you to the ball room and wait until you are in your car and safely on your way home."

He watches from the drive as the car drives away. "Until next time my dear Aria."

Aria sits in the car wondering how the man in black knew so much about her and what she needed. She also wonders if she will ever see him again. If only she knew.....

(End of part 1)

Aria goes to work the next day with renewed confidence in herself and attired a little less conservatively than usual. Instead of the routine plain dowdy underwear, her body is clothed in sheer lace panties, bra, and silky black thigh-his. Her hair, which is normally worn pulled up into a severe bun, cascades down her back in fiery ringlets.

As she works throughout the morning, she finds it difficult to concentrate. Her entire body still tingles from head to toe due to her experience the night before. Her thoughts are consumed with images of the sexy man in black and the way he fulfilled her innermost desires. The thoughts careening through her mind re-ignites the desire in her, and she knows her panties must be soaked from her arousal. She struggles to stay still in her chair and finish the project she has been working on.

Lunch break announces itself with the sound of numerous chairs being pushed back and footsteps as the other assistants make their way to lunchtime destinations. Aria rises from her chair and practically runs to the ladies room. She quickly looks around to make sure she is alone and then locks herself into one of the stalls.

“I hope someone doesn’t come in,” she thinks to herself, but knows that even if someone does, there is no way she can stop what she is about to do. Her body is on fire and she must find release. She pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and sits down on the toilet. Reaching between her legs with one hand, she runs her fingers up and down her slit, moaning with need. As she slides a finger inside her pussy, she reaches up and unbuttons the top of her blouse and slips her hand inside her bra. While fingering her pussy, she rolls the nipple between her fingers, gently pulling as she does so. As her breathing quickens, she slides another finger in her pussy and then another. Her fingers are drenched in her juices as she pumps her fingers faster and faster. Nearing the edge, she pulls her hand out of her bra and brushes her fingers against her clit. Groaning with need and anticipation, she works another finger into her pussy and begins to masturbate her clit more forcefully with her other hand. Her body tightens and it’s all she can do to keep from screaming with pleasure as her orgasm washes over her body in waves.

Barely believing what she just did, Aria pulls herself together and exits the stall only to find a fellow assistant standing there.

“Oh, hello Danielle, I didn’t hear anyone come in.”

“I’m not surprised considering all the noise you were making.”

Aria’s face blushes crimson and she stammers, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Come now Aria, I am not deaf. I could definitely hear moans coming from your stall. You were in there pleasuring yourself. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I do it quite often myself. Hearing you in there has gotten me so hot.”

Aria stands rooted to the spot as Danielle advances towards her. Danielle presses her body against Aria, leans in, and kisses her. Aria tries to push her away, but Danielle is strong and insistent. She flicks her tongue between Arias lips as she tries to push her way into Aria’s mouth.

“C’mon sweetie, I just want to show you how hot you’ve gotten me.”

Danielle grabs Aria’s hand and puts it between her legs where Aria can feel the wetness of her panties.

“Feel that? That’s how much your moans turned me on.”

Aria’s feelings are conflicted. She is amazed to feel how juicy Danielle’s panties are but is afraid of where this encounter might lead. She has never been with another woman, even though she sometimes fantasizes about what it would be like to be kissed and caressed by a woman’s hands and lips.

“No, Danielle, we can’t do this. Not now, not in here. Someone will come in and see us.”

“You don’t have to worry about that darlin’. There’s not anyone here right now but you and me. Everyone else is off at lunch. Just relax.”

Danielle kisses Aria again and this time, Aria opens her mouth and hesitantly receives Danielle’s tongue. As she is passionately kissed, Aria once again feels stirrings in her pussy. Without realizing what she is doing, Aria begins to slowly grind her pelvis into Danielle’s.

“Oh yeah darlin’ that feels so good, but you know what would feel better? Slide your hand down there. Put your fingers inside me.”

Tentatively, Aria slides her hand down inside Danielle’s panties. She curves her fingers to cup Danielle’s wet sex in her hand. Slowly, she begins to stroke Danielle’s clit. As Danielle’s breathing quickens, Aria slides a finger inside her and begins to fuck her. They continue to kiss as Aria fucks Danielle’s pussy with her fingers. Suddenly, Aria feels a gush of wetness come from Danielle’s pussy as Danielle begins to buck her hips and moan loudly.

“Oh yeah, darlin’ that’s it, fuck my pussy. Faster! Faster! Oh, yes, yes!!”

Danielle slumps against Aria, her knees weak from her release. After resting against Aria for a moment, Danielle stands up and fixes her mussed clothing. “Thanks a lot darlin’. That was fantastic. I hope we can meet again in a more private place and do some more explorin’.”

As Danielle leaves the bathroom, Aria is left standing against the wall in shock at what she just participated in. “Thank goodness no one walked in on us,” she thinks to herself. Even though she had masturbated a few moments before, the encounter with Danielle left her feeling hot and horny and she wonders how on earth she will make it to the end of the day without bursting into flames from her growing desire.

After lunch, Aria returns to her desk to find an envelope with her name on it lying in the center. Curiously, she picks it up and opens it.

“Did you enjoy the gift I sent to the bathroom for you at lunchtime? See you soon.”

Aria cannot believe what she just read. Danielle was sent to her by someone? The man in black? Aria didn’t think it could be anyone else. She struggles through the rest of the day, trying in vain to concentrate on her work. Quitting time arrives at last and Aria rushes out the door as quickly as possible.

She arrives home and decides to take a nice hot bath. As she is soaking in the tub, her mind drifts back to her encounter with the man in black the previous night. She thinks about how his hands and mouth felt on her body. How his cock felt deep inside her pussy and ass. His note said that she would see him soon. She hopes it’s very soon because her body is on fire with need. Her drifting mind is jarred into awareness by the ringing of the phone, which she had brought into the bathroom with her.

“Hello sexy,” says a deep voice that she is sure belongs to the man in black. “Did you enjoy your time in the bathroom with Danielle?”

“Yes master.”

“You don’t have to call me master. That was just the game for last night. I knew you needed something that was anonymous and secretive so you would feel free to totally let go and lose control. That’s a good game to play on occasion, but not a role that I want to take on permanently.”

“Who are you? How do you know so much about me? How did you know I would be in the bathroom?”

“I know you very well, Aria. I think it’s time for you to know who I am. Go for a walk at 8pm tonight in the park next to your house. I will find you.”

The line disconnects and Aria sits there in wonder. She is excited at the prospect of finding out who the man in black is but also frightened. She gets out of the tub and goes to her room to get dressed. Not knowing what the night has in store for her, she decides to wear a sexy slip dress with nothing underneath. After getting dressed, Aria paces about the house, willing 8pm to come quickly.

As the time to go finally arrives, Aria hurries out the door and down the street to the park. She slowly walks down the paths, moving further into the park with every step. Before she knows what is happening, hands grab her and pull her into the darkness of the trees surrounding the path.

“It’s ok, Aria. It’s me. I thought we might make the best of our secluded surroundings.”

Aria is pushed up against the tree that she is facing. Hands caress her body, down her torso and then back up again, coming to rest on her breasts. He begins to knead them through the thin material of her dress.

“I love the firmness of your tits. They are so big and luscious.”

He pushes the top of her dress down and squeezes her breasts between his fingers. He takes her nipples between his fingertips and rolls them, then pulls them.

Aria is rubbing her ass against him as he caresses her. She moans in ecstasy as he pinches and pulls on her nipples. He moves his hands back up to her shoulders and then down her arms. Grabbing her wrists, he pulls her arms up above her and using his belt, he straps her arms to the tree.

“I know I said that we wouldn’t always play this type of game, but I like having you helpless in a public place.”

He kisses the back of her neck and she shivers in anticipation. While one hand goes back to her breasts, the other hand travels down her body, then moving under her dress, moves up to her pussy.

“You naughty girl, look how wet you are. Your juices are running down your legs and you don’t have on any panties to catch that sweet juice.”

As he runs his fingers along her slit, Aria presses into his hand trying to get relief from the fire that is burning within her. He pushes inside her, first one finger, then another. He slowly starts to fuck her with his fingers.

“More, more!” Aria cries as she bucks against his fingers.

He slides in another finger and continues to fuck her, alternating between slow and fast, bringing her to the brink of orgasm several times only to slow down before she can cum.

Aria thinks she will go mad with need if he doesn’t let her cum soon. Her pussy feels like it’s on fire, engorged with the pleasure that is building within her.

“You like that, don’t you? You like feeling my fingers inside you, fucking you.”

“Yes… please…”Aria pants, begging for release.

“You like this so much, I bet you’d like something bigger even better. You want my cock in your pussy? You want me to fuck you with my cock??”

“Oh yes, yes please fuck me. Fuck me with your big cock. FUCK ME!!”

Aria feels the head of his cock rubbing against her slit and she pushes back against it trying to pull it inside of her. With sudden ferocity, the man in black’s cock rams into Aria’s pussy. She screams aloud from the feeling of being filled so forcefully. As he aggressively pounds his cock into her pussy, Aria bucks wildly against him.

“Oh yes!” Aria screams as the man in black’s cock plunges in and out. “Fuck me harder! Make me cum!”

Aria can feel nothing but the burning in her pussy. The fire that rages inside her is all consuming and she frantically grinds her ass against the man in black trying desperately to find her release.

The man in black slides on hand around Aria’s hip and moves between her legs. He begins to rub her clit, then roll it and pull it between his fingers. As he does this, Aria loses all control and screams out as her orgasm overtakes her. With a guttural cry, the man in black, gushes his cum inside her.

Aria is so overcome that she is dangling by her arms, her legs will no longer hold her weight. Her juices, combined with the man in black’s, run down her legs in rivulets. The man in black gently releases Aria’s hands from the belt and pulls her against him.

“You are so beautiful and so sexy, Aria. I have loved you from afar for so long. All I have ever wanted is to make you mine.”

Aria looks up and sees the face of Alex, her boss. She is amazed that Alex is the man in black. She feels joy bloom inside her, for she has been in love with Alex for years.

“I love you Alex and I will be yours forever.”
 
Hey CM,

As usual I will leave the majority of the thechnical stuff to the experts. On thing I did see right away was this:

And this is the perfect place for it.

I don't think you are supposed to begin a sentence with a conjunction. I wouldn't metnion it, but it is so early in the story it kind of jumps out at you.

This line threw me: Underneath her dress, she wears the sexy black lace corset, a black lace garter belt, black stockings...

In general corsets come with garters of their own. Wearing a garterblet with one would be kind of like wearing a bra over your bikini top. Since you later describe it as a lace up (rather than hook and eye) modle then it almost assuredly has it's own garters. A minor point, but one that will pull readers familiar with corsetry from your work.

While on the subject of corsets:

She feels the corset being unlaced and as it loosens, it falls open to reveal her big firm breasts and her nipples which are already erect from arousal.

Have you ever worn a lace up corset? I am guessing not. In general once tied off the strings are thrust underneath and out of the way. Most people lace them from top to bottom or, for those who really love the wasp waist look from top and bottom to middle. In either case they are a bear to get out of standing. Tied to a chair it would involve Houdini, Papillion and an entire brigade of the NYFD to get you out of one. Since your story isn't really focusing on her lingerie might I suggest a corslet instead? They come with or without garters and the hook and eye closures make removal a snap. The better ones are semi boned to give the up thrust that bust you want, but aren't so constictive as to make removal a problem.

This is just a bit of a pet peeve, but anal sex hurts. That isn't to say it can't be wonderfully pleasureable, but the initial penetration is painful. I don't care how hot you are, how well prepared or how gentle your lover, it still hurts. You have already established Aria as a vocal lover. If you wish to keep the scene realistic have her groan, grimace, at least for a moment show that its uncomfortable before she is begging him to fuck her ass. Going from shy virgin to willing slut in one story requires the reader to suspend their disbelief that a person can change a lifetime of habits in one horny night. While I am willing to concede that possibility, I am not able to swallow (no pun intended) a woman who is a vigin analy taking a man's cock with an "Oh My God" of pleasure. It just dosen't happen that way.

The end bothered me because she didn't recognize his voice. There are a lot of people who I deal with on a daily basis where I might not recognize their voice if I met them in unfamiliar surroundings. My boss isn't one of them, I would know her voice no matter where we met or even over the phone. This is particularly true here because there is so much discourse between them, I can't really see her not realizing who it was at some point during sex. Perhaps her boss's boss or a co worker with whom she has limited contact?

Overall I think its a good story. BD/S&M aren't really my cup of tea, but you seem to have enough to satisfy those who enjoy the scene. There are places where it is very "visual" and hot and others where you use dialogue well to underscore the action. I think you migh do a little more with Aria's background in the opening. Why is she so conservative? What has led her to this point in time where she feels the need to toss a lifetime of habits and let go?

For a first story I think it gets high marks, it is certainly more polished than my first efforts.

Hope some of this helps,

-Colly
 
Thanks for the feedback Colly. Thanks for pointing out the sentence starting with "And." I didn't catch it, word didn't catch it, and neither did a friend who proofed it. I will change it before submitting it. Good point on the corset. I will change it so it's more realistic.

As far as the anal part goes.. I realize that in most cases, first times don't always go well... however, my first experience was not painful so I guess that's why I did not make Aria's painful. I will think about whether or not to change it.

I will change Alex's identity somewhat so that his voice wouldn't necessarily be one she would recognize. I obviously didn't put enough thought into that one.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read the story and suggest things that needed to be improved. This is why I wanted to workshop the story before submitting it.
 
Cm,

I was happy to read it. I am glad you found some of my comments helpful. I am sure you will get some good feedback from the guys and gals who have a better grasp of grammar than I do.

Keep working on it and keep writing, I am sure you will be collecting little pink H's in no time :)

-Colly
 
ok, I changed the anal part. I thought it might keep the readers more involved in the story. I took the part where he began to rim her and finger her ass and moved it to after he fucked her pussy. Here's the changed section:

He then goes back to bathing her clit with his tongue. He brings her to the brink several times only to pull back each time before she gets to the point of no return. Out of her mind with need, she is no longer able to form any coherent thought. She makes animal sounds in her throat. Her entire body is taut with the need to be filled totally with his cock. She feels the head of his cock push against the opening of her pussy. She grunts with need as he slowly enters her. Thrusting slowly in and out, at first with only part of his cock, then all of it, he alternates over and over the deepness of his thrusts. She is burning with need and tries to move her pussy to meet his thrusts. She is panting, feeling like she is about to explode. Suddenly, she feels a sharp tug on her nipples.

"DO NOT CUM!" he orders and pulls on her nipples hard several times in quick succession. His thrusts are getting harder and much deeper as he plunges over and over into her pussy.

He pulls out then, and moves away from her slightly, and then she feels his tongue licking around her ass. He rims her virgin hole with his tongue. This is a new experience for her. No man has ever touched her there. She is frightened about what he has in mind to do to her, but is also extremely aroused by the feelings his tongue touching her there is producing. He licks back up to her clit and his fingers dip back into her pussy, but only to pull out her juices. He moves his fingers down and rubs her juices into her tight hole. As he massages, he slowly slides a finger into her ass. She cries out and tries to move her ass to get his finger in deeper, but her bound legs keep her from being able to move more than slightly. He continues to finger fuck her in the ass, adding fingers to stretch her tight hole.

Aria is moaning and panting in ecstasy as the man in black continues thrusting his fingers inside her ass.

He pulls his fingers out of her ass and she feels the head of his cock brushing against her asshole. Then, he slowly begins to push his cock into her tight ass.

Aria gasps in pain as his cock thrusts past her tight ring. He pushes inside her little by little until his cock is completely nestled inside her tight, virgin ass. He remains still within her to give her ass time to adjust to his cock. Slowly he begins to plunge his cock in and out.

As the man in black slowly begins to fuck her ass, Aria’s groans of pain turn into moans of pleasure. He continues the slow fuck until she feels that she will go mad with the need to feel his cock thrusting hard and fast inside her, the need to cum.

"Tell me. Tell me what you want, what you need."


I hope that makes the story more realistic and more enjoyable.
 
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Paragraphs could be split to make it easier to read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You don’t have to worry about that darlin’

(darlin')Like five times in a row then stoped for the remainder of the story . "darling" --->would not work?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks a lot darlin’. That was fantastic. I hope we can meet again in a more private place and do some more explorin’.”

(explorin') This just does not fit the upper class dialect and to be used only once confirms that it is out of place. "exploring" ---> don't grasp the concept why?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her juices, combined with the man in black’s, run down her legs in rivulets

(black's) how does black become possesive. I would have written the sentence different to avoid this all together. Even (run down her legs in rivulets) does not sound correct if read out loud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trinket things mainly. I like the story with your revised section in place. Arousal factor is high. The story carries nice. Good thought placed in how to move the story from one scene to another. A bit too sweet at the end save that for a romance story. She could play the roll of prissy or slave.... But to melt when she should still be excited or surprized. Just think about it? You will be writeing more?

Phildo,
 
CM,

Until I can sit down an go over the entire story, here are a few mechanical points and style related suggestion concerning the first five paragraphs.

Out of 700 words, “she” appears forty-two times.

Fifteen of the forty-four sentences begin with “She,” two with “Aria,” and four with “He.”

All five paragraphs begin with one of those three words

IMHO, all those figures are a little high and might distract readers from the story.

A quick thought about beginning a sentence with a conjunction. When writing fiction, doing that is not automatically wrong. IMHO, the only hard and fast rule in fiction is “Thou shalt not bore thy reader.” However, with the possible exception of dialogue, it's usually best to try and limit the practice. Just as overusing “She” at the beginning of sentences and paragraphs can distract readers, so can beginning sentences with conjunctions. Neither is wrong in fiction, but both should be kept to a minimum. RF

--

Aria is here for one reason. She wants to be fucked. She needs to be fucked. And this is the perfect place for it. (OMIT “FOR IT’) She is at a masquerade ball so her identity is a total secret. She can be as wanton and raunchy as she wants and no one will ever know (AMBIGUOUS, COULD REFER TO HER IDENTITY OR HER ACTS - MIGHT ADD SOMETHING LIKE, “HER IDENTITY”). It’s the perfect opportunity to fulfill the fantasy she has always had to be free with her sexuality instead of being the prim and proper prude everyone always thinks her to be. And to be honest, they have reason to think that way. In her personal life, (OMIT THE OPENING PHRASE, UNLESS SHE’S GIVEN IN TO ALL THAT IN HER PUBLIC LIFE) she has never given in to her most secret and darkest desires. She has always been conservative, not wanting her lovers, which were (YOU MIGHT CHECK THIS IN A GRAMMAR BOOK, BUT I’D SUGGEST YOU AVOID REFERRING TO PEOPLE AS “WHICH” – IN THIS CASE, YOU COULD CHANGE “WHICH WERE” TO “WHO HAVE BEEN” OR “ADMITTEDLY”) few in number, to think her weird or strange for wanting to have the things done to her that she desires. But all of that is about to change. She has burned so long with her inner desires that she knows she has to fulfill them. When a friend called and asked her if she wanted to use her ticket for the masquerade ball because she was going to be out of town, (STYLE STUFF: BUT UNLESS THE FRIEND’S EXPLANATION IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, I’D SUGGEST LEAVING IT OUT) Aria jumped at the chance. Finally, she’s going to be able to fulfill her desires and ease the burning she has felt inside for so long.

She moves around the ball room (BALLROOM) watching the other party-goers. They are dressed in a wide variety of costumes. Aria is dressed as a medieval maiden. Her thick fiery hair is adorned with ribbons that intertwine with the ringlets that fall to her waist, which is cinched tightly in a corset that makes her already ample bosom look even larger. (IMHO, THIS IS A LONG, COMPLEX SENTENCE THAT WOULD WORK BETTER IF BROKEN INTO TWO OR THREE) Underneath her dress, she wears the (A) sexy black lace corset, a black lace garter belt, black stockings... (DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR STYLE MANUAL, BUT ELLIPSIS SHOW OMISSIONS IN A QUOTE. IN THIS CASE A COMMA OR EM DASH WOULD PROBABLY WORK BETTER) and nothing else. (NEW PARA – THIS IS A STYLE ISSUE, BUT SHORTER PARAGRAPHS ARE EASIER TO READ, ESPECIALLY ON A COMPUTER) She searches the ballroom, looking for the right man to fulfill (PROVIDE/PERFORM?) what she needs so desperately. As her eyes roam around the room, she catches sight of a man dressed in black from head to toe. He is dressed (YOU USED “DRESSED” IN THE LAST SENTENCE) in tight leather pants, a black silk shirt, and a black mask. She wonders to herself (OMIT “TO HERSELF” – IT’S SELF-EVIDENT) what his costume is supposed to represent. Though she doesn’t yet know, (OMIT “THOUGH SHE DOESN’T YET KNOW” – FOLLOWING THE LAST SENTENCE, IT’S REDUNDANT) she will soon find out. He has a nice sculpted body. She can make out the line of his muscles through the flimsy material of his shirt. His pants hug his body like a glove. She can see the bulge in front and is instantly wet. Something inside her screams with need and she knows in that very moment that this is the man for which (WHOM) she has been searching.

She slowly makes her way across the ballroom floor, weaving through dancing couples as she tries to get nearer to the man in black. She looks across the room and to her dismay, (IN THE FIRST SENTENCE “SHE SLOWLY MAKES HER WAY ACROSS THE BR” NOW SHE “LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM” – YOU MIGHT CHANGE THAT FIRST “MAKES” TO “BEGINS MAKING” THEN CHANGE THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND SENTENCE TO REFLECT HER REACHING THE SPOT WHERE SHE’D SEEN HIM.) realizes he is no longer there. As she turns slightly in order to look about the room for him, she feels a tap on her shoulder. At the same instant she hears a dark and sexy voice ask, "May I have this dance?"

She turns and the man in black is standing there. Her knees go weak and before she can say yes, he takes her in his arms and begins to move seductively around the dance floor. She can barely stay on her feet; the desire inside her is so strong. He is as close to her as he can possibly be (IMHO, THAT’S AN AWKWARD, WORDY PHRASE) and moves one hand down to caress her ass (ALTHOUGH YOU USED “FUCKED” IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH, YOU’VE NOW ESTABLISHED A LYRICAL TONE, “ASS” DOESN’T SEEM TO FIT THAT MOOD) through her dress. He leans in and slowly licks her neck with his tongue. She moans as he continues his caresses, both of her neck and ass.

He slowly (ADVERB ALERT – THIS GETS MOST OF US – YOU USED “SLOWLY” TO DESCRIBE HOW HE LICKS HER NECK IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH) moves his tongue up to her (WHAT? PROBABLY A TYPO) and huskily whispers, "You are(, COMMA) by far(, COMMA) the sexiest woman here. I want you. Will you leave with me now?"

She thinks to herself that leaving with him could be dangerous since she has no idea who he is, but realizes if she doesn't she may miss her chance at satiating the hunger that dwells within her. (“SHE” USED FOUR TIMES – “HER” TWICE) Sensing her hesitation, he says to her, "I promise I will not hurt you, but I can fulfill those desires for which you have so desperately hungered."

--

Hope some of this helps. If not, well, the price was right. Remember, all of it is just the subjective, IMHO-type thoughts of a fellow Lit writer.

Rumple Foreskin
 
Congratulations on your first submission to Lit (no pun intended).

I read about half the story, and it seems to me that the main problem with the writing is a lack of sensual detail. Erotica is all about sensuality--how things feel, look, sound, taste--and we don't get very much of that here. You tell us that this man caresses her body, say, but we don't feel the fabric sliding across her breast, the strength in his hands, his warmth. You're either outside her body telling us what he's doing, or you're inside her head telling us what she's thinking about what he's doing. Where we really want to be is where skin touches skin. We want to sense what she's sensing, and the way you do that is through concrete detail and through vivid description, and I think that's where this story is weak.

Look at the blow job scene, for example. That should be a very sensual scene: the feel of him in her mouth, his heat, the weight of his cock on her tongue. We should be able to feel the way he thrusts intro her mouth, angrily, gently, desperately, whatever. It doesn't even matter if you've never sucked a cock yourself. As a writer, you should be able to imagine what it's like with enough detail to describe it to us in such a way that we feel it too. That's what gets a reader into a story and that's what makes a story hot.

I had some questions about the plot too. I don't understand how she can be so sure that just by going to a costume party she's going to find a Dom to make her dreams come true. Was this some special BDSM party and I missed it?

The scene at the party was another example of telling anbd not showing. You didn't tell us anything about what the party was like. No atmosphere, no sense of really being there. It doesn't take a lot to make it come alive: just a mention of maybe a ballroom thick with shadows, maybe candlelight or Chinese lanterns, curious eyes behind masks. A little detail goes a long way.

Now check out this excerpt:
----------------------
He then goes back to bathing her clit with his tongue. He brings her to the brink several times only to pull back each time before she gets to the point of no return. Out of her mind with need, she is no longer able to form any coherent thought. She makes animal sounds in her throat. Her entire body is taut with the need to be filled totally with his cock. She feels the head of his cock push against the opening of her pussy. She grunts with need as he slowly enters her. Thrusting slowly in and out, at first with only part of his cock, then all of it, he alternates over and over the deepness of his thrusts. She is burning with need and tries to move her pussy to meet his thrusts. She is panting, feeling like she is about to explode. Suddenly, she feels a sharp tug on her nipples.
-----------------------
How many sensual adjectives and adverbs are there? At first glance, I don't see any. Sensuality lives in the adjectives and adverbs.

Anyway, that's what I'd avise: more adjectives, more description, more sensual detail. As a writer, you're not just telling us what happened, you've got to tell us your vision of what happened. You've got to take us there and show it to us.

---dr.M.
 
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A7inchPhildo said:
Paragraphs could be split to make it easier to read.

I tried to make sure new actions/thoughts where in new paragraphs. I will read over it a few times to see if any more can be split.

A7inchPhildo said:
(darlin')Like five times in a row then stoped for the remainder of the story . "darling" --->would not work?
(explorin') This just does not fit the upper class dialect and to be used only once confirms that it is out of place. "exploring" ---> don't grasp the concept why?

Southern accent

A7inchPhildo said:
Her juices, combined with the man in black’s, run down her legs in rivulets

(black's) how does black become possesive. I would have written the sentence different to avoid this all together. Even (run down her legs in rivulets) does not sound correct if read out loud.

I'll work on that one to make it flow better.

A7inchPhildo said:
A bit too sweet at the end save that for a romance story. She could play the roll of prissy or slave.... But to melt when she should still be excited or surprized. Just think about it? You will be writeing more?

I guess the fact that I am a romantic at heart bled into the ending of that story. I will consider changing it. And yes, I will be writing more. Thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback.
 
RF, I will go back and revise the beginnings of some of the paragraphs so they aren't all starting with pronouns or names.

Regarding the numerous mentions of shes, I am not sure how to get around that one considering that the story centrally revolves around a female.

As for the grammatical suggestions, I will go back and fix the whiches for whos/whoms and try to eliminate the repeating adverbs. I tried to watch out for that, but obviously some slipped past me.

Thank you for reading the parts that you did and for giving feedback on them.
 
dr.M, I see your point about the details. I understand what you mean in setting the scene, such as at the party, though I am not sure I know what is needed within the sex scenes itself. Considering that, I may be doomed from the very beginning.

In reference to the plot, it is a story of having a desire fulfilled, not changing a lifestyle. As it is currently written, Aria is not a true submissive. It is only a role she wants to play on occasion. However, after reading some of the feedback, that part of the story may need to be adjusted so it fits in better with the way the majority of the story plays out. I will have to give some thought to that.

I appreciate the time you have taken to comment and give your concerns.
 
CM,

You’re taking all this feedback like a pro. Not overusing pronouns is a challenge. It’s even tougher for folks writing in first person. Below, you’ll find a couple of suggestions for avoiding, "she." Warning: it’s a virtual certainty these could be done better and an absolute certainty they could be done differently. You’re the author, and as such, the only one who can make the final decision.

Being a good ole southern boy, I tend to be a tad kinder than the Chicago based, no BS, Dr. M. However, Doc is also right a lot of the time. That includes, IMHO, his thoughts on your story. I kept getting a feeling of distance between myself as reader and the POV character, Aria.

You’ve probably heard/read the old cliché, “show don’t tell.” IMHO, your story does a lot of telling. Just check your two sentences used in the example below. I picked them because one had “she” three times and it appeared four times in the other. However, it turns out they’re also classic, “tell” sentences. Don’t despair, it’s all a part of learning the craft.

RF

--

CM: She has burned so long with her inner desires that she knows she has to fulfill them.

RF: After having burned for so long with inner desires, she now has to fulfill them.

--

CM: She thinks to herself that leaving with him could be dangerous since she has no idea who he is, but realizes if she doesn't she may miss her chance at satiating the hunger that dwells within her.

RF Not knowing who this man is, she realized leaving with him could be dangerous, but otherwise she may never get to satiate the hunger that dwells within her.
 
Thanks for the examples RF, that helps alot. I will try to work on sentences where *she* makes too many appearances.

Can you explain a little more in depth what you mean by feeling distance between yourself and Aria? Is this mainly due to lack of more descriptive details?

After reading back over the story, I see what dr. M meant in regards to adding more descriptions to the sex scenes. This story was not fresh in my mind for I was in the middle of writing a story for the Halloween contest. When I read the comments about the sex scenes I wondered how much more descriptive I needed to be, but realized that I was thinking more of how I had described things in the Halloween story and not the Aria one.

I have done some revisions and will work on it some more tomorrow. Thanks again for the feedback.
 
Can you explain a little more in depth what you mean by feeling distance between yourself and Aria? Is this mainly due to lack of more descriptive details?
CM,

Check out the two examples. In the first one, your opening takes a more analytical approach. "She has burned so long with her inner desires that she knows she has to fulfill them."

While mine won't win any Pulitzers, IMHO, it puts the reader closer to the action. "After having burned for so long with inner desires, she now has to fulfill them."

While there are a lot of advantaged to using third person, one of the drawback is the problem of distance. This is where reading like a writer comes into play. Go to the Top List and check out some of the top rated stories that are in third person. Notice how they handle third person sex scenes. While you want to be true to your own style, some of their "tricks of the trade" might be useful.

Feel free to get back with me.

Rumple
 
CrimsonMaiden said:
Can you explain a little more in depth what you mean by feeling distance between yourself and Aria? Is this mainly due to lack of more descriptive details?

I hope you don't mind if I jump in here, because I think I can maybe shed some light on this.

Most stories are a combination of telling and showing. For instance, you're probably going to set up the story by just telling the circumstances and the background: she wants to go to this party to find a man, her friend gives her a ticket, stuff like that. But when you get to scenes that are immediate and more important, you want to bring your focus in close so that we see and sense what's going on with her.

Consider this excerpt from one of your scenes:
------------------
He then goes back to bathing her clit with his tongue. He brings her to the brink several times only to pull back each time before she gets to the point of no return. He pulls his fingers out of her pussy and slowly licks downward until he comes to her ass. He rims her virgin hole with his tongue. This is a new experience for her. No man has ever touched her there.
--------------------
This is telling, expecially the part where you tell us straight out what she's feeling: "He brings her to the brink...", "This is a new experience..."

One of the best ways to get your reader into the action is to avoid telling him what she feels and thinks, and rather describe what she's doing and let the reader draw their own conclusions. Not only is this more vivid and immediate to the reader, but it involves him in the story. He has to figure out from your descriptions just what she's feeling and thinking.

Instead of telling us that "he brings her to the brink...", you could show us that her thighs begin to tremble; she lifts her hips desperately to his mouth, seeking release; her fingers knot in his hair, she bites her lip as she teeters on the very brink of orgasm, etc. The images get very concrete and very vivid, as vivid as her feelings. We see the picture and we can figure out what she's feeling.

"This is a new experience for her." As soon as you tell us that, you're pulling us out of the here and now of her near-climax and telling us something about her history. Is that really what she's thinking and feeling? "Well, gee, no one's ever done THAT to me before!" Probably not. Probably she's horrified and embarrassed and excited all at the same time. So how do you show that? Maybe she tries to squirm away, maybe she shudders, maybe she groans "No! Please!" at the same time that her 'body opens itself to his lewd caress...'

At its very worst, telling us what happens during a sex scene rather than showing us is a total turn-off, and Lit is full of examples of this kind of thing. It's a laundry list of what Weird Harold called "Putting Tab A in Slot B" and it's inherently unsexy. It gets sexy when you show us what's going in such a way that we can tell what the characters are feeling during sex. The physical act of sex is pretty damned ludicrous; it's the emotional dimension that gives it meaning.

This kind of thing isn't just true of sex scenes; it's true of everything in fiction. For instance, telling us some character is, say, angry is one thing. Finding a way to show us that she's angry is another. She slams the door as she leaves. She spits out her words. She swears, whatever. But always, showing us is more powerful than telling us. Another example: She doesn't know if she wants to leave with this guy. You can just tell us that, but it's better if we see her hesitating, maybe making excuses, I don't know. How do people act when they're conflicted about doing something? It's up to you as a writer to figure this one out.

Having said all this, I do want to point out that telling has its place. As I said, backstory is usually told, and in fact there are some excellent authors who pretty much tell the entire story. Sometimes you want your reader removed form the action. But for sex scenes, for scenes that are supposed to have emotional impact, you almost always want to get in close and show us what's going on.

Hope this helps.

---dr.M.
 
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RF and dr. M, thanks for the further explanations. I totally get what you both are saying. I've already made some of the revisions and will work on the sex scenes to try and make them more *showing*.

Would either of you be willing to read it once it's revised, or should I pm KillerMuffin asking for the story at the beginning of the thread be replaced with the revised one?

Thanks for your continued help.
 
I'd like to see your revised version posted here, so that we could all see how the changes work out.

---dr.M.
 
Here's the revision of the blow job scene. Please tell me if it's improved at all and if anything else needs to be added. Thanks!

Pushing her back down to her knees on the hard floor; he takes her head in his hands and forces the head of his cock between her moist lips. He slowly begins to fuck her warm mouth with his hard cock as she swirls her tongue around the hard ridge of his head and then up and down the veined shaft.

"That's right slave, lick my cock."

He vigorously thrusts into her wet mouth, stretching her sensuous lips wider apart with each thrust. Without warning, his massive cock thrusts deeper, seeking access to the tight warm walls of her throat.

She gags as his hard cock aggressively plunges further down her constricted throat.

"Relax and it will be much easier."

She tries but finds it difficult to breathe as his thick cock forces deeper into her throat with each thrust. Furiously, he rams his cock deep into her throat until suddenly he growls, “Swallow my cum, slave!” Thick, hot cum spurts down her throat as his load spews from his swollen head.

There is more cum in her mouth than she can swallow and it dribbles down the corners of her mouth.

“You’ll improve with practice. Your soft, wet mouth was made for sucking cock. Now, use that sexy tongue and lick my cum off your face.”

Aria seductively licks her lips and the corners of her mouth, lapping up the globs of hot cum that has escaped.
 
Here's the revision of the blow job scene. Please tell me if it's improved at all and if anything else needs to be added. Thanks!

"Pushing her back down to her knees on the hard floor; he takes her head in his hands and forces the head of his cock between her moist lips. He slowly begins to fuck her warm mouth with his hard cock as she swirls her tongue around the hard ridge of his head and then up and down the veined shaft."

CM,

I told you Doc was right a fair amount of the time. The revision is better, but, you still haven't told us how she feels or what she's feeling. You might try this again, but in past tense instead of present. Another "exercise" you might try is doing it in first person from the guy's POV. Experiment.

And speaking of POV, make sure you know which character's point-of-view you're using. Because the reader isn't told what she's feeling, the POV in that paragraph might be that of an omniscient narrator. There's nothing wrong with that, but you'd probably be better off using Aria as the POV character.

note: For most folks, this POV business is one of the hardest aspects of the craft of writing to master. So don't despair.

Rumple
 
RF,

I guess I tend to get focused on one track (this time the details) too closely, and the others suffer.

Back to the drawing board, lol. I will get this right. I think I can I think I can, lol.
 
Hi Crimson,


I thinks there's lots of good ideas youre getting, but perhaps a bit different slant will be of use. You need to use restraint and be economical. I use the opening para since Rumple already cut away some of the underbrush. Delicately. I have incorporated all his suggestions, in the second piece, below.

My own opinion is that the para is far too long--even revised by Rumple-- repeating basic ideas, and not relying on suggestion, as the good dr. has mentioned somewhere. So I give an example of the ruthless cutting and spare writing that I personally prefer, esp. in a scene setting para. I maintain that the basics have not been lost, but if I've omitted a couple, the point still holds.

------

Original 222 words.

Aria is here for one reason. She wants to be fucked. She needs to be fucked. And this is the perfect place for it. She is at a masquerade ball so her identity is a total secret. She can be as wanton and raunchy as she wants and no one will ever know. It’s the perfect opportunity to fulfill the fantasy she has always had to be free with her sexuality instead of being the prim and proper prude everyone always thinks her to be. And to be honest, they have reason to think that way. In her personal life, she has never given in to her most secret and darkest desires. She has always been conservative, not wanting her lovers, which were few in number, to think her weird or strange for wanting to have the things done to her that she desires. But all of that is about to change. She has burned so long with her inner desires that she knows she has to fulfill them. When a friend called and asked her if she wanted to use her ticket for the masquerade ball because she was going to be out of town, Aria jumped at the chance. Finally, she’s going to be able to fulfill her desires and ease the burning she has felt inside for so long.
------

Rumples revisions, 210 words.

Aria is here for one reason. She wants to be fucked. She needs to be fucked. And this is the perfect place. She is at a masquerade ball so her identity is a total secret. She can be as wanton and raunchy as she wants and no one will ever know her identity. It’s the perfect opportunity to fulfill the fantasy she has always had to be free with her sexuality instead of being the prim and proper prude everyone always thinks her to be. And to be honest, they have reason to think that way. She has never given in to her most secret and darkest desires. She has always been conservative, not wanting her lovers, who have been few in number, to think her weird or strange for wanting to have the things done to her that she desires. But all of that is about to change. She has burned so long with her inner desires that she knows she has to fulfill them. When a friend called and asked her if she wanted to use her ticket for the masquerade ball. Aria jumped at the chance. Finally, she’s going to be able to fulfill her desires and ease the burning she has felt inside for so long.

----------
Pure re-write

110 words

Aria needs to be fucked. That is why she's here, disguised, at the masquerade ball. The ticket was given to her by a friend, and she seized the chance to live out her most secret desires. She is not the prude most people think her to be, nor so conservative as her few lovers probably thought. And it isn’t just the fucking she needs, it’s the weird things she thought of during sex, strange things done to her that she never asked for. Her fears and desires for respectability have always ruled. Tonight she would take a chance to indulge the darkest of her fantasies.

--
I've left present tense, though the past would be easier for many of the sentences. I've run longer sentences, but that's optional.

That's all I can say for now, but maybe you'll see what I mean.

You seem to have much technical competence, and maybe an overview will be of benefit.

J.
 
Thanks for your feedback Pure. I am working on revising the story per suggestions that I have received here. I actually changed the part about getting the ticket from the friend, so that is no longer in the story.

I will post the total revised story when I am finished (about halfway through, I stopped so I could get my Halloween contest story finished and submitted). I should have it done within another day or so if I can get enough quiet time from the kids, lol.
 
Ok, here is the revised story, hope it's better...

Aria is here for one reason. She wants to be fucked. She needs to be fucked, and this is the perfect place. She is at a masquerade ball so her identity is a total secret. She can be as wanton and raunchy as she wants and no one will ever know. It’s the perfect opportunity to fulfill the fantasy she has always had to be free with her sexuality instead of being the prim and proper prude everyone always thinks her to be. And to be honest, they have reason to think that way, for she has never given in to her most secret and darkest desires.

Always having been conservative, she never wanted her lovers, whom were few in number, to think her weird or strange for seeking to have the things done to her that she desires. But all of that is about to change. Having burned so long with her inner desires, she knows she has to fulfill them. Constantly searching for the event that would lead to her destiny, Aria stumbled across the advertisement to the ball on a message board. Finally, her desires will be fulfilled and the burning she has felt inside for so long will ease.

Entering the candle-lit ballroom, Aria studies the other party-goers, who are arrayed in a variety of costumes. Dressed as a medieval maiden, Aria’s thick fiery hair is adorned with ribbons that intertwine with the ringlets falling past her shoulders. Her waist is cinched tightly in a corslet that makes her already ample bosom look even larger. Underneath her dress, she wears the sexy black lace corslet, a black lace garter belt, black stockings, and nothing else. She nervously twirls a strand of hair around her fingers and decides it’s time to begin her quest.

Hidden behind masks, eyes glint in the sparkling light, casting curious glances at Aria as she moves through the shadowy ballroom. Her searching eyes catch the commanding gaze of a man attired completely in black. Her heart thuds in her chest as her eyes skim down his strapping figure.

His lower body is encased in tight, supple leather while soft black silk clings to the sculpted muscles of his upper body. A menacing black mask covers his face from brow to chin. Aria could feel his dark gaze drinking in her appearance. Her body trembles at the thought of the man in black checking out her curves.

Strolling leisurely through the dancing throng of party-goers, Aria is drawn inexplicably towards the dark-clad stranger. Momentarily distracted by a boisterous male who dances into her path, Aria discovers with dismay that she has lost sight of her mystery man. Turning slightly in order to look about the room for him, she feels a tap on her shoulder. At the same instant she hears a dark and sexy voice ask, "May I have this dance?"

She turns and the man in black is standing there. Her knees go weak and before she can say yes, he takes her in his arms and begins to move seductively around the dance floor. She can barely stay on her feet; the desire inside her burns so strongly. Holding her closely, his hand slides down the soft velvet of her dress to caress her fleshy bottom. He leans in and slowly licks her neck with his tongue. She moans as he continues his caresses, both of her neck and plump behind.

He slowly moves his tongue up to her ear and huskily whispers, "You are by far the sexiest woman here. I want you. Will you leave with me now?"

Her dancing feet falter, for she knows that leaving with the mysterious man could be dangerous, but realizes otherwise that she may miss her chance at satiating the hunger that dwells within her. Pulling away from him slightly, she stammers, “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

Sensing her hesitation, he says to her, "I promise I will not hurt you, but I can fulfill those desires for which you have so desperately hungered."

How does he know that? Feeling like she is no longer in total control of herself, she nods her assent and he leads her through the flickering shadows of the ballroom to his waiting car.

As they get in, he tells the driver, "Home," and then closes the dark privacy window that separates the front from the back. He turns to her and speaks. "I promise I will not hurt you. If I do anything that goes beyond the limits of what you deem acceptable, you may at any time stop what is happening by using a safe word. The word will be bologna. I know, it's silly, but it has to be something that I won't be able to misunderstand or not react to. Can you remember that?”

Aria hesitantly responds with a yes and the man in black continues, "I have the feeling that you don't want your identity revealed. I can accept that, and though I would love to see your face, I will not try to unmask you. I ask that you do the same for me."

Silently nodding her assent, Aria wonders what exactly he has in mind that would need a safe word. She shivers with anticipation as her mind explores what he might do to her. Heart pounding with excitement and fear, Aria settles in the smooth leather of the seat, noticing for the first time the musky scent of the man beside her.

He remains silent until the car comes to a stop some time later. He pulls a black scarf from a compartment in the seat.

"If we are going to keep our identities a secret, then I cannot allow you to see my home." The silky scarf softly caresses her skin as it is tied gently but firmly around the eyeholes of her mask, and he checks to make sure she can not see.

Suddenly, he picks her up and carries her up some steps and into the house. She thinks he will put her down as soon as they reach the house, but he continues to carry her. She hears his footsteps on stairs and feels that they are moving downwards. It seems that he carries her forever, but they finally reach the end and, he slowly puts her down.

She reaches up to take off the blindfold, but his strong hands stop her arms before they have gone very far. "Leave the blindfold on. It will heighten what you feel and experience. Remember that you can always say the safe word if you feel things are more than you can handle."

Aria trembles from the unknown of what is about to happen. She doesn’t understand why but senses that the man in black can be trusted. Feeling secure in the promise that he will release her upon the use of the safety word, Aria prepares to relinquish total control.

She feels his warm hands as they slowly caress her body. She senses him moving around her and feels his hands on the zipper of her dress. He slowly unzips the dress and it falls to the floor with a soft swish. His strong hands reach out to steady her as she steps out of it. Air whispers around her body and she shivers as he circles and admires her voluptuous figure.

"Very sexy attire for someone who is always so prim and proper."

She doesn't understand how he could know that. "What do you mean?" she begins to ask, but before she can get the question out of her mouth, he strikes her ass with the palm of his hand and she yelps in surprise.

"From this moment on, you do not speak unless I ask you a question. You are my slave and I am your Master. Do you understand?"

She cannot believe what she hears. How can this man know that her deepest darkest desire is to totally give up control and be thoroughly used for whatever a man might want from her? She has taken too long with her answer and is rewarded with another stinging slap on her ass.

"Answer me when I ask you a question! Do you understand??"

"Yes!" she manages to answer. He strikes her ass again.

"It's yes Master!"

"Yes Master, I understand."

She stands there waiting for what will happen next. The top of her stockings are wet with her juices, ignited by the desire burning deep within her. She is ready for whatever the man in black decides to do to her. Suddenly, her arms are grabbed and pulled behind her back and then bound together with something soft, yet tight and binding. He wraps the binding from her wrists all the way up to her elbows. His strong hands grasp her shoulders and push her down to her knees.

"Now, you will do whatever I ask of you. Any resistance or words spoken without my consent will be met with punishment. You are not allowed to cum unless I say you can. You may moan and show your arousal, but no words. Do you understand?"

"Yes Master!" Aria replies, her body shivering with anticipation at the thought of her desires finally being acted upon. Squirming slightly on her knees, she waits on the hard floor for what seems like an eternity. Finally he speaks.

"Underneath that prim and proper exterior that you always project resides a very sexy and voluptuous women who wants nothing more than to be controlled and used."

Hearing a zipper, she feels the soft yet hardness of the head of his cock. Instinctively, before she can stop herself, she turns her head away. She has never enjoyed giving head and her body reacts before she can stop it.

"Wanting punishment already? Stand up!"

He firmly takes her arm and leads her a few steps away. He roughly pushes her down over a padded object. She waits with dreaded anticipation for her punishment.

"Stand still and don't resist. If you do, it will only last longer."

Feeling a sharp sting on her ass she yelps with pain. A few licks are given with what feels like his hand and then he stops. Her body relaxes thinking the punishment is over but she is startled when something much harder smacks her ass with enough force to bring her to her toes. Over and over hard licks sting her ass and what started out as pain slowly turns into desire, making her pussy tingle with anticipation of the next blow.

"I think that's enough for now. You are enjoying it too much." He chuckles to himself as he leads her away from the spanking area.

"Now, I hope you have learned your lesson. Let's try this again."

Pushing her back down to her knees on the hard floor; he takes her head in his hands and forces the head of his cock between her moist lips. As his cock forces past her lips, Aria fights the instinct to struggle and try and get away. She decides to do her best to please him with her tongue and mouth.

As he slowly begins to fuck her warm wet mouth, Aria realizes that sucking on a mysterious man’s cock is a huge turn on and she eagerly opens her jaws wider. While he continues to thrust slowly into her mouth, she swirls her tongue around the hard ridge of his head and up and down the veined shaft.

"That's right slave, lick my cock."

Her nipples tingle from the friction of rubbing against the lacy corslet as her body moves with the motion of her mouth being fucked. Aria moans as the sensations in her nipples surge through her body and stir the fire already burning in her pussy. Fueled by her arousal, Aria eagerly sucks and licks his hard cock as it forcefully thrusts into her mouth.

He vigorously thrusts into her wet mouth, stretching her sensuous lips wider apart with each thrust. Without warning, his massive cock thrusts deeper, seeking access to the tight warm walls of her throat.

She gags as his hard cock aggressively plunges further down her constricted throat.

"Relax and it will be much easier."

She tries but finds it difficult to breathe as his thick cock forces deeper into her throat with each thrust. Furiously, he rams his cock deep into her throat until suddenly he growls, “Swallow my cum, slave!”

Thick, hot cum spurts down her throat as his load spews from his swollen head, and there is more cum in her mouth than she can swallow. It slowly dribbles down the corners of her mouth. Surprisingly, she finds the taste is not unpleasant.

“You’ll improve with practice. Your soft, wet mouth was made for sucking cock. Now, use that sexy tongue and lick my cum off your face.”

Aria seductively licks her lips and the corners of her mouth, lapping up the globs of hot cum that have escaped.

"Very good slave, now stay here and do not move. I will be back shortly." He leaves her then and it takes all her will power not to move from side to side to try and get some relief from the pulsing, throbbing need she feels in her pussy. Sweat drips down her heaving breasts as she tries to wait patiently for his return.

After what seems like an eternity, heavy footfalls approach.

"Stand up."

After she does as ordered, he leads her a few steps to the left. Her arms are unbound and then he helps her up onto a cool smooth surface that feels like a chair and is semi-reclined. He takes first one wrist and then the other and securely ties them above her head to the chair. Her legs are then lifted onto supports of some kind and pushed apart until she is spread eagled. He then ties each ankle to the supports. Writhing in anticipation, Aria arches her body, hoping for his touch.

"I think it's time we freed your luscious tits."

The corslet is unhooked and as it loosens, it falls open to reveal her big firm breasts and her nipples which are already erect from arousal. She feels softness on her breasts and wonders what it is that he's dragging across them. He starts to circle her stiff nipples, making them even more erect than they were already. Aria moans in agony because she longs for a firmer touch, a pinch, a tongue. The softness continues to circle her nipples and then slowly moves down her body towards her wet center. He lightly teases her clit and then moves up and down her lips. Her pelvis lifts, yearning for stronger stimulation.

Aria’s body quivers from the sensations of softness being brushed over its surface. She strains against her bindings, her body alive with desire.

At last, his warm hands caress her trembling body. Starting at her slim legs, his strong hands massage their way upwards.

Aria moans in frustration as the warm hands move from her thighs to her taut stomach, completely skipping over her throbbing pussy. The tantalizing massage continues but veers onto her arms before coming to a stop on her firm breasts.

Moaning in ecstasy, Aria can only focus on the desire exploding within her body as his hands begin to caress her breasts. Taking her stiff nipples in his fingers, the man in black rolls them back and forth, eliciting whimpers from Aria as the electricity shoots from her nipples down to her blazing pussy.

Suddenly, she feels the wet flick of his tongue, teasing her swollen nipple, licking gently around. Then he takes it in his mouth, greedily sucking and Aria arches her back trying to get more of her nipple into the powerful suction.

Aria groans in protest as the man in black briefly pulls away from her. Hearing a soft clinking sound, she wonders what he is doing.

Without warning, he grabs her nipple and roughly pulls it taut. She gasps in surprise and pain as something is clamped tightly to her nipple. The treatment is repeated on her other nipple and she momentarily wonders if this is the moment to use the safe word.

A sharp tug on her nipples interrupts Aria’s thoughts and she is astonished to discover that she likes the way it feels.

Wet licking resumes around her nipples and jolts of electricity shoot down her body as quick tugs accompany the licks. Aria is mindless with the need to be touched and filled as her burning pussy throbs in anticipation.

Slowly, hands move caressingly down her body, reaching between trembling thighs to stroke the flaming center of her desire.

"My my slave, your juices are soaking my fingers. You want to cum very badly don't you?"

"Yes Master, please," Aria pants.

“Oh, you will cum, just not yet. Tell me what you want. Tell me what you want me to do."

Consumed with desire, Aria struggles to get the words to come forth. Pain and pleasure fires through her nipples as the clamps are roughly tugged.

"Answer me!" commands the man in black.

"Touch my pussy. Stroke my clit. Please, I need you to touch me. Lick me. Slide your fingers deep inside me and fuck me while you lick my clit."

Her body quivers as his fingers being to lightly caress her clit. Stroking more forcefully, his fingers pull on her swollen nub causing her body to quake.

Fingers are replaced with his wet tongue as his fingers glide down to her hot entrance. One finger slips inside her and Aria tries to thrust her pussy farther onto his finger.

"Your pussy is so tight, slave. My cock is going to feel so good squeezed inside that tight wetness."

Slowly he begins to finger her while teasing her clit with his tongue. Aria moans and thrashes, hips bucking as his finger moves inside her. A second finger joins the first and he fiercely fucks her while sucking on her swollen clit. Aria cries out and his motions cease.

"Remember, you cannot cum unless I say so. If you do, punishment will be swift and far worse than before."

He resumes his ministrations, bathing her clit with his tongue and persistently thrusting his fingers into her. Out of her mind with need, Aria is no longer able to form coherent thoughts. Animal sounds emit from her throat. Sweat drops from her taut body as his fingers leave only to be replaced by his hardness pushing against her wet entrance.

His hard cock slowly drives inside her tight pussy. His thrusts tantalizingly ignite her need as she rises to meet him. Relentlessly, he fucks her burning pussy, her hips bucking to meet his thrusts, desperately seeking release.

Abruptly, she feels a punishing tug on her nipples and screams in surprise and pain.

“DO NOT CUM!” commands the man in black, and he brutally yanks on her nipples several times in quick succession to drive his point home as his cock withdraws from her flaming pussy.

Alarmed, she feels his tongue sliding between her ass cheeks. She squirms as his tongue begins to rim her quivering asshole. His fingers push into her soaking pussy, but only to draw out her juices. The juices are massaged into her tight hole and she bucks her hips, her mind mortified by what he is doing even as her body responds to his wicked caresses.

As he massages, he slowly slides a finger into her tight hole. Aria cries out as her mind and body give in to his unremitting probing. His fingers stroke inside her ass, slowly stretching her opening in preparation to take his hard cock.

Aria is moaning and panting in ecstasy as the man in black continues thrusting his fingers inside her ass.

He pulls his fingers out of her ass and she feels the head of his cock brushing against her asshole. Then, he slowly begins to push his cock into her tight ass.

Aria gasps in pain as his cock thrusts past her tight ring. He pushes inside her little by little until his cock is completely nestled inside her tight, virgin ass. He remains still within her to give her ass time to adjust to his cock. Slowly he begins to plunge his cock in and out.

As the man in black slowly begins to fuck her ass, Aria’s groans of pain turn into moans of pleasure. He continues the slow fuck until she feels that she will go mad with the need to feel his cock thrusting hard and fast inside her, the need to cum.

"Tell me. Tell me what you want, what you need."

"Please, fuck me, fuck my ass. Make me cum. I need to cum, please please."

He begins to vigorously thrust within her. Pulling almost all the way out of her ass and then plunging back in again. Repeatedly he does this, each thrust into her tight ass deeper and harder than the one before.

"You may cum now," he pants as he struggles to maintain control long enough for her to cum. As he continues to pound his cock into her ass, he slides his thumb over her clit.

Ass lifting off the chair to meet his pounding thrusts, Aria cries out as her body is overcome with pleasure. Her orgasm rocks her body, pussy spasming as wave after wave crashes through her.

Clenching his cock tightly, her ass squeezes with each orgasmic spasm. With a hoarse cry, he spurts hot cum deep into her ass.

Aria lies in the chair, her body exhausted from the pleasuring she has received. She is only vaguely aware of her wrists and legs being released from the bindings and being lifted from the chair.

She is lowered into warmness and feels a soft cloth being dragged across her body as she realizes that the man in black is bathing her.

He gently washes her, being very gentle around her tender nipples and ass. As he finishes, she is helped out of the tub and into her clothes.

Escorting her out to the car, he kisses her forehead and says, "Do not take off the blindfold until you are a ways down the road. The driver will take you to the ball room and wait until you are in your car and safely on your way home." He helps her into the car and then shuts the door.

He watches from the drive as the car drives away. "Until next time my dear Aria."

Aria sits in the car wondering how the man in black knew so much about her and what she needed. She also wonders if she will ever see him again. If only she knew......

Aria arrives at work the next day with renewed confidence and attired a little less conservatively than usual. Instead of the routine plain dowdy underwear, her body is clothed in sheer lace panties, bra, and silky black thigh-his. Her hair, which is normally worn pulled up into a severe bun, cascades down her back in fiery ringlets.

As she works throughout the morning, she finds it difficult to concentrate. Her entire body still tingles from head to toe due to her experience the night before. Her thoughts are consumed with images of the sexy man in black and the way he fulfilled her innermost desires. The thoughts careening through her mind re-ignites the desire in her, and she knows her panties must be soaked from her arousal. She struggles to stay still in her chair and finish the project she has been working on.

Lunch break announces itself with the sound of numerous chairs being pushed back and footsteps as the other assistants make their way to lunchtime destinations. Aria rises from her chair and practically runs to the ladies room. She quickly looks around to make sure she is alone and then locks herself into one of the stalls.

“I hope someone doesn’t come in,” she thinks to herself, but knows that even if someone does, there is no way she can stop what she is about to do. Her body is on fire and she must find release. She pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and sits down on the toilet. Reaching between her legs with one hand, she runs her fingers up and down her slit, moaning with need. As she slides a finger inside her pussy, she reaches up and unbuttons the top of her blouse and slips her hand inside her bra. While fingering her pussy, she rolls the nipple between her fingers, gently pulling as she does so. As her breathing quickens, she slides another finger in her pussy and then another. Her fingers are drenched in her juices as she pumps her fingers faster and faster. Nearing the edge, she pulls her hand out of her bra and brushes her fingers against her clit. Groaning with need and anticipation, she works another finger into her pussy and begins to masturbate her clit more forcefully with her other hand. Her body tightens and it’s all she can do to keep from screaming with pleasure as her orgasm washes over her body in waves.

Barely believing what she just did, Aria pulls herself together and exits the stall only to find a fellow assistant standing there.

“Oh, hello Danielle, I didn’t hear anyone come in.”

“I’m not surprised considering all the noise you were making.”

Aria’s face blushes crimson and she stammers, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Come now Aria, I am not deaf. I could definitely hear moans coming from your stall. You were in there pleasuring yourself. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I do it quite often myself. Hearing you in there has gotten me so hot.”

Aria stands rooted to the spot as Danielle advances towards her. Danielle presses her body against Aria, leans in, and kisses her. Aria tries to push her away, but Danielle is strong and insistent. She flicks her tongue between Arias lips as she tries to force her way into Aria’s mouth.

“C’mon sweetie, I just want to show you how hot you’ve gotten me.”

Danielle grabs Aria’s hand and puts it between her legs where Aria can feel the wetness of her panties.

“Feel that? That’s how much your moans turned me on.”

Aria’s feelings are conflicted. She is amazed to feel how juicy Danielle’s panties are but is afraid of where this encounter might lead. She has never been with another woman, even though she sometimes fantasizes about what it would be like to be kissed and caressed by a woman’s hands and lips.

“No, Danielle, we can’t do this. Not now, not in here. Someone will come in and see us.”

“You don’t have to worry about that darlin’. There’s not anyone here right now but you and me. Everyone else is off at lunch. Just relax.”

Danielle kisses Aria again and this time, Aria opens her mouth and hesitantly receives Danielle’s tongue. As she is passionately kissed, Aria once again feels stirrings in her pussy. Without realizing what she is doing, Aria begins to slowly grind her pelvis into Danielle’s.

“Oh yeah darlin’ that feels so good, but you know what would feel better? Slide your hand down there. Put your fingers inside me.”

Tentatively, Aria slides her hand down inside Danielle’s panties. She curves her fingers to cup Danielle’s wet sex in her hand. Slowly, she begins to stroke Danielle’s clit. As Danielle’s breathing quickens, Aria slides a finger inside her and begins to fuck her. They continue to passionately kiss as Aria fucks Danielle’s hot pussy with her fingers. Suddenly, Aria feels a gush of wetness come from Danielle’s pussy as Danielle begins to buck her hips and moan loudly.

“Oh yeah, darlin’ that’s it, fuck my pussy. Faster! Faster! Oh, yes, yes!!”

Danielle slumps against Aria, her knees weak from her release. After resting against Aria for a moment, Danielle stands up and fixes her mussed clothing. “Thanks a lot darlin’. That was fantastic. I hope we can meet again in a more private place and do some more explorin’.”

As Danielle leaves the bathroom, Aria is left standing against the wall in shock at what she just participated in. “Thank goodness no one walked in on us,” she thinks to herself. Even though she had masturbated a few moments before, the encounter with Danielle left her feeling hot and horny and she wonders how on earth she will make it to the end of the day without bursting into flames from her growing desire.

After lunch, Aria returns to her desk to find an envelope with her name on it lying in the center. Curiously, she picks it up and opens it.

“Did you enjoy the gift I sent to the bathroom for you at lunchtime? See you soon.”

Aria cannot believe what she just read. Danielle was sent to her by someone? The man in black? Aria didn’t think it could be anyone else. She struggles through the rest of the day, trying in vain to concentrate on her work. Quitting time arrives at last and Aria rushes out the door as quickly as possible.

She arrives home and decides to take a nice hot bath. As she is relaxing in the warm water, her mind drifts back to her encounter with the man in black the previous night. She thinks about how his hands and mouth felt on her body. How his cock felt deep inside her pussy and ass. His note said that she would see him soon. She hopes it’s very soon because her body is on fire with need. Her drifting mind is jarred into awareness by the ringing of the phone.

“Hello sexy,” says a deep voice that she is sure belongs to the man in black. “Did you enjoy your time in the bathroom with Danielle?”

“Who are you? How do you know so much about me? How did you know I would be in the bathroom?”

“I know you very well, Aria. I think it’s time for you to know who I am. Go for a walk at 8pm tonight in the park next to your house. I will find you.”

The line disconnects and Aria sits there in wonder. She is excited at the prospect of finding out who the man in black is but also frightened. She gets out of the tub and goes to her room to get dressed. Not knowing what the night has in store for her, she decides to wear a sexy slip dress with nothing underneath. After getting dressed, Aria paces about the house, willing 8pm to come quickly.

As the time to go finally arrives, Aria hurries out the door and down the dark street to the deserted park. She slowly walks down the path, moving further into the darkness with every step. Before she knows what is happening, strong hands grab her and pull her into the darkness of the trees surrounding the path.

Aria screams as she is pushed against the tree that she is facing.

“Be quiet, slave!” commands the sexy voice of the man in black.

Hands caress her trembling body, down her torso and then back up again, coming to rest on her breasts. The silky softness rubs against her breasts as his unyielding hands knead her heaving breasts.

“I love the firmness of your tits. They are so big and luscious.”

He tugs the top of her dress down and squeezes her breasts between his fingers. Her nipples are taken between his fingertips and he rolls them, and then pulls them.

Aria is rubbing her ass against him as he caresses her. She moans in ecstasy as he pinches and pulls on her nipples. Grabbing her wrists, he yanks her arms up above her and using his belt, he straps her arms to the tree.

“I like having you helpless in a public place.”

He kisses the back of her neck and she shivers in anticipation. While one hand goes back to her breasts, the other hand travels down her quivering body, then moving under her dress, moves up to her pussy.

“You naughty girl, look how wet you are. Your juices are running down your legs and you don’t have on any panties to catch that sweet juice.”

As he runs his fingers along her slit, Aria presses into his hand trying to get relief from the fire that is burning within her. He pushes inside her, first one finger, then another. He slowly starts to fuck her with his fingers.

“More, more!” Aria cries as she bucks against his fingers.

A stinging slap rains down on her ass and Aria yelps in shock.

“You do not speak unless I have given you permission!” commands the man in black.

He then slides another finger into her wet pussy and continues to fuck her, alternating between slow and fast. Her hips buck against his fingers, seeking the release he continues to deny her.

Aria thinks she will go mad with need if he doesn’t let her cum soon. Her pussy feels like it’s on fire, engorged with the pleasure that is building within her.

“You like that, don’t you? You like feeling my fingers inside you, fucking you.”

“Yes… please…”Aria pants, begging for release.

“You like this so much, I bet you’d like something bigger even better. You want my cock in your pussy? You want me to fuck you with my cock??”

“Oh yes, yes please fuck me. Fuck me with your big cock. FUCK ME!!”

Aria feels the head of his cock rubbing against her slit and she pushes back against it trying to pull it inside of her. With sudden ferocity, his massive cock rams into Aria’s pussy. She screams aloud from the feeling of being filled so forcefully. As he aggressively pounds his cock into her pussy, Aria bucks wildly against him.

Aria can feel nothing but the burning in her pussy. The fire that rages inside her is all consuming and she frantically grinds her ass against the man in black trying desperately to find her release.

“Cum for me slave!” commands the man in black.

One hand slides around Aria’s hip and moves between her legs. He begins to stroke her clit, then roll it and pull it between his fingers. Aria loses all control and screams out as her orgasm overtakes her. With a guttural cry, the man in black gushes his cum inside her.

Aria is so overcome that she is dangling by her arms, her legs will no longer hold her weight. Both of their juices run down her legs in rivulets.

“You are so beautiful and so sexy, Aria. You are mine now. You are my slave and I am your Master. This is your destiny. Are you going to submit?”

Aria looks up and sees the face of Alex, who works on a different floor in her building. She is amazed that Alex is the man in black. “Yes Master, I submit. I am yours to command.”

He releases her from the tree and allows her to fix her clothing. “Go home now. Tomorrow, we will discuss arrangements for you to join me permanently.”

Aria leaves the park, excited that she has found her Master. She continues down the road towards her destiny.
 
Crimson,

I think the comments of your kind critics are good advice. But if you imagine your story as a portrait, I would say you are painting it with a ball-peen hammer.

This is a Coming of Age story -- a young woman at last realizing her inner passions. It is also intimate, between two people. It needs subtlety, nuance, titilation. It should seduce the reader just as the man in black seduces the woman.

We want to know more about her, the nature of her desires, where they arise from. We want to vicariously take part in the seduction -- to see her vulnerability exposed. We want to know this woman who the man in black (we) is going to have his way with.

Instead, we are driven by blunt force narrative into a fuckfest with stock phrases like, "Your tits are so big and luscious!"

If anything can ruin an otherwise promising story, it's cliched narrative and dialogue. Get rid of it. All of it. Just because a thousand writers have used those words doesn't mean you have to.

Make your characters come to life and you won't have to concern yourself nearly as much about the sex descriptions. The readers' imaginations will take care of a great deal of that if you've made them fall in love (or lust) with your people.

A technical note: break your story into shorter paragraphs. Nothing is more subconsciously intimidatinig to a reader than massive blocks of gray text.

If part of this sounds harsh, it is not meant to be. I'm just trying to make some crucial points -- without writing massive blocks of gray text!
 
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