work-in-progress

[Chicklet]

Hey all,

I'm wondering if there's anyone out there willing to answer a few questions I have about a story I'm working on. It's only at about 2000 words right now, and not at all finished. I'm asking before I'm done because things about it are nagging at me, worrying me, and making it harder for me to write it.

Questions:

1) I've obviously been cutting this story into parts. I *want* it to be choppy, to be broken, for the reader to be following different parts of the story all at the same time. Is it too confusing as it is? If so, can you offer any ideas on how to keep the style similar, the idea the same, but make it clearer to the reader?

2) A few of the parts so far, and in the future, are purely conversation. I try to picture my story as if it were a movie...I can see it playing in my head. In these scenes I'm imagining a dark screen, so you can't even see the characters, the only action being the voices. Is it too confusing? Does it read well?

3) More about the conversations. I try to keep conversations as real as possible - do you think that as they are they work out to be natural? Can you see yourself and your lover getting into arguments like this?

4) Can you identify with these characters? I really want my characters, especially Rae, to be like people that everyone knows. Someone with problems that you can't quite put your finger on, but you know it's there.

Okay, if you can follow all this, thank you.

-Chicklet

 

[Chicklet]

Ice Queen (working title)

Ice Queen
By Chicklet

“If you were going to dump me-“

“I wouldn’t dump you.”

“Well, if you were going to dump me, for a guy, who would you choose?”

“That’s a baited question, isn’t it?”

“I’m just wondering.”

“I’m not straight, and I’m not going to dump you, so why does it matter?”

“Well…you’re always pretty friendly with Kevin. More so lately. Aren’t you?”

“Oh my god, Rae. Can you give it a rest?”

“Seriously, Kim. I need to know. Do you like Kevin?”

“Not like you mean.”

“But you like him.”

“I’m allowed to have friends.”

“Friends aren’t people that you go off and whisper with, and giggle around. You don’t flirt with friends.”

“I wasn’t flirting with him.”

“Right.”

“Sometimes, being friendly might look like flirting. But it wasn’t.”

“Right.”

“What’s your problem with Kevin?”

“You guys go off together, hang out, spend time alone all the time. It makes me, well, jealous. It hurts my feelings that you’d rather hang out with him than with me.”

“There’s no reason for you to be jealous. You’re my girlfriend.”

“There’s plenty of reason.”

“What’s that?”

“You’ve been with men.”

“So? Some people don’t start out knowing exactly what they want. I had to find out for myself.”

“You’ve never been with me.”

“Okay, I get it. You’ve made your point, okay?”

“You don’t understand.”

“You’re wrong, Rae. I understand perfectly.”

* * *

Rae’s hands touched me in the middle of the night. I knew too well the soft skin, the insistent fingers that worked their way under the blankets and up my nightgown. Cold air swept into my bed and sent a chill down my spine.

“Go to bed, Rae,” I whispered, pulling away from her touch and tucking the blanket back under my chin.

She didn’t say anything, but I could hear her heavy breaths. Soon she turned away, and I heard her soft footsteps travel down the hall until she reached her own bedroom.

In the darkness I opened my eyes, the tears gathering like heavy puddles. I struggled to keep them back, but was either too tired to do it effectively or really wanted them to come. They flowed freely, and I tried to shift my mind to other things, to keep it blank. To concentrate on anything but the pain I knew I caused Rae each night, each rejection. Rejection. Not my word; hers. I fell asleep again, and twisted fitfully as dreams refused to come.

* * *

maybe here a sort of “introduction” to Kim to make you like her – gotta introduce the reader to the character so he/she can relate and bond with her.

I met Rae in the summer during one of my few trips into the city. She sat with friends under the shade of a large tree, smiling, laughing, talking. I sat alone in the sun, my sketchbook in my lap, my eyes squinting even behind sunglasses due to the bright glare bouncing back from nearby pavement. With her short hair and punky look she caught my eye, and them I was drawing her slowly with my pencil, tracing the lines of her face in my lap. Carefully I drew her youth, captured her smile, shaded her eyes.

“Nice drawing,” a voice from above startled me.

“Thanks,” I muttered, pulling the book up close to my chest, perhaps trying to keep my private picture of the girl I hadn’t yet met to myself.

To my horror, the one that had complimented my work went right to the group in which my muse sat, and bent over to whisper something into her ear. Rae’s eyes widened, and she looked at me. Before waiting for any accusations, I jumped up and left the park.

I tried not to think of what the girl must think of me. Pervert. Stalker. Sicko. Dyke. It wasn’t until months later that she and I would cross paths again.

* * *

“Do you love me, Kim?”

“What?”

“Do you love me?”

“I don’t know why you’d ask me something like that, Rae.”

“Maybe to find out if you love me.”

“You already know.”

“Maybe you need to tell me, anyways.”

“You can’t force me to say it out of the blue. I say it when I want to.”

“Fine.”

“You know I do, so why should I have to say it all the time?”

“Because I like to hear it.”

“Well, I’m sorry.”

“Why can’t you just say it to make me feel good?”

“Why can’t you just leave it alone?”

“Why can’t you admit that you don’t love me anymore?”

“I do love you.”

“You don’t do a very good job of it.”

“Well. What am I supposed to say to that?”

* * *

Jason just didn’t feel right. He did everything he was supposed to do, he said all the things he was supposed to say, he touched all the places he was supposed to touch. But something about it just didn’t feel right.

Jason came to bed later than usual the last night we were together. His breath was bitter with the scent of beer, his shirt scuffled, his hair messed. I was already in bed, sitting up, knees pressed protectively against my body, reading a book when he came home.

The door slammed loudly when he entered our apartment, the windows shaking with the force. He was never an angry drunk, but sometimes he forgot his own strength. “Kim,” he mumbled, coming into the bedroom.

I put the book aside and straightened out my legs, watching my boyfriend as he watched me.

“Hey baby. Don’t be mad.” His words were slurred, and he took the few steps towards me required to reach the bed. Smiling, he dropped himself down on top of the blankets, and I grunted with the weight forced on me. “My pretty lady Kim,” he said. His stale breath made me grimace. “I love you, baby.”

Busy hands were stroking my legs through the thick blanket. My body was pinned underneath his weight, and I struggled to free myself. Even with someone I trusted so much, the restriction scared me.

“Jason, get off me, okay?” I hated being weak. I hated being weaker than him.

“Sexy lady Kim.”

He moved quickly for someone under the influence, his lips bruising mine in a heavy kiss while his thick breath filled my mouth. He descended upon me like an animal in heat. His tongue penetrated my lips, pushing deep into my mouth; his strong hands grabbed my breasts roughly through the blankets. I twisted my head, trying to escape, trying to get away, struggling to release my mouth from his sour taste, but he was much too strong.

It was a useless struggle as Jason pulled the blankets aside and rolled on top of my body, pushing my nightgown up my legs and straddling me with his heavy weight. I cried out, shouting for him to stop, trying to convey that I was serious and that everything he was doing to me was wrong. My protests fell on deaf ears, and soon my throat was sore, my voice hoarse.

His thickly erect member pushed through my painfully dry flesh. It felt as though he were ripping a hole right through me, breaking straight through my skin to get into my warm body. I stopped struggling as the burning pain spread through my body, my cries turned to mere whimpers as he pushed and shoved his way inside me. I don’t know if I blacked out, but I don’t remember what happened between the first real hard thrust and the last, when he pumped his seed inside of me.

Is it rape, I wondered to myself afterwards, if the aggressor is someone you know and love? Can it be rape when he thinks he is making love to his girlfriend?

Jason fell asleep on top of me, his breath deep and heavy in my ear, his weight almost dead on top of me. I rolled him off gently, unwilling to hurt him. I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, hoping the hot water would make some of the pain inside me go away. The water did nothing to cleanse me.

I slept on the couch that night, and I left the next morning. I couldn’t bear the thought of climbing back under those sheets, of sleeping peacefully next to the man who had hurt me so much. It almost made it worse to think that he didn’t even know why I was upset. After Jason there were no other men; no lovers, no boyfriends, no dates. Whenever I thought of the power a stronger being could have over me, I shuddered. Such strange, unfamiliar feelings of doubt inside me.

* * *

“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do. That day in the park, when I drew you, I thought to myself ‘that girl is the prettiest girl to ever walk to earth.’”

“Love at first sight, huh?”

“Well, lust anyway.”

“Not love? Not even a little bit of love?”

“Well, maybe love.”

“’Maybe?’”

“Well I didn’t know you, then.”

“Do you now?”

“Sometimes I think I do. But sometimes you surprise me, Rae, and I’m not sure again.”

“Well, Kim, surprises are the spice of life.”

“Maybe.”

“’Maybe’ again?”

“Well, a little predictability can be good, too.”

“That’s why I come home every night.”

* * *

I could hear her in the kitchen. Rae could be loud when she wanted to be. I rolled over and tried to block it out, pulling a pillow over my head. I hated facing her after what she called a ‘rejection.’

Rejection was the title she gave it, not me. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with saying ‘no;’ after all this was something very new to me.

A long series of crashes and swear words came from the kitchen. Staying in bed seemed better and better, but I knew that if I wanted to stay on Rae’s good side I’d need to pull myself up soon.

Rae made the decision for me, her footsteps loud in the hall. My door banged open.

“Good morning, sleepy-head.” Her petite body was wrapped in that sheer robe that made my heart flutter. She was naked underneath, her tanned skin showing through the fabric. I could see everything, her large nipples and soft breasts, the slight curve of her belly, the v of hair between her legs. “I made you pancakes.”

“I’m coming, give me a second.”

She glared at me, her eyes narrowing for just a moment before she seemed to relax again. Slowly, obviously trying to be seductive, she reached down and pulled the tie to her robe. The soft fabric fell away, exposing her bare flesh for real. The ploy was working; I could feel heat traveling through my body straight to the hot place between my legs. But as hot as she made me, the feeling was accompanied by the usual twisting of my stomach, something quite painful and scary. Anxiety flooded me, and as quickly as I’d been turned on, I was frightened away, and averted my eyes.

“I’ll be out of bed in a minute, okay?”

She turned and left, not saying anything.

* * *

Accepting Rae into my life was the hardest and the easiest thing I’d ever had to do. All I had to do was stay seated and listen to her, but forcing myself to remain with her instead of running away at first sight was very, very difficult.

I hadn’t forgotten the girl from the park. Sometimes strange waves of uncharacteristic sentimentality would flood me and I’d find myself flipping back through my sketchbook to the partially finished picture. The eyes disturbed me in a way I couldn’t describe.

The bookstore I frequented had a large supply of art books and a staff that wouldn’t bother me if all I wanted to do was sit and read, no matter how much time I spent there. I liked to sit for hours, lost in the shiny pictures of great paintings I might never see. My fingers lightly traced the words as I read a description of Andrea Montegna, a picture of one of his frescos on the opposite page.

“You like that?”

I looked up sharply, startled out of the world I had dreamt myself in to. It was her, the girl from my dreams. So much time had passed since I’d last seen her face, and yet I knew every line. Her short hair curled just at the level of her eyes, nearly blocking the dark orbs from my sight.

“Yeah,” my response was hardly audible, more of a croak than a word. The girl smiled, and to my horror and delight took the seat across from me.

“Me too.” She lifted the heavy book she was carrying so I could see the title, her cheeks flushing in quick embarrassment. Naked Truths: Women, Sexuality and Gender in Classical Art & Archaeology. “Go art.”

I smiled and looked down.

“You drew me, didn’t you?”

The color must have flooded my cheeks faster than anything ever had before. Embarrassment heated my blood, and mumbling something along the lines of an apology I jumped up from the table.

“No, please,” she cried out, “stay.” Her words were as effective as hands pulling me back down into the seat. “I’m Rae. What’s your name?”

* * *

“Why don’t you want me?”

“I want you.”

“But you don’t want me.”

“I do. I just…I don’t know.”

“You want me, but you don’t.”

“Please, Rae, just give me time?”

“We’ve been living together for four months, been going out for six. You haven’t even kissed me in weeks.”

“Can’t you just give me time? Please? I’ve never had a relationship with a girl, I’ve never loved a girl…I don’t want to move too fast and spoil it.”

“Maybe something’s wrong.”

“With me?”

“No, Kim. Maybe there’s something wrong with us.”

* * *

We didn’t start dating, the relationship between Rae and I seemed to just happen. We went to movies, bookstores, concerts, lunches; neither of us were really taking the other out. We were just hanging out together, like friends would do. I was coming into the city almost every week, and soon I just couldn’t afford another trip.

“Stay with me,” Rae coaxed. “There’s no reason to pay such high hotel prices when you have me. I’ll even pay for half your gas, too…just come, alright?”

“I don’t know,” I said, fingers fiddling with other fingers in my lap. It made me uncomfortable to think I’d be at her mercy to come and go, unable to escape her if the urge overtook me. I didn’t like thinking I might be helpless around her…around anyone. But the thought of seeing her again made my heart flutter.

“My room-mate moved out last week and I’m lonely Kim,” she whimpered. I could see the smile on her face even though miles separated us. “Look, no pressure. I have the extra room, I have an extra key. I’d love to have you over, it’d be ‘girls night’ okay?”

“Well,” I said, drawing it out, “We can’t have you lonely. I’ll come.”

Rae squealed happily into the phone, and a smile that threatened to break me in half spread across my face. I was happy to hear her happy, and that was all that mattered.

That Saturday was the best ‘girls night at home’ I’d ever experienced. We popped popcorn, watched movies, and drank a whole bottle of wine. My head was spinning but I’d never felt so alive.

As the last movie ended, Rae scooted closer to me on the couch. Her bare knee touched my skin, and she put an arm loosely around my shoulders.

“I love having you here,” she said softly, looking into my eyes. I quickly averted my gaze, my stomach twisting into knots as she went on. “I’ve been trying to get you into my apartment for months now, you know that?”

I nodded, and looked back at her. Her eyelids were heavy, her lips parted slightly. I could see the tips of her pearly white teeth, the soft redness of her tongue.

“I’m lusting over you big time, Kim. You know that?” Her hand moved to my leg, the fingers lightly brushing against my skin, sending goose bumps up and down my body. I shivered, and she bent in closer. “Ever since that first time in the park, I’ve wanted you. Tell me you want me, too.”

I nodded again, and shut my eyes. She took the lead and lowered her face to mine, her sweet breath filling my nostrils as she pressed those soft lips against mine. I moaned into her mouth, opening my lips and letting her tongue penetrate me. She was so gentle. I’d never felt the touch of another woman, and it felt like heaven.

Rae’s hand stroked my leg more intently, moving up towards the hem of my nightshirt. Slowly she moved on top of me, her lips never leaving mine as her kiss became more intent. The arm around my shoulders slid down behind my neck, pressing my face into her kiss as she started to suck at me, dragging me out through my mouth into hers. I tasted her, tasted the sweet flavor of her body, the smoothness of her teeth, the gentle roughness of her tongue. She moaned into me and pushed her hips towards my body. Something inside me broke, then, and I felt hot tears begin to roll down my cheeks.

Busy hands found their way under my shirt and lightly stroked my breasts, my nipples coming to life at once and tensing into hard nubs. I whimpered, the tears coming heavier and faster, as Rae tickled my flesh. She opened her mouth wider and pushed deeply into my mouth, her moans filling me completely. A sob escaped my throat, hiccupping, and she pulled back with a start.

Closed eyes opened wide and she gasped at the sight of my tears, her hands yanking back from my body in an instant. One moment on my lap, the next she was standing in front of me, hands limply at her side, chest heaving as she stared at my tear-filled eyes, my red face, my open lips.

“Kim?” she whispered.

I couldn’t meet her eyes, my humiliating tears burning my cheeks like acid as they slipped down my face. I was ashamed to have such a reaction to her touch, the knots in my stomach twisting from good to bad. I felt sick.

“Are you okay?” she said, but her voice was shaky. “I’m sorry,” she said, and she walked away from me.

If I’d known her then like I know her now I would have followed her, apologized to her for my behavior, kissed her again, assured her I was okay. That’s what she wanted. She walked away in hopes that I would follow and beg forgiveness. But I didn’t know her then, I didn’t know how her thought process worked. I didn’t understand that she felt rejected. I thought she was rejecting me. Instead of going to her I went to the spare room and curled up on the bare bed and cried myself to sleep.

* * *

“Let’s go to a movie.”

“I don’t feel like going to a movie today.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, Rae. I just feel like staying in.”

“You never want to go out and do things with me anymore.”

“I just don’t feel like it right now, okay?”

“You just don’t feel like doing anything with me.”

“Why don’t we do something here?”

“Like what, Kim? Suggest something.”

“I don’t know. We could play a game.”

“Okay, let’s play ‘why doesn’t Kim like going out with Rae.”

“Oh come on.”

“No, seriously, why don’t you want to go out with me?”

“I just don’t feel like it.”

“You never feel like it anymore.”

“I just haven’t been feeling good lately.”

“Neither have I, and I don’t see your life being ruined because of it.”

“Am I ruining your life?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“You know how.”

* * *

The kitchen smelled good, but the sweet smell of pancakes made my stomach churn. Even good scents can be bad ones if you can see disaster coming. I sat down and Rae set a plate in front of me, taking the seat across the table.

“What do you think?” she asked. I hadn’t even taken my first bite.

“They look great,” I said, staring at the plate of food. I glanced up at Rae, her dark eyes wide with expectations. Whatever I said next would be the wrong thing, and I knew it.

“Well, eat up.”

I took a forkful of food and slowly fed it into my mouth, my eyes watching Rae as she watched me. I was wary of her in this mood. I’d experienced her bitterness before and it never left me feeling good. My heart pounded in anxious anticipation of an argument to come.

“About last night,” she started. My face heated up at the mere mention of the incident. “I’m sorry, you know? I just want to be close to you.”

I didn’t answer, only nodded, my eyes falling down to my plate.

“Sometimes I don’t understand my own actions, you know? I don’t know why I’m so stupid, why I seem to want to hurt myself. I hate being rejected and I keep setting myself up for it.”

“I don’t mean to reject you,” I whispered, my heart sinking with each word that left her lips. Sometimes she made me angry, talking like this, other times she made me sad.

“You mean to, but that’s not the point. The point is, Kim, that we’ve been living together for a long time, and you don’t want me to even talk to you.”

“That’s not true,” I said quietly. She went on as though she hadn’t heard my protest.

“Maybe it’s time we spent some time apart. Maybe I ought to move out, let you have the place to yourself.”

“I don’t want you to move out,” I said.

“Don’t bother. I’ll get my stuff and be out by this afternoon.”

“It’s your apartment.”

“I know, but I should still move out. After all, I’m the one causing the problems, right?”

I set my fork down, my eyes hot with tears that refused to be shed. “I don’t want to live without you,” I told her, looking at the table. “I want to live with you. I love you. I wouldn’t want to live without you.”

Rae was quiet and took a bite of her pancakes. I looked up into her face, into her stony eyes, her hard expression. She looked distant, but there was the undertone of being pleased with herself. She had reminded me of my place, all right. My helplessness without her. She loved being my one and only, the reason for my existence, and she liked me to remind her of how I felt about her daily.

“If you don’t want me to leave you ought to make me feel more welcome.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Sometimes, at night, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I mean in general,” she said coldly. “I feel like a stranger towards you. I’m supposed to be the woman you love. Do you love me?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Then show it, okay? Or else I’ll leave.”

“I will. I promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to that. Seriously this time, Kim. It’s about fucking time.”

* * *

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Chicklet,

A good read and not that confusing. The only spot that caught me off-balance was the transition from the scene where Rae wakes Kim for breakfast to the one where they meet in the bookstore.

The straight dialogue sections were well done and relatively easy to follow.

When it comes to identifying with the characters, however, I drew a blank. Maybe that's due to my being a card carrying guy-type person.

You might want to volunteer this story for a "workshop" treatment in the Story Discussion Circle. Unlike discussion threads, which deal only with posted stories, workshop threads are for unfinished, works-in-progress. Try it-you may like it.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[CWatson]

1) I've obviously been cutting this story into parts. I *want* it to be choppy, to be broken, for the reader to be following different parts of the story all at the same time. Is it too confusing as it is? If so, can you offer any ideas on how to keep the style similar, the idea the same, but make it clearer to the reader?

I don't think it's confusing, though I had the benefit of your forewarning. The Reader, who may NOT have that benefit, may be confused at first, but within the first three sections, he'll probably have figured out what you're up to, because you do a good job of switching between sections. ...Except maybe the first two. The "rejection" scene may or may not be a continuation of the first dialogue, so The Reader may be thrown off by the abrupt switch to the drawing scene, since they'll be expecting another continuation. But maybe The Reader is smarter than that.

The other jump that threw me off was the flashback to Kim's exboyfriend (as an aside, I sincerely hope you're not writing from personal experience there; and if you are, you have my utmost sympathies). The flashback itself was fine, but it was hard to tell it WAS a flashback; at first I thought Kim was cheating. Then later we got some perspective on it. It works, but there's probably better ways to do it. It'd be a little awkward to write the WHOLE FLASHBACK in past perfect tense ("Jason just hadn't felt right"), which is probably WHY you didn't do it, but it may be necessary.


2) A few of the parts so far, and in the future, are purely conversation. I try to picture my story as if it were a movie...I can see it playing in my head. In these scenes I'm imagining a dark screen, so you can't even see the characters, the only action being the voices. Is it too confusing? Does it read well?

It reads just fine. The Reader will either be willing to enter your story on its own terms--at which point he'll simply accept the dialogue as part of the story--or he'll Back-button, at which point he won't care. The conversations themselves are AWESOME. As they say so often in this genre, "Don't stop don't stop!"


3) More about the conversations. I try to keep conversations as real as possible - do you think that as they are they work out to be natural? Can you see yourself and your lover getting into arguments like this?

Well, I can't, because I'm not HALF that verbally deft , but I can certainly see OTHER lovers talking like that. It reads very naturally to me.


4) Can you identify with these characters? I really want my characters, especially Rae, to be like people that everyone knows. Someone with problems that you can't quite put your finger on, but you know it's there.

That, unfortunately, I'm having trouble with. I can't fit voices or faces to either of these characters. Of course, I don't circulate with lesbians as much as others; as Rumple has suggested, maybe I just have the wrong chromosomes. I can tell things ABOUT the characters--Rae is fiery and clingy and insistent (I DO know someone like her), Kim is strong-willed and actually somewhat more icy than Rae is. Were you trying to associate cold with Rae, incidentally, or Kim? In any case, I know OF these characters, but I don't KNOW them. It's really hard to tap into the collective unconscious. Good luck, if you really insist. Tell me how it works out; I've been trying to tap it too.

 

[Hotcappucino]

The choppiness was OK by me. Not confusing to follow what was going on.

The straight dialog was very well done, very natural sounding, and engaging enough to make me want to read further. I was a little confused, though, trying to keep everything straight, especially the first conversation. I think it's because when I usually read dialog, I already have a mental image of the people talking. That is, I picture in my mind what they look like as they talk to each other. So when your story started out with straight dialog, I couldn't generate that same sort of imagery, and I think that's where I started losing track of who was saying what.

It was interesting, though, having a picture of the characters slowly emerge through their conversation. For example, I didn't know it was two women talking right at the start, and the revelation was a subtle surprise. At least in a movie, even if the screen were dark, you could probably tell it was two women by the pitch of their voices.

And there is a simplistic beauty to just seeing dialog, uncluttered by other description. So, yes, it is very effective.

What you've got so far is really cool and rings very true. I can't wait until it's finished for a complete read.

 

[Chicklet]

Okay questions and comments:

The flashbacks...would it be good to have them in a different font? Maybe in italics?

Originally posted by CWatson
Were you trying to associate cold with Rae, incidentally, or Kim?

Both, actually. Both girls are cold in their own ways. As the story goes on, I'm going to reveal Rae to be a clinically depressed individual with clinginess issues who has a hard time sympathizing to anyone - basically an ID personality (like I am) and Kim is very, very hard to get close to, and totally bottled up inside.

Chicklet

 

[TongueTyler]

Hi,

Chicklet I am quite the novice writer. Although I do alot of reading. My opinion should not be the best critique. I have read some of your other stories and a few of your poems. Cute cat. Your cute too!

I like the way you think and place real topics that could have happend into the characters words. This allows for good separation in the mind as I read. Painting a picture of the facial expressions that match with the vision I see each character.

I like the format and reading was not difficult to follow. I did find myself loosing out considerably during the quotes. The picture I run in my mind of each character is limited only by how much you tell me. Or how much importance is given to a particular moment.

After a few lines it becomes apparent to me. I loose interest in which character is which.

You see, in my mind they both stopped moving. Like cardboard figures. Yes, I can think them to move on my own perception of what they would do. But then this takes away concentration on where your story is leading my mind.

When I added just a few body gestures to your story during the quotes it can be quite a different story than you intended.

 

[SlaveMasterUK]

I have to be honest, I really enjoyed that. Refreshingly different from anything I've read for a long time; the choppiness of the story is a lot like a sci-fi novel I abandoned last year. I love reading that style as much as I did writing it, so much that I suddenly miss not working on that old beast :-(

The dialog without narration is a lot like some Iain M. Banks novels - I think it works really well when it's done properly like you have. Without all the background noise of narration the reader becomes more focused on the conversation itself. I've used a similar style to write 'disoriented dream sequences' that I was very pleased with, you've actually encouraged me to get back into that sort of thing now...

It seems to me like there's a lot more to develop yet in this story. The two characters seem so badly lost in their own problems they'll never be able to reconcile with each other; maybe this is where the story is ultimately going - but then that would be a lot of words to write about a break-up. Maybe you're going to keep the reader interested by dragging it out as long as possible, then throw in a revelation that pulls them back together stronger than ever before. Or maybe this is a story about how two people are torn apart by their own problems, and the resultant trauma for one or both of them in the aftermath... Just some brainstorming for ya... Let me know how this works out!

ax

 

[Submissive Susan]

Conversations

Personally, I stay away from too many conversations in any of my writings. It can easily detract from the story line, become too detailed, and worst of all, become confusing as to who is saying what. The rule of thumb for adding pictures to a story is to do it only if it adds signficantly to the story. I personally think the same is true of conversations.

Now that I've said all that, the next hundred responses may very well be very positive. The important thing is--you are looking for creative outlets. That's what it's all about!!! Good luck.

 

[Chicklet]

re: Conversations



well, even if you don't like writing them, I think that conversations are 100% important in writing because it gives you a feel for characters. I usually don't bother reading stories that I see don't have much dialog.

-Chicklet

 

[bridgeburner]

I'll try not to repeat what other folks have said here other than to say good job and how refreshing!

I was worried about the conversations at first because I could see they had no identifiers attached, but that only lasted about two seconds after I started reading. Because of what they say, I never found myself having to go back and count down to see which character was saying what. Very well done and quite effective.

The only confusing parts for me were the flashback to John --- at first I thought it was a current relationship --- and then in the section where Kim talks about finally meeting Rae.

"I hadn't forgotten about the girl in the park." All of a sudden I thought, it wasn't Rae. The first paragraph is talking about Rae and how hard it is to be with her even though it's also wonderful. When it all of a sudden switches to "the girl in the park" I thought that this was some other girl who Kim was hung up on interfering with her feelings for Rae --- even though up to that very moment I'd been convinced that Rae was the girl in the park. So I was totally confused until Rae introduces herself at the end of the passage.

Okay, character stuff.

At this point I don't see things working out for Kim and Rae. Rae is a bully and an emotional blackmailer trying to guilt Kim into behaving the way Rae wishes. I don't have much sympathy for her at this point because she's so needy and at the same time she's mean. Kim is more sympathetic because I understand more of where she's coming from and why she is the way she is. She's been badly wounded and so she closes herself off in order to cope. This in turn makes Rae crazy so that she pushes harder which makes Kim withdraw more. Vicious cycle.

Conceivably Kim could be pushed far enough that she finally snaps and tells Rae what happened, but I don't think at this point that Rae is the kind of person who could truly understand why Kim doesn't just let Rae in anyway. Kind of like John couldn't have understood why Kim wouldn't have wanted to let him in anyway.

And there's another problem for Kim. She's choosing people who disregard her feelings for their own wants.

So, all that really means is that I think I'm seeing the characters pretty vividly. I may have them totally wrong, but I'm not feeling wishy-washy about them at least! ;-)


-B

 

[damppanties]

Okay, character stuff.

At this point I don't see things working out for Kim and Rae. Rae is a bully and an emotional blackmailer trying to guilt Kim into behaving the way Rae wishes. I don't have much sympathy for her at this point because she's so needy and at the same time she's mean. Kim is more sympathetic because I understand more of where she's coming from and why she is the way she is. She's been badly wounded and so she closes herself off in order to cope. This in turn makes Rae crazy so that she pushes harder which makes Kim withdraw more. Vicious cycle.

Conceivably Kim could be pushed far enough that she finally snaps and tells Rae what happened, but I don't think at this point that Rae is the kind of person who could truly understand why Kim doesn't just let Rae in anyway. Kind of like John couldn't have understood why Kim wouldn't have wanted to let him in anyway.

And there's another problem for Kim. She's choosing people who disregard her feelings for their own wants.

So, all that really means is that I think I'm seeing the characters pretty vividly. I may have them totally wrong, but I'm not feeling wishy-washy about them at least! ;-)


-B

Wow, my perception of the characters is totally different. I see Rae as the weaker one here and Kim as the stronger personality i.e she can handle anything that would come later in the relationship. To me, Kim doesn't seem the sort who would 'snap' if pushed far enough.

In reaction to the first part of the assessment above (Rae is a bully and an emotional blackmailer trying to guilt Kim into behaving the way Rae wishes. I don't have much sympathy for her at this point because she's so needy and at the same time she's mean.) I was really like 'No way!' My sympathies are with Rae because, as I said earlier, she seems the weaker of the two and her need shouts out to me through the piece above. Even though Rae's aggressively going about getting what she wants, it looks like she's under a brittle shell which might crack any moment and leave her vulnerably exposed. The scene where Rae wakes Kim up is a strong reason for why I feel the way I do about Rae.

Ok Chicklet, your turn. What do Rae and Kim mean to you?

 

[Chicklet]

The only confusing parts for me were the flashback to John --- at first I thought it was a current relationship ---

1st off thank you so much for your comments! (i'll get on to what's *really* going on with the characters in a second)

I'm definitely going to go back and change the scene between Jason and Kim because a lot of my friends have expressed confusion about it. 1) is it current 2) was it the first time they'd had sex? etc...so, I want to go back and clarify that it is the last relationship she'd had with a man, that it wasn't the first time they'd had sex, that until then their relationship had gone a bit shaky.

 

[Chicklet]

Ok Chicklet, your turn. What do Rae and Kim mean to you?

Kim is, basically, a recovering rape victim. She's totally fucked up. She doesn't know what she wants, is she straight, is she gay, does she want a relationship at all...right now every bit of physical contact she's getting is scaring the shit out of her, and that's not healthy.

Rae is all the worst parts of me. She's probably clinically depressed, I'm thinking of adding references to Paxil later in the story. She's co-dependant, and very, very manipulative. Her attraction to Kim is that Kim is very, very easy to emotionally control. One word pushes her one way, another word pushes her another way...it's a sort of sick control that insecure Rae needs to feel...well, I think she'd equate it with love.

Spoiler, if you don't want to know how it ends, don't read any futher <dun dun dun>

The only way for this relationship to end is a break up. You're very right, bridgeburner - these two girls would NOT stay together. Their relationship is totally doomed. Although the middle of the story isn't quite done, I know exactly how it ends. Rae pushes herself on Kim. Kim, scared as a deer caught in the headlights, allows Rae to use her body. Rae probably doesn't see it as using Kim, but something in Kim's head totally snaps. Rae's raping Kim as surely as Jason was. Kim leaves while Rae sleeps, leaving all her stuff behind, a scared voice in her head telling her that she has to start a new life. The End.

-Chicklet