Work In Progress (Unnamed story)

[HelloCableGuy]

I don't even have a name for it yet...but its a work in progress(Meaning I'm lazy, and instead of actually writing the story I start to get antzy and raid the girlfriends pants instead). No name yet, but let me know if I have something that might pan out.


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Such yummy large breasts….oh god, look at them bounce….Mmmmmmmm……

“Brian!!!”

Brian lept up from the bed staring at his fiancé.
“Oh god, baby…. What are you doing!”, Brian stammered.

Shauna his fiance, stood at the door of the bedroom with her hands over her mouth. Standing beside the bed Brian stood with his pants down holding his cock, with a look of total embarrassment on his face.

“Is this what you do every time I leave the house! You wait till I leave and then start jerking off!”, Shauna yelled.

Brian shook his head, “Baby, no it’s not like that. I thought you where gone shopping at the mall!”

Shauna’s face was flush with anger, “I came back to see if I had any skirts to match these new shoes, but apparently I need a pair of shoes to match the fucking cum stains on the bed!”

“What! That’s bullshit baby. We can’t have sex this week, and so I’m supposed just stay horny for a fucking week!?!”, Brian shot back while pulling his pants up, “How about next time I fucking make you get on your knees and suck my cock. Is that what you want instead!”

His fiancés eyes narrowed as she started at him, “Oh, is that how its going to be. I have my period, and your going to jerk off behind my back. No way are we getting married where my husband has to masturbate alone.”

“What! You can’t tell me to not masturbate. That’s fucking stupid”, Brian said.

“Oh no baby, you can jerk off. You’re going to masturbate right now for me.”

“No, I’m not in the mood for this. Just go shoppi…”, Brian was cut off.

“NO! Take off your clothes and get on that bed now!”, she yelled.

Brians eyes where wide open as he stared as his pissed off fiancé. They stood there looking at each other for a minute, and then Brian began to take his clothes off. Shauna walked to the end of the bed, and crossed her arms as she watched. The red anger in her face began to slip away, but her eyes still beaded on him like daggers.

Naked and exposed Brian laid down on the bed staring at his fiancé. Shauna looked at him for a few moments, dressed up in a red top and skirt. She was wearing new white high heeled sandals she had just bought earlier. They looked great on her, showing off her amazing ankles, sexy tall legs, and the slight curve to her calfs. Her arms where crossed against her lovable breast with the tips of her blonde hair just touching her arms.

“Good”, she said after a minute, “Now start masterbating.”

Brian looked at Shauna for a minute and began to stroke his cock. She looked right at his eyes as he slid his hand up and down his cock.

“Spread your legs abit and play with your balls”, she said.

He pushed his legs apart, cupped his scrotum with his other hand, and began to massage. Slowly his cock enlarged itself, filling his fist with a large handful of warm cock. Shauna shifted abit on her feet, staring at his cock, though the anger stayed in her eyes. Brian slid his hand up and down, ever so slowly rubbing the head of his cock with a thumb.
Looking up Brian noticed Shauna was standing beside the bed now holding a bottle of lotion. Without warning she squirted a long stream of it onto his cock.

“There you go hunny, now it’ll sound like my pussy when you jerk off”, she said with a smirk.

The lotion did feel a lot betteras he slid his hand along his cock. The lotion made a sucking noise that reminded him of fucking his fiancé.

“Oh baby, that’s hot. Look at you stroke that cock. Its so nice and yummy.”, she said, “I’d love to ride it, and suck on you as much as I can. Too bad you decided to masturbateintead…though I do enjoy the show.”

.....(To be continued)

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I'm going on a fetish angle with this one, so let me know what you think so far.

 

[alias x]

You should probably get a volunteer editor to go over that story. While many readers won't even notice that you used the masculine form of fiancée, most of them will will be annoyed that you spelled masturbating incorrectly.

As for the story itself, the idea itself looks like it could make a good story. I think there is something wrong with the flow of your story but I lack the writing skill to point out what it is.

As for your original question of whether this might pan out, it might come out nicely with editorial assistance. I'm not sure.

 

[hyulhyulhyul]

I don't even have a name for it yet...but its a work in progress(Meaning I'm lazy, and instead of actually writing the story I start to get antzy and raid the girlfriends pants instead). No name yet, but let me know if I have something that might pan out.


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Brians eyes where wide open as he stared as his pissed off fiancé. They stood there looking at each other for a minute, and then Brian began to take his clothes off. Shauna walked to the end of the bed, and crossed her arms as she watched. The red anger in her face began to slip away, but her eyes still beaded on him like daggers.

Naked and exposed Brian laid down on the bed staring at his fiancé. Shauna looked at him for a few moments, dressed up in a red top and skirt. She was wearing new white high heeled sandals she had just bought earlier. They looked great on her, showing off her amazing ankles, sexy tall legs, and the slight curve to her calfs. Her arms where crossed against her lovable breast with the tips of her blonde hair just touching her arms.

“Good”, she said after a minute, “Now start masterbating.”

Brian looked at Shauna for a minute and began to stroke his cock. She looked right at his eyes as he slid his hand up and down his cock.

“Spread your legs abit and play with your balls”, she said.

He pushed his legs apart, cupped his scrotum with his other hand, and began to massage. Slowly his cock enlarged itself, filling his fist with a large handful of warm cock. Shauna shifted abit on her feet, staring at his cock, though the anger stayed in her eyes. Brian slid his hand up and down, ever so slowly rubbing the head of his cock with a thumb.
Looking up Brian noticed Shauna was standing beside the bed now holding a bottle of lotion. Without warning she squirted a long stream of it onto his cock.

“There you go hunny, now it’ll sound like my pussy when you jerk off”, she said with a smirk.

The lotion did feel a lot betteras he slid his hand along his cock. The lotion made a sucking noise that reminded him of fucking his fiancé.

“Oh baby, that’s hot. Look at you stroke that cock. Its so nice and yummy.”, she said, “I’d love to ride it, and suck on you as much as I can.Too bad you decided to masturbateintead…though I do enjoy the show.”

.....(To be continued)

********************************

I'm going on a fetish angle with this one, so let me know what you think so far.

First, it looks like something in the middle of a story rather than the beginning of one. It's the kind of scene that has the potential to be hot, but I'm put off by the repetitious use of 'fiance', not because it's the wrong form of the word, but because I don't see the need to keep repeating it. Perhaps if this were an incestuous relationship and you wanted to keep prodding the reader for emotional reactions to words like 'daughter', 'sister', 'mother' or 'aunt', the repetition might make more sense. I don't see any particular emotional impact associated with repeated references to one's betrothed.

Some of your phrasing is awkward, and some of your dialog sounds unnatural. I've highlighted some of them in magenta.

When you write something for others to look at, try reading it over line by line several times to check for things like spelling mistakes, typos, phrasing, and overall impression to name a few. When I do this, I frequently look at some phrase or passage and ask myself, "Why the fuck did I write it that way?"

I always go over everything I have written a minimum of five times, usually more.
Our brains have the ability to understand jumbled and garbled language easily without examining it critically.

For example, take the sentence,"il gt yy fr tht yy fckn bstrd." Most people will have no difficulty recognizing it as "I'll get you for that you fucking bastard."

When we write something and already know what the content is, we sometimes read it uncritically and totally miss our typos, omissions, and misspellings. That's why it's important to go over and over it with a critical eye. I've found that mistakes I missed before posting something suddenly become glaring once I've posted a story because I am suddenly aware that others will be looking at it critically.

It doesn't take much to turn off a reader if you aren't careful about editing your own work before you submit it. Think of it like the classic situation where you're involved in an accident and you're reluctant to go to the hospital because you're afraid that the doctors or nurses might see the shit stains in your tidy whities. Be just as concerned about showing your unperfected work to vast numbers of potential readers. Find yourself a good volunteer editor if you need to before submitting something you're not sure of.

Try reading a variety of writing styles on Literotica or elsewhere to get a feel for how other writers treat dialog, plot development, character development , word choices and phrasing. Try writing small pieces in several styles until you develop your own unique style. If I want to read something in the style of a particular writer, I'll go ahead and read what he or she has written rather than something that is derivative and probably inferior.

Good luck in your writing. The most important thing you can do to improve it is set aside a certain amount of time every day for writing (perhaps post-coital) and write.